Procrastination

I just love Pinterest. I can scroll away the hours, just savoring all that good eye candy, without having to really use my brain. Or my emotions. And right now, those two things are ready to break some circuits, so I'd rather keep them turned off. So much more fun to gaze upon...

inspiring exercise photos...

beautiful beach scenes...(ahh, nice time to escape...)

or fun clothes, kid crafts, funny quotes, recipes, etc, etc, etc. It's my alternative to cable tv, which we don't have and don't miss anyway, except for hgtv.

And that's as deep as this submarine can go tonight. I'm checking my heart at the door of the keypad. As the Bible says somewhere, "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."(Prov. 4:23)

Sometimes it is good to share one's heart in a blog, when it can bring understanding and insight to someone else, and sometimes God needs to do some work in that mess before it's ready to be shared as a testimony to God's grace. Even if it's still a work in process. And that process is something I'm going to work on with Him in just a few minutes...but first...

just a little more pinning...

(oops, photos pasted too big, that was awkward...)

 

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talking to the trees: some wet reflections

I love the woods after a rain...

 

the fresh smell of clean earth,

rain-dappled bamboo....

my image in a puddle...

and the soft cushion of mud beneath my feet.

Thanks, trees, for this lovely conversation.

I can always think better out here..

 

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Free falling

I'm slipping, falling

Just the hard ground to catch me

Jesus break my fall

 

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journaling

journaling deeper

asking myself hard questions

answers leave me raw.

**************************

figuring things out

why i am the way i am

sometimes life ain't fair

****************************

closing the book now

can't go any deeper yet

too much to swallow

 

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tighten fist upon impact (Bad Donkey Mama)

Tighten fist upon impact, yes...but do not attempt while driving. how do I know? just got done punching my transmission out of gear, had to pull over, awkward....

ok, so just a quick synopsis of my Body Combat class yesterday... (quick? hahaha..)

I walk in. Regulars are territorial, we pick our spot in the room, no one dares take that spot. I find mine, in front, good view of instructor. Then as usual, Miss Sweats-and-Smells-Profusely-Like-a-Man trots in late, skips to the front, blocks my view. grrrrr. my inner tiger starts to rumble. I glance to my left. Woman in Blue is exchanging a knowing glance with Lady in Red. I know what they're thinking: Last time after class their locker room gossip entailed how badly this poor woman smells, and how it almost made Ms. Blue sick during the muay thai elbow strikes. I hate to get involved in gossip, and I also wouldn't like to get on Ms. Profusely-Smells bad side if she ever caught wind of the gossip (no pun intended, wind, get it?) as she looks pretty tough, even with her arms down!

ok, moving on... Warm-Up: Mr. Rob announces that he is volunteering to do a free combat training class this Sunday at 2 pm, just to focus on techniques of the different forms of combat. sounds fun. Guess I'll have to limit my consumption of chicken wings at Sunday dinner, or muay thai will become muy grosso puke-fest!

Funny to be doing punches to the remix version of "call me maybe".

"Where do ya think you're going, baby?" Rob challenges us, "To the front! Knock me down!" All 25 of us Mad Cary Moms gallop to the front, jab, cross, jab, double-time jab, upper-cut, gallop back, repeat.

"Hey, no fair! that's 25 against one!"

I'm enjoying this today. Have a real opponent in mind. Feelin' fierce.

"On the point of impact, squeeze your fist! BAM!!!" oh yeah, i'm likin' this...

Capoeira track. Get into the flow of ginga movement, ginga kick..then that move, I think it's a double-leg takedown, we lunge & swoop arms down, grab opponent's leg & jerk it up, repeat. (hearing skulls cracking on the floor) Later watched some videos of Capoeira, I think I'd really love doing this, especially with my modern dance background, love the whole flow thing goin' on...

Karate vs. Taikwondo: chop-" use that fleshy part of the hand, the part that got pencil lead all over it as a kid at school".. Cross Guard- "Guard that baby make-up!!", back and front snap kicks, "Really SHOVE!!!"

"Class split in half, face your opponent." I pity the poor woman who's facing me. Don't mean to brag or belittle, but she looks like she forgot to eat her Wheaties this morning.

"Mad Cary Moms, what's my favorite word?" We all respond: "HOOOOOOAAAHHHH!!!!!"

We gallop & jab, hook, uppercut...Rob cracks jokes, I crack up. ("Quit it, you idiot!! I'm losing my concentration here!!!")

Halfway through I refill my water bottle, red-faced and drenched already.

Muay Thai, a killer as usual. Shoulder crunch, swing, lawn mower move. (don't know the real word for it) My opponent is DOWN, & yet I keep on smacking his face with my fist. I have no mercy.

Final boxing segment: Rap song has lyrics about Jeffrey Dahmer in it. nice...

"'Long arms, no half-punches!!"

Last song: "I usually like to end with an angry song, but this one is a happy song. But you know what, Mad Cary Moms? If the song is happy, you just bring your own angry Bad (donkey) to class with you! Or if you come to class NOT a bad (donkey), we'll turn you into one!!!!"

yes, he will.

Stats: 60 minutes blood, sweat and tears

32 oz. water chugged between sets

1700 punches thrown (is that right? Rob says so...)

This has been a pleasure.

Hooooaaaahhh!!!

 

 

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Tunneling through

Throughout this process, I am finding out what I need in my life. My emotional/relational needs. It may take time, but I am willing to put forth the effort to eventually get those things in place so I may enjoy the rest of my life in peace, love and unrestrained joy. no more masks.

Like I said, it may take some time. There may be times of darkness,

 

of pain, of confusion. But I will press on, knowing there is a light

at the end of the tunnel. When I reach that light, this internal focus I've had can transition to an outward one again. A focus on the dreams, gifts and passions God has placed in my heart and how He wants to use me in the lives of others. To pursue ministry, personal goals and dreams. To write more creatively.

God uses these times of brokenness to purify us so we can minister to others

from a place of wholeness and understanding. Yet before He can do that work through us, we have to allow Him to do a work IN us!

I thank God for the "trigger" that started this whole process. This whole "funk" I've been in.

God's timing is weird sometimes, His ways definitely mysterious. But He is faithful, and good.

All the time.

Now. Time for that Body Combat class.

Part of my therapy, that kicking and punching.

Yup, I am getting stronger.

So let's go kick some...(donkey?) :)

(sorry, I know, I'm a bit rough around the edges..God help me..!!) :)

 

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Seasons Change.

Enjoying my iced cafe mocha. Wishing I could just sit and chat about pleasantries. But that was a different season. This is now. And why do I choose to blog about this kind of junk? Wouldn't it be just as beneficial to keep my personal journal and keep it personal, to rid myself of these thoughts in private? well I do. But there's a part of me that still has a silent prayer that there's someone out there who can relate to some of this. I know from my stats that I even have some readers in Eastern Europe. wild. If even ONE person out there is occasionally nodding their head, thinking "yeah, I know how that feels", then I feel my blog has a purpose. How I wish I could've grown up in the era of the internet, when I could just go online and google blogs about this or that, find someone halfway around the world who's experienced some of the same things I have, instead of just living my life thinking I was the only one.. that would've been great.

ok I can't procrastinate any longer. My real purpose for writing today is to say.... crying sucks.

yes, it does. I will do anything I can to avoid it. Make a joke. Act silly. Act tough. Ignore someone. Ignore my feelings. Change the subject. Walk out of the room. Go for a run. get busy. write a longer to-do list. oh there's a million things I can do to avoid it.

Crying makes a person look weak. Helpless. Vulnerable. Like a hurt animal in the wild, they are the ones the predators will prey upon. I'm not going there again.

So when I'm given an assignment on forgiveness, that involves going back and reliving memories, to write an un-sendable letter to someone who hurt me, to tell them what I want them to experience as punishment for what they did to me, and then to choose to forgive them anyway. ouch. I don't wanna go there, Lord. I'd rather put on a happy face, say "it's ok, I've already forgiven that..." and know that it's a big fat lie.

What would it look like if we could forgive those people who hurt us in our past? What if we really could face them again, be honest with them, and then pray for them? What if our prayers were answered and they were saved from the fires of hell? Would we rejoice for them, or be like Jonah, and wish God had destroyed the evil Ninevites anyway? oh it sounds so spiritual to say we can forgive our enemies. What about telling them how they impacted years of our life? Tell them exactly how it forever changed the way you felt, thought, and acted in relationships? Forgiveness. It's bigger and deeper than it looks. Deeper than this cafe mocha.

And deeper than I have time for today. I'd rather sit here and enjoy people-watching. Realizing that behind that fashionable woman's cool black dress and sky-high heels is a person who just might have feelings like mine. hurts. unresolved junk, dreams still on hold. By the shape of those calves, she may work-out to get those demons out, to get that enviable figure. But how in the world does she walk across the parking lot in those heels? ahh, but i digress. much easier to dissect other people's lives than your own.

sorry for the ramble. i'm done

 

 

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doodling in class

I still doodle in class...

...sometimes because I'm bored or distracted....

but especially if I'm anxious.

I learned some new things in my "class" tonight...

Like the different parts of the brain. There's the frontal lobe. The analytical side, good for working out math problems. And then there's the limbic system, that back portion of the brain which is primarily responsible for our emotional life, motivations, and memories. Here's an exercise that uses both parts of the brain: "Write what it feels like physically when you are feeling shame." The writing part takes the frontal lobe, but the limbic system is needed to recall what it feels like when you are feeling unworthy or shamed. Perhaps that feeling creates some kind of "flight-fright-or freeze" response.

Another thing I learned, I'm not much of a crier. well, I sorta knew that already. But hadn't applied that thought much to my situations in life. Just figured that was how I was wired. Sad movies, not a tear. Weddings, nope, not even my own. Dry-eyed all day. I think I have learned the ability to turn off those emotions like a faucet. And keep them locked up tight. No feelings, no pain. Learned that skill many years ago, back when....wow.

ok that explains some things.

thanks for listening. time's up. here's my credit card.

 

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absent during worship

 

       Left my body during worship today

     became a pure white dove

     flying over the ocean

     like the one Noah sent out

     over the waters after the flood

     not needing to land

     but kept up by the wind

     of God's spirit

     arms/wings outstretched

     warmed by tropical sun

     soaring

     free, totally free,

     yet worshipping

     praising Jesus unhindered

     released and

        free....

 

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notes from class

(sorry, same photo, I really need to take some photos of my own during class, just feel a little weird about it..)

 

It's Thursday!!! Put up your dukes! It's fightin' time!

oh yes, I really kicked it, (literally) in Body Combat class this morning. Had more energy this time, and gave it all. Forget the old adage, "horses sweat, men perspire, women glow." hah! This girl was sweatin' like a pig! So here's a few things that remained in my brain after class was over... I can't catch everything Mr. Rob says in class cuz the hard-slammin', war zone-type music is so dang loud in there, but here's a few tidbits:

On the boxing warm-up: "double hooks, get your opponent's head, between the temple and the jaw". oh yeah!

Love it when he uses imagery: "You're locked in a steel cage with your opponent. The crowd waits to see who comes out...with their teeth remaining." ooh, makes me wish I had a mouthguard right about now...

Learned a neat karate combo: "double chop", "cross guard" ("guard your groin", he says, then adds a hilarious comment I won't mention here!) then back snap kick, front snap kick. "make sure you don't see your foot in the mirror on the back kick, kick straight back". Did this combo over, and over, and over...

Divided the class in half, both halves facing each other during boxing section. Fun to imagine actually punching that Mad Cary Mom facing me! haha, just kidding...

Thermostat was out of order, was seriously HOT in that room, so he had to cut one track to allow more time to cool-down. "Let's take a vote, we'll keep either the boxing track or the muay thai, with 7-and-a-half minutes of Thai strikes.." Muay thai won. Good. My arms needed it. Feelin' it now..

Mat time, push-ups with one-handed shoulder taps, mountain-climbers, ab work, cool-down stretch.

Felt so good I stayed for the following Body Flow class, well, at least until the yoga poses that knocked me on my bottom and I could hardly get back up again.

Now: arms on fire, hope I can lift a fork to eat lunch. Abs screaming. But I like this tough feeling. Like if any problem comes my way today, I will go down swinging!

Hoooah!!!

 

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thoughts on the run

 

oops, did it again

have a knack for this lately

truth cuts like a knife

hot phone, empty heart

exhausting conversation

nothing left to say

*******************************

how many more ways

how many analogies

running out of words

 

really need this run

I could run all day & night

thoughts on overdrive

Lord I need that place

where I can hide in Your love

and never come out.

 

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Craft Project

This week I had the joy of making a little craft project for a sort of "class" I'm taking. It involved cutting out words and images from magazines and pasting them to the sides of a little cardboard box, with the theme of sharing 2 types of things about ourselves: 1- the things that we want other people to think about us, or that we perceive others think about us, these things were on the outside of the box, and then 2- the things that we do NOT want people to know about us, those secret things that we feel ashamed of, these things we put in the inside of the box where no one can see them, unless we choose to share it with them. One note of clarification, it is important to remember that shame is defined as feeling bad about who we are, unlike guilt, which is feeling bad for our behaviors. That said, I will now share the OUTSIDE of my completed box...

 

Side One- my interests & passions: exercise,

travel, the outdoors, the ocean, watersports, dance, among others. These were just the ones I was able to find pictures and words to illustrate.

 

Side Two- my mommy side. My kids, being a family, is huge to me. My heart is all about my two little sweeties, yet parenting is also an area where we can try so hard to maintain an image of being a perfect mom when really we're constantly berating ourselves for not being better at it. Comparing ourselves to other moms. Judging other moms on their different parenting styles or commitments. it is what it is.

 

Third side- my easy-going, friendly, silly side. The side that wants to put on a good face, be happy, please others, have a good time. Never want to rock the boat, want to keep everyone happy.

 

4th side- spiritual side. Of course my relationship with Jesus Christ is deeply personal and the most important thing in my life, yet I hope I'm not alone in saying it sometimes becomes an area where I have to put in some effort to maintain that image, as well. Put on the ol' "church face" every Sunday morning, no matter what kind of fights our family had on the way to church. But fortunately I"m in a good place, a good church where people can be themselves, and my desire to bear good "fruit" can be motivated more by my love for Christ than what others think of me.

 

5th side- the bottom of the box, my domestic side, or shall I say, my lack thereof!! That's why I chose to put it on the bottom side, where it's not totally hidden, yet it's not as visible. I am simply not gifted with a passion for housecleaning, and it shows!! I may not be the next subject on the show "Hoarders", but I seriously need to do some de-cluttering; it's embarrassing! What's most embarrassing is when I sometimes wonder if people are judging the inside of me as being as cluttered and untidy as my home environment, ouch!!

 

That brings us to the lid of the box, which is tightly closed and bears these words: don't look in this box. secret.

 

And here's the inside of the lid. Inside the box itself, I have some words which describe aspects of me that I don't readily share with others. We all have those areas. What causes us to feel so horrible about them is when we have been shamed by someone else in our past about them, or by what our culture dictates of how we should be, or our own inner critics that tell us we're bad because of them. No one is immune from the feeling of shame, yet we can all learn to develop shame resilience. But that's another blog post, another day. or not.

thanks for letting me share my little project with you. it was fun.

 

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Yoga poses

Ok, i decided i needed to be more authentic, show some proof that i can sort of do these yoga poses. Still a work in progress, yes, that's me cheating a little, one toe touching the floor, don't judge me now.....:)

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Body Flow

Looky what I can do!!! Today in Body Flow class, I think I mastered these 2 cool yoga moves:

The bird pose.... (sorry for these weird photos I found online, I couldn't quite hold my camera in class and take a picture of myself while doing these!!!)

 

and the Bird in Flight pose!!

Of course there were several times when I fell on my bum and had a good laugh with those around me, too.

 

This tai chi, yoga and pilates class does so much for the body, but even more for my mind, soul and spirit.

Just a couple haikus I came up with during the final 5 minutes of rest/ meditation time:

Meditation

my soul is speaking

Quiet - it wants to be heard

beautiful silence

as we lie in peace

the quiet before the storm

a single tear falls

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