airbus 330

Seat 15C. Airbus 330.  San Juan to Charlotte.  

quiet.  tired.  sad.  missing puerto rico already.  

last look at coconut palms.  eyes wet. take-off.  ears pop.

smooth ride, constant drone of engine, lulling me to sleep.  almost.

wet eyes.  what’s this?  why?  just tired.  soul discontent.  what’s the meaning of this?

loved the island.  turquoise waters, swaying palms, intense sunshine, happy people….

...enough to make me forget.  almost.  almost.  

back to reality.  strapping on the busyness.  facing what’s real. where do i go from here, Lord?

dealing with the issues.  actually talking about them.

trying to think thankful thoughts, to keep from being negative.

but thinking thankful thoughts just makes me cry more,

because i think of my beautiful children,

those i most want to protect from the consequences of my junk.

save me, jesus.

underwater dance studio

Hola!!! Como estas?

just poking my head in here, it's been awhile since i've gone anywhere deep lately, been splish-splashing in the shallow, turquoise waters of Rincon, Puerto Rico these past 7 days so far.  and i LOVE it here!!!!!  I'm sitting here in this terrace again, swinging in the hammock, enjoying these lush tropical breezes flowing around me, listening to the roosters and dogs next door, and every time I roll my head to the side, I see the big beautiful blue ocean behind the next set of green hills. Also hearing the tiny rustle of twigs below in the garden, where seemingly hundreds of little (and big) lizards call home.  Did I already say I love this place? I'll say it again.  I. love. this. place.  I am sad to have to return home in a couple days. Yes, there are deeper places in my heart that I am ignoring while here, places I need to return to some of my "peeps" back home in order to touch base, work on issues, etc.  But I am enjoying the shallows for now.  And just for a little more of a creative blurb, here's an unpublished post, a draft, that I've been saving awhile, not sure where it fits in, but I'll post it now just to fill up space. (actually I wrote it to put in my "secret" blog, one no one knows about, but since there's nothing really private in this, i'll post it anyway.)  Then I'll return to you, Sonar, after my trip, when I'm ready to dive deep into my thoughts again.  Now time to pack up a lunch and take the kiddos to another beach, maybe I'll rent a surfboard again and try to hang ten!

adios!

  SPLASH!!! ....swish, swish...blub, blub, blug....swish, swish.....gurgle...

knock-knock...click..CREEEEEEEEEEEAAAKKKK!!!!  

"Hello??"  (hello-hello-helloooooo...)

ahh, perfect. nobody's here.   got the whole place to myself.  time to warm up the muscles, stretch out, and dance my heart out.  in words, that is.  yes, i have found a new, private place to express myself.  it's like having an underwater dance studio.  sneak away when in need to get alone, get into that big space, in front of that big mirror, start warming up the muscles, practice my technique.  ballet or writing, take my pick. 

to be continued....  ;-)

song of the day

Most days, the lyrics of songs can best describe my mood.

Today my song came to me while washing dishes at my job. The words creeped into my subconscious, quietly at first, then resonating with my own heartbeat.  

It's an old song, a classic, not the style I would normally listen to, but the words were mine today.  Here it is, a little ditty by Simon & Garfunkel:  

"I Am A Rock"

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

I could elaborate on why this song so perfectly fits my mood today, and many days, but I will choose to refrain.  Like a rock, it's better to be silent sometimes, than to risk digging up emotions better left asleep, or risk being judged of wanting more out of life than I deserve.  oh no I said too much, i've said enough.  that's me in the corner...oops, there's another song creeping into my brain, thanks alot, R.E.M....

icky thought

Having something to say, but having someone directly or indirectly tell you not to speak those words, is like having to vomit while someone tries to shove that vomit back into your mouth.

yeah, gross. not pleasant.

feb 14

happy awkward day.

my valentine's gift to myself: time alone reading a great book.  a great book with lots of great quotes on life.  here's one:

  "Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."
                -Margaret Young

I was also reminded, on this VD, of a song performed long ago by the late Whitney Houston.  At the time I was much younger, obviously, and also a very young Christian.  The song celebrated some new ideas that weren't normally sung about in popular music, something about loving yourself, instead of the usual sappy love songs about mushy romance between a couple.   The idea of loving yourself was a bit shocking at the time, it seemed so selfish.  But now I'm realizing that it's talking about the kind of love you need to have for that real person God made you to be, the real truth behind "loving your neighbor as yourself", as you cannot love another person until you are completely whole and complete in who you are.  As a Christian I know that Jesus Christ is the completion of who I am.  He is my Alpha and  Omega.  He created me, He  redeemed me, I am His.  But it takes the course of a lifetime for us to truly live this out, through all the paths we walk down, seeing how the image of Christ is reflected in the very unique nature of our created earthly self.  So many things I'm learning in this season of my life.  And I have only just begun.  I hope to share more of that here, as I continue blogging, if I may.

So here's the song.   I do so miss Whitney Houston.  A beautiful voice.  A beautiful person.  Just trying to navigate her own life, sadly shortened as it was.

                                                      


"Greatest Love Of All"

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

[Chorus:]
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

[Chorus]

And if, by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
                                             Find your strength in love                                           

                                             
                                              


                                                                 Happy Valentines Day.

                                                                          with love,

                                                                        jennerosity


                                                      

wreck of the day

This is not what i wanted to deal with this morning.   all i wanted was to get to the gym, load up the 5-and-10 pound weights on my pole, set up my bench and follow the cues of my Body Pump instructor.  Instead i get backed-into by a confused driver who apparently decided he'd suddenly rather go to ihop and eat pancakes than the gym to do crunches.  BAM!  $1000 worth of damage. And i could've prevented it. if i'd only used my horn.  my car's voice.  I saw it coming.  Car in front of me, suddenly going into reverse in the parking lot, right towards me.  Stunned, i just sat there like a deer in the headlights.  Hoping he would realize what he was doing and stop in time.  I thought of using the horn, but as usual, I hesitated, not wanting to sound rude or hurt someone's feelings.  So I let the car back into me.  crash!  Only at the very last miili-second did I finally find the horn and give it a light, polite tap: toot!  too late.  The driver came rushing out of his vehicle, concern and remorse written all over his face, and the first thing I did was roll down my window and call out, "I'm sorry, I should've honked sooner!"  like it was my fault.  hmmm.  why does this feel hauntingly familiar.  Blaming myself for damage I think I could've prevented.  if only I'd used my horn.  or my voice.  if only i'd raised my voice and said NO a little louder.  if only I'd fought harder.  refused to let that one wound, the scar i still have today, stop me from keeping up the fight.   if only i'd risked hurting someone's feelings one time to avoid hurting them exponentially worse later on.  if only i hadn't worn that... if only i hadn't been at that...  so many if onlys.  doesn't matter anymore.  it's over.  yet the anger towards my own weakness and people-pleasing tendency burns through my veins the whole time i'm at the gym.  pumping the irons. why? running on the treadmill. why? why? why? why? why? my feet stomp out the rhythm of this unanswerable question pounding in my brain.  

i don't want to end this entry on this note. unresolved.  questioning. i'm trying to find the lesson in all this.  the happy ending.  the glory-hallelujah-i'm-saved! kind of victorious chant.  but that's not always how it works.  working through issues,  wounds, reversing bad patterns of behavior takes time.  

time. i've still got a few minutes of that stuff, just enough...

to soak my feet in a hot whirlpool,.......

...get my tootsies pampered and painted...

ahh, that's better.  baby steps. 

comfort from the psalms

from Ps. 55...
   "Give ear to my prayer, O God,
And do not hide Yourself from my supplication.
Attend to me, and hear me;
I am restless in my complaint, and moan noisily,
Because of the voice of the enemy,
Because of the oppression of the wicked;
For they bring down trouble upon me,
And in wrath they hate me.

My heart is severely pained within me,
And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me,
And horror has overwhelmed me.
So I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
Indeed, I would wander far off,
And remain in the wilderness.
I would hasten my escape
From the windy storm and tempest."

"For it is not an enemy who reproaches me;
Then I could bear it.
Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
Then I could hide from him.
But it was you, a man my equal,
My companion and my acquaintance,
We took sweet counsel together,
And walked to the house of God in the throng."

from Ps. 56:

Whenever I am afraid,
I will trust in You.
In God (I will praise His word),
In God I have put my trust;
I will not fear.
What can flesh do to me?
All day they twist my words;
All their thoughts are against me for evil.

You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?

from Ps. 62:

Truly my soul silently waits for God;
From Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be greatly moved.

My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.

& from Ps. 63:

O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You;
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.

My soul follows close behind You;
Your right hand upholds me.

from Ps. 64:

Hear my voice, O God, in my meditation;
Preserve my life from fear of the enemy.

Both the inward thought and heart of man are deep.

silence

no words.
empty spirit.
dying heart.