This is not what i wanted to deal with this morning. all i wanted was to get to the gym, load up the 5-and-10 pound weights on my pole, set up my bench and follow the cues of my Body Pump instructor. Instead i get backed-into by a confused driver who apparently decided he'd suddenly rather go to ihop and eat pancakes than the gym to do crunches. BAM! $1000 worth of damage. And i could've prevented it. if i'd only used my horn. my car's voice. I saw it coming. Car in front of me, suddenly going into reverse in the parking lot, right towards me. Stunned, i just sat there like a deer in the headlights. Hoping he would realize what he was doing and stop in time. I thought of using the horn, but as usual, I hesitated, not wanting to sound rude or hurt someone's feelings. So I let the car back into me. crash! Only at the very last miili-second did I finally find the horn and give it a light, polite tap: toot! too late. The driver came rushing out of his vehicle, concern and remorse written all over his face, and the first thing I did was roll down my window and call out, "I'm sorry, I should've honked sooner!" like it was my fault. hmmm. why does this feel hauntingly familiar. Blaming myself for damage I think I could've prevented. if only I'd used my horn. or my voice. if only i'd raised my voice and said NO a little louder. if only I'd fought harder. refused to let that one wound, the scar i still have today, stop me from keeping up the fight. if only i'd risked hurting someone's feelings one time to avoid hurting them exponentially worse later on. if only i hadn't worn that... if only i hadn't been at that... so many if onlys. doesn't matter anymore. it's over. yet the anger towards my own weakness and people-pleasing tendency burns through my veins the whole time i'm at the gym. pumping the irons. why? running on the treadmill. why? why? why? why? why? my feet stomp out the rhythm of this unanswerable question pounding in my brain.
i don't want to end this entry on this note. unresolved. questioning. i'm trying to find the lesson in all this. the happy ending. the glory-hallelujah-i'm-saved! kind of victorious chant. but that's not always how it works. working through issues, wounds, reversing bad patterns of behavior takes time.
time. i've still got a few minutes of that stuff, just enough...
to soak my feet in a hot whirlpool,.......
...get my tootsies pampered and painted...
ahh, that's better. baby steps.
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