Sights along the journey (trailer)

When embarking upon a journey in life, here's a few things to remember...
First, don't forget to stretch. First one side...

...then the other.

Of course that means stretch your mind, as well. You can do a lot more than you think you can. Widen your possibilities. Walk right up to the edge of your comfort zone and...

oh wait, be sure to look before you leap, if you can...

why did this river dry up, when we've been given so much rain? Watch out for water-stealers, things in life that leave you dry, thirsting for more.

And if you do leap into a dark, scary place...well, to be honest, my first thoughts upon entering this dark secluded area of the woods were not big brave spiritual thoughts...they were more like, ok, I am reeeeeeaaally glad I've been taking Body Combat and boxing classes for the past few months, for if I should suddenly encounter an Attacker in these woods, I know just what I would do: start with a few speed jabs to push him back, wind up and smack him in the nose, then the gut, POW! POW! followed by a knee in the gut as well, add a roundhouse kick to knock him down, finish his descent with some mad-insane muay thai street brawler punches, let's see, what am I forgetting...ok, once he's down I jump on his chest and let out all my fury in some powerful right and left hook blows to both sides of his head, AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!.....then jump up, brush myself off, and skip away, whistling "zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-day, my oh my what a wonderful day..."

After doing battle, whether in the flesh or in the spirt, you need to give yourself time to rest. Come away to a quiet place and rest your soul.

Find a perfect tree to make friends with for awhile.

Finally, don't forget to look back and see how far you've come. The journey may not be over, you may not be where you need to be, but thank God you're not where you used to be.

oh just one more thing..

Don't neglect the child inside of you.. have a little fun! (check it out...)

http://7sec.co/v/2tUM

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traffic cops & weinerschnitzel

Recently I was asked to answer a few questions about the word "power". yes, power. ok. Like....what is your definition of power? who have you known who was/is powerful? what power have you lost or given up over the years? what can you have power over now? what steps will you take to get it and keep it?

My first reaction was to ask the asker to rephrase that question, isn't "power" a word reserved for talk about God, or superheroes, or powerful world leaders, political figures? Maybe just "control" would be better...
But ok. I'll roll with it. My definition of power: the ability to make change occur, to have a strong influence over others.
Jump down a few questions... these days, I exert power over my body by working out frequently in order to increase my physical strength and overall health benefits. I can control that area of my life, so it helps me feel more powerful. in all areas.
Same with writing. Expressing myself through the written word is a huge source of power for me. Using my voice. Learning to sort out the life inside of me by putting it down on paper or the screen. power.
And power in relationships...

well, let's just say that on a one-way street, I like to be the traffic cop; NO ONE gets past me unless I say so.
Realizing my potential for personal power, as it's coming to light during this journey, thanks to this kind of thinking and articulating it into words I can spit out and look at, is helping me differentiate between being assertive and being aggressive. At first, feeling aggressive was a reaction to frustration and pent-up emotion. Where it can't be let it out, it can become passive-aggression, acting out in secret but deviant ways. (you know, like unscrewing the salt shaker a bit so the next person dumps a whole load of salt on their food while you sit there pretending to be innocent!) But being assertive means knowing my truth, using my voice calmly but firmly, stating my preferences. I may like this, but not that. This warms my heart, but that, quite frankly, no offense, but it just...does...not. Never has.
It's like weinerschnitzel. Suppose a German friend wants to treat you to dinner at a German restaurant. You're not crazy about weinerschnitzel and saurkraut, but you go and eat, just to be nice, and when prepared just right, the dish may not be all that bad, even slightly tasty, in a quirky way. But definitely not something you want to eat every day. or even more than once a year. So the next time your German friend asks to go there again, you politely but firmly say NO, you'd rather not. that simple.

And while we're speaking of power over words, I couldn't help but bring up some of my favorite lyrics from a favorite song again, as I put it to music on my first try at a GarageBand app music recording. (yeah, that's me & my guitar in the background, behind all the echo-y effects and layers of percussion..) I'm just learning to play with this very cool app, so this is very amateur; I'll be working on these some more in the future.. so here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DjNp5kuvJg
(hope that link works for ya..it's a very short snippet, and in case you can't hear what i'm saying..


"2 am and I'm still awake writing this song, if I get it all down on paper it's no longer
Inside of me, threatnin' the life it belongs to..."


love it. love words. don't love weinerschnitzel.
Guten nacht!!!

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choose your suffering

I almost chose not to blog today. To take revenge on that happy internet cloud in the sky, as if it has anything to do with the darkness in my heart. Just didn't feel inspired. Like my muse has spread its wings and flown up, up, up into the sky. gone. But as I settled into my Body Pump class, and stood at the back of the room, staring at the rack of weights staring back at me, I remembered that discipline means working at something even when you don't feel like it. And that getting these words onto this blank screen is like facing that rack of weights and deciding, how do i like my suffering? Do I choose to be a pansy and not even use any weights on my bar? Stick with the same weights I've been using thus far, since I'm fairly comfortable in that place now? Or do I reach out for the heavier weights today, even if I don't feel a stinkin bit like doing it at all. And so I also choose to develop my writing muscles, but more than that, to get these words out of me. Like if I can just put a shape and a form to this expression of...whatever this stuff is inside me, put it into words, it can no longer control me. I have power over it when I put it into words.

To quote Anna Nalick, (her song Breathe): "If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatnin' the life it belongs to...."

Not many areas in my life where I feel like I have any power, so here's where I"ll choose my suffering.

Suffering through the journey, that is. I'm not in this for a big happy party with cake and balloons at the end. No big rah rah rah, no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. no celebration. am i just a glutton for pain? sometimes i think maybe i am. but no. what prods me on this lonely journey is just to stand in that place of peace. freedom. wholeheartedness. no pretending. Definitely not a journey I ever looked forward to. In fact, I avoided it for years, denied that I even needed it. and sometimes it feels like crap.

As I heft my bar up, over my head and rest it on my shoulders for the squats & lunges track, this position reminds me of how Jesus must've felt as he carried that heavy cross on his back. But not just a few neatly balanced, shiny weights in a gym for Him. Nope. He had the weight of the world's sin as his burden. And did He choose to take off a few weights, make the burden lighter? He could've. Just changed his story a little bit, and he'd get out of it. But He did not. He chose his suffering. " Like a lamb that is led to slaughter, And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, So He did not open His mouth. " Isaiah 53:7

Body Flow class. Summertime Sadness is the song that gets me. just that line. what happens when summer is over. write a new song, i guess.

 

there. it's out of me.

 

"cause these words are my diary screamin' out loud

and i know that you'll use them, however you want to..."

(Anna Nalick)

 

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addendum

ok, I know that after the beginning of my last post, I left some of you hanging there, really disappointed that I didn't rattle off more synonyms for the word vomit. So, for your dining pleasure, and with a little help from thesaurus.com, here's a more complete list:

vomit, cascade, plunge, eject, emit, belch, bring up, expel, gag, hurl, puke, retch, ruminate, gush, upchuck, disgorge, tumble, hem, spill, hawk, whoop, expectorate, bark.

you're welcome. :-D

 

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Dancing heart

 

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance." ~ Bette Midler

I've always known that I was a dancer....

and i will update this later... i just got done bingeing on a boatload of awesome art & dance quotes, am feeling that line between nausea & ecstasy from this overload and will soon be needing to regurgitate, blow chunks, heave, ralph, spew....oh, sorry, got carried away, see, my kids are both sick with a virus so I've got vomit on the brain... ahem. I will soon need to share these wonderful quotes with you. thank you. later.

ok, maybe just a few spit-ups:

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying." -Nietzschke

"It takes an athlete to dance, but an artist to be a dancer." -(unknown)

"Dancers are the athletes of God." -Albert Einstein

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music." -Nietzsche

So I've always known I was a dancer. Unfortunately we couldn't afford formal dance training when I was a kid, so it wasn't until I went to college that I really began to chisel my already formed block of stone into a dancer. The artist-dancer was already inside, but the athlete-dancer had yet to be created. Dance became more than the consumer of my time and finances; it became an obsession. Spent most my classroom hours in the campus dance studio, while keeping my education major just to please the parents, keep up the "practical" side.. Dreamed of it, read the biographies of all the great modern dance pioneers like Martha Graham, Isadora Duncan, Twyla Tharpe, Alvin Ailey. Auditioned and performed a little in college theater, finally graduated....after 6-and-a-half-years. Had to face the fact that starting dance so late meant little chance of a performing career but still opportunities in dance education. Taught at a few dance studios, ballet, jazz, ballroom, modern,...then for a few years full-time in the public schools. My real dance passion was fulfilled when I found a dance ministry at my church, where my love for dance combined with my spiritual passion. Dancing with the group was very satisfying, but the real highlight came when my pastor's wife asked me to choreograph and dance a solo at their youth camp! It was to a song by Nicole Nordman, I think, forget which one, maybe it was someone else? Anyway, I really poured my heart into that piece, made it my own, and felt so much love and freedom performing it that night. Loved the response of all the sweet little girls at the camp. Could've stuffed them into my duffel bag and started a dance school with them all. What really threw me for a loop was when one of the musicians of the worship team told me afterwards, that my dance brought tears to his eyes. whoa, didn't know how to respond to that, so i laughed it off, sort of rude, i know. But that's what dance or any kind of art is supposed to do. Draw out the tears, make your heart vulnerable to breaking. I miss that. I need to find my niche in art again, so I can keep on breaking my heart in a socially acceptable form. That's why I love the quote at the top of this page by Bette Midler:

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance."

Gotta keep dancing.

and that's my hiccup for now... :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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secret place

 

 I acknowledge you here, Lord

 in the quiet place

 where no one can see

 where no one can hear

 here i am free

 free to worship

 free to bow down

 free to weep

 free to love

 free to be me

 free to be Yours

 in our secret place

 here i am, Jesus.

hazy haiku

 

                 

              

                                                                            

   

                                              My hazy boundaries (similar to popular song title, but cleaner lyrics)

              between truth and peace                 

    

                                                                            

      divides freedom and safety

  

                                                                               

               kindness/honesty

Why am i here?

#suddenlynervous

That was then.....(publish failed)...This is now: i did it!!!More later..... :-D

How quickly later becomes now, and soon later will be earlier. deep thought. ok here goes...

So the title of this blog is why am i here? i am no longer asking that question, but am here to answer it for you. I was there to get my booty kicked, and kicked it was. Hands aching too. But I'm thankful for getting out of that car, swallowing my nerves and walking in that door, took my 3rd boxing class so far. Which means a third helping of humble pie. I love Body Combat, its aerobic and muscular benefits are huge, but this technique, punching it out on a real 150-lb. bag, is pretty new to me and really knocks me out of my comfort zone.

I like this teacher, though. My first time with her. She's a mom, too, about my age, so even though she's tough, she's got a touch of motherly-ness about her. She even brought her kid to class, he's 12. He's also just learning to wrap his hands, like me. He has his own personal trainer already.. According to "Mom", this trainer's motto is, "It's not a good day until you punch someone in the face." yikes! I"m not sending my daughter to this kid's middle school...ok so here's the class:

Warm-up with jump ropes, then we glove up and do a timed sequence on the bags, warming up the shoulders. Interval training is next. 5 minutes boxing, then 5 minutes training with kettle balls and medicine balls. "Maximum reps in the least amount of time", something like that. So if you get done early, your reward is a few seconds to rest. Stuff like burpees with a kettle ball lift at the end, frog-jumps while holding the medicine ball, a plethora of push-ups, and my favorite- holding the med ball overhead and SLAMMING it down on the floor as hard as i can, like smashing a pumpkin. What's super cool is, mine has a small leak in it, so the harder i throw it down, the more dust comes puffing out! fun! (simple minds are easily entertained!)

oh- must include snarky comments about other fighters, as is my custom...(snark,snark...) So there's this guy in there, he's actually a very good fighter and the instructor tells me later on to really watch him and learn from his form, but he's got this hilarious beard- it looks like this:

Like a long goatee with a rubberband half down its length, like a turnip someone just yanked out of the dirt. Plus he wears a mouthguard, which just adds to the overall silliness. I nickname him Weirdo-Beardo. Halfway through the class he loses his shoes & socks & works out barefoot; looks fun, but for now i'm just glad to be a safe distance from those smelly feet.

ok got that snarkiness out of me, let's move on...I'm definitely not one to critique others here. Hitting these bags correctly to avoid injury is a full-time job for me, and maybe I'm taking myself too seriously, because when Ms. Chopp (seriously! that's her last name! chop-chopp!!) comes by during a fighting sequence and mimics my flailing arms in an effort to show me what NOT to do, I guess i take it too personally and let out a mid-swing, sarcastic "thanks" at her. She's nice and jumps right in with good advice on my getting closer to the bag, practically hugging it, and using my CORE to hit, not so much my shoulders. So much to learn. And yeah, i know, I can be a Prideful Priscilla at times, lashing out when ridiculed. Guess its my crazy childhood creeping in,always the lowest one on the teasing totem pole.

Music: she's got great taste in fighting tunes. My favorite so far is Aerosmith's "Dude looks like a Lady!" How could you not love punching a bag to that song?? I'm also loving "Juke Box Hero" by Foreigner and "Pump it! (Louder!!)" by the Black Eyed Peas.

My favorite sequence- moving around the room, bag to bag...jab-cross-jab,hook to head, hook to gut, then spin around to next bag and WHACK it with a strong back arm punch. I'm finally gettin' it on this one, and as if to make it up to me for picking on me earlier, the instructor rushes over to pat me on the back and says, "See! There's one move you're a NINJA at!!"

Yes!!! a Ninja!!! I'm lovin that, and use it as my mantra as i continue to jab-cross-jab-hook-hook-spin-and-WHACK my way around the room to juke box hero. Nina the Ninja, naw, how about Niffer the Ninja...(Niffer was my camp counselor nickname 2 summers in a row, long ago..) Niffer the Ninja, Niffer the Ninja, I'm chanting inside my head, just like Bill Murray taught "Rudy" to say "Woody the Wabbit, Woody the Wabbit" in that old "Meatballs" movie... (yes, that was looooong ago...)

Ms. Chopp encourages us: "You're stronger than you think! Don't let your mind win!!!"

"Use up your tank! Get strength from your partner!! We're in this together!!"

Great class. Afterwards I stick around, cooling down and stretching a bit and getting some good advice from Ms. Chopp. Like how to engage my fist muscles to protect my wimpy wrists, and then a good explanation on the difference between Taikwando & Muay Thai...a real "aha!" moment for me, and I'm thinking I'd definitely prefer the latter over the former, can really put these motherly hips to work in those full-body SHOVES of Muay Thai, it seems... She also recommends I watch Karate Kid, esp. for the quote by the kid, something about putting all the strength of your body into your fist. hmm. Think I'll look it up on Netflix, show it to my kids, maybe they'll wanna join me for this class next week. We talk women fighters, shadow boxing, and more, and then she tells us all to go check out the "Bull City Brawl" in Durham this weekend. She says she herself doesn't fight "real people", but LOVES to watch others "get the crap beat out of 'em!!!"

Woo-hoo! I'll be back, Ms. Chopp!! See ya!!

 

 

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hitchhiker, part 2

Still brewing...

zzzzz, oops, sorry, hate it when i fall asleep in public places like this...now where was i? (p.s. I actually just typed a whole page here and then lost it due this device crashing on me, i could just cry, but maybe it's a sign from God that I was sharing too much personal info and i should just pack it up and go back to bed. hmmmmm, I think the Lord is speaking...)

by the way, re: this last photo, yes, these are 2 varieties of fattening Oreo ice cream, yes, I had a big fat scoop of each of them earlier, yes, it was delicious and nope, I am not feeling a bit of guilt. earned it.

If I feel moved to re-open this can of worms again, (meaning my personal dissection, not the ice cream, I don't really eat worms now..) I'll return in the morning. later in the morning, that is.

goodnight!

 

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Caffeinated wifi hitchhiker

Caffeine still kicking in....wait for it....:-)

I'm at it again, scoring some free wi-fi at yet another coffee shop,

on the cheap with my homemade pb&j, refueling my post-workout muscle fatigue.

Workout fatigue. what I'm supposed to be talking about here. But this new groovy shop & this John Mayer on the radio is distracting me. so here goes. Body Combat. Sub filling in for Robb. It's a chick. She's wrapping her hands with some cool bright orange boxing wraps. Reminds me, I need to be practicing my hand wrap technique, in case I'm not in too much pain to go to boxing class tomorrow. we shall see.

So this new chick...she's a powerhouse of energy, knows how to fight. Not like my female boxing intstructor at the other place, man she's wicked, but good. She also sings to the songs more than Robb, like, "Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games...bring you to your..sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees,knees!!!.....you're all sexy girls, and one sexy boy!" (again, the only male is singled out, poor thing)

Her other fun comments and tips: "If you're standing in a pool of sweat, your shoes will make this nice squeak, best sound in the world!" On technique, the elbow strikes: aim for between the eyes, then down the nose." (Crack! aww, oops! what a pretty nose that was, too! oh well, you wouldn't want to smell me right now anyway) Muay Thai: "get down & dirty!!!"

Triple jabs forward - play with your opponent, tease him...

Hook - knock him out, then...

Snap-kick- Finish him off!!! hoooaaahhh!!!

Roundhouse kick w/back fist punch, BAM!

Jab-cross-hook, traveling triple jabs to the right, push him into the ropes,

"Boom, Boom, POW! What'd ya think of me now!!!"

As I get into the whole groove of things and start to flow with the fighting sequences, my mind and eyes wander, as usual, and I'm again critiquing my fellow fighters. (ok, maybe not as many fellows, but tough females...) I look for my toughest competition and analyze her form, finding the chink in her armor, her weak, soft spot...got it. It's this Asian girl next to me in the camouflage shorts & nice gloves. Obviously a weight lifter, reminds me of Lucy Liu on steroids. I'm trying not to stereotype or assume she's got some martial arts advantage just because of her eastern descendence, but not to worry. She's definitely more of a lifter than a fighter. yeah, her biceps are killer, she could pin me any day, but in the boxing ring, I think I could stop her wimpy punches and at least give her one good blast to the brain. (bring it on, Ronda Roussey!! i wish...)

Problem is, her arm comes across her face in a lazy follow-through, like she's pushing the fridge door closed, nuh-uh, girlfriend, gotta tighten that fist...if that were a real opponent at the end of that lazy swing - they'd get a gentle teddy bear nudge, gotta squeeze that fist on impact- make it explode into his skull! YAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

ok, minding my own business again.

Note to self: NEVER wear this particular shirt to Body Combat again. When soaked, dripping with sweat, I'm sorry, my weak-stomached friends, but whatever material this is made of, this thing reeks like, no kidding, like cat pee!!!! Sick! Gross! And now I gotta suffer through a whole hour of Body Flow in this stinkin thing, flowin in my stinkin zen-cloud of cat pee!!!! i know, i know, TMI....

(oh my gosh, one of the newscasters from WRAL TV-5 just walked in here in running shorts, he looks so much shorter & skinnier in real life, funny how the TV camera really makes you look 10 pounds heavier! I'm pretending not to stare...)

So my deep personal thoughts during Body Flow have now drifted out of the cat pee cloud and into a very analytical dissection of my genetic make-up, family history and spiritual renewal. But alas, where does the time go. Time to get the groceries and the kids. I"ll have to finish this later. I pinky-promise. :-)

 

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Psalm 55-and-a-half

This dark tunnel's getting scarier, Lord

Scary monster faces

around every corner

new issues,

new heartaches

slow down this ride!

what? no pause button?

I'm scared, Jesus

Lock my doors.

Keep me safe inside.

Do I really have to go there?

Like a scary roller coaster

in the dark

Can I jump out of this train?

off the rails?

Is there a reverse?

No rewind button, girl...

too much grief.

need an escape.

mental escape.

laughter, even fake

helps distract

bullets hit from every side

bleeding heart like suicide

Lord i'm dangerous

because i'm honest

yet...

"You desire truth in the inward parts".. Ps. 51:6

 

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart- these, O God, you will not despise." Ps. 51:17

"My heart is severely pained within me. And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

fearfulness and trembling have come upon me.

..horror has overwhelmed me.

And I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! For then I would fly away and be at rest. Indeed, I would

wander far off, and remain in the

wilderness."

Ps. 55:4-7

 

 

 

"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Ps.56:3-4

"You number my wanderings. Put my tears into Your bottle. Are they not in your book?"

Ps. 56:8

 

"Be merciful to me, O God,

be merciful to me;

For my soul trusts in You.

And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge.

Until these calamities have passed by."

 

Thank you, Lord, for this comfort in your word.

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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PBJ w/feng shui

Back in corner seat, near the door, PBJ from home goes well w/tall dark roast. #ready

wow. such a cheap skate here. totally taking advantage of free wi-fi. Traded in an empty starbucks bag for a free coffee, even brought my own sandwich, grapes & protein bar. shameless. if only this person 2 tables away would face the other way and stop talking to me. ugh. pretend to be busy. return, oh return oh feng shui...ooooohhhhhmmmmmmm...

ok so i've got jobs to look for today so this will be short. my deep, bottomless-cup-of-java moment of theological wisdom today came to me in Body Flow class. after an hour of my mind in dumb jock mode, just focusing on lifting that bar over my head with every guttural grunt i could muster...

i slide back into the now-dimly-lit studio, weave through the maze of stretching arms & legs everywhere, like frogger, up to where i left my mat in the front. We're doing a flowing (of course) tai chi move, and she uses the words "let the waves crash" as we slowly swish and swoop to the sides...yes, that ocean imagery, gets me every time...

"throw it all away...what are you letting go?"...."you need to LET GO....before you can REACH and GRAB HOLD of what's next". Letting go...grabbing what's next. wow. we can all go home now. that's all i need. I feel like I'm in this mental switch lately....I'm letting go of some things....yeah there's relief there...but as far as grabbing hold of what's next? nooooooooooooo!!! I scream. scared to death. I'd rather hover over this dark void of nothingness....squeeze my eyes shut....huddled down in child's pose.... child's pose....(image please?)

thank you, that's it... on my magic carpet... meaning my yoga mat which has just transformed into a magical carpet ride across the world, swirling and whooshing and soaring as i cling on for dear life, eyes still squeezed shut...afraid to see where i'm going. change. hate it. digging my heels in. so much easier to return to what's comfortable. but i can't. time marches on. i know what i know. and i know that i know that i know, which makes it even harder to be pretend i don't know to my knower. you know?

I would so love to try this, by the way, yoga on a surf board or paddle board out on the ocean. so cool. and i am so adhd it's ridiculous.

change. yuck. not much more to say. but will share a quote that came back and hit me a second time around today. It's by Brene' Brown: "The greatest vulnerability challenge: Our capacity for wholeheartedness = our willingness to be brokenhearted." ok, so i basically got it the first time, being daring enough to let your heart be totally broken after you've been completely open and honest with someone. But what whopped me across the other side of my head, was, that being totally open and vulnerable, heart wide open, can also break someone else's heart. And that in turn breaks my heart. So then I just want to take it back and it goes around and around and around and around like one of those stupid idiotic round-abouts or traffic circles where everyone is either so rude or overly friendly with their little hand gestures, "no, you go first", "no, really, you go first".

so there it is. namaste. which means, i learned today,

"my spirit honors your spirit."

oooooohhhhhhmmmmm!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

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