Wednesday, April 9, 2014


i would be denying reality
to think that there's anything to be happy about in my life.
life hurts
then you die.


i've always thought it would be great fun to be the mascot for a school athletic team.  You know, that funny person who dresses all up in a head-to-toe costume of some animal or whatever creature represents their team.  Dressed all up in that furry get-up, nobody has a clue who I am, I could do anything: dance to the pep band, jump around with the cheerleaders, act incredibly stupid, run up and greet little kids, trying not to scare them, embarrass some dignified people who look like they need to loosen up a bit...just have a ball!  I could do that!  As long as I don't have to speak, and nobody knows who I am, there's almost no limit to the crazy things I could do.  Yes, even introverts can feel comfortable performing and being the center of attention, in the right situation.  It's all about the costume.  The mask.  With that identity theft going on, I can do anything, as long as it's not illegal, harmful or immoral.  

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way in real life.  The mask.   You can wear a mask for a pretty long time, really, and get what you want , or what you think you want, by being a master of disguise.  Keep your heart locked away.  Yes, keep it hidden, don't let it get involved.  Because if the heart is fully engaged, boy, you have just set yourself up for incredible hurt, heartbreak and trouble.   So you wear the mask, the costume, keep the heart safe and hidden, and get by.   But at some point,  it happens:  Someone has the nerve (how dare they!!!?)  to rip off the mask.  Expose you for who you really are.  And everything you thought you gained by wearing that mask, is suddenly gone.  Or at least 50%.

And that's as far as the story goes.  so far.  I don't know what happens next.  With a mask on, I can make things up as I go along, for it's all just fiction.  But without the mask, it's real life.  And anything could happen.  that's scary.  that's stagefright.  real mascots don't have to deal with that kind of thing.
must be nice.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Baby snake

Saw this cute little snake,
 baby snake, 
right outside the back door as i stepped out for a run.  
Cute little thang.  
happy spring, baby snake!

Now usually I'd be a bit nervous to see this sort of thing, 
little snaky,
so suddenly,
almost stepped on her.

Usually I think of bad connotations with snakes.  Like how having a dream about snakes is supposed to mean something in your life, like the snake is representing some sort of evil or thing that you fear in your daytime life.  your "real" life. I've had dreams like that while going through hard times. snake dreams.

But somehow I"m feeling rather fond of this baby snake, feeling a kindred spirit with her.  
Like, here she is, just a few days old, perhaps, 
just a sweet, innocent snake,
and already the world is accusing her of being evil and worthy to be killed.
judging her.
when she's just doing what comes naturally....

....flicking her tongue out to sense her prey...
or her predator. 
doing what her Creator has intended for her.

Nice little snaky.
But tell me one thing.
Is your mama close by?
If so, please tell her to stay out of our house...
she might not be welcomed by the big scary humans.

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss-see ya!!!


i feel the most content

when i am the most unsure
when i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing

where i am going
why i'm doing it

i feel the most quietness of soul
the madness is loudest


i feel the greatest peace
when i'm standing on the edge of a cliff
taking one step at a time

stepping out into nothingness
each foot landing on a cloud
that miraculously appears
out of nowhere
as i step through the dark stratosphere

i don't get it Lord
nothing makes sense

but i'm so glad
so thankful
that you do.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

                 ---from "Oceans" by Hillsong United

"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."
Psalm 119:105

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.' ".
Isaiah 30:21

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

combat without warfare

weirdest thing ever. weird. weird. weird.  body combat class,. same intensity, same loud rockin music, same bad moves,  same yelling from the instructor, egging us on to get meaner, madder, fiercer, badder...but i'm not feeling it.  still loving the class, the exercise, the moves, the music, the technique, the fight...but the demons are gone. it's just me, fighting the air.  muscles are relaxed, controlled.  it's a spiritual thing.  i swear. i'm not a swearing kind of girl, but i swear there's something spiritual that goes on when movement & music come together with such  intensity, like in this class.  but when there's no spiritual battle going on in my head, and i'm free as a bird, floating on air...then i just breathe normally and punch the living daylights out of...nothing. hmm. so i focus on my technique.  watch my form in the mirror, making sure my jab-cross-side-snap-kick is clearly defined, so there's no dead leg on the kick, just a clean in-and-out jab to the side, slice the air with my kick, even if there's nobody there.  feeling so light today, i might as well be the sugar plum princess in the nutcracker ballet. la-dee-daaa...  soooo...does that mean i should trade in my gloves for my toe shoes, tights and tutu??? 
i think not. 
this is still too much fun.


The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those that are broken,   Luke 4:18


3I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, 4and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, 5so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God.     1 Corinthians 2:4

Saturday, March 29, 2014


sometimes our battles
are won in the spiritual
long before
they are manifested in the physical.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Baby steps

crash and burn...

...examining the ashes... 

                                                                 ...writing it out...
...fighting it out...


...getting stronger.....

...getting wiser...
...getting back to work...


finding my peace...


baby steps.

the journey continues.

in my dreams

in my dreams
i am living in a tropical place
by the sea

living out my days
alone is fine
writing books

maybe serving up coffee
in a little shop
that sells my paintings
working in an orphanage

or something like that

teaching dance or yoga
growing my own coffee beans
and papayas
making them into smoothies

that i serve family & friends
who stay in my guest house
drop by anytime
just silly dreams
for a grey day
in chilly suburbia

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

wednesday praise & prayer

Encouraging song of the day:  You're an Overcomer by Mandisa

Prayer Requests for the Day: Freedom, Healing, Direction, Provision.