Locked car pounding
Bass booming
A/C hurricane
Singing slightly out of tune
Shoppers park, shop, return
I'm still sitting in my room
Private room
Moody music
Sweet tea, drive-thru garbage
Song's over, gotta get out
Oops-another good one
Just one more...
2 weeks is way too long to be away from the gym. I need this therapy. Here I can be strong. Here I'm in control. Here I can forget my weaknesses, my inadequacies, my failures.
sort of cheating again here...sharing someone else's wisely worded devotional here because they're so much wiser than i. hope someone else is spoken to through this, too.
Excerpt from My Utmost for His HIghest by Oswald Chambers:
(from the passage entitled, Visions Becoming Reality)
"God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that so many of us give up and faint. Every God-given vision will become real if we will only have patience. Just think of the enormous amount of free time God has! He is never in a hurry. Yet we are always in such a frantic hurry. While still in the light of the glory of the vision, we go right out to do things, but the vision is not yet real in us. God has to take us into the valley and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave us the vision, He has been at work. He is getting us into the shape of the goal He has for us, and yet over and over again we try to escape from the Sculptor's hand in an effort to batter ourselves into the shape of our own goal.
"The vision that God gives is not some unattainable castle in the sky, but a vision of what God wants you to be down here. Allow the Potter to put you on His wheel and whirl you around as He desires. Then as sure as God is God and you are you, you will turn out as an exact likeness of the vision. But don't lose heart in the process. If you have ever had a vision from God, you may try as you will to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never allow it."
And that, my friend, is what I needed to hear today. That it's ok to be stuck in the valley for awhile. God is at work, even when it seems nothing is happening. I've seen my life take some crazy-fast turns lately, spinning me into a whirlpool that feels like insanity sometimes, but then at other times it seems like it's all come to a standstill. Nothing happening. Waiting for this. Waiting for that. Trying to get this or that, like a job. Nothing happening. It's all part of the valley. I will choose to be thankful for the valley. Enjoy the scenery. Learn from it. Just love other people and stop moaning and complaining. yeah, I'm preachin to myself here, but I hope the great "Oz" has inspired someone else today too. Enjoy the valleys. word.
running beats
hypno groove
hot fat sun
i'm in the mood
hot pavement
thick air
life's a mess
i don't care
got my music
got my sweat
mindless lyrics
titanium head
one more mile
cruise control
heart beat steady
mind control
feelin the street
queen of the beat
brain on pause
programmed feet
dub step, electro step
heart on rewind
life's just a metronome
stuck in GarageBand
la la la, hip hop the be-bop
someone tell me
where to stop
here? ok,
stop the loop-track
brace for impact
reality hard hat.
reality...reality...
nothin rhymes with that.
I really hate the feeling of being out of control, like something is just happening to me that I cannot control. Like I was just living my normal life, controlling my little day in and day out, and then I start this downward spiralling on the inside, going down, and around, and around, and down, down, down.... like water down a drain. To most people everything is normal. I keep up a good front. For now.
Maybe a whirlpool is a better analogy. One minute the water is calm, then suddenly I'm sucked into a whirlpool that starts spinning me around and around, and I'm sucked downward, afraid I'm going to drown...
God. This is where I need You. Nothing else in this life makes sense. Not tradition. Not institutions. Definitely not emotions. Yet God has a purpose for them, I guess. Just trying to figure out why. If they're once damaged and suppressed, why in the world do they keep popping back up again, uninvited? Messing with my mind, my whole life???
Just weird thoughts on a Sunday night. I shouldn't blog on Sundays. My thoughts are always weird. God opens my heart and mind up through worship, which is great, but then something later on goes awry and I go down these strange bunny trails. hippity-hoppity. Monday's on its way.
I can't believe I'm publishing this. Feeling that vulnerability hangover already. get the aspirin.
Just when i was starting to relax my mind, put my feet up...(Will finish this later, of course, my lunch is waiting. Beep! Goes tbe mircrowave.)
Susie Larson (@SusieLarson) tweeted at 0:18 PM on Fri, Jul 12, 2013:
Today's Question: If you knew your life was about to end, what would you fix, do differently, repair?
wow. that's a good one. want to make it quick though. got an early t-ball game in the morning.
So just imagine, my life is about to end. oh gosh. what would i fix? I don't like this question. can I pick a different one?
fine. here's my answer. i'd fix me. or rather, let God fix me. then i'd get really honest about it, write an autobiography, add to it all the dozens of notebook journals i've filled up since i was a kid and now have stashed in an old suitcase under my bed, and spill all my secrets to the world.
then i'd go travel the world. visit all the people who I feel I need to see one last time. spend quality time with family. work on twisted relationships.
and then i'd forget that i'm only an average (or below average!) singer, dancer, artist and i'd do the much-quoted thing about singing like no one's listening, dance as if no one is looking, and paint to my heart's content. who cares what people think.
ok enough thinking about dying. i don't need to go there right now. especially when i haven't seen the sun in many dreary days.
goodnight.
To be reflected on & answered later on....
Today's Question: What unexpected blessing has come out of the ashes of your pain?(https://twitter.com/SusieLarson/status/355379476152066048)
Ok, ok, it's later on already. Do I really have to do this? Blog about this? Answer this question? That's the trouble with these blogs. Once you know that someone else is at least ocassionally checking in and reading what you write, you have that irritating thing called "accountability" breathing down your neck, waiting for you to finish what you started. ugh. At least a paper journal you can just turn the page and nobody will ever know.
So my unexpected blessing, my beauty from ashes? Couldn't I save this for a sunny day, write about this after this rain and these ugly gloomy skies have passed? Alrighty then, Holy Spirit, you'd better juice me up here....I'm waiting...uh, hello up there???
Ok, seriously, let's just make this quick. Two things come to mind: 1. a more compassionate, non-judgemental attitude toward others..... and 2. a better understanding of God's Grace.
It used to be that I would sort of judge "those people" in these situations. I mean, doesn't the Bible say.... yeah, it does. But when you really are forced to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to live that same darkish nightmare, you get it. Suddenly you're that woman lying in a heap at Jesus' feet, her accusers holding stones, ready to stone her for her sin. You know it was wrong, but you also know what complicated junk and stuff that wasn't even your fault were mixed into your life that brought you to where you are. All you want is to be loved and accepted and given a second chance. I'm seeing that in other people now, as I see it in myself.
And that's where God's grace steps in. I used to think that, since I've known the Lord for so many years, and done this or that for Him, and even gave my testimony to groups of people in the past, blah, blah, blah, that somehow I wasn't allowed to get into messes like this and get away scot-free. (where does that expression come from anyway, and who the heck is scot???) ok then, I mean, to get away without condemnation? I mean, wouldn't I judge someone like that myself? Like a hypocritcal preacher who has to step down because he's caught in some horrible sin? Is there such thing as an unpardonable sin, especially if that person was previously known as such a good "church person"? ooh, ouch, now I sound just like those Pharisees and judgemental hypocrites of Jesus' day. God's grace is so great because of these very failures. I think He even allows these major life breakdowns to happen just to humble us, to show us what miserable wretches we are if we actually think that our years of serving the Lord would gain for us one speck of approval from the Almighty himself. Who are we to think such garbage????
ok, time to scrape myself off the floor. I'm humbled, Lord. Your grace is too good for me. Forgive me for ever thinking otherwise.
well there really is a third thing on my mind. It's more of a scary thing, than a beauty thing, but it's how real spiritual warfare is. Now of course Satan is but a pesky flea on the heel of our Lord Jesus Christ, but sometimes we get a glimpse of his sneaky evil schemes. Like.... I read recently of someone in a similar situation where they stopped going to church because they felt like everyone there was judging them. ooh, ouch. I know how they feel. But now, having read that from someone else's perspective, I realize what a bunch of you-know-what that is, that Satan is blinding them with. Sure, there will be people who judge, I admit, I was one of them, but most of it, I think, is exaggerated by the enemy to keep us out of fellowship, keep us from growing in our relationship with the Lord, and to keep us from damaging his kingdom by being a powerful witness to others about God's unexplainable grace.
So that's what I've learned so far. well, some of it anyway. I could go on...but I won't. less is more.
*sigh*. there. i did it. next question?? :-}
This was on that blurred line between favorites & retweets. Hmm.....how do i want to be judged?
Funny Or Fact (@funnyorfact) tweeted at 4:07 PM on Thu, Jul 11, 2013: My taste in music ranges from “you need to listen to this” to “I know, please don’t judge me".. (https://twitter.com/funnyorfact/status/355417980580012033) Get the official Twitter app at https://twitter.com/download
Sometimes I need to have more input, less output.
When my thoughts are stale, I need to do more reading, less blogging. There are times when I read and consume other people's thoughts too much, and can become like a stagnant pond and just need to write, to scream, and shout, and let it all out... (there i go again, lyrics-head...) and then other times I need to re-direct my thinking, adjust my reality, read some wise words, before i open my mouth again, or my fingers.
So here i go, diving into some good books. As I go, I hope to share a few insights along the way. I"ll start with a few nuggets I gathered last night from a book called "Hush". Here are a few good quotes about keeping silent, when we need to speak: (I may later return to express my own thoughts on some of these, but for now, let's let these authors speak for themselves:)
"As I stood there in SILENCE the TURMOIL within me grew worse." Psalm 39:2
"We have made a LIE our refuge and FALSEHOOD our hiding place." Isaiah 28:15
"Don't be afraid! Speak out! Don't be silent!" Acts 18:9
"Silence delays the healing process by perpetrating the hurt, shame and guilt of adult survivors."
"We're afraid others will believe the same things about us that we believe about ourselves."
"If you don't find the courage to tell, your fears can lead you to cope in unhealthy ways that will just perpetrate the bondage you feel."
(last 3 quotes by Nicole Braddock Bromley)
...diving back in...SPLASH!!! :-)
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