Just say it

When words get stuck, trapped.
Just say what you need to say
Get free, breathe & fly

More rant

Yes mean people suck
Why am i here anyway
Should be home with cats.

Whining @ work. A haiku

Crying on the job
Messed up so bad. Feel so dumb
Fire me already.

Worship thru workout part 2

as i was saying...before i somehow lost everything i typed and now have to start aaaaaaaallllllllll over again...

It's weird seeing my customers at the gym. LIke all they see me in is either my dorky green apron or spandex. My uniform of life. But it was so good to get back to the gym today. Took Body Pump with one of my favorite instructors, the Group Exercise Director who is so motivating and though I can't walk painlessly for days after her class, I love her for it. This class soothed my spirit like a good dose of worship would've done yesterday. Could've used that shot in the arm of church yesterday, or maybe I wouldn't have let this one very Particular co-worker get under my skin the way she did.. and do i mean Particular. If any one dares mess with her espresso bar station or irk her in any way, watch out, she will unleash her very colorfully-spoken wrath upon you and make you feel like a coffee bean fresh out of the grinder. Only for me yesterday, it was more like it punched the "start brew" button in my tear glands, letting loose all my unrelated frustration and funky emotions I've had bottled up...and what a lousy place to feel a cry coming on. Why can't those glands turn on at normal-people-cry-times, instead of at work as I'm about to say "welcome to starbucks, what can we get started for you?" So I found myself finding excuses to turn around and fumble with the coffee filters, while I rub my wet eyes into my black shirt collar, or run to the back for more cup lids, or better yet, escape to the walk-in cooler and stick my head in a crate of milk jugs. Better than crying over spilled milk, right? harhar. But seriously, like everything else, I'll learn to thicken my skin at that place, and just let it go...

Today's workout was a nice release for all that. And there was even sort of a sermon in at least one of the songs... for example, the one we did our squats to, "What's Goin' On" by 4 Non-Blondes, and I quote:

"And I try, oh my God, do I try

I try all the time in this institution

And I pray, oh my God, do I pray

I pray every single day for a revolution

And so I cry sometimes

When I'm lying in bed

Just to get it all out

What's in my head

And I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning

And I step outside

And I take a deep breath and I get real high

And I scream at the top of my lungs

What's going on?"

(end quote)

Then after that very strengthening squat sermon, we had a very hearty sing-along as we did our bicep curls to the classic "Livin on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Ah yes, one of my karaoke favorites!!! Even more fun belting it out while you're curling 20 pounds of iron in your hands. Strangely worshipful. And the story of my life, livin' on a prayer.

And tomorrow I shall don the forementioned green apron again and return to the coffee trenches...hopefully a tiny bit stronger, and much refreshed. Thank you, gym. I'll be prayin..

 

 

 

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Sometimes

Sometimes i feel like i'm unfit to be a mom & should just leave it all, move in w/my sister & be an old spinster for life. I give up. G'night.

Glove up!!!!!

So how do i drive with these things on?

 

Patience and Soft-Heartedness

 

What?? I know, that doesn't sound like the type of eye-of-the-tiger, hear-me-roar, tough girl thoughts I might have after washing off the sweat from my boxing class today, but that's just where I'm at. I'm really not all that tough, I'm realizing. Oh sure, it was a good work-out, and I got some tips on perfecting my roundhouse kick into the bag and aiming my upper cuts right into the chin, even though I wasn't nearly as winded and ready to die every second with this instructor, like I usually am with Mr. Donut Man Duque and his aDorable Doggie pal...

But I'm coming back down to reality in this season I'm going through, learning hard lessons on life and love and family and work and money and even more about God and His amazing grace. Even a wretch like me.

I'm going through some awesome devotions that hit me right where I need it, so I gotta share some things..

Like the one on Patience, and I quote:

"Patience is the practice of trusting even when we cannot see....

"Patience evokes a spirit of humility because we recognize that we are not in charge...

"Patience involves seeking the Source instead of the solution.

"Patience is maturity revealed.

"patience is the art of waiting, expectantly, joyfully, and quietly, when you have no idea what you are waiting for.

"Patience is the ability to stand perfectly still in the vortex of chaos, and be totally content to hang out until further notice simply because you have no intention or desire to move forward without His instruction." (Kristin Armstrong)

That last one really gets me. There seems to be a fine line between waiting on God and just being lazy or procrastinating, I know, but I think there's a lot we can learn from God when we just sit expectantly before Him for awhile. I know for me it's teaching me to have a soft heart. My first reaction to pain is to toughen up, or at least pretend I'm tough, and to keep moving, don't slow down, just push through the ugliness and hope God blesses my decisions. But that's not God's plan for us. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh," God says in Ezekial 36:26.

And again I quote Ms. Armstrong: "In response to heartbreak....it is all too easy to develop a heart of stone.we think this will protect us from any more pain. Yet the problem with stone is that it feels nothing-no pain, but no love either. It is a trap that feels like self-preservation but is actually self-destruction. The Lord wants to give you a heart of flesh. With His love you can emerge from a painful season..with a heart that is yielding, porous, and ready to receive the gifts He has waiting for you."

So yeah, I'll still glove up, alright, but not with hard, unfeeling gloves of stone that bash others yet don't even feel their pain or mine, but with soft gloves of flesh, that can feel as they reach out to others.

And that's all this tough, eye-of-the-tiger has to say today. Roar and purr.

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Night Kitty Haiku

Cat on my pillow
Purring himself to sleep, purrrrrrrr
On my head. Purrfect.

Crazy Zoo

Is there a special zoo

for us freaky people?

those faded wrinkled hippies

Brady Bunch fallouts

Madonna wanna-bes

lusting after that jagged little pill

Still holding out for the prize

In the cereal box

the aimless road tripper

the subway riders beneath

the real world

Of symmetrical ducks and trimmed hedges

We gather & laugh too loud

cry Inappropriately

Share our lost dreams

& those we refuse to stamp out

Crazy zoo

Flying off the rails.

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3:59 a.m.

Ever wish God would just turn off your feelings?
I sure do.
Even when they're more real and yet more bizarre than any I've ever had in all my years on this Earth.
And I've been here a lot of years.

Listening trees

Crying through the woods
10 minute run/pray/worship
Then shower, drive, work.