pssst! is it safe here? i mean, nobody really reads this, right? ok, good. i just need to share some junk & i don't even care if the next HR department in my next career finds this & sends me to a loony bin.
so i'm at work tonight, sweeping. not much going on, only a couple customers in the store, 2 other employees. just sweeping and thinking. dark thoughts. here's what my post was going to be: (entitled, dark questions:) "is there a painless way to die? is there a way to erase the memory of me from the minds of those who might miss me? like uploading photos from a digital camera and erasing its memory, is there? and is there a place in heaven for those who give up? who decide there's just no place for them here anymore?"
i'm thinking these thoughts, they're sweeping through my brain like the broom across these coffee grounds, when suddenly this other employee pops up with a blender half-full of leftover frappucino, offering me some. We both partake and i thank him, i needed that. Seems he also needed someone to talk to, as he then just drops the news to me that his grandfather passed away today at 4 am and he's been up since then, spending the first half of the day at the hospital with the family, making funeral arrangements, etc. I knew there was something wrong with this guy today, just not his normal happy self. As he continues to talk about what a great person his grandfather was, his eyes begin tearing up, he's wiping them with his green apron, until the moment he's too choked up to talk anymore and he shuffles back over to the drive-thru area, where he's either letting loose with his sobs or trying to regain his composure, i'm not sure which. I'm standing there, leaning on my broom, wondering what to do next. My instinct is to give him a big hug and let him cry it out, but..it's just so awkward, I mean, I really don't know this guy that well, though we've had some good chats now & then, about his troubled family...we even talked at length about the Bible and what a cool dude he thought Jesus was, even though he held the belief that John the brother of Jesus was gay. This guy, by the way, is gay, which might make the hug a tiny degree less awkward, but still... Later on this evening he makes his way over to me again, this time he starts opening up to me about how he used to be addicted to meth and some other really bad drugs, how he was homeless for awhile, flunked out of school, and then he stops and says, "I don't know why I'm telling you all this, it's not like you seem like a person that would do these things too...it's just that a lot of the people here would just judge me.."
So my heart is really feeling heavy for this guy now... knowing more and more of his background, his struggles, his recent loss of his beloved grandfather. I mention his loss to the closing manager as we're leaving, and she just says, "I know, it is unfortunate". huh? Unfortunate. Such a typical, cold, politically-correct, good professional workplace response. Where is the compassion for people these days? People whose lives are already broken enough, and they're slashed with yet another heartbreaking event and someone can just label it "unfortunate"????
and now i'm also feeling like the world's biggest heel. wallowing in my own pity party, thinking the world would be better off without me, and then i'm hit in the face with the reality of the darkness surrounding us everywhere. maybe that's why i'm at this measley job. To somehow be the light of Christ in a dark place. I never met people like this in my former career. could easily imagine that they didn't exist, or if they did, they weren't real people with real hearts and real tears, people that mattered.
Jesus, fill me up with more of you. more of your light. forgive me for my selfishness. pour me out onto your people. pull out the junk that holds me back from making a difference in people's lives. I trust you to do this with my life. so i'm not just swept up into a dust pan, my memory erased from this earth. amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment