Friday, January 3, 2014

horses and shepherds

i'm learning that i'm getting a little stronger...i'm learning that it is possible for me to live in my little boxes. to compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions, keep them out of my daily interactions with people. guard my heart.  keep my deep thoughts hidden away in my heart or in this blog. I can get along like this.  it is possible.  but for the long run, it is not preferable or enjoyable.  it is just basic survival.  it's ok when i'm by myself, i can let down my guard and sing and be creative and just live.  i'm also ok, for the most part, among most people, those who don't expect to go anywhere deeper with me.  but for those who expect more, either they're going to be disappointed, or i will be the disappointed one, that they don't even have the sense or the capability to go where i need to go.  it's hard to explain.  it's why i must journey alone. solo.  solo in a crowd.

It's like...choosing between being a horse with blinders, or a wild horse......
            Here's a little ditty about horses I found on

For many horses, blinders are commonly used in order to prevent the horse from becoming distracted. Farming horses can also be predisposed to distractions and if they are pulling a plow or a wagon they might need blinders to stop them from losing concentration on the direction they are supposed to be headed. The blinders cover the rear vision of the horse, forcing it to look only in a forward direction and keeping it on track. Blinders are also useful to reduce the chances of the horse being spooked and making a run for it while still attached to the wagon.  (
  For the job at hand, I could probably just be a farm horse.  A good, dependable, follow-the-rules, don't-get-distracted, work horse.  Focus on the job at hand.  Avoid anything, anyone that might distract me, causing me to run with my emotions, following my heart instead of the cut-and-dried plan laid out for me.  Is that what I want?  Of course not.  I want to be the wild, unbridled horse that is free to run... but what would people think?  And which is more useful to God?  To live by the rules, keeping my blinders on, or throwing off blinders, bridles and bit, running with the wind wherever it takes me.  oh how shocking!  Like David the Psalmist.  Author of scandalous living.  Committed crimes.  Yet God. knew. his heart. God knew that David was a man after God's own heart.  He sang, he danced for the Lord.  Even in ways that brought him criticism and disdain from the "proper" people of his time.  But he didn't care.  He danced. He knew he had sinned, but he knew God loved him anyway.  He knew grace.  (please don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning scandalous living here..)
So which would God prefer, the workhorse or the wild horse? Dancing David or Meticulous Martha?

Do I want to be remembered as the quiet one who always followed the rules, kept up a good appearance but also kept my mouth shut about how I really felt?  Or do I want the world to see a sinner saved by grace, unafraid to fall on my face in front of everyone, to be lifted by the arms of Jesus into a life where I am free to be me, to live with passion and not be afraid to bare my heart and allow God to use me in ways I would never have even imagined, much less dared to live with my blinders on?
I know none of this makes any sense.  All I know is what I feel.

just honest thoughts from the back pew.
And all i want is...and i'm being totally honest and vulnerable here.. just to hug somebody... and be hugged back.
and mean it. and feel it.  and like it.

no cringing from the awkwardness, or sighing with disappointment.

just a good hug.
that is all.

(wow, that was awkward..)

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