Drama-free December Drive

So I've decided to have myself a drama-free little December this year.  With all the busyness of the Christmas season, I don't have time for dredging up the deep dramatic dung of my darkest demonic dungeons during this time of ho-ho-ho-ing and decking the halls with dredlocks of dowdy decor. (ok so i was on a letter "d" roll, i'm over it...)

This month I'm gonna focus on keeping it light.  Make it merry for the family.  Make my list, check it twice, forget about who's naughty or nice, just spread good cheer, love, grace, and lots of chocolate and cha-ching! I even skipped my Body Combat class at the gym this morning so I could get some shopping done and avoid getting into that fierce fighter mode that always brings out those raw emotions best left covered in snow this time of year.  (snow and ice, that reminds me of another blog post I have swirling in my brain, i'm so ADD it's pathetic...oh look! a bunny!!!)  And I"m also feeling lazy and quite comfortable with just ignoring that little jiggle, that squishy belly lopping over my belt, as I cruise through the drive-thru for a peppermint mocha, shopping list in one hand, flipping the dials for something besides some of those annoying Christmas songs that should've died out 50 years ago.



That's where I went wrong.  the music.  If I'm trying to keep out of the depths, I have to avoid listening to music, because it will always lead me down that path, out of the safe swimming zone and into the scary places.  Not all music, but certain songs, I never know which ones will hit me when, but, they take me for a spin.  I've heard it said, something about happy people just hear the beat of the music, but when you're sad, you really hear the lyrics.  Sometimes that really stinks.

Today the song was "Drive", an oldie but goodie by the Cars.  Brought me back many, many years ago, and I know this dates me and I don't even care, but I was sitting in our family living room the night before I went off to college in a different town, and I was looking out the window, listening to that song on the radio.  Looking out at our little truck in the driveway, all packed up with pretty much all my earthly belongings, ready to head out to my very first home-away-from-home in a university dorm two hours away the next morning.  I was feeling a mix of emotions that night, nostalgia for the memories I was leaving behind...looking out at our familiar sidewalk where I'd ridden my bike back and forth between our house, the corner store and the swimming pool, every summer growing up.  Excitement and wide-eyed wonder about leaving home and all the fun things and new people I would soon encounter.   A bit of anxiety and homesickness, not knowing if I'd make new friends, missing the old friends and family, so much to think about.

At the time the song "Drive" didn't mean much to me, except who was going to give some girl a ride home from a party some night, right?   Yet even then it left a haunting impression on me...like it was speaking to my subconscious though I didn't even realize it.

(and I quote the song by the Cars...)

Who's gonna tell you when
it's too late
who's gonna tell you things
aren't so great

you can't go on, thinkin'
nothing's wrong, but bye
who's gonna drive you home
tonight

No, in my shallow, innocent, or at least blinded state of mind, I didn't get it. After all, wasn't I just a normal teenager so far? Well, maybe not that innocent, but definitely naive...

Little did I know... the trash I'd drag myself through,
just looking for love,
the parts of my soul I'd let get ripped away...
that devastating night...
vandalized. violated.
stripped of any last ounce of moral control.
Who was there to drive me home?

who's gonna pick you up
when you fall
who's gonna hang it up
when you call

In actuality, I had to walk myself back home.
alone.
Through the dark city streets,
alone.
back to my dorm.
waiting outside in the cold,
till a friend came down to unlock the door for me.
Like a stray puppy, sad, injured, alone.
just a sad memory.
taken back there by music, as usual, to the scene of the crime.
where a lot of my problems began,
while others were exacerbated. (sp?)

who's gonna pay attention
to your dreams
who's gonna plug your ears
when you scream

Settled for a life
where screaming isn't allowed.
only shallowness.
pastey-face smiles.

who's gonna hold you down,
when you shake?
who's gonna come around,
when you break?

oh, you know you can't go on, thinkin'
nothing's wrong,
(who's gonna drive you)
(who's gonna drive you home)
who's gonna drive you home tonight?

I just wanna go home
where I'm free to be me.
to scream if I need to.
do i have to wait until heaven?

I need home now.

(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)