Monday, March 24, 2014

red joy

I'm sitting alone at the breakfast table, gazing out the window at the grayness of it all.  Gray, leaf-less trees, grey skies, grey rotting wood of the deck...when all of a sudden...
..."this"'s this beautiful red cardinal, a gorgeous speck of bright, eye-popping red in a landscape of grey.  I am delighted. calmed. given hope by this small piece of loveliness in my vision.  I look down to fumble for a camera, look up again,'s gone.

 I'm sad, yet happy, to have been given that momentary speck of hope in a dismal background.

 Like my thoughts these days.  I have been lower than lower than lower than lower than I have ever been in my entire life, no lie, yet now & then something so random and beautiful comes along, takes me by surprise and gives me joy.

Just small things.  Like, a hug from a co-worker who could tell I was feeling down.  A random comment from a customer who said that I had "beautiful, happy features". (wow, isn't it ironic??)
Reminds me of a quote I read recently, that said something like "Be faithful in the small things, for..therein your strength lies," , or was it, "it's all about the small things"?  I forget. but.. Small things.  That's about all I'm capable of these days.  I've made some major messes, made major mistakes in some big things, yet there are still small things I can do.  Smile at that grumpy person who's just having a bad day.  Squirt a little extra whipped cream on that frappucino for the woman who had to scrounge in her purse for the extra change to pay for this expensive treat.  Say a prayer for someone who has a need that might seem small in comparison to my own dramas, yet do it with a generous heart.  Maybe it's just my way to get through the day.  Encouraging others encourages me.  Doesn't justify my wrongs, but it gives me reason to live.  And in these dark days, I need to acknowledge that there is still light in the world.  Even if I have to pull it out of the dark clouds myself.  It's there if we choose to see it.

I apologize for the dark words regurgitated onto these pages in recent times.  I won't take them back, because on some days, they are part of who I am.  I cannot deny who I am.  And one day if I ever write a novel based on this journey I"m on, I will need to clearly re-experience the darkest times as well as the brightest, so I can clearly communicate the whole story, not just the candy-coated parts.

But I also want to balance them out, and make a commitment to myself and to my world, that I will reach in deeper, into my heart, for those small handfuls of light, of generosity, that are there if I choose to see them.  And instead of puking up so much gory dark talk, I will share bits of light each day.  Find the good in the bad.  The sweet in the sour.  The light in the dark.

 Even if it's something so small as a red cardinal sitting on a branch in a grey landscape of cold winterness.  A red speck of color that is there for a few second, and then flies away.

thank you, little bird.

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