i'm learning that i'm getting a little stronger...i'm learning that it is possible for me to live in my little boxes. to compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions, keep them out of my daily interactions with people. guard my heart. keep my deep thoughts hidden away in my heart or in this blog. I can get along like this. it is possible. but for the long run, it is not preferable or enjoyable. it is just basic survival. it's ok when i'm by myself, i can let down my guard and sing and be creative and just live. i'm also ok, for the most part, among most people, those who don't expect to go anywhere deeper with me. but for those who expect more, either they're going to be disappointed, or i will be the disappointed one, that they don't even have the sense or the capability to go where i need to go. it's hard to explain. it's why i must journey alone. solo. solo in a crowd.
It's like...choosing between being a horse with blinders, or a wild horse......
Here's a little ditty about horses I found on parklaneestrian.com:
For many horses, blinders are commonly used in order to prevent the horse from becoming distracted. Farming horses can also be predisposed to distractions and if they are pulling a plow or a wagon they might need blinders to stop them from losing concentration on the direction they are supposed to be headed. The blinders cover the rear vision of the horse, forcing it to look only in a forward direction and keeping it on track. Blinders are also useful to reduce the chances of the horse being spooked and making a run for it while still attached to the wagon. (parklaneequestrian.com)