Friday, December 6, 2013

ice queen

I've recently been dubbed the "ice queen" at work.  Reason is I'm the one who just LOVES it when I get to refill our ice bins by filling up buckets of ice from the big monster ice machine in the back.  The ice cubes come shooting out of the top of the machine in big chunks which then, of course must be chunked apart by whacking them with the big hefty ice scoop, making a terrible, wonderful BANG! BANG! BANG! for everyone in the store to hear.  Sometimes I"ll be polite and wait until no one is trying to take a drive-thru order over the headsets before I whack away, but other times i just don't care.  It's so therapeutic after dealing with the craziness and irritable customers to just go back there and pound ice to my heart's content. And I know that even though I"m normally a quiet person there, my loud ice-banging does not go unnoticed.  On two separate occasions, and I kid you not, two separate managers have quietly, kindly, yet firmly spoken to me over my headset and said something like, "uh, could you please do something other than fill the ice bins right now, like maybe...stock the cups and lids?"  And I'll sheepishly shuffle back to the front and do something tedious & frustratingly soft & quiet like fumbling with plastic cup lids.  just not the same.  why the love for whacking ice?  I told this one manager that I should've been a drummer, i love hitting things so much, and he says that he actually is a drummer, was in a band called the Thunder Machine, which makes me snort, i dunno, that just struck me as funny...

So I was thinking about ice one day while smacking away..and the nickname of "ice queen" that this person gave me.  Of course my mind wanders off to all things metaphorical, and soon I'm thinking about icebergs. How icebergs, and ice, of course, are really just frozen water, but when they begin to melt, they can crash explosively into the ocean around them.  I'm thinking about how recently something in my own life is melting the ice around my own heart, causing huge explosive crashes in these deep waters all around me. These shifting chunks of ice, frozen for years, are now flinging into the sea, dangerously... dangerously close to the people around me. so what's next?  Do I try to protect these people, by trying to get colder and freezing up again?  But why, really?  Is it my fear of falling apart, and people seeing the real me??

All this is making me realize... that I'm not an easy person to get close to.  I have a kind of radar, like a bat, I suppose... There are those "safe" people who I know I can keep things shallow with, and then there are those "unsafe" ones - the ones who can see through my eyes- to "where the demons hide", where they can see "the beast inside" (thanks, Imagine Dragons)....  those who have the power to draw me out of my ice house and put me in an extremely vulnerable place...of trusting another human being, putting my very soul on the line--  oh God I can't do that, can't go there, even though i sometimes want to, my inner being craves to be held in an all-encompassing, all-knowing, let-me-cry-it-all-out-with-no-shame-or-holding back kind of mutual trust & surrender...but it's too scary.  I might let my feet be lifted off the ground - and then find out they're not strong enough or willing to hold me up- to go there into those dark place with me..

Jesus, melt my ice, catch my surrendered soul.

set a fire down in my soul
that i can't contain and i can't control
i want more of you God
i want more of you God

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