haiku

quiet sobs echo
louder in the empty house
from my empty heart

sleepytime

i once had a friend who would sleep all day long because he was so severely depressed.  so i'd come over and just lie there with him awhile, to try to comfort him, which was weird, because he was asleep the whole time. (later he committed suicide and "won" his battle over bipolar disorder)  Now i can sort of understand what he was going through.  being really depressed is really exhausting.  still haven't done a thing yet today, in my jammies still, and ready to go back to bed. oh don't worry, i'll be back up for the kids and for work tonight, will have my happy face back on, nobody will have a clue what i did (or didn't do) all day.  just keep singin the happy song... (because i'm happy...clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth...)

lucky me

i guess i'm lucky

to  be able to spout out all these negative

thoughts and feelings

most people wouldn't dare

they either have their image to maintain

or no possible route of anomonity ? anonymousity? whatever the word is...

unknowness i guess...

because they have such huge tight circles of 

friends followers fans

who would read this junk

and yell at them

what are you thinking?

you know you're better than that

you know God loves you too much to let you slide into that kind of

stinkin thinkin...

but no

i don't have those connections

i don't hear those words of encouragement

i don't have twenty million followers, fans, friends, whatever.

oh well

i have my cats

and my cats love me 

and snuggle with me

and they can't read.

dirty laundry

sometimes i hope
that death and heaven
are just like going into a coma
an unconscious state
where i feel and see nothing
no recollection of past mistakes
no familiar faces to remind me
of my failures
and missed opportunities
no more pain
just emptiness
like now
only better
that would be heaven
for me

Beauty and the Beast: the Sequel

     Over the past year or so, i've been introduced to the term, Stockholm syndrome.

 Defined by wikipedia as " a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness."

And defined by dictionary.com as:
"an emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of continuous stress, dependence, and a need to cooperate for survival."

 In the context of real situations of kidnapping and traumatic events, this term is not something I can relate to, as I've never been kidnapped.


But the second time I heard the term, it was associated with the familiar story of The Beauty and the Beast, made popular by the Disney movie, you know the story.  And it got me thinking...

 What if it really wasn't so much that she falls in love with her captor, but was enamored to the idea of being protected, adored, coddled, treated to any easy life in a beautiful castle, exciting trips, time to pursue her interests, (Belle loved to read!)  ...perhaps this is all a girl can ask for?  is it?    I mean, as long as she can set some physical boundaries in the relationship, keeping it platonic, isn't that enough?

What if the beastly appearance was just a metaphor for that immediate, gut reaction or repulsion she had for him, though she couldn't explain why?    And what if the "miraculous" conversion of the beast to a prince was really just her mind reasoning with her, saying, "ok, look, you are being admired, adored, well-taken care of, maybe this isn't a beast after all?"  even though her gut still feels that repulsion when he comes near.  Is her mind strong enough to let her continue believing he's a prince and not a beast?

 And suppose Belle is already 34 years old, her high school and college friends have long beat her in getting married and starting a family.  The fact that she doesn't really LOVE the beast doesn't hold much weight against the prospect of going unwed and childless into the rest of her life.  She might as well just settle...why not, live this easy life in luxury and possibly even have kids that have a 50% resemblance to her own loveliness.  

And...suppose Belle already had a victim mentality, so it wasn't so much that the Beast coerced her into becoming his prisoner, but she had a hard time saying NO to people because she felt so weak and powerless.  And wasn't a life as a prisoner in a fancy castle far better than living in poverty with an aging father and a bunch of mean, selfish sisters who probably contributed to her victim mentality and powerlessness?

And by the time she realizes all of this, Belle has become so accustomed to living her easy life and having people see their picture-perfect exterior and saying "oh what a lovely couple", etc, further enhancing the Barbie & Ken/Disney image, that she just shuts her mouth, assumes her fate is sealed, and she's locked in. Frozen. (Frozen? hmmm...another movie perhaps?)

There needs to be a sequel, a Belle II movie, where she re-discovers herself, becomes strong enough to realize she doesn't need to live in a prison, just for protection and an easy life, especially not with a beast whom she doesn't truly love.  Where she discovers the true Beauty inside of her, that doesn't require a prince for authentication, certification of her worthiness.  Just someone she loves with all her heart, someone whom she can call her equal, her true sweetheart, a perfect partner, match, soul mate...

Is that possible?

Nahh, that's just fairytale junk.

Prayer

Jesus i just want to die. Please take me. Amen.

just suppoe

suppose there was a TRUTH
about your heart
in your heart
that you knew
that you knew
that you knew
that you knew
that you knew...
it was intricately a part of you
black and white
clear as the blue sky
as solid as the dirt under your feet
as sure as the taste of sugar on your tongue....
but nobody believed you.
They thought you were crazy.
Deceived. Troubled. Immature. Flighty. Selfish.
at first you gave in
letting others overpower you was easy
you had no power anyway
and the furnishings of your prison
were actually pleasant ones
tastefully decorated
but they were still a prison
and the only way out,
the key to your freedom
was getting them,
at least some of them, one of them,
to BELIEVE the truth in your heart
that you know
that you know
that you know
that you know
that you know
is TRUE.
and as the time goes on
you become bolder
in your attempt to escape
you are willing to become
a martyr for your belief.
and if no one wants to bear the guilt
on their hands
of burning you at the stake
for your belief
for that Truth in your heart,
...then you are ready
to take matters into your own hands.

just googling...

just some research notes, no big deal...

Nitrous oxide is painless and will produce unconsciousness in a few seconds. It can be obtained from Auto speed shops. It does require a mask or some way to keep breathing it after one passes out. Nitrous oxide is not poisonous but it will not support life and will cause suffocation if one keeps breathing it after one passes out. To insure death without possible resuscitation and brain damage, one should breathe it for 15 to 20 minutes to insure death.
One way to do this is to hook a gas mask or oxygen mask to a garbage bag full of the gas.
When dentists use this gas for painless dentistry they mix the gas with oxygen to prevent asphyxiation.
The gas can also be obtained from whippets which are tiny tanks of nitrous oxide for making whipped cream. It will take a few of these and a whipped cream maker but you can fill a garbage bag with the gas from them. Also canned whip cream has this gas in them and enough can be obtained from them to fill the garbage bag also.
When kids get high from breathing whippets they usually don't breath enough to pass out or they pass out and drop the whippet and begin breathing air again so the don't die.

carbon monoxide. You just fall asleep and die.

air: 20 cc injected in artery with a syringe is lethal 
water: if you drink 10 lt of water at a time, you will die from water poisoning. 
salt: 125 gr 
apple seeds: if you eat chew apple seeds enough, you will be poisoned and die. 
cherry pits: same story 
tobacco: 300 gr leaves into water, set it aside for 6 days, take out the leaves, simmer the water into 2 table spoon, mix into something then drink. 
some chemicals which are easy to access which are fatal: sodium cyanide, strychnine, mercury, carbonmonoxide, butane, helium, nitrogen, potassium chloride, pesticides 

easy to access drugs: aspirine (30+gr), barbiturates, 

mixtures: zyprexa+kolopin+sleeping pills+sodium or potassium citrate+alcohol 

deadly plants and animals: google them. 

Get some scuba gear, including a really heavy weight belt. They say the deeper you go, the better it gets. Not sure where they got their information.

Or, a bottle of helium gas and a plastic. I have it on hearsay that in the absence of CO2, your bod doesn't even realize it is suffocating.

honest cry

dear God,
can i just die and go to heaven, like now?
my hands are raised, just scoop me up.
please?

rather

I would rather
have my desires go unmet
and live in poverty,

...but free and honestly..



..than have a well-cared for, protected facade with fringe benefits,



....and live masked,
in a cage.