no news is good news, right? i should just stop spilling my thoughts like this. shut the crazy lady up, just smile and everyone will think everything's fine. smile, just smile. right. oh well.
The good news is, after all i've gone through thus far, i have to say i am much more at peace now. It feels much better being honestly depressed than artificially "happy". It's a good feeling, in a sad but honest way. I can "own" this feeling, and i know it's real. i can pluck it out of my body, hold it in front of my eyes, inspect it, sniff it, (pew!) and observe it objectively. I'm no longer just pretending, and trying to hide my feelings in keeping busy and buying too much stuff. No longer just going along for the ride, bracing myself and forcing affection while shrinking inside, recoiling and cringing with a sinking feeling of disgust and degradation. I'm free of that. (oh no i've said too much...smiles, everyone, smiles..) Like a bird, my soul is free, even if i'm not.
now i'll (try to) shut up.
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