Monday, January 2, 2017

The As If Principle

Hello?  (echo: hello,hello,hello,hello...o,o,o,o,o...)   Anybody in here?

Ahh, finally a quiet place to spill my thoughts.

Ew, is that a cockroach in the corner?  Gross, i hate those. Well, as long as it doesn't talk, doesn't tell anyone what I say here......but IF IT DOES....I will STOMP on that nasty critter.

Yes, I am here again, but on a different channel.  Trying to hide away from the hustle and bustle and nastiness of the internet world.   I am purging myself of most of my usual online habits, in order to keep some peace of mind.  I had gotten to a place where I could no longer take the roller coaster ride of emotions I was riding from surfing social media pages.  Seeing things that sent my heart plummeting, as if I had a reason to think I had any business caring about this stuff anyway.  Realizing that no, I really don't have any special connections "out there", that I was just hopefully reading between the lines of junk.  I had to get out...FAST.

At first I was so upset I just wanted to go cold turkey, but realized that wasn't realistic.  I enjoy some aspects of social media, around people who are real and "safe", or for news and stuff.  So I created some boundaries.  I know what hurts most, so I eliminated some specifics.  I may slip now and then, but only in the safer places.

This change put me in a new place.  Sort of like doing a detox cleanse for the body...only for the soul.  I realized, that without my imaginary internet connections, I am just a very empty, brokenhearted, lonely individual.  That isn't a comfortable feeling.  I feel extremely vulnerable, and prone to revert to my heart-numbing habits of pretending, if I'm not careful.

So I am choosing to be thankful for this time apart from my grand illusions, and focus on getting my life right.

I am still on sabbatical, by the way,  it's only just begun, but I had to find a place to share what I'm learning in counseling these days.  It might help someone, for free!

It's definitely helping me.   Like today's session.  We're actually talking about this upcoming "transition", referring to it like it's actually a thing!!!   That makes me so happy, and so scared, and sad, yet hopeful.  But we're not rushing anything, or setting a time frame yet, and I'm beginning to understand why.   In today's session, I relayed to her that my "numbers" (the score of my mood from 1-10) have been in the low 3's and 2's.  Pretty low place to be.  So we talked about finding ways to get those numbers up, by looking to the future with hope.  By starting now and planting seeds.

She encouraged me to keep planting more seeds, meaning, keep dreaming big for my future, brainstorming all the ideas and opportunities, career possibilities that I can imagine, and then taking those small steps to reach toward those dreams.  May sound simplistic and silly, but it makes sense.  She encouraged me to think about where I want to be in ten years from now.  And then to start researching things about that place where I want to be, and figure out how to get there.  To break it down into smaller steps.  Doable ones.

Image result for plant seeds quotes

I'm excited about dreaming again, with the hope that these dreams can really come true.  I will start planting seeds by starting my new "job" tomorrow.   I will take my boy to school, then go to work.  I will go to my job two days a week, for just two hours each day, for starters.    My new job is great.  I get to drink lots of coffee, and there's no dress code.  I can show up in a chicken suit, if I want.  Just one rule: I have to wear a shirt and shoes.  (darn!)  The place of my office may vary from one day to the next... I will start out at the Ugly Mug.  Another day it may be Starbucks.  Yup, I'm starting my career as a writer.  Well, more seriously now, that is.  I can't "work" at home just yet, too many distractions which I don't have the self-discipline to avoid at this point, so I'll hang out at coffee shops for now.

My assumption is that, once we get me on a steady track of small successes in my new job, the beginnings of a self-sustaining income to provide for my needs in the future, and get a HUGE boost in my overall well-being and happiness with life again, THEN she will determine when it is time to start making those big changes.  (I'm SOOOOOO glad I finally found a counselor who isn't just pussy-footing around the issue, and who is also sensitive to my readiness, or lack thereof, (yet)  to take on the new changes!)

So I have to stay happy.  Avoid those sad places.  The more I look at things online that make me sad, the longer this thing will take.  I can't do it from a place of emotional hopelessness.   I need to be strong, with the kind of faith that believes in those things that aren't, as if they ARE!

Kind of like this principle she shared with me today, based on a book by the same title, which she also recommended.  It's called The As If Principle.  Here's the very same video she pulled up on her laptop and showed me this morning.  Take a looky:

Interesting, huh?   Maybe it sounds like a bunch of experimental psychology mumbo-jumbo, or maybe it really works!  Either way, I don't have anything to lose, so I'm going to go ahead and believe in the positive outcomes I dream about. And ACT on them!

That's all for now.  I've got a busy day ahead tomorrow, so best get to sleep.

Goodnight, Cockroach!!!

Image result for seed dirt

"The tiny seed knew that in order to grow,
it needed to...
be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness
and struggle to reach the light."
              - Sandra King

Thursday, July 21, 2016


A person  can only get their heart broken a certain number of times before they realize it's just not  worth it. Pull all the plugs.
(Why is this stupid thing still on? Freakin ghost in the machine i exorcize you NOW!)
The heart learns to forget and move on, I think. Toughen up. Mind over emotions. I can do that. Been doing it all my life, no need to stop now. 
Well here comes the bus.

Monday, March 14, 2016


I hate Sundays.  All my bad feels that've been lurking in my brain for the week come out of hiding and try to scare the pants off me, try to hurtle me into a dark pit of depression that twists my mind into thinking nothing but just ending it all.  
And that's just not acceptable for me.  Not anymore.

So I'm trying to be more proactive about this, to look at my pain from different perspectives.  Like today. I was in a pretty major funk for some reason, doesn't matter, and then I found this.   The following is a blurb I read on facebook, by the great author Elizabeth Gilbert whom I follow, the author who wrote the book Eat Pray Love which of course we all know was made into a major successful movie.  


Anyways, without further ado, just read this:

Now to be honest, I never even watched the video she was introducing through this (and pardon the technical awkwardness, i had to screenshot it from my phone as i haven't figured out how to copy stuff from facebook yet..).. but this bit of prose was all i needed.  Really stuck with me, turned me around in my ugly thoughts.

Made me realize the absolute beauty there is in heartbreak.  oh not at the moment, of course, not even three years later.  In fact, i'd just been lamenting about how my life has been nothing but one long string of heartbreaks, one after the other.  Except for about 15 years of it, though, when i lived in a cocoon of comfortable numbness.  A place where i was unable to experience heartbreak, not very easily, anyway, because i had convinced myself that i had all that i needed.  I was secure in many ways, and on the outside it looked like i had the perfect world. blah blah blah i've said this all before.  Until a wrecking ball came along,  crashed my glass house and made me pitifully aware of what i didn't have, and gloriously anticipating of what i wanted to have.  Even had a shape and a face to what i thought i wanted.  But as i set my heart on that, it became like a mirage.  Every time i thought it might be real, the glass was shattered again.  My heart broke over, and over, and over, and over again.  Yet i didn't lose hope.

Image result for eat pray love quotes soulmate

Till today. Realizing i've been a fool. No, i don't regret a minute of it.  Instead, I am wildly thankful that the wrecking ball came and shattered me, tore away the bubble wrap that had artificially insulated my heart for all these years.  Began the process of healing some old, scabby emotional wounds of the past, and set me on a new path, a new vision.  Back to the old, real me.  Feels so good to find my real authentic self again, and it keeps getting realer and better every day.

Will i ever find true love, in the romantic sense?  Maybe not. And that made me sad. I was pondering this on my walk through a woods today, and I faced the fact that yes, i can easily imagine myself one day dying on my own, having never, ever ever  experienced true love.  The kind of true love that's not just in your head, but shared in person, with another person. It may never be had for me in this lifetime.  And, maybe that's ok. Like the author of this blurb above said about heartbreak:

Heartbreak makes you feel your humanity, and "it's so good".

Heartbreak can be an invitation for incredible change, 
an invitation for heightened self-knowledge and self-exploration.

Heartbreak is a great teacher, if you can believe that every message it sends you is for your own benefit. "But you gotta be able to stay awake and aware and compassionate and loving through the whole experience. And that's hard."

oh don't i know how hard that is.  And the message i think i'm hearing today, is, don't be fooled. That wrecking ball experience may have been only that.  Just a wrecking ball to smash me out of my glass house.  I may have foolishly put my hopes in it meaning something more, but by now, by the looks of things, I shouldn't be so stupid.  Not stupid anymore, but thankful.  Thankful that my heart is now a heart of flesh that can feel deeply, hurt deeply, and deeply appreciate, most of all, the love of Jesus, in a deeper and more intimate way than ever before.  Of course I'm not done suffering yet.  There's more hardship to go before i can finally be free.  Maybe never to obtain that holy grail of human love, no, not me.  But to live more fully, deeply, and to live totally free, never to be locked up in a fake illusion of security again.  

Thank you, dear heartbreak.  I embrace you.  You taught me to live again. 


Wednesday, August 27, 2014

ground zero

Knowing that the only thing that would bring me freedom
would also throw the two people i love the most
into a lifetime of horrible pain and dysfunction
plus breaking the hearts of countless others
diminishing any last speck of faith or respect they had for me
all of that only doubles my pain..
to the point where i want to end it all...
yet that would double their pain even more
which quadruples my own...there is no escape, no none.
how i wish i could go back to ground zero.
start all over. new choices. new chances.
but i cannot.
so if not ground zero, then six feet under will do.
take me please, Jesus, before i take matters into my own hands.  my desperation is making me bolder every day. please jesus, don't let me do this. please please please please please please please do it for me.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Long walk

Think i'll just start walking and never come back.

Monday, August 18, 2014

To be continued ......

And the dark days get darker.
Sometimes i frighten myself. seriously.  is this how i end?
what's it like to die? is it like a giant panic attack, but instead of feeling like it's just invisible ropes that tie me down because i'm afraid of running out in front of all those people, they're real, and i really can not breathe anymore, it's not just in my head, and my racing pulse is speeding up to the point of an explosion, and i'm hearing those voices, those voices, angry voices, screaming at me, telling me what i'm doing wrong, how evil i am, how wicked, those fingers, pointing fingers, my breath is lost, i'm tightening up...when will i feel the release..oh please take me now jesus...i want that peace. that perfect silence. that light. that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. do i see the rush of my days, seconds flashing before my eyes? do i feel the heartbreak i've caused, do i see what could've been, the should'ves, the oughts...

oh what's that you say? my 10-minute break is over? ok. back to work. i'll try this again another time. with a better plan.  time to make the coffee.  maybe just one last time.


Thursday, August 14, 2014

one sentence

Currently reading; The Mermaid Chair
by Sue Monk Kidd

(New York Times Bestselling author of
The Secret Life of Bees)

I typically do not read a lot of fiction, because:

 A, My crazy mind can easily concoct ridiculous fantasies and nightmares on its own, without the help of someone else's ideas, and

B, Anything with even a speck of romance in it is sure make me depressed, as it contrasts so deeply with the lack thereof in my own life.  makes a mockery of me.

However, I am preparing for a beach trip in a couple weeks, so I want to sort through some good beach reading materials, pack them along with the beach towels, boogie boards and sunblock, so on those lazy afternoons of just lying there watching the waves ebb and flow, and when the kids are happily occupied in the sand, i can escape my life for a few minutes and just veg out awhile.  Savor the deliciousness of a good author's excellent choice of fresh words, delicately roasted with just the right amounts of adventure, character development, clever dialogue, and served up hot and spicy with plenty of savory adjectives and thought-provoking sub-plots on the side. yum.

But just as I'm digesting this good read, one simple sentence stops me and threatens to gag me till I throw back all i've read and give up.  just. one. sentence.  this:

"Hugh reached out his arm, and my shoulder slipped into the groove beneath his collarbone while my head glided into the nape of his neck, an oiled, automatic movement as old as our marriage."
(pg. 26, Kidd)

SCREEEEECH, slam on the brakes, stop right there.  Excuse me, will someone please tell me what that is like?   (actually, no, don't..)  To actually have someone who knows how to instantly comfort you with their touch?  Who can hug, cuddle, embrace you in a non-sexual way that speaks volumes of comfort without saying a word?   Really?  There is such a thing? Excuse me, waiter, i don't think this is what i ordered, could you take it back please?

Over the years, I guess I've just trained myself to live without that special gift of friendly touch that one cherishes in any close relationship.  Not that that's a good thing, but I can just brace myself, hold my shoulders strong when I feel like I'm crumbling inside and wishing I had a nesting place to lay my head in a relaxed, nurturing pose... (so I do rely on the Lord for those times I need comfort, but dang it, Lord, i can't feel you sometimes, and besides...just let me complain here a minute, it's my pity party and i'll cry if i want to...)

Instead i aspire to be strong in all aspects of the word.  Even though I may sometimes be treated as if i'm "small" (in a cute but still patronizing, demeaning way..) and my thoughts don't matter, yet I have to keep up an incredibly strong front to avoid collapsing in a heap on the floor, bawling my eyes out.. (yes this happens)...alone yet not alone, as I am observed from above, like a hawk looking down on a mouse on the ground, but not held.  Reasoned with, given practical suggestions as to how to solve the problem... but not...held.  a very lonely place.

so i need to stop reading these *&^&^$%%$^%$& stinkin stupid books.

tbt, rip


Wednesday, August 13, 2014


With the residue of Robin William's death still on my mind, I drove by this old movie theater this morning, the cheap movie place, and it reminded me. A bunch of bunch of years ago, this same theater.  Rainy summer night.  Went to a movie with my suicidal, bipolar friend, as well as a group of others from our church singles group.  It was some kind of action movie with some emotional parts in it.  Apparently something in the movie struck a chord... (and no pun intended, but btw he was also an artist, a bass player, played in a worship band, also loved cranking up smooth jazz and gospel music in his Washington-plated car..) Something broke inside him as we were walking out with the crowds towards the parking lot that rainy night.  He broke into a torrent of sobs, couldn't go on.  We stopped beneath a  tree while the rain poured down, on the trees as well, as his tears drenched my shoulder.  It was the oddest kind of embarrassment, as people awkwardly walked around us, just standing there for what felt like hours, him sobbing like a baby, unabashedly, this grown man, bawling his eyes out.  yet I couldn't pull myself out of his grip, so at a loss for what to do, yet a part of me could understand completely.  no words.

Fast-forward to about a year later.  Our relationship had ended awhile back, when he wisely realized that he was in an unhealthy place and shouldn't be dragging me along, so he let me go.  So we meet again at this worship concert. Between sets he comes right up to me, completely ignoring the person i was with, (which annoyed this person as he doesn't like to go impolitely unnoticed), he skips the small talk and just gazes at me like I'm a ghost.  It's like he's looking right through me, as if he had already left this earth and was looking at me from a spiritual place.  And he keeps telling me that I'm his little angel, I'm his angel.  And it's another horrendously awkward moment as my un-addressed, completely ignored date looks on, frustrated by this guy standing here just gushing about me being an angel, which must not have made any sense, it didn't even register to me until weeks later, after his tragic death. 

 It was then, after his suicide, that I pondered these outpourings and realized that maybe, just maybe, the time I'd spent with him that year ago in the past- those days of just listening to him share his pain while staring at that same wall, those many nights visiting him in the mental hospital, 
those many awkward moments of standing by him when he went into one of his weird emotional breakdowns in public, when I wanted to run and hide...maybe that's why he called me his angel, because I stuck by his side when he needed someone the most.  

Even though I lost him in the end, sometimes I think..that maybe a part of me is up there in heaven already, dancing on high, with that bass down low...

Just a little memoir of a friend, as we mourn the losses of those that go the way of Robin Williams, and as we feel the pain of their families.  

I almost didn't post this, but then as I drove the span of 10 minutes down the road, there were 2 songs on the radio about angels, so it felt like a sign.  One was You're My Angel by Aerosmith...                                                              

                                                              You're my angel
                                                              Come and save me tonight
                                                              You're my angel
                                                              Come and make it all right
...and the other was this one by Ed Sheeran:

It's too cold outside
For angels to fly
Angels to fly
To fly, fly
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly
For angels to die

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

fight like a girl

just saving this for future reference...may get back to this later.  (fingers twitching, glancing at my boxing gloves hanging by the door...let's go already!!!!)