freedom

sometimes our battles
are won in the spiritual
long before
they are manifested in the physical.

Baby steps

crash and burn...

...examining the ashes... 

.  

                                                                 ...writing it out...

...fighting it out...

  

...getting stronger.....

...getting wiser...

  

...getting back to work...

  

finding my peace...

   

baby steps.

the journey continues.

in my dreams

in my dreams
i am living in a tropical place
by the sea

living out my days
alone is fine
barefoot
writing books
surfing

maybe serving up coffee
in a little shop
that sells my paintings
working in an orphanage

or something like that

teaching dance or yoga
growing my own coffee beans
pineapples
coconuts
and papayas
making them into smoothies

that i serve family & friends
who stay in my guest house
drop by anytime
just silly dreams
for a grey day
in chilly suburbia

wednesday praise & prayer

Encouraging song of the day:  You're an Overcomer by Mandisa

Prayer Requests for the Day: Freedom, Healing, Direction, Provision.

Amen.

in the zone

body pump.  first time back to this gym since...oh-gosh-i'm-so-embarassed-to-say-this...since about 6 weeks ago, yikes.  no wonder i'm feeling like they should call it body puff for me, cuz that's what i'm feelin like, a bag of fluff, a bunch of puff instead of muscles.  oh well.  i drag my rear into class, set up my risers for the chest presses and flies, tricep work, weave in and out of the others, dodging weights and poles as we gather up our ammunition.  for the fight against flab, that is.

 i take my spot in the front row of class. the one place in my life where i love the front row.  where i can see the teacher, where i can analyze my own form, and where i can't get distracted by the others in front of me and get tempted to judge and critique them with snarky thoughts. no, i don't want that scenario. yeah, that's what i love about these group exercise classes: it's the one place in my week where i feel no judgement. i work my hardest, sweat my heart out, nobody criticizes me, even in my head, for once the music starts, i'm in the Zone, and nothing can bother me.  more on that in a sec...

i also love having an instructor telling me what to do and coaching me on. I'm so lost here, having been out of the loop for awhile, that i'm totally at a loss for what weights to put on my bar next, can't remember what weights i was used to using, just glad i had dragged out a plethora of those iron plates, all strewn around my mat, so i can sit like a contented baby in a pile of ring toys, deciding which size plastic ring goes on the pole next. (remember those things? oh never mind..)

music. warm-up. muscle memory kicks in. i remember this stuff, love it.  especially squats.  big loud boom boom music and pressure of the bar on my back as i sink into those squats...oh yeah... I...boom boom boom.....LOVE.....boom boom boom.....SQUATS!!!

i turn into a dumb jock with nothing else on my mind but these gutteral grunts and thumps and presses that push out all other thoughts from my head.

i am in the zone.

not to change the subject, but this reminds me of a really awesome article i read recently, entitled "18 Things Highly Creative People Do Differently".

(here's the link..copy, paste, read it now or later..)  I am in no way trying to assert that I am this wonderfully creative genius that everyone should bow down to, only that I can relate to a lot (or most) of these characteristics and they give me assurance that maybe not such a raving lunatic after all!)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/04/creativity-habits_n_4859769.html?utm_hp_ref=tw&utm_content=bufferfdde1&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

anyway, the part i'm thinking of is about this "zone" we get into... here's a blurb from the article:

They lose track of the time.

Creative types may find that when they're writing, dancing, painting or expressing themselves in another way, they get "in the zone," or what's known as a flow state, which can help them to create at their highest level. Flow is a mental state when an individual transcends conscious thought to reach a heightened state of effortless concentration and calmness. When someone is in this state, they're practically immune to any internal or external pressures and distractions that could hinder their performance.

You get into the flow state when you're performing an activity you enjoy that you're good at, but that also challenges you -- as any good creative project does.

"[Creative people] have found the thing they love, but they've also built up the skill in it to be able to get into the flow state," says Kaufman. "The flow state requires a match between your skill set and the task or activity you're engaging in." (end quote)

This is SO TRUE about me!!! I love this zone state!!!  I totally get into this zone, not just when I'm set up to do something creative, like writing or painting or dancing...but when I'm doing any kind of physical exercise to music.  

But I also get distracted, like any good ADHD-type creative type can understand... like when I finish my class and head to the treadmill to finish off with a run for some cardio...  I"ve got my tunes on and the TV screen in front of me is set to a channel with a UFC fight going on, in Japan, I think.  And I realize that for as much as I love doing my weekly Body Combat class and an occasional class at the boxing gym, I never really watch these fights.  I'm enjoying this visual entertainment while my head pounds to its own Pandora-induced music.  Barefoot fighters in grappling gloves,  i think they're called, using technique and such a beautiful dance, a balance between offense and defense.  pause to wipe off the blood.  very interesting.  the whole mental concentration thing fascinates me.  they are so in the zone.  love how they lock eyes before the fight, staring down their enemy, before they tap their gloves together and retreat to their corners, ready to take down the enemy.  so it is with life.  can't be scared to look the enemy in the eye.  know your strength.  know your strategies.  know what you're up against. proceed with a little bit of cautious, little bit of humble, lots of tiger.  

did i say i get distracted? 

finish the run, step off the treadmill, trying to walk straight while having that weird feeling in my feet like i'm still spinning on the treadmill, plus the booms in my head make me feel like i am literally floating out of that gym.  on a cloud.  totally. in. the. zone.  

i'll be back.

mad as a hatter

If this is what it's like...

to go crazy
insane
totally nuts-o
bezerk
emotionally troubled
schizo
mentally ill
deranged
out of reality
certifiable
demented
of unsound mind
sick in the head
lunatic
unhinged
disturbed
raving
psychotic
mad as a hatter...




then hot dang! I think I like it!
 I have never been more relaxed, at peace with myself, sometimes even joyful, lighthearted and laughing out loud for no reason..than I have been becoming day by day.
 No, it hasn't been a bed of roses, these past 15 months have been the hardest in my life, and the journey ain't over yet,
but these breaks in the clouds,
 rays of light,
 little things that make me smile,
have made it all worth it.
It's so weird that this is what it took for me to finally feel comfortable in my own skin.  I may never get the world to understand this new me.
some may hate me,
some may veer away from me, ('stay away from the crazy lady, kids...")
some may feel sorry for me or try to change me..
they don't like the new me.  this new me that's really the old me with its snakeskin shed behind me, lying in a decaying heap in the past.

just thoughts.

pass the tea, Alice...drink up!!!!
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

on just being myself

(just some self-reflection here...no big deal)

it's ok if not everybody likes me.  i used to not be ok with that.  now i am.  that's a huge step for me.  sure, i still want to please everyone and make people happy...and i can't say i never struggle with the issue anymore...but when it really comes down to it...i gotta be who i am, and if i don't like myself, that's much worse than what others think of me.  and one thing that i have not been able to stand about myself in the past has been not being my true self.  being scared and nervous and acting like i think people want me to act instead of just being myself.  if that makes any sense.  i am so much more relaxed and at peace when i am being the person i am, warts & jewels & all, than when i'm trying to act all prim and proper (on one extreme) or degrading myself, acting like i have no self-respect, to the other extreme.  i have lived in both places, and neither felt right.  i am somewhere in-between.  knowing i am justified by grace and faith, i don't worry so much about acting perfect all the time, yet knowing Who I belong to also keeps me from burying my crown in the stinky mud of a careless, dirty, hopeless life.

if only...if only.  i don't like to live in regret, but just sayin... if only i'd learned this important lesson years and years ago.  not only would i have prevented some great hurts that i have caused by not being open & honest about my true feelings, but i also would've enriched the lives of others around me more, had i been my own original self, completely me, free to love others with an honest heart instead of hiding behind a wall of fear and pretense.  like i said, no use living in regret.  move on.

and that's my thought for the day. well, one of them. i have lots. ;-)

red joy

I'm sitting alone at the breakfast table, gazing out the window at the grayness of it all.  Gray, leaf-less trees, grey skies, grey rotting wood of the deck...when all of a sudden...

..."this" appears...it's this beautiful red cardinal, a gorgeous speck of bright, eye-popping red in a landscape of grey.  I am delighted. calmed. given hope by this small piece of loveliness in my vision.  I look down to fumble for a camera, look up again, and...it's gone.

 I'm sad, yet happy, to have been given that momentary speck of hope in a dismal background.

 Like my thoughts these days.  I have been lower than lower than lower than lower than I have ever been in my entire life, no lie, yet now & then something so random and beautiful comes along, takes me by surprise and gives me joy.

Just small things.  Like, a hug from a co-worker who could tell I was feeling down.  A random comment from a customer who said that I had "beautiful, happy features". (wow, isn't it ironic??)
Reminds me of a quote I read recently, that said something like "Be faithful in the small things, for..therein your strength lies," , or was it, "it's all about the small things"?  I forget. but.. Small things.  That's about all I'm capable of these days.  I've made some major messes, made major mistakes in some big things, yet there are still small things I can do.  Smile at that grumpy person who's just having a bad day.  Squirt a little extra whipped cream on that frappucino for the woman who had to scrounge in her purse for the extra change to pay for this expensive treat.  Say a prayer for someone who has a need that might seem small in comparison to my own dramas, yet do it with a generous heart.  Maybe it's just my way to get through the day.  Encouraging others encourages me.  Doesn't justify my wrongs, but it gives me reason to live.  And in these dark days, I need to acknowledge that there is still light in the world.  Even if I have to pull it out of the dark clouds myself.  It's there if we choose to see it.

I apologize for the dark words regurgitated onto these pages in recent times.  I won't take them back, because on some days, they are part of who I am.  I cannot deny who I am.  And one day if I ever write a novel based on this journey I"m on, I will need to clearly re-experience the darkest times as well as the brightest, so I can clearly communicate the whole story, not just the candy-coated parts.

But I also want to balance them out, and make a commitment to myself and to my world, that I will reach in deeper, into my heart, for those small handfuls of light, of generosity, that are there if I choose to see them.  And instead of puking up so much gory dark talk, I will share bits of light each day.  Find the good in the bad.  The sweet in the sour.  The light in the dark.

 Even if it's something so small as a red cardinal sitting on a branch in a grey landscape of cold winterness.  A red speck of color that is there for a few second, and then flies away.

thank you, little bird.

P.s.

Don't even tempt me
..

Death smells sweet compared to my options. I think my critics would approve, too. Rid this world of another selfish sleezy piece of #@$%&. Just take me Jesus.

Knee jerk reaction

ok, satan, so basically i'm potiphar's wife, a stinkin sleeze bag and should join you in hell.  great. thanks. i needed that. razor, please.

dreams & disasters

dreams and disasters

move in stages

balancing each other out

like supply and demand

yin and yang

ebb and flow

until

if you time it right

there's a sweet spot

where

the deliciousness of the dream

and the grace of God

neutralizes

the venom of the disaster.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12

descent

Sometimes it requires
hitting rock bottom
to turn one's face upward
and see the light
streaming down in rays
In some ways,
I may not quite be there
at the very lowest of lows
the very darkest darkness
But in some ways I'm hitting bottom
getting jostled from the impact
jerking my head instinctively upwards
in hope of finding hope
any hope
from the only source of Hope I know
rays of light
as I continue my descent

don't go there

i know i shouldn't be asking myself these questions...but i can't help it:

how much does a gun cost?  i'll buy it.

how much for a funeral, a cremation?   i can start saving now.  reduce the burden i'm placing on others.

seems all i do on this earth is hurt the ones i love.

so i should just go ahead and take the next exit.

just sayin.

Family

Words of encouragement from my barista buddies. Thanks, guys, you'll never know how much i needed this
..

just a delusion

when there is something
you really really want
you can almost taste it
you feel as if your life depends on it...then
You will believe
what you want to believe
even if it's not true.


when there is something
you really really fear
that you really really would HATE
to have happen...then
you refuse to believe
even the possibility of it
even if it's
staring you in the face.

flight

i'm the plane that went down
no satellite needed
i've got my sonar on
ping....ping.....ping....



but it goes unheard.
sad, chilling chimes
from the depths of watery blackness
..ping......ping....



go unnoticed..
as usual.
up above
traffic as usual
lights still blinking
dishes cleared away
errands run
smiling lips painted on
but no one's inside.



how long can one maintain this existence
without outside contact,
without oxygen,
light,
a warm hug,
a heart that understands.
signal continues...
ping...ping...
one only needs to look
into the blue.



then again,
don't bother.
she's dead.
you can see it in her eyes.

drive to school

Caution: Highly Explicitly Dark Lyrics expressed in this blog.  (as usual) Parents strongly  cautioned: do not let your children read this.  Not for the faint of heart or shallow seekers of light-hearted entertainment.

so why do I do this? why not just keep this ugliness inside a private journal for no one else to see. because one day when i'm six feet under i want people to know that i at least gave them some warning.  and also because of the very slight hope it gives me that someone may be reading this and praying for me.  because it hurts so bad that even the people "closest" to me, my (quote) "followers" have no clue what's going on inside of me, so i have to express it here, even though they probably aren't even reading this.  so my stranger, just pray.

this morning i got really choked up taking my kids to school.  had to tell them i loved them, each of them, at least a couple times on the short drive to the elementary school carpool line, just in case i never saw them again.  in case the next thing they saw of their home was a confusing blur of flashing ambulance lights, paramedics rushing around, a stretcher being carried out with a body under a sheet or in a black bag. grown-ups hurriedly ushering the kids to the neighbor's house or a babysitter's, and the hushed panicked voices trying to stay calm and assuring each other with words like, "she's in a better place now".  talk of funeral arrangements, other legal matters, logistics.  bloodstains scrubbed off old hardwood floors.  children scarred for life.  my life just a memory.  yes, that's my mental picture as i do the drive to carpool.  have a nice day.

p.s. think i'll need to double up the prozac today.  tempted to take the whole bottle. but i won't  not this time.

every breath a prayer

lord thank you for being my God
thank you for loving me
forgive me
hold me
keep me from slipping
down that slippery road of depression and darkness
 lead me in your ways of light
and hope
and redemption
for your name's sake
carve out your name
in the emptiness of my heart
and pour me out
to bless others in need
somehow
amen

haiku

quiet sobs echo
louder in the empty house
from my empty heart

sleepytime

i once had a friend who would sleep all day long because he was so severely depressed.  so i'd come over and just lie there with him awhile, to try to comfort him, which was weird, because he was asleep the whole time. (later he committed suicide and "won" his battle over bipolar disorder)  Now i can sort of understand what he was going through.  being really depressed is really exhausting.  still haven't done a thing yet today, in my jammies still, and ready to go back to bed. oh don't worry, i'll be back up for the kids and for work tonight, will have my happy face back on, nobody will have a clue what i did (or didn't do) all day.  just keep singin the happy song... (because i'm happy...clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth...)

lucky me

i guess i'm lucky

to  be able to spout out all these negative

thoughts and feelings

most people wouldn't dare

they either have their image to maintain

or no possible route of anomonity ? anonymousity? whatever the word is...

unknowness i guess...

because they have such huge tight circles of 

friends followers fans

who would read this junk

and yell at them

what are you thinking?

you know you're better than that

you know God loves you too much to let you slide into that kind of

stinkin thinkin...

but no

i don't have those connections

i don't hear those words of encouragement

i don't have twenty million followers, fans, friends, whatever.

oh well

i have my cats

and my cats love me 

and snuggle with me

and they can't read.

dirty laundry

sometimes i hope
that death and heaven
are just like going into a coma
an unconscious state
where i feel and see nothing
no recollection of past mistakes
no familiar faces to remind me
of my failures
and missed opportunities
no more pain
just emptiness
like now
only better
that would be heaven
for me

Beauty and the Beast: the Sequel

     Over the past year or so, i've been introduced to the term, Stockholm syndrome.

 Defined by wikipedia as " a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness."

And defined by dictionary.com as:
"an emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of continuous stress, dependence, and a need to cooperate for survival."

 In the context of real situations of kidnapping and traumatic events, this term is not something I can relate to, as I've never been kidnapped.


But the second time I heard the term, it was associated with the familiar story of The Beauty and the Beast, made popular by the Disney movie, you know the story.  And it got me thinking...

 What if it really wasn't so much that she falls in love with her captor, but was enamored to the idea of being protected, adored, coddled, treated to any easy life in a beautiful castle, exciting trips, time to pursue her interests, (Belle loved to read!)  ...perhaps this is all a girl can ask for?  is it?    I mean, as long as she can set some physical boundaries in the relationship, keeping it platonic, isn't that enough?

What if the beastly appearance was just a metaphor for that immediate, gut reaction or repulsion she had for him, though she couldn't explain why?    And what if the "miraculous" conversion of the beast to a prince was really just her mind reasoning with her, saying, "ok, look, you are being admired, adored, well-taken care of, maybe this isn't a beast after all?"  even though her gut still feels that repulsion when he comes near.  Is her mind strong enough to let her continue believing he's a prince and not a beast?

 And suppose Belle is already 34 years old, her high school and college friends have long beat her in getting married and starting a family.  The fact that she doesn't really LOVE the beast doesn't hold much weight against the prospect of going unwed and childless into the rest of her life.  She might as well just settle...why not, live this easy life in luxury and possibly even have kids that have a 50% resemblance to her own loveliness.  

And...suppose Belle already had a victim mentality, so it wasn't so much that the Beast coerced her into becoming his prisoner, but she had a hard time saying NO to people because she felt so weak and powerless.  And wasn't a life as a prisoner in a fancy castle far better than living in poverty with an aging father and a bunch of mean, selfish sisters who probably contributed to her victim mentality and powerlessness?

And by the time she realizes all of this, Belle has become so accustomed to living her easy life and having people see their picture-perfect exterior and saying "oh what a lovely couple", etc, further enhancing the Barbie & Ken/Disney image, that she just shuts her mouth, assumes her fate is sealed, and she's locked in. Frozen. (Frozen? hmmm...another movie perhaps?)

There needs to be a sequel, a Belle II movie, where she re-discovers herself, becomes strong enough to realize she doesn't need to live in a prison, just for protection and an easy life, especially not with a beast whom she doesn't truly love.  Where she discovers the true Beauty inside of her, that doesn't require a prince for authentication, certification of her worthiness.  Just someone she loves with all her heart, someone whom she can call her equal, her true sweetheart, a perfect partner, match, soul mate...

Is that possible?

Nahh, that's just fairytale junk.

Prayer

Jesus i just want to die. Please take me. Amen.

just suppoe

suppose there was a TRUTH
about your heart
in your heart
that you knew
that you knew
that you knew
that you knew
that you knew...
it was intricately a part of you
black and white
clear as the blue sky
as solid as the dirt under your feet
as sure as the taste of sugar on your tongue....
but nobody believed you.
They thought you were crazy.
Deceived. Troubled. Immature. Flighty. Selfish.
at first you gave in
letting others overpower you was easy
you had no power anyway
and the furnishings of your prison
were actually pleasant ones
tastefully decorated
but they were still a prison
and the only way out,
the key to your freedom
was getting them,
at least some of them, one of them,
to BELIEVE the truth in your heart
that you know
that you know
that you know
that you know
that you know
is TRUE.
and as the time goes on
you become bolder
in your attempt to escape
you are willing to become
a martyr for your belief.
and if no one wants to bear the guilt
on their hands
of burning you at the stake
for your belief
for that Truth in your heart,
...then you are ready
to take matters into your own hands.

just googling...

just some research notes, no big deal...

Nitrous oxide is painless and will produce unconsciousness in a few seconds. It can be obtained from Auto speed shops. It does require a mask or some way to keep breathing it after one passes out. Nitrous oxide is not poisonous but it will not support life and will cause suffocation if one keeps breathing it after one passes out. To insure death without possible resuscitation and brain damage, one should breathe it for 15 to 20 minutes to insure death.
One way to do this is to hook a gas mask or oxygen mask to a garbage bag full of the gas.
When dentists use this gas for painless dentistry they mix the gas with oxygen to prevent asphyxiation.
The gas can also be obtained from whippets which are tiny tanks of nitrous oxide for making whipped cream. It will take a few of these and a whipped cream maker but you can fill a garbage bag with the gas from them. Also canned whip cream has this gas in them and enough can be obtained from them to fill the garbage bag also.
When kids get high from breathing whippets they usually don't breath enough to pass out or they pass out and drop the whippet and begin breathing air again so the don't die.

carbon monoxide. You just fall asleep and die.

air: 20 cc injected in artery with a syringe is lethal 
water: if you drink 10 lt of water at a time, you will die from water poisoning. 
salt: 125 gr 
apple seeds: if you eat chew apple seeds enough, you will be poisoned and die. 
cherry pits: same story 
tobacco: 300 gr leaves into water, set it aside for 6 days, take out the leaves, simmer the water into 2 table spoon, mix into something then drink. 
some chemicals which are easy to access which are fatal: sodium cyanide, strychnine, mercury, carbonmonoxide, butane, helium, nitrogen, potassium chloride, pesticides 

easy to access drugs: aspirine (30+gr), barbiturates, 

mixtures: zyprexa+kolopin+sleeping pills+sodium or potassium citrate+alcohol 

deadly plants and animals: google them. 

Get some scuba gear, including a really heavy weight belt. They say the deeper you go, the better it gets. Not sure where they got their information.

Or, a bottle of helium gas and a plastic. I have it on hearsay that in the absence of CO2, your bod doesn't even realize it is suffocating.

honest cry

dear God,
can i just die and go to heaven, like now?
my hands are raised, just scoop me up.
please?

rather

I would rather
have my desires go unmet
and live in poverty,

...but free and honestly..



..than have a well-cared for, protected facade with fringe benefits,



....and live masked,
in a cage.