Friday, March 14, 2014

drive to school

Caution: Highly Explicitly Dark Lyrics expressed in this blog.  (as usual) Parents strongly  cautioned: do not let your children read this.  Not for the faint of heart or shallow seekers of light-hearted entertainment.

so why do I do this? why not just keep this ugliness inside a private journal for no one else to see. because one day when i'm six feet under i want people to know that i at least gave them some warning.  and also because of the very slight hope it gives me that someone may be reading this and praying for me.  because it hurts so bad that even the people "closest" to me, my (quote) "followers" have no clue what's going on inside of me, so i have to express it here, even though they probably aren't even reading this.  so my stranger, just pray.

this morning i got really choked up taking my kids to school.  had to tell them i loved them, each of them, at least a couple times on the short drive to the elementary school carpool line, just in case i never saw them again.  in case the next thing they saw of their home was a confusing blur of flashing ambulance lights, paramedics rushing around, a stretcher being carried out with a body under a sheet or in a black bag. grown-ups hurriedly ushering the kids to the neighbor's house or a babysitter's, and the hushed panicked voices trying to stay calm and assuring each other with words like, "she's in a better place now".  talk of funeral arrangements, other legal matters, logistics.  bloodstains scrubbed off old hardwood floors.  children scarred for life.  my life just a memory.  yes, that's my mental picture as i do the drive to carpool.  have a nice day.

p.s. think i'll need to double up the prozac today.  tempted to take the whole bottle. but i won't  not this time.


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