Love & Rage

 

(my blogging obsession has come to this: In a lack for paper and an abundance of inspiration- on the road- I resort to scrawled notes on old napkins.)

Love. Rage. Previously planned as 2 separate posts, one a continuation of my last brain-spill on agape love, and another on today's body combat class, but since my multi-tasking brain is always throwing all my thoughts together anyway, why not confuse all the non-ADHD people out there by combining the two! hah! Besides, trying to recall all the interesting little tidbits from that class is such an ADHD experience anyway, zeroing in on all the millions of sound-bytes still pounding in my head after such an enjoyable 60 minutes of pure frenzied RAGE!

ok, don't get me wrong. It already felt weird to post the above quote by Mary Shelley, from Frankenstein. I mean, what will the world think? I'd actually prefer to call it a "righteous anger". Like Jesus. But that's another blog post for another time.

Rage in Body Combat class. here we go:

I walk in late, as I sometimes do, and struggle to find my favorite spot on the floor, strategically dancing around the other Mad Cary Moms to avoid getting roundhouse-kicked as I fight for my perfect view of the instructor as well as a clear reflection of my beastly self in the big front mirror. He sees me and says over his mike, "hey, I was looking for you this morning!" to which I respond with a chugging-down-a-drink motion. What that meant was, I've recently started seeing him coming into my Starbucks where I work, on the Thursday mornings when I cannot attend class due to this job, and happily, today was a day I had off! He usually orders 2 venti blonde roast coffees, for him and his male partner. Hopefully the other MCM's didn't think I was referring to another type of drinking. but anyway...

Today he's dressed like either a Pirate or a Gladiator or something fighter-ish, and he's done a nice job on the eyeliner. Looks like a very pretty girl. This is Halloween, of course, and some other fighters in class have dressed up, too. He also chose some good fun songs to work out to, as well. Like Pirates of the Carribean, where we do our sword dance and stab: "Gurgle!!!" he screams as we all plunge our swords into our imaginary opponent's gut. oh, and the fun new move we do during this one is the Kung Fu Claw! I love it!! He also tells us, once again, to imagine those 5 opponents on every side of us. hmmm, are they the same 5 I had a few months ago when we did this track? Let me think...

We also do a dance version of the Cranberries' Zombie song, which I love and even blogged about once, love those lyrics.."in your head, in your head..."

Boxing..."beat the sand out of that bag!!!" Reminds me, I need to get back to my boxing gym again soon, too.

Muay Thai..from the best song in the world for that- "Speed", that wonderfully thrashing speed metal song by...i forget. oh-atari teenage riot. strange lyrics, but it's an awesome song for this, and I'm so glad only this mirror sees the face of RAGE that comes out when I'm fighting like this. Which brings us back to that topic of this blog. Is it just me, or do we all have this hidden RAGE inside of us, ready to let loose and ATTACK when pushed too far? When we've taken enough, played the polite people-pleaser for way too long. And since it's Halloween, or the day after, what is it that fascinates us about these dark sides? Like Michael Jackson wrote in the last line of Thriller...."For no mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller". well, we don't need to go there. I'm not a dark person. just curious.

Robb gives us a proverb: "A good downward elbow strike will SHATTER the cheekbone, BREAK the nose and CRACK the browbone."

And on the brawler punches: "Your opponent is on the ground, begging for mercy. Grab him by the hair, turn his face up, look into his eyes...and..." (you can imagine what comes next!)

Observation: on the flying elbow strikes, we are jumping high...and I notice that I'm flying a little higher than usual..seems my recent unintentional liquid diet of only frappucino leftovers slammed down when no one's looking while on the job has caused me to lose a few pounds. Makes jumping high even more fun, and slashing my opponent with a sharp elbow even more satisfying!!

So a few quick words on the opposite topic. love. Revisiting my previous post on Agape. Walking back over the rubble. Smoke still rising, smell of napalm...from the explosion of the heart that bared my soul, sending shreds of raw emotion and secret desires all over the place....(ok, maybe that's a little too dramatic).. limping and staggering from the vulnerability hangover.

Why do I do this? Who do I think I am, some self-absorbed celebrity who bleeds her inmost secrets on her Twitter account for her fans to suck up and pass on the juicy gossip? No, I know I couldn't aspire to that stinky sense of stardom even if I wanted to.

Instead- this writing thing gives me a sense of clarity. Writing for a perceived audience keeps me on my toes- (or pen-tips!) Just like employees have been proven to work harder and better when they think they're being watched..i am more motivated to really dig in and sort out my thoughts, define them, make sense of them, in order to communicate them clearly to the reader. (real or imagined).

And where does this most recent heart-explosion leave me? Besides sickly nauseous from the forementioned vulnerability hangover... I am further convinced, that to discover this Agape-phileo-eros distinction is a big milestone in my journey. I like the part of the quote on Eros that says, "Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself." So therefore, if I am unable to obtain relational eros in this lifetime, I can continue to open my heart and flood the space around me with my art, whether it be my writing, or dance, choreography, painting, music, or whatever my creative muse produces in any particular season. In art, I can indulge my fantasy, my longings, my escapism, my fury, my passion, my euphorias and my griefs, in a safe place.

I love this quote by Twyla Tharp, famous choreographer: "Art is the only way to run away without leaving home."

And that is my rather awkward ending to an all-over-the-place random spill of the brain again.

And now just for fun...

 

 

 

 

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Agape (more tears on the yoga mat)

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,

and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

— 1 Corinthians 13:1-2

I've been following a daily devotional by Kristin Armstrong, and it almost always hits me right on target, right what I need to hear or be challenged by from God's Word, yet enough understanding and gentleness from her personal perspective that it really encourages me. Until the other day. This particular discussion dealt with living in peace with one another, whether or not we agree with each other, desire each other's company or feel warmly toward one another. In other words, agape love. The kind of love that only God can execute perfectly. I did not like this devotion. My thoughts were, "ok, Kristin, I was with you most the time in this book, but here's where we diverge. I just don't like hearing this stuff right now."

She went on to say this, and I quote: "We think too often of love in terms of romance, passion, or marriage. Agape love is the love God calls us to, and it is a higher, all-encompassing love. It is not related to emotion or based in things as fleeting as passion or present circumstances. It is based solely in God."

ok, great, I'm thinking. Even though we have the human potential to have those "fleeting" powerful emotions that create the swelling music in our heads like in a movie, and the feeling of our breath sucked out of our chest, etc, etc, ...that those are just shallow emotions that only a few privileged people are allowed to have fairly consistently throughout their lifetime. Even if it's something they still have to work at, as of course life isn't just one big chick-flick all the way through, it just seems unfair, Lord, that the rest of us have to miss out.

Teach me, Lord, to find peace in learning to practice the kind of love that Jesus did.

"We are called to live in peace. It is a mandate, not a suggestion. Jesus lived in peace every moment of His life, even to His death, and we are called to emulate Him. We don't have to desire this, understand how to do this, or conjure the feelings associated with it. We simply have to obey, ask for help, and open ourselves to the power of agape love." (Kristin Armstrong, Happily Ever After)

And while I'm on a roll with quoting everybody else's stuff, here's some good definitions of the Greek words for love, taken from tvtropes.org:

"Love is the most important value of all. Everyone needs to love and be loved in return.

Because "love" can apply in many situations and circumstances, the concept of love will be divided into four different types (as proposed by C. S. Lewis in his The Four Loves) for a better study of this trope:

Storge (Affection/Family) - This is fondness through familiarity, especially among family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance.

Philia (Friendship) - Friendship is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. This includes what Lewis calls companionship; that is gregariousness of the kind which is found in a Good Guy Bar or Local Hangout; as well as friendship proper which is between Heterosexual Life-Partners, Platonic Life Partners and the like but often starts as companionship.

Eros (Romance) - This is love in the sense of 'being in love'. (This is distinct from sexuality.) This kind of love longs for emotional connection with the other person. According to C.S. Lewis, sexuality is called "Venus." It can be part of "Eros," but on its own, it is not one of the loves, just desire (not to be confused with Lust which is this desire expressed in a sinful way)."

(and another quote from Wikipedia: Éros (ἔρως érōs[2]) is "physical" passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. Romantic, pure emotion without the balance of logic. "Love at first sight". The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "intimate love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." In the Symposium, the most famous ancient work on the subject, Plato has Socrates argue that eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth, the ideal "Form" of youthful beauty that leads us humans to feel erotic desire – thus suggesting that even that sensually-based love aspires to the non-corporeal, spiritual plane of existence; that is, finding its truth, just like finding any truth, leads to transcendence. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth through the means of eros." (Wikipedia.org)

"Agape (Unconditional Love) - This is the love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance. The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice. It is also a decision, not fueled by pure emotions (theoretically). However, emotions such as the other three loves can provide a "booster rocket" into agape. Note that true agape is never self-destructive; it is not the willingness to sacrifice oneself that, say, someone with a Guilt Complex would have. It builds the soul, and, like the other types, fosters emotional health and self-confidence. It's difficult to express the differences between a Martyr Without a Cause and someone who's accepted agape love into their heart, but they exist. Agape love need not always be spiritual, but it is often based in spirituality." (tvtropes.org, again..)

I am not done with this study, even though I'm about finished with this post. I will never be done being God's student on this topic of Agape love. I plan on coming back to this study over and over again, both in looking back at these love definitions I found, and trying to work it out in my own life. Right now it is very hard to swallow the command to practice agape love even when there's no guarantee of ever experiencing any of the more enjoyable "eros" love in this lifetime. Sorry for my negativity. I know God can do anything, but from a practical perspective, i mean, really???

And those were some of my thoughts during the relaxation part of my yoga class today. Drip, drop, drip.

 

 

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Night owl haiku

Love the quiet, ahhh..
All asleep but me. I fly..
Thoughts & dreams, they soar

my worship response

Ps. 103:1-5

"Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires

with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

My version:

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

I cannot forget all your benefits, all the ways you have worked in my life, Lord.

Since I was a child, you pursued me with your love.

Put the right people in my life to lead me to a saving faith in you.

Despite an environment of spiritual darkness,

you never left me. Even when I turned my back on you,

you gently led me back and showed me your grace and your miracles. You wowed me with answered prayers and amazing things only you could do.

 

When I had no direction, you spoke to me and led me to a foreign land. Lit a fire inside me for overseas ministry..

as well as ministry to hurting teens. For three years you used these ministries to open up and begin shaping my own heart.. thank you for those seeds planted.

You have provided for me, protected me, and blessed me with beautiful children.

You say that you keep my tears in a bottle and know the very hairs on my head.

You know when I am not being real, and despite my attempts to hide parts of my heart from you, you still pursue me and challenge me...

in a good way, you desire me to keep growing, to not remain stagnant.

To keep my dreams alive. Perhaps one day I will find that undiscovered island, that new place of ministry or adventure that I still yearn for.

Even though right now a part of my life seems to be dying, perhaps it will eventually open some doors for this prayer of my heart to be answered: "Here I am, Lord, send me!"

In the meantime, I pray that "out of the most severe trial, (my) overflowing joy and extreme poverty will well up in rich generosity" (2 Cor. 8:2)... That from this journey I am on, I may somehow bless someone else along the way.

(which reminds me of an encouraging thing that's happening on my job recently, a way that God is using me to be sort of a mentor to a young single mom I work with, the very same "tough girl" who threatened to cuss me out if I messed up her espresso bar and was the same one who made me cry in the bathroom after she yelled at me for doing something stupid..but I'll save that for another time)

So thank you, Lord, for all your benefits.

Thank you for never giving up on me.

Praise the Lord.

 

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spirit thing

(haiku)

electrifying

holy spirit does its work

drawing me to You

 

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2 Corinthians 8:2

"Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity." 1 Cor. 8:2

I first came up with the screen name "jennerosity" over 7 years ago. I was pregnant with my second child, had gotten comfortable being a stay-at-home mom and had just discovered etsy.com, the handmade marketplace which would soon become my next venue for my handmade jewelry and other random creations. I liked the term because it combined my family name, jenner, which I've been called since birth by family and people in my closest circles, along with the idea of sharing something. Not giving grudgingly or out of obligation, but the kind of giving that comes out of a heart overflowing with joy. I was thankful for the gifts God had given me, my home, my children, and the new talents I was discovering I had, and so I was excited about sharing them. Connecting with other artists and art-lovers through this new medium and hopefully also creating a platform to share my heart in some way.

Fast forward to about a year ago. Both kids now in school, it seemed I had a little more time on my hands to create stuff, to finally ramp up a home-based business, but instead the alone time created a space for God to get into my thoughts and start a little ruckus. Not exactly what I was looking for at this stage in my life. Thought I had everything figured out, had my life on auto-pilot. Thought I was living out of a true heart, at least mostly. As long as I kept a couple doors shut, everything was fine. But God knew I was still trapped inside that one place in my heart, a place I tried to cover up and pretend it wasn't there. Like being trapped inside a block of ice, I could barely hear the "chink, chink" of Him chipping away at the outside of the ice block, yet I resisted. The chinks got louder, my heart became restless, a storm was brewing, and then it all exploded.

Threw me into the most severe trial of my life. This blog reflects some of that. I don't need to reiterate the darkness and pain and sadness this season has brought me. And yet it has also planted new seeds of life within me. So strange. As one thing dies, it brings new life. Life to a new kind of joy. A joy that exists despite extreme poverty of spirit, despite the deepest sorrow and remorse. A dim flicker of light that refuses to go out no matter what everything else in my life is screaming at me.

I know the above Scripture was referring to a type of material generosity shown by the people of the Macedonian church in the days of the Apostle Paul. Giving generously despite their poverty. I face a similar situation in that I am so depleted emotionally and spiritually right now, yet it is that very lack that is springing up in me a desire to give, to share, to reach out to those hurting in ways I can now understand.

I don't know where this is leading. My hope is that God is preparing me for a new life of ministry in some way. But first I must continue my own healing journey. Before God can do a good work THROUGH me, I have to let Him do His work IN me.

For today, I am thankful for this flicker of joy. This desire to be generous. Share. Love. Live Generously.

Jennerosity.

 

 

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Seasons Change

cool fall nights

early darkness

warm house beckons

invites me to stay

in its warm embrace

stay in a place of stillness

where I am protected

nurse my wounds

hide in the darkness

stop the uphill climb

but

the sun will rise again

I must get up,

arise

&

overcome.

HE is

all I need.

"For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer."

Isaiah 54:5

 

 

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Learned Helplessness

The following quoted paragraphs are interesting explanations of a phenomenon, a term, that hit me in the middle of the night, one of those "aha!!" and "grab your flashlight and go to your journal" type moments.

" Learned helplessness is the condition of a human or animal that has learned to behave helplessly, failing to respond even though there are opportunities for it to help itself by avoiding unpleasant circumstances or by gaining positive rewards. Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation.[1] Organisms that have been ineffective and less sensitive in determining the consequences of their behavior are defined as having acquired Learned Helplessness." (wikipedia)

"Learned helplessness has also been associated with several different psychological disorders. Depression, anxiety, phobias, shyness and loneliness can all be exacerbated by learned helplessness. For example, a woman who feels shy in social situations may eventually begin to feel that there is nothing she can do to overcome her symptoms. This sense that her symptoms are out of her direct control may lead her to stop trying to engage herself in social situations, thus making her shyness even more pronounced."(Pschyology.about.com)

ok, so I could just stop right there. The studies speak for themselves. But I'm suddenly realizing how this applies to my own condition in some ways, and how identifying this tendency of mine will help me to resist and overcome it. I don't need to get into details here, but I will simply close with this reminder from a previous post, and a song by Mandisa: I am an Overcomer in Christ Jesus. I can overcome this and many other obstacles. Step by step. Continue the journey, however dark and confusing and painful it may be sometimes. Thank you, Jesus.

 

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chicken scratch

Once upon a time there was an eagle that thought it was a chicken. His name was Howie. Howie lived in a chicken coop and spent its days scratching around in the dirt with the other chickens in a fenced-in pen on a farm. Sometimes he wondered why he seemed to look and feel different than all the other chickens, but he had enough food to eat, and was kept safe and warm in the coop, so he decided this was his happy safe little place in life, so he just settled for the life of a chicken. Ignored the restlessness in his wings, that feeling that he was meant for something different, something that would give him a much greater view of things, something that would feel more like his true calling. The other chickens told him that there were wolves outside the pen, and other scary things that might hurt them, so he just took their advice and didn't try anything risky.

Then one day a real eagle went flying by, circled overhead, and landed with a flutter just outside the chicken coop. The chickens all scattered away from the fence, but Howie just stood there, mesmerized by this strange, somewhat familiar-looking creature that was standing there staring at him. There seemed a sense of connection, but Howie couldn't tell what it was. And besides, he was just a chicken, he thought. The other eagle's name was Ricardo. "Hey!" said Ricardo. "What are you doing in a chicken coop?" To which Howie explained that this was his home, of course, because he was a chicken. Ricardo shook his head and tried to convince Howie otherwise, but Howie kept reminding him of the dangers that lurked out in the wild, and how he was kept safe and warm on the farm so why should he desire anything else?

This went on for a long time, with Ricardo visiting Howie often, just to chat. They had a lot of things in common, of course, so talk came easy, though Howie couldn't put his finger, er, his talon on what it was that made them so alike. Ricardo would often encourage Howie to spread his wings and try to fly, but Howie would just say "oh, no, no, no, I couldn't do that...besides, what would all the other chickens think of me?"

One day after a heavy rain, Ricardo came soaring out from the woods, circled the farm as usual, and fluttered down next to a large mud puddle next to the chicken pen. "Howie! Howie!" he called. "Come and look!" Howie pecked his way over to the fence, where he could see the deep water of the mud puddle glistening and reflecting the sky on this clear sunny day. Ricardo excitedly motioned for Howie to move closer and take a good look at the mirror-like reflection in the puddle. So Howie looked, and when he saw that his reflection looked almost identical to Ricardo's, he suddenly realized the truth: he was not a chicken after all; he was an eagle! A beautiful, majestic eagle that longed to soar through the sky and fly beyond the confines of this farm, to use his gifts and talents to reach places he never before dreamed he could go, to courageously venture into new territory, conquer his fears and live the adventure of a lifetime with his buddy Ricardo.

And that's the end of a rather cheesy story that I hope is also a bit encouraging. We can all be eagles. We just need a little encouragement.

 

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Feel this moment

Later when my coffee's brewing

I'll be in my green apron doin'

Something dumb but till my drive-thru's open

I just wanna feel this moment..

whooa-oh-oh-ohhhhhhhh,

I just wanna feel this moment,

ohhhh, ohhh-oh-ohhhhh,

I just wanna feel this moment.

doo-doo-doo-doot-doot-doot-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doo-doo-doo-doo.... (are you keeping up on these doots with me??) :-)

i think i need sleep....

 

 

 

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Random haiku

Sometimes when i think
About my life i just shake
My head and laugh. Ha!

Slaughterhouse PNC

A cold-sensitive introvert with anxiety, panic issues,  phobias of large crowds & heights  & no interest in team sports should not have to go to a Hurricanes game. Just sayin.

Like a sheep being led to the slaughter...

I open not my mouth. (It's frozen shut, teeth chattering...)

Liar

"Is everything ok?"
"Yeah."
Why am i such a liar?

Overcomer

 

I just had to share this video link again.. Awesome, awesome video of Mandisa's song "Overcomer".

The music, the testimonies of celebrities, the sports metaphors, and most of all the message that we are Overcomers in Christ Jesus.

Please take a couple minutes and enjoy this bit of inspiration:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=b8VoUYtx0kw&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Db8VoUYtx0kw%26feature%3Dyoutu.be

Love it. I may not be where I want to be, but there is a ray of hope.

Stay in the fight til the final round..

 

"Overcomer"

Staring at a stop sign
Watching people drive by
T Mac on the radio
Got so much on your mind
Nothing's really going right
Looking for a ray of hope

Whatever it is you may be going through
I know He's not gonna let it get the best of you

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight ‘til the final round
You're not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when He reminds You
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer

Everybody's been down
Hit the bottom, hit the ground
Oh, you're not alone
Just take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises
He wants You to know

The same Man, the Great I am
The one who overcame death
Is living inside of You
So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There's nothing He can't do
He's telling You

 

 

 

 

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inside the rain cloud

 

Haiku:

sweaty combat class

shower, pouring rain, these are

all places to hide.

_______________

Lyrics on the way to the gym...just like a one-winged dove....even the best fall down sometimes, even wrong words seem to rhyme, stars refuse to shine.....joke was on me, cold, hard ground...(reminds me, yes, the joke was on me. why does a mind & a heart refuse to believe what it doesn't want to believe?) Then at the gym, 3 songs by Fall Out Boy. Feeling like Fall Out Girl here.

New and old techniques in combat class: e-kick, ascending & descending elbow strikes, baller brawl, or is it ball brawler, or just brawler, i dunno, more complex karate combos: punch, guard, back kick, knee...

"Imagine your opponent...target the nose, lip, and chin.." (oh yes, I'm imagining it...don't even get me started!) Feeling especially mean today. Like the fire in me for fighting is no longer sweetened with niceness. nope. goodbye miss nice guy. ok, i'm still nice for my kids & my kitties, a few others, but today, i'm seeing the bad & the ugly side.

Why do I even do this? I can stop certain habits, but this one, I can't stop it. It's like I'm a muse to myself. Gotta throw my words out there. It's a faith thing. Like prayer. I know there's a God up there who hears my prayers and cares. And somehow I like to believe that there's a kindred spirit out there who hears and cares about this garbage, too. Even a complete stranger in Botswana or Tokyo or Berlin. doesn't matter. I really should start writing novels. Fiction about criminals, murder, adventure, death, emotional drama, get this stuff out of my head and into anonymous characters who don't really exist. But sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

And time for another expensive conversation. At least one real person hears me. and cares.

 

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24 hours

Minutes & inches from a car crash destroying me
Other car dies one day after getting it fixed. While at a Bible study.
Microwave dies.
Roof leaks.
My heart dies.
All in 24 hours.
Coincidence?
Or spiritual attack?

21 days

I feel so stupid.
But it only takes three weeks
To change a habit.

Haikus by flashlight

 

Is it possible

for the heart to hurt this bad

and still be alive?

**************

solitude sweetness

my heart beats for you alone,

Lord, for you alone.

****************

(somewhere in the Psalms...)

Search me O my God

Test every thought within me

Show me anything

that grieves your heart.

Search me O my God,

Test every thought within me.

Lead me in Your ways,

Forever, My God.

How precious are your thoughts to me, O Lord, my God,

Even when I wake You're there with me.

No matter where I go, O Lord,

You're always there with me,

Before I was born

You planned each day for me,

Before I was born,

You planned each day for me,

My God.

 

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Runaway

 

Ooooh, she's a little runaway...

Yes, that's me. Or it would be me. Again. If not for my kids. Thank God for them.

But history can and will repeat itself if left untreated. What comes around, goes around.

First time at 21.

Born again for 2 years.

But as the sickness of heart returned, & I lost at love again

My love walk with the Lord became a duty walk.

Was an active member of my college Christian campus organization, surrounded by young happy believers, happily walking the walk, yet I wondered why they shined while I was so torn up inside. So come the next heartbreak, when I didn't get what I wanted,

I was gone. Flew the coop.

Moved out of fellowship

& into the party village, an apartment of potheads. Became one of them. (sorry for the labeling, it's just what we were called back then) Sororities, frats & bars were my new fellowship.

Could hide my heart and try to find common ground with those not-so-squeaky-clean, less spiritual ones.

Sometimes would see the old Christian crowd on campus, would cross the street, avert my eyes, try to avoid having to explain my sudden change.

Eventually came around again, 2 years later, returned to the flock, though many had graduated, moved on.

Felt odd. Still I committed to walk the straight & narrow...

Really tried to keep a genuine faith walk, matured in some ways....

but...Apparently...

one closet door had remained shut.

All these years.

Now the monster's trying to get out

to show me what I'm lacking

and I just want to run.

Sing it, Bon Jovi....

 

 

 

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A & B

Recently I realized that there are 2 types of people in my little world:

A- those people who intimidate me to some degree, and

B- those who do not.

The "A" types, (not necessarily "type A" personalities, but typically they often are that way...) always create an uneasy response in me. At one extreme, when these type A's are being especially confrontational, adamant, forceful, unbending...I become like a deer in the headlights: paralyzed with fear, my mind goes blank, I stumble, I panic, I do whatever they want, I freeze, my brain shuts down, I become a robot without any personality or rational thought processes. When these type A people are acting friendly but still very type A-ish and a bit patronizing, I may still find myself giving in to their self-created authority on things, and I act stupid, or ask dumb questions that I could easily figure out myself if I wasn't feeling so "dumbed-down" by the intimidating presence of this type A person.

Type B's, on the other hand, are the people whom I can relax with, those who I can let my guard down with, those whose presence is calming, gives me a sense of "ahhhh". Those people are the ones I can act silly in front of, and yet still think and accomplish tasks with confidence and creativity.

Over time, the type A's may not make me feel AS intimidating to me, but they will never become part of the B group. Their nature remains the same.

My goal: to learn to relax around these types of people, to speak words of truth and encouragement to myself in their presence, and to kindly assert myself and speak the truth to these people, to say what I need to say, do the things I need to do. No more fear.

just some observations.

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Longings

from a devotional on iBelieve.com, I quote Renee Fisher:

"It's ok to have unfulfilled longings. I am confident God allows our desires to go unmet for many reasons, one of which is because He wants to be the one to satisfy our deepest desires and longings."

(end quote)

That said, I would much rather live openly and honestly re: my unfulfilled longings, rather than maintain a false status, pretending it's fulfilled when it's not. I would rather swim through the ebb and flow of finding fulfillment in Christ alone, than bob around in the shallow water in a plastic, leaky life vest.

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Rom.

http://instagram.com/p/fLDM6dM1wF/

Just trying out this copy-paste thing...

Working

Working to escape
Escape sadness, heartache, pain
Almost don't feel it

Tweet

Why must i  complicate my brain so much about something that to my heart is so simple?? #nobrainer #heartknowledge

Lyrics to run by...

Oh how He loves us....

Always..
I look unto the hills..
My God will always save me

(Uh oh, shady figure comin round the bend...got my roundhouse/muay thai shove kick ready..fists tight, fingers ready to gouge eyeballs...whew! False alarm...not really a song but...)

Holy holy holy You are holy...

Open the floodgates of heaven
Let it rain, let it rain

I feel the rains of Your love
I feel the winds of Your Spirit....

Let it rain..
Open up, open up........

I need You, Lord.

We wanna see You, show us your glory

You are peace, you are peace
When my fear is crippling....

I:m running to Your arms...

Nothing compares...

My heart will sing
No other name
Jesus, jesus

Sweatdrops ony keypad...
Running into a tree
Multi-tasking run & write...

Just wanna stay in these woods
Forever with You Lord.
World, traffic go away.

Beautiful Savior.

Words. Haiku.

Swept out some more words.
Tidied up the heart. A bit.
Scratching the surface.

30 days to live

 

If I had just 30 days to live...

I would have to solve a dichotomy in a super-fast mode of action: How to pursue the passions of my heart, not holding back, leaving no regrets... and yet... being true and honest and faithful and good to those I love and who have loved me and served as my family while on this earth.

How to do this? Must unlock the secrets of my heart, spill out both its goodness and its ugliness, pray for acceptance and understanding from others, commit to still love and care for those special people, those I consider my brothers and sisters, my own flesh and blood. To seek the best for them. And then still be true to my own heart and go after those good things that stir up a sense of heaven on earth inside of me.

Then I can die in peace.

 

 

 

 

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