Seasons Change.

Enjoying my iced cafe mocha. Wishing I could just sit and chat about pleasantries. But that was a different season. This is now. And why do I choose to blog about this kind of junk? Wouldn't it be just as beneficial to keep my personal journal and keep it personal, to rid myself of these thoughts in private? well I do. But there's a part of me that still has a silent prayer that there's someone out there who can relate to some of this. I know from my stats that I even have some readers in Eastern Europe. wild. If even ONE person out there is occasionally nodding their head, thinking "yeah, I know how that feels", then I feel my blog has a purpose. How I wish I could've grown up in the era of the internet, when I could just go online and google blogs about this or that, find someone halfway around the world who's experienced some of the same things I have, instead of just living my life thinking I was the only one.. that would've been great.

ok I can't procrastinate any longer. My real purpose for writing today is to say.... crying sucks.

yes, it does. I will do anything I can to avoid it. Make a joke. Act silly. Act tough. Ignore someone. Ignore my feelings. Change the subject. Walk out of the room. Go for a run. get busy. write a longer to-do list. oh there's a million things I can do to avoid it.

Crying makes a person look weak. Helpless. Vulnerable. Like a hurt animal in the wild, they are the ones the predators will prey upon. I'm not going there again.

So when I'm given an assignment on forgiveness, that involves going back and reliving memories, to write an un-sendable letter to someone who hurt me, to tell them what I want them to experience as punishment for what they did to me, and then to choose to forgive them anyway. ouch. I don't wanna go there, Lord. I'd rather put on a happy face, say "it's ok, I've already forgiven that..." and know that it's a big fat lie.

What would it look like if we could forgive those people who hurt us in our past? What if we really could face them again, be honest with them, and then pray for them? What if our prayers were answered and they were saved from the fires of hell? Would we rejoice for them, or be like Jonah, and wish God had destroyed the evil Ninevites anyway? oh it sounds so spiritual to say we can forgive our enemies. What about telling them how they impacted years of our life? Tell them exactly how it forever changed the way you felt, thought, and acted in relationships? Forgiveness. It's bigger and deeper than it looks. Deeper than this cafe mocha.

And deeper than I have time for today. I'd rather sit here and enjoy people-watching. Realizing that behind that fashionable woman's cool black dress and sky-high heels is a person who just might have feelings like mine. hurts. unresolved junk, dreams still on hold. By the shape of those calves, she may work-out to get those demons out, to get that enviable figure. But how in the world does she walk across the parking lot in those heels? ahh, but i digress. much easier to dissect other people's lives than your own.

sorry for the ramble. i'm done

 

 

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