I almost chose not to blog today. To take revenge on that happy internet cloud in the sky, as if it has anything to do with the darkness in my heart. Just didn't feel inspired. Like my muse has spread its wings and flown up, up, up into the sky. gone. But as I settled into my Body Pump class, and stood at the back of the room, staring at the rack of weights staring back at me, I remembered that discipline means working at something even when you don't feel like it. And that getting these words onto this blank screen is like facing that rack of weights and deciding, how do i like my suffering? Do I choose to be a pansy and not even use any weights on my bar? Stick with the same weights I've been using thus far, since I'm fairly comfortable in that place now? Or do I reach out for the heavier weights today, even if I don't feel a stinkin bit like doing it at all. And so I also choose to develop my writing muscles, but more than that, to get these words out of me. Like if I can just put a shape and a form to this expression of...whatever this stuff is inside me, put it into words, it can no longer control me. I have power over it when I put it into words.
To quote Anna Nalick, (her song Breathe): "If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatnin' the life it belongs to...."
Not many areas in my life where I feel like I have any power, so here's where I"ll choose my suffering.
Suffering through the journey, that is. I'm not in this for a big happy party with cake and balloons at the end. No big rah rah rah, no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. no celebration. am i just a glutton for pain? sometimes i think maybe i am. but no. what prods me on this lonely journey is just to stand in that place of peace. freedom. wholeheartedness. no pretending. Definitely not a journey I ever looked forward to. In fact, I avoided it for years, denied that I even needed it. and sometimes it feels like crap.
As I heft my bar up, over my head and rest it on my shoulders for the squats & lunges track, this position reminds me of how Jesus must've felt as he carried that heavy cross on his back. But not just a few neatly balanced, shiny weights in a gym for Him. Nope. He had the weight of the world's sin as his burden. And did He choose to take off a few weights, make the burden lighter? He could've. Just changed his story a little bit, and he'd get out of it. But He did not. He chose his suffering. " Like a lamb that is led to slaughter, And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, So He did not open His mouth. " Isaiah 53:7
Body Flow class. Summertime Sadness is the song that gets me. just that line. what happens when summer is over. write a new song, i guess.
there. it's out of me.
"cause these words are my diary screamin' out loud
and i know that you'll use them, however you want to..."
(Anna Nalick)
Posted with Blogsy
No comments:
Post a Comment