Monday, January 2, 2017
Hello? (echo: hello,hello,hello,hello...o,o,o,o,o...) Anybody in here?
Ahh, finally a quiet place to spill my thoughts.
Ew, is that a cockroach in the corner? Gross, i hate those. Well, as long as it doesn't talk, doesn't tell anyone what I say here......but IF IT DOES....I will STOMP on that nasty critter.
Yes, I am here again, but on a different channel. Trying to hide away from the hustle and bustle and nastiness of the internet world. I am purging myself of most of my usual online habits, in order to keep some peace of mind. I had gotten to a place where I could no longer take the roller coaster ride of emotions I was riding from surfing social media pages. Seeing things that sent my heart plummeting, as if I had a reason to think I had any business caring about this stuff anyway. Realizing that no, I really don't have any special connections "out there", that I was just hopefully reading between the lines of junk. I had to get out...FAST.
At first I was so upset I just wanted to go cold turkey, but realized that wasn't realistic. I enjoy some aspects of social media, around people who are real and "safe", or for news and stuff. So I created some boundaries. I know what hurts most, so I eliminated some specifics. I may slip now and then, but only in the safer places.
This change put me in a new place. Sort of like doing a detox cleanse for the body...only for the soul. I realized, that without my imaginary internet connections, I am just a very empty, brokenhearted, lonely individual. That isn't a comfortable feeling. I feel extremely vulnerable, and prone to revert to my heart-numbing habits of pretending, if I'm not careful.
So I am choosing to be thankful for this time apart from my grand illusions, and focus on getting my life right.
I am still on sabbatical, by the way, it's only just begun, but I had to find a place to share what I'm learning in counseling these days. It might help someone, for free!
It's definitely helping me. Like today's session. We're actually talking about this upcoming "transition", referring to it like it's actually a thing!!! That makes me so happy, and so scared, and sad, yet hopeful. But we're not rushing anything, or setting a time frame yet, and I'm beginning to understand why. In today's session, I relayed to her that my "numbers" (the score of my mood from 1-10) have been in the low 3's and 2's. Pretty low place to be. So we talked about finding ways to get those numbers up, by looking to the future with hope. By starting now and planting seeds.
She encouraged me to keep planting more seeds, meaning, keep dreaming big for my future, brainstorming all the ideas and opportunities, career possibilities that I can imagine, and then taking those small steps to reach toward those dreams. May sound simplistic and silly, but it makes sense. She encouraged me to think about where I want to be in ten years from now. And then to start researching things about that place where I want to be, and figure out how to get there. To break it down into smaller steps. Doable ones.
I'm excited about dreaming again, with the hope that these dreams can really come true. I will start planting seeds by starting my new "job" tomorrow. I will take my boy to school, then go to work. I will go to my job two days a week, for just two hours each day, for starters. My new job is great. I get to drink lots of coffee, and there's no dress code. I can show up in a chicken suit, if I want. Just one rule: I have to wear a shirt and shoes. (darn!) The place of my office may vary from one day to the next... I will start out at the Ugly Mug. Another day it may be Starbucks. Yup, I'm starting my career as a writer. Well, more seriously now, that is. I can't "work" at home just yet, too many distractions which I don't have the self-discipline to avoid at this point, so I'll hang out at coffee shops for now.
My assumption is that, once we get me on a steady track of small successes in my new job, the beginnings of a self-sustaining income to provide for my needs in the future, and get a HUGE boost in my overall well-being and happiness with life again, THEN she will determine when it is time to start making those big changes. (I'm SOOOOOO glad I finally found a counselor who isn't just pussy-footing around the issue, and who is also sensitive to my readiness, or lack thereof, (yet) to take on the new changes!)
So I have to stay happy. Avoid those sad places. The more I look at things online that make me sad, the longer this thing will take. I can't do it from a place of emotional hopelessness. I need to be strong, with the kind of faith that believes in those things that aren't, as if they ARE!
Kind of like this principle she shared with me today, based on a book by the same title, which she also recommended. It's called The As If Principle. Here's the very same video she pulled up on her laptop and showed me this morning. Take a looky:
Interesting, huh? Maybe it sounds like a bunch of experimental psychology mumbo-jumbo, or maybe it really works! Either way, I don't have anything to lose, so I'm going to go ahead and believe in the positive outcomes I dream about. And ACT on them!
That's all for now. I've got a busy day ahead tomorrow, so best get to sleep.
"The tiny seed knew that in order to grow,
it needed to...
be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness
and struggle to reach the light."
- Sandra King
Thursday, July 21, 2016
A person can only get their heart broken a certain number of times before they realize it's just not worth it. Pull all the plugs.
(Why is this stupid thing still on? Freakin ghost in the machine i exorcize you NOW!)
The heart learns to forget and move on, I think. Toughen up. Mind over emotions. I can do that. Been doing it all my life, no need to stop now.
Well here comes the bus.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
would also throw the two people i love the most
into a lifetime of horrible pain and dysfunction
plus breaking the hearts of countless others
diminishing any last speck of faith or respect they had for me
all of that only doubles my pain..
to the point where i want to end it all...
yet that would double their pain even more
which quadruples my own...there is no escape, no none.
how i wish i could go back to ground zero.
start all over. new choices. new chances.
but i cannot.
so if not ground zero, then six feet under will do.
take me please, Jesus, before i take matters into my own hands. my desperation is making me bolder every day. please jesus, don't let me do this. please please please please please please please do it for me.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Sometimes i frighten myself. seriously. is this how i end?
what's it like to die? is it like a giant panic attack, but instead of feeling like it's just invisible ropes that tie me down because i'm afraid of running out in front of all those people, they're real, and i really can not breathe anymore, it's not just in my head, and my racing pulse is speeding up to the point of an explosion, and i'm hearing those voices, those voices, angry voices, screaming at me, telling me what i'm doing wrong, how evil i am, how wicked, those fingers, pointing fingers, my breath is lost, i'm tightening up...when will i feel the release..oh please take me now jesus...i want that peace. that perfect silence. that light. that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. do i see the rush of my days, seconds flashing before my eyes? do i feel the heartbreak i've caused, do i see what could've been, the should'ves, the oughts...
oh what's that you say? my 10-minute break is over? ok. back to work. i'll try this again another time. with a better plan. time to make the coffee. maybe just one last time.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I typically do not read a lot of fiction, because:
A, My crazy mind can easily concoct ridiculous fantasies and nightmares on its own, without the help of someone else's ideas, and
B, Anything with even a speck of romance in it is sure make me depressed, as it contrasts so deeply with the lack thereof in my own life. makes a mockery of me.
However, I am preparing for a beach trip in a couple weeks, so I want to sort through some good beach reading materials, pack them along with the beach towels, boogie boards and sunblock, so on those lazy afternoons of just lying there watching the waves ebb and flow, and when the kids are happily occupied in the sand, i can escape my life for a few minutes and just veg out awhile. Savor the deliciousness of a good author's excellent choice of fresh words, delicately roasted with just the right amounts of adventure, character development, clever dialogue, and served up hot and spicy with plenty of savory adjectives and thought-provoking sub-plots on the side. yum.
But just as I'm digesting this good read, one simple sentence stops me and threatens to gag me till I throw back all i've read and give up. just. one. sentence. this:
"Hugh reached out his arm, and my shoulder slipped into the groove beneath his collarbone while my head glided into the nape of his neck, an oiled, automatic movement as old as our marriage."
(pg. 26, Kidd)
SCREEEEECH, slam on the brakes, stop right there. Excuse me, will someone please tell me what that is like? (actually, no, don't..) To actually have someone who knows how to instantly comfort you with their touch? Who can hug, cuddle, embrace you in a non-sexual way that speaks volumes of comfort without saying a word? Really? There is such a thing? Excuse me, waiter, i don't think this is what i ordered, could you take it back please?
Over the years, I guess I've just trained myself to live without that special gift of friendly touch that one cherishes in any close relationship. Not that that's a good thing, but I can just brace myself, hold my shoulders strong when I feel like I'm crumbling inside and wishing I had a nesting place to lay my head in a relaxed, nurturing pose... (so I do rely on the Lord for those times I need comfort, but dang it, Lord, i can't feel you sometimes, and besides...just let me complain here a minute, it's my pity party and i'll cry if i want to...)
Instead i aspire to be strong in all aspects of the word. Even though I may sometimes be treated as if i'm "small" (in a cute but still patronizing, demeaning way..) and my thoughts don't matter, yet I have to keep up an incredibly strong front to avoid collapsing in a heap on the floor, bawling my eyes out.. (yes this happens)...alone yet not alone, as I am observed from above, like a hawk looking down on a mouse on the ground, but not held. Reasoned with, given practical suggestions as to how to solve the problem... but not...held. a very lonely place.
so i need to stop reading these *&^&^$%%$^%$& stinkin stupid books.