Sunday, December 29, 2013

auld lang syne

Coming out of a fun holiday week... the fun and excitement of travel, of Christmas, seeing my family, the laughter, the craziness, the familiarity of life at my parents' house again... and yet the fakeness. the walls, the facade, the pretense.  I come out of that, return home, and am thinking, why can't the fun just continue...why can't I just all of a sudden say, "oops, surprise! I was just kidding! All those gloomy blog posts, my drama queen rants, it was just a big april fools' joke, really I'm fine, everything's fine!"  I'm so good at pretending.  Even my sister, who knows me better than anyone else, and knows about my situation, she commented on how well I kept up the good appearance... and that just crushes me.  It's so superficial.  Lots of people have commented on how "nice" my life looks.. from the outside.  They don't know.  no clue whatsoever.  That's just the problem.  I want my "inside" life to reflect my "outside" life, or is it the other way around? either way.  To be truly happy, to feel like I fit in my own skin and position in life and that I'm enjoying it.  I want to be able to say, "I love my life exactly how it is."  oh how i wish that were true.  i don't ask for much.  really.  i don't need to be "royal"... (like the song..) Sure there is a more adventurous life I'd rather live, but even in a humble house in a boring town, i could be happier if... my heart were true, free, and able to love with abandon.  that's not so much.

so i will start making changes.  baby steps. 2013 has been a time of discovering my true, honest heart.  Of feeling out those places where some boundaries should've been placed long ago, and preparing to make changes.  Changes that are painful but cleansing.  Like ripping off a band-aid so the wound can get fresh air and the skin can get strong again.  You may say, isn't it late in life to be making these changes, these self-discoveries.. yes, I guess I've always been a late bloomer.  And a hopeless romantic, always living for that dream, that just-beyond-my-reach goal that takes faith and patience to achieve.  Never Settling.  Keep pressing on, expand my horizons, be led by faith, never sit in a comfortable place for long, don't grow moss, comfort's a bad thing, complacency grows roots & latches on like an ugly weed.. keep moving!  Do what you gotta do, trust God, do good, be humble, ("..a little bit of humble, little bit of cautious. Somewhere between like Rocky and Cosby..." thanks, Macklemore...) 
Go above and beyond in loving others, yet be true to yourself and God.  I'm getting a little excited/sad/scared about the future, things I want to do.  Baring my heart is scary and will involve changes that hurt for awhile, but God is good.  Trust Him.

These are my goals.  Not exactly new year resolutions; these are life goals.  keep them moving forward..

this year, this upcoming year of 2014, I want to make my time of "getting back on my feet."  Using my brain again and becoming aware of and able to navigate things like taxes,insurance, finances, job skills, retirement accounts, blah, blah, blah.  even my will and important stuff like that.  Stuff I used to just let happen without asking questions. Time to figure out how to do things myself.  Be my own person. Cover the basics.   go from there.  Take care of family, know what I'm doing, and then I can pursue some dreams I've been sitting on for far too long.  we'll see.  baby steps.

Happy New Year! (a couple days early...)

No comments: