secret place

 

 I acknowledge you here, Lord

 in the quiet place

 where no one can see

 where no one can hear

 here i am free

 free to worship

 free to bow down

 free to weep

 free to love

 free to be me

 free to be Yours

 in our secret place

 here i am, Jesus.

hazy haiku

 

                 

              

                                                                            

   

                                              My hazy boundaries (similar to popular song title, but cleaner lyrics)

              between truth and peace                 

    

                                                                            

      divides freedom and safety

  

                                                                               

               kindness/honesty

Why am i here?

#suddenlynervous

That was then.....(publish failed)...This is now: i did it!!!More later..... :-D

How quickly later becomes now, and soon later will be earlier. deep thought. ok here goes...

So the title of this blog is why am i here? i am no longer asking that question, but am here to answer it for you. I was there to get my booty kicked, and kicked it was. Hands aching too. But I'm thankful for getting out of that car, swallowing my nerves and walking in that door, took my 3rd boxing class so far. Which means a third helping of humble pie. I love Body Combat, its aerobic and muscular benefits are huge, but this technique, punching it out on a real 150-lb. bag, is pretty new to me and really knocks me out of my comfort zone.

I like this teacher, though. My first time with her. She's a mom, too, about my age, so even though she's tough, she's got a touch of motherly-ness about her. She even brought her kid to class, he's 12. He's also just learning to wrap his hands, like me. He has his own personal trainer already.. According to "Mom", this trainer's motto is, "It's not a good day until you punch someone in the face." yikes! I"m not sending my daughter to this kid's middle school...ok so here's the class:

Warm-up with jump ropes, then we glove up and do a timed sequence on the bags, warming up the shoulders. Interval training is next. 5 minutes boxing, then 5 minutes training with kettle balls and medicine balls. "Maximum reps in the least amount of time", something like that. So if you get done early, your reward is a few seconds to rest. Stuff like burpees with a kettle ball lift at the end, frog-jumps while holding the medicine ball, a plethora of push-ups, and my favorite- holding the med ball overhead and SLAMMING it down on the floor as hard as i can, like smashing a pumpkin. What's super cool is, mine has a small leak in it, so the harder i throw it down, the more dust comes puffing out! fun! (simple minds are easily entertained!)

oh- must include snarky comments about other fighters, as is my custom...(snark,snark...) So there's this guy in there, he's actually a very good fighter and the instructor tells me later on to really watch him and learn from his form, but he's got this hilarious beard- it looks like this:

Like a long goatee with a rubberband half down its length, like a turnip someone just yanked out of the dirt. Plus he wears a mouthguard, which just adds to the overall silliness. I nickname him Weirdo-Beardo. Halfway through the class he loses his shoes & socks & works out barefoot; looks fun, but for now i'm just glad to be a safe distance from those smelly feet.

ok got that snarkiness out of me, let's move on...I'm definitely not one to critique others here. Hitting these bags correctly to avoid injury is a full-time job for me, and maybe I'm taking myself too seriously, because when Ms. Chopp (seriously! that's her last name! chop-chopp!!) comes by during a fighting sequence and mimics my flailing arms in an effort to show me what NOT to do, I guess i take it too personally and let out a mid-swing, sarcastic "thanks" at her. She's nice and jumps right in with good advice on my getting closer to the bag, practically hugging it, and using my CORE to hit, not so much my shoulders. So much to learn. And yeah, i know, I can be a Prideful Priscilla at times, lashing out when ridiculed. Guess its my crazy childhood creeping in,always the lowest one on the teasing totem pole.

Music: she's got great taste in fighting tunes. My favorite so far is Aerosmith's "Dude looks like a Lady!" How could you not love punching a bag to that song?? I'm also loving "Juke Box Hero" by Foreigner and "Pump it! (Louder!!)" by the Black Eyed Peas.

My favorite sequence- moving around the room, bag to bag...jab-cross-jab,hook to head, hook to gut, then spin around to next bag and WHACK it with a strong back arm punch. I'm finally gettin' it on this one, and as if to make it up to me for picking on me earlier, the instructor rushes over to pat me on the back and says, "See! There's one move you're a NINJA at!!"

Yes!!! a Ninja!!! I'm lovin that, and use it as my mantra as i continue to jab-cross-jab-hook-hook-spin-and-WHACK my way around the room to juke box hero. Nina the Ninja, naw, how about Niffer the Ninja...(Niffer was my camp counselor nickname 2 summers in a row, long ago..) Niffer the Ninja, Niffer the Ninja, I'm chanting inside my head, just like Bill Murray taught "Rudy" to say "Woody the Wabbit, Woody the Wabbit" in that old "Meatballs" movie... (yes, that was looooong ago...)

Ms. Chopp encourages us: "You're stronger than you think! Don't let your mind win!!!"

"Use up your tank! Get strength from your partner!! We're in this together!!"

Great class. Afterwards I stick around, cooling down and stretching a bit and getting some good advice from Ms. Chopp. Like how to engage my fist muscles to protect my wimpy wrists, and then a good explanation on the difference between Taikwando & Muay Thai...a real "aha!" moment for me, and I'm thinking I'd definitely prefer the latter over the former, can really put these motherly hips to work in those full-body SHOVES of Muay Thai, it seems... She also recommends I watch Karate Kid, esp. for the quote by the kid, something about putting all the strength of your body into your fist. hmm. Think I'll look it up on Netflix, show it to my kids, maybe they'll wanna join me for this class next week. We talk women fighters, shadow boxing, and more, and then she tells us all to go check out the "Bull City Brawl" in Durham this weekend. She says she herself doesn't fight "real people", but LOVES to watch others "get the crap beat out of 'em!!!"

Woo-hoo! I'll be back, Ms. Chopp!! See ya!!

 

 

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hitchhiker, part 2

Still brewing...

zzzzz, oops, sorry, hate it when i fall asleep in public places like this...now where was i? (p.s. I actually just typed a whole page here and then lost it due this device crashing on me, i could just cry, but maybe it's a sign from God that I was sharing too much personal info and i should just pack it up and go back to bed. hmmmmm, I think the Lord is speaking...)

by the way, re: this last photo, yes, these are 2 varieties of fattening Oreo ice cream, yes, I had a big fat scoop of each of them earlier, yes, it was delicious and nope, I am not feeling a bit of guilt. earned it.

If I feel moved to re-open this can of worms again, (meaning my personal dissection, not the ice cream, I don't really eat worms now..) I'll return in the morning. later in the morning, that is.

goodnight!

 

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Caffeinated wifi hitchhiker

Caffeine still kicking in....wait for it....:-)

I'm at it again, scoring some free wi-fi at yet another coffee shop,

on the cheap with my homemade pb&j, refueling my post-workout muscle fatigue.

Workout fatigue. what I'm supposed to be talking about here. But this new groovy shop & this John Mayer on the radio is distracting me. so here goes. Body Combat. Sub filling in for Robb. It's a chick. She's wrapping her hands with some cool bright orange boxing wraps. Reminds me, I need to be practicing my hand wrap technique, in case I'm not in too much pain to go to boxing class tomorrow. we shall see.

So this new chick...she's a powerhouse of energy, knows how to fight. Not like my female boxing intstructor at the other place, man she's wicked, but good. She also sings to the songs more than Robb, like, "Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games...bring you to your..sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees,knees!!!.....you're all sexy girls, and one sexy boy!" (again, the only male is singled out, poor thing)

Her other fun comments and tips: "If you're standing in a pool of sweat, your shoes will make this nice squeak, best sound in the world!" On technique, the elbow strikes: aim for between the eyes, then down the nose." (Crack! aww, oops! what a pretty nose that was, too! oh well, you wouldn't want to smell me right now anyway) Muay Thai: "get down & dirty!!!"

Triple jabs forward - play with your opponent, tease him...

Hook - knock him out, then...

Snap-kick- Finish him off!!! hoooaaahhh!!!

Roundhouse kick w/back fist punch, BAM!

Jab-cross-hook, traveling triple jabs to the right, push him into the ropes,

"Boom, Boom, POW! What'd ya think of me now!!!"

As I get into the whole groove of things and start to flow with the fighting sequences, my mind and eyes wander, as usual, and I'm again critiquing my fellow fighters. (ok, maybe not as many fellows, but tough females...) I look for my toughest competition and analyze her form, finding the chink in her armor, her weak, soft spot...got it. It's this Asian girl next to me in the camouflage shorts & nice gloves. Obviously a weight lifter, reminds me of Lucy Liu on steroids. I'm trying not to stereotype or assume she's got some martial arts advantage just because of her eastern descendence, but not to worry. She's definitely more of a lifter than a fighter. yeah, her biceps are killer, she could pin me any day, but in the boxing ring, I think I could stop her wimpy punches and at least give her one good blast to the brain. (bring it on, Ronda Roussey!! i wish...)

Problem is, her arm comes across her face in a lazy follow-through, like she's pushing the fridge door closed, nuh-uh, girlfriend, gotta tighten that fist...if that were a real opponent at the end of that lazy swing - they'd get a gentle teddy bear nudge, gotta squeeze that fist on impact- make it explode into his skull! YAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

ok, minding my own business again.

Note to self: NEVER wear this particular shirt to Body Combat again. When soaked, dripping with sweat, I'm sorry, my weak-stomached friends, but whatever material this is made of, this thing reeks like, no kidding, like cat pee!!!! Sick! Gross! And now I gotta suffer through a whole hour of Body Flow in this stinkin thing, flowin in my stinkin zen-cloud of cat pee!!!! i know, i know, TMI....

(oh my gosh, one of the newscasters from WRAL TV-5 just walked in here in running shorts, he looks so much shorter & skinnier in real life, funny how the TV camera really makes you look 10 pounds heavier! I'm pretending not to stare...)

So my deep personal thoughts during Body Flow have now drifted out of the cat pee cloud and into a very analytical dissection of my genetic make-up, family history and spiritual renewal. But alas, where does the time go. Time to get the groceries and the kids. I"ll have to finish this later. I pinky-promise. :-)

 

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Psalm 55-and-a-half

This dark tunnel's getting scarier, Lord

Scary monster faces

around every corner

new issues,

new heartaches

slow down this ride!

what? no pause button?

I'm scared, Jesus

Lock my doors.

Keep me safe inside.

Do I really have to go there?

Like a scary roller coaster

in the dark

Can I jump out of this train?

off the rails?

Is there a reverse?

No rewind button, girl...

too much grief.

need an escape.

mental escape.

laughter, even fake

helps distract

bullets hit from every side

bleeding heart like suicide

Lord i'm dangerous

because i'm honest

yet...

"You desire truth in the inward parts".. Ps. 51:6

 

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart- these, O God, you will not despise." Ps. 51:17

"My heart is severely pained within me. And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

fearfulness and trembling have come upon me.

..horror has overwhelmed me.

And I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! For then I would fly away and be at rest. Indeed, I would

wander far off, and remain in the

wilderness."

Ps. 55:4-7

 

 

 

"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Ps.56:3-4

"You number my wanderings. Put my tears into Your bottle. Are they not in your book?"

Ps. 56:8

 

"Be merciful to me, O God,

be merciful to me;

For my soul trusts in You.

And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge.

Until these calamities have passed by."

 

Thank you, Lord, for this comfort in your word.

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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PBJ w/feng shui

Back in corner seat, near the door, PBJ from home goes well w/tall dark roast. #ready

wow. such a cheap skate here. totally taking advantage of free wi-fi. Traded in an empty starbucks bag for a free coffee, even brought my own sandwich, grapes & protein bar. shameless. if only this person 2 tables away would face the other way and stop talking to me. ugh. pretend to be busy. return, oh return oh feng shui...ooooohhhhhmmmmmmm...

ok so i've got jobs to look for today so this will be short. my deep, bottomless-cup-of-java moment of theological wisdom today came to me in Body Flow class. after an hour of my mind in dumb jock mode, just focusing on lifting that bar over my head with every guttural grunt i could muster...

i slide back into the now-dimly-lit studio, weave through the maze of stretching arms & legs everywhere, like frogger, up to where i left my mat in the front. We're doing a flowing (of course) tai chi move, and she uses the words "let the waves crash" as we slowly swish and swoop to the sides...yes, that ocean imagery, gets me every time...

"throw it all away...what are you letting go?"...."you need to LET GO....before you can REACH and GRAB HOLD of what's next". Letting go...grabbing what's next. wow. we can all go home now. that's all i need. I feel like I'm in this mental switch lately....I'm letting go of some things....yeah there's relief there...but as far as grabbing hold of what's next? nooooooooooooo!!! I scream. scared to death. I'd rather hover over this dark void of nothingness....squeeze my eyes shut....huddled down in child's pose.... child's pose....(image please?)

thank you, that's it... on my magic carpet... meaning my yoga mat which has just transformed into a magical carpet ride across the world, swirling and whooshing and soaring as i cling on for dear life, eyes still squeezed shut...afraid to see where i'm going. change. hate it. digging my heels in. so much easier to return to what's comfortable. but i can't. time marches on. i know what i know. and i know that i know that i know, which makes it even harder to be pretend i don't know to my knower. you know?

I would so love to try this, by the way, yoga on a surf board or paddle board out on the ocean. so cool. and i am so adhd it's ridiculous.

change. yuck. not much more to say. but will share a quote that came back and hit me a second time around today. It's by Brene' Brown: "The greatest vulnerability challenge: Our capacity for wholeheartedness = our willingness to be brokenhearted." ok, so i basically got it the first time, being daring enough to let your heart be totally broken after you've been completely open and honest with someone. But what whopped me across the other side of my head, was, that being totally open and vulnerable, heart wide open, can also break someone else's heart. And that in turn breaks my heart. So then I just want to take it back and it goes around and around and around and around like one of those stupid idiotic round-abouts or traffic circles where everyone is either so rude or overly friendly with their little hand gestures, "no, you go first", "no, really, you go first".

so there it is. namaste. which means, i learned today,

"my spirit honors your spirit."

oooooohhhhhhmmmmm!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

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fractional flat tires in the jungle

 

 

Back at it again. Body Combat. But first a quick link to a blog much better versed than I am in the technical aspects of this sport... I happened upon this blog of a guy who has a hefty background in martial arts training, I think he's a Body Combat instructor himself, so his critiques of the different tracks are much more technical, if you wanna check it out. He also has a section that lists all the tracks of music for all 58 or so choreographed sets. Now you'll notice in those that many of the songs listed don't give the original artist of the song, like they're recycled tunes, re-done by someone else because of copyright law, perhaps? whatever. But rest assured, when Mr. Robb leads our class, he brings the real mojo- as in Welcome to the Jungle by, who else, Guns'n'Roses! But the lists are interesting, if you're looking for ideas for a new workout playlist to download..

ok, so here's the link. Take a look, I'll meet you back here...

http://nzglen.wordpress.com/about-me/

Now let's fight. Robb starts out by singling out any newbies, as usual, and this time the one newbie is also the only guy in class! Poor guy. Robb assures him that "we" are ALL Mad Cary Moms here, regardless. He also says, "Attention, ladies, there is a boy in the room, and he's a looker!" Of course Robb would notice such things. But lookers aren't always fighters. My 5-second analysis of his fighter form? eh...definitely a newbie, I could easily take him down with one slug. no offense, just sayin.

Brand new set today, and it's a cardio killer. Faking it frequently to avoid fainting. seriously.

My favorite track- the karate kicks to "Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games....watch it bring you to your...knnnnnnnnn-knees, knees!!!" as POW!! we snap-kick our opponent in the knees. hiiiyyyAAHHH!! "I wanna watch you bleed!!!...."Let me hear you SCREAM!!!!!"

I just cannot even imagine doing these brutal moves to any kind of music less vicious than these tunes. Especially the toughest squat track, where the worst set of burning-thigh-and-butt lunges and slow-mo kicks is done to this especially grinding, wailing, off-the-rails crazy dub step mix...yow! pain! burn! bring it on!! Then back into the jenga movement for a bit of relief..

Muay Thai...downward street brawl punch, lovin it... jump kicks...

Some words on technique: on the hook, aim for the side of the head, between the temple and the jaw, keep the elbow up. On the elbow strikes, relax the hand, roll shoulder forward, elbow SLICES brow and nose. Ok, so here's why God gave me such knobby elbows, I could really do some damage with these knives!!!

Cardio-snap kicks, speed jabs, red face, out of breath, costume malfunck-shhhhsugarcrapohnoturnaroundfixitnobodysawthatmovingrightalonghere-jabs for SPEED! hooks-STRENGTH!! cross-jacks-AJILITY!! upper cuts-POWER!!! GO MAD CARY MOMS!!! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!!

Finally to the push-ups. Robb entertains us by teaching us the "twerk" dance move. Funny.

After class, in the transition before my Body Flow, I catch Robb and tell him about my recent venture into the boxing classes, tell him how he inspired me. He tells me that there are a couple punch bags in the back of this gym, that he comes in on his own and does his own boxing work-out here sometimes. Later I peek into the back room, by the basketball court, and there they are, 2 big stationary lumps, just ready to be punched. They're sneering at me. I sneer back. Just wait, you bad boys, just wait..

Transition from house-bangin rockin face-smashin Body Combat...

to serene, calm, dimly-lit, peaceful, zen-ful Body Flow...ohmmmmmmmmm...

This time in class, as I come back inside to reflect on my current mental/emotional/spiritual condition, I am given the "Eureka!" vision of a flat tire divided by fractions. Let me explain...

One-third of me is in a dark place of grief, the second one-third is also a dark place of grief, can't say more, but lately the "third third" has become a dimly lit, yes dimly, but dimly lit place of relief and peace. Not giddy happiness and excitement of what's in my unknown future, but just a tender shoot of peace, a feeling of "it's ok, God's here, it's gonna be alright...somehow." Now it would be great to just stay in that place, hang up some pretty pictures, get real comfy, but that's not how you fix a flat, deflated tire. YOu don't just pump up one third of the tire and expect to get a smooth ride. You'd have a big bump on one section and your ride would go "ba-bump...ba-bump..." No, you have to gradually add air to the other two-thirds, as well. Now at this point those other two-thirds are deep dark vaccums where I feel lost and out of control and unable to really DO anything to help. Just pray. Pray constantly through the dark, and wait for a tiny ember of hope to begin burning. I'm encouraged to feel more comfortable in prayer again. A place to stop and breathe again. Change has to be slow sometimes. Not too slow and stagnant, just staying in balance with the Lord. No cheesy church faces here, just reality and faith. and stepping out in faith, even when it seems there's just empty space beneath my feet.

whew. that was quite an exhausting Body Flow session. at the end, I again wipe my eyes as I get up from the 5 minutes of quiet meditation, but this time, it's only from one eye. that's progress. i think.

So this whole comparmentalizing my thoughts...into these "thirds" kind of thing...that's really my strong-male side taking over. You know, the whole, men think in little boxes and women think more globally, we can juggle a million different thoughts at the same time. I like my artsy, global side but sometimes it's overwhelming. Yes, I have a strong masculine side at times, not in a weird way, I don't think, but just enough to help me sort through my thoughts and find some strength to move on.

more about that masculine side, just to clarify...(I am not a butch!! really!!!!) :) It's just that...I've always enjoyed hanging out with guys, being one of them in a tomboy way, I guess you could say. Like it's just more fun to hang with them and do things like...hiking a mountain in a tropical rainstorm and then body-surfing/mudsliding all the way back down, or mountain-biking through a woods, careening through spider webs and over tree roots that just may or may not send me flying over the handle-bars, oh so much more fun than making small talk about ladies' hair salons or how to get that nasty stain off the carpet. pul-lease!!! Or memories of thundering around a lake-side trail on roller blades, terrorizing small pets and children...or climbing trees in the back woods at camp, creating needless gossip among the other counselors, wondering what we were "really" up to, HA! those idiots. I seriously miss that stuff. But on the flip side, when it comes to talking relationships and what he said and she said and how they said it and what they were wearing....that's where we all need a good set of girlfriends. And I need a refill of this good Tazo tea at my friendly neighborhood Starbucks.

later, y'all!! (OMG, I'm sounding so country, what is happening to this northern chick...y'all??!!)

p.s. no boxing class this week. yesterday killed me. maybe next week. :)

 

 

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Diving in

Dove into some good reading today while at the pool,

and since lil miss insomniac is up anyway, thought i'd share

a few of the nuggets i found.

(besides, just copying someone else's work requires almost zero thinking on my part, and the mundane task of typing may lull me back to sleep!)

so here goes:

(quoting Nicole Braddock Bromley here..)

"Ironically, moving forward in life entails looking back....processing what's taken place in the past in order to improve the outcome of the future."

(re: the passage in 1 Samuel 1, where depressed Hannah goes in to the tabernacle to pray..and Eli says,"Must you come here drunk?" (v.14)

"When Eli made a false assumption about Hannah, he responded to her tearful prayer by condemning her instead of ministering to her....Our human nature leads us to respond as Eli did. We're much quicker to conclude that people who seem different or in distress are messed-up losers than we are to reach out in love to find out what the real issue is with them. Instead of assuming anything about people, we need to communicate with them...not just the superficial "how are you?" "good.how about you? kind of stuff. We have to communicate in a way that reveals our heart and allows others to reveal theirs. Yet, for (some of us), such communication can be extrememly difficult."

"Even though we may have strong feelings of affection or friendship, we're afraid of what letting down our guard will do, so we prefer to run. We distance ourselves in order to protect ourselves from being hurt again."

"We have feeling in our skin for a reason, and part of that reason, I believe, is to feel loved through safe and warm touch. Touch can dramatically change a person's outlook on life."

 

and that's all she wrote. (ha, for now, anyway...)

This owl's about to dive back in...into the covers!! zzzzzzzzz

splash!!!!

 

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Kit-boxing, meow-thai..!!!!

Great video on http://7sec.co/v/24Ni