"Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity." 1 Cor. 8:2
I first came up with the screen name "jennerosity" over 7 years ago. I was pregnant with my second child, had gotten comfortable being a stay-at-home mom and had just discovered etsy.com, the handmade marketplace which would soon become my next venue for my handmade jewelry and other random creations. I liked the term because it combined my family name, jenner, which I've been called since birth by family and people in my closest circles, along with the idea of sharing something. Not giving grudgingly or out of obligation, but the kind of giving that comes out of a heart overflowing with joy. I was thankful for the gifts God had given me, my home, my children, and the new talents I was discovering I had, and so I was excited about sharing them. Connecting with other artists and art-lovers through this new medium and hopefully also creating a platform to share my heart in some way.
Fast forward to about a year ago. Both kids now in school, it seemed I had a little more time on my hands to create stuff, to finally ramp up a home-based business, but instead the alone time created a space for God to get into my thoughts and start a little ruckus. Not exactly what I was looking for at this stage in my life. Thought I had everything figured out, had my life on auto-pilot. Thought I was living out of a true heart, at least mostly. As long as I kept a couple doors shut, everything was fine. But God knew I was still trapped inside that one place in my heart, a place I tried to cover up and pretend it wasn't there. Like being trapped inside a block of ice, I could barely hear the "chink, chink" of Him chipping away at the outside of the ice block, yet I resisted. The chinks got louder, my heart became restless, a storm was brewing, and then it all exploded.
Threw me into the most severe trial of my life. This blog reflects some of that. I don't need to reiterate the darkness and pain and sadness this season has brought me. And yet it has also planted new seeds of life within me. So strange. As one thing dies, it brings new life. Life to a new kind of joy. A joy that exists despite extreme poverty of spirit, despite the deepest sorrow and remorse. A dim flicker of light that refuses to go out no matter what everything else in my life is screaming at me.
I know the above Scripture was referring to a type of material generosity shown by the people of the Macedonian church in the days of the Apostle Paul. Giving generously despite their poverty. I face a similar situation in that I am so depleted emotionally and spiritually right now, yet it is that very lack that is springing up in me a desire to give, to share, to reach out to those hurting in ways I can now understand.
I don't know where this is leading. My hope is that God is preparing me for a new life of ministry in some way. But first I must continue my own healing journey. Before God can do a good work THROUGH me, I have to let Him do His work IN me.
For today, I am thankful for this flicker of joy. This desire to be generous. Share. Love. Live Generously.
Jennerosity.
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