Jennerosity Sonar: Love & Rage

(my blogging obsession has come to this: In a lack for paper and an abundance of inspiration- on the road- I resort to scrawled notes on old napkins.)

Love. Rage. Previously planned as 2 separate posts, one a continuation of my last brain-spill on agape love, and another on today's body combat class, but since my multi-tasking brain is always throwing all my thoughts together anyway, why not confuse all the non-ADHD people out there by combining the two! hah! Besides, trying to recall all the interesting little tidbits from that class is such an ADHD experience anyway, zeroing in on all the millions of sound-bytes still pounding in my head after such an enjoyable 60 minutes of pure frenzied RAGE!

ok, don't get me wrong. It already felt weird to post the above quote by Mary Shelley, from Frankenstein. I mean, what will the world think? I'd actually prefer to call it a "righteous anger". Like Jesus. But that's another blog post for another time.

Rage in Body Combat class. here we go:

I walk in late, as I sometimes do, and struggle to find my favorite spot on the floor, strategically dancing around the other Mad Cary Moms to avoid getting roundhouse-kicked as I fight for my perfect view of the instructor as well as a clear reflection of my beastly self in the big front mirror. He sees me and says over his mike, "hey, I was looking for you this morning!" to which I respond with a chugging-down-a-drink motion. What that meant was, I've recently started seeing him coming into my Starbucks where I work, on the Thursday mornings when I cannot attend class due to this job, and happily, today was a day I had off! He usually orders 2 venti blonde roast coffees, for him and his male partner. Hopefully the other MCM's didn't think I was referring to another type of drinking. but anyway...

Today he's dressed like either a Pirate or a Gladiator or something fighter-ish, and he's done a nice job on the eyeliner. Looks like a very pretty girl. This is Halloween, of course, and some other fighters in class have dressed up, too. He also chose some good fun songs to work out to, as well. Like Pirates of the Carribean, where we do our sword dance and stab: "Gurgle!!!" he screams as we all plunge our swords into our imaginary opponent's gut. oh, and the fun new move we do during this one is the Kung Fu Claw! I love it!! He also tells us, once again, to imagine those 5 opponents on every side of us. hmmm, are they the same 5 I had a few months ago when we did this track? Let me think...

We also do a dance version of the Cranberries' Zombie song, which I love and even blogged about once, love those lyrics.."in your head, in your head..."

Boxing..."beat the sand out of that bag!!!" Reminds me, I need to get back to my boxing gym again soon, too.

Muay Thai..from the best song in the world for that- "Speed", that wonderfully thrashing speed metal song by...i forget. oh-atari teenage riot. strange lyrics, but it's an awesome song for this, and I'm so glad only this mirror sees the face of RAGE that comes out when I'm fighting like this. Which brings us back to that topic of this blog. Is it just me, or do we all have this hidden RAGE inside of us, ready to let loose and ATTACK when pushed too far? When we've taken enough, played the polite people-pleaser for way too long. And since it's Halloween, or the day after, what is it that fascinates us about these dark sides? Like Michael Jackson wrote in the last line of Thriller...."For no mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller". well, we don't need to go there. I'm not a dark person. just curious.

Robb gives us a proverb: "A good downward elbow strike will SHATTER the cheekbone, BREAK the nose and CRACK the browbone."

And on the brawler punches: "Your opponent is on the ground, begging for mercy. Grab him by the hair, turn his face up, look into his eyes...and..." (you can imagine what comes next!)

Observation: on the flying elbow strikes, we are jumping high...and I notice that I'm flying a little higher than usual..seems my recent unintentional liquid diet of only frappucino leftovers slammed down when no one's looking while on the job has caused me to lose a few pounds. Makes jumping high even more fun, and slashing my opponent with a sharp elbow even more satisfying!!

So a few quick words on the opposite topic. love. Revisiting my previous post on Agape. Walking back over the rubble. Smoke still rising, smell of napalm...from the explosion of the heart that bared my soul, sending shreds of raw emotion and secret desires all over the place....(ok, maybe that's a little too dramatic).. limping and staggering from the vulnerability hangover.

Why do I do this? Who do I think I am, some self-absorbed celebrity who bleeds her inmost secrets on her Twitter account for her fans to suck up and pass on the juicy gossip? No, I know I couldn't aspire to that stinky sense of stardom even if I wanted to.

Instead- this writing thing gives me a sense of clarity. Writing for a perceived audience keeps me on my toes- (or pen-tips!) Just like employees have been proven to work harder and better when they think they're being watched..i am more motivated to really dig in and sort out my thoughts, define them, make sense of them, in order to communicate them clearly to the reader. (real or imagined).

And where does this most recent heart-explosion leave me? Besides sickly nauseous from the forementioned vulnerability hangover... I am further convinced, that to discover this Agape-phileo-eros distinction is a big milestone in my journey. I like the part of the quote on Eros that says, "Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself." So therefore, if I am unable to obtain relational eros in this lifetime, I can continue to open my heart and flood the space around me with my art, whether it be my writing, or dance, choreography, painting, music, or whatever my creative muse produces in any particular season. In art, I can indulge my fantasy, my longings, my escapism, my fury, my passion, my euphorias and my griefs, in a safe place.

I love this quote by Twyla Tharp, famous choreographer: "Art is the only way to run away without leaving home."