Stuck haiku

Who's more important?
Is the question of my life:
Me or my kids? Sigh.

One less facade

Sharing my story
With sweet tea, body shaking
Friend's ear, my relief.

Behind the smiles

Check out @JennerosityNC's Tweet: https://twitter.com/JennerosityNC/status/377434415556997120

This article echoed a thought i had recently... about how easy it is to fake a smile when really you're dying inside.  A perspective we all need to be sensitive to when considering how we respond to people around us.

Fighting on the sabbath

ok first let me say that i am not particularly fond of posting selfies...unless of course i have 3 hours to spend agonizingly pining and posing for the perfect shot, then editing and filtering...but this was an experiment, sort of.. Just wanted to capture this rare physical phenomenon that occurs on my face after an intense work-out or run: I get this weird perfectly rectangular red splotchy area across the middle of my face. Just weird. Though this just looks like I yanked my ponytail so tight it made my eyes cross. Enough weirdness, enough being weirdly vulnerable.

My point today is that I chose to attend a Body Combat class on a Sunday afternoon, for the first time, and it also felt a little weird. Sundays are lazy days, and on this day I was feeling particularly dough-ball-ish, so it was rather hard to get into the fierce, badness, beast mode required for a good combat class. But I tried.

I walk in a couple minutes early, actually, but it feels like I'm late because the instructor has held a half-hour "pre-fight" instruction session, just to give some pointers on how to do the various martial arts or boxing moves with correct form. Dang, I should've shortened my Sunday nap and come earlier for this, oh well.

He cautions everyone to work at their own pace, to stop and get a breather or water if needed, or step up the moves to a higher intensity level. He says some of us may be much better runners than he is because, well, he learned to fight, therefore he doesn't need to run. Ha ha.

This is also the first time I've been to the gym in a few weeks, since having the kids home for a 3-week break from school plus starting my new job. So I'm trying to pace myself, but this fighting thang is just so much fun, I'm quickly escalating into the above-mentioned fire-faced beast mode! Some of my favorite tracks were...

Karate: Robb pulls out the old favorite to the Pink song that goes "I'm not here for your entertainment.." (not the actual title) love those snap kicks.

Capoeira: Robb's comment: "this is going to kick your 'boo-daahhh!!!" oh yes, it did. Lunges & squats. Feelin it a day later.

Boxing: lots of this, but one favorite track was when he split up the class, so we're facing the other half who are lined up facing us, and we do a traveling jab move towards them, then back, and eventually through them and switch sides. Robb tells us that the jab is the move you do first in a fight, and if it's done hard enough, it just might be your last move. Well if this dude facing me is my opponent, I have nothing to fear. It's one thing to face a sweet girl who can't really fight, but a guy? Come on. This was just a bit disconcerting to me, I mean, aren't guys supposed to have an innate sense of how to throw a punch? This guy's girlfriend next to him was much better than he was, or maybe she was his bodyguard. Whatever. There I go again, the snarky critic...

Muay Thai: Lovin this! Triple elbow strike right, then a flying, jumping elbow strike left, finish him off with downward brawl punches. Robb leads us in loud guttural sinister yells as we kill our opponents, and by now my Sunday dough ball self is lying in a pool of sweat on the floor. For this one, I've conjured up a great image of my imaginary opponent: in my mind I'm running the trash late at night at work. This means propping open the back door with a brick and running the trash bags out to the dumpsters behind the Starbucks in the dark, praying that nothing but a few squealing rats are there to greet me behind those smelly iron gates. I've been told I can let someone else do this, if I want, and was even offered this guy's switchblade, (not sure if he was serious or not, but seeing the number of police cars that hang out in the nearby parking lot, I can guess maybe not), but I don't mind. In my nightmare-ish fighting mode, I picture a freaky assailant dressed in black, hoodie over his darkened face and just the gleam of one odd gold tooth sparkling as he laughs an evil laugh. I drop my garbage bags, and before he can say uncle I've wailed into him with an elbow strike across the face, upper cut to the gut, add a knee and a kick, how about a few brawler punches then dump out my bags of rotten garbage and coffee grounds on his face and let the rats finish him off. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of real and imagined attackers, I shall fear no evil; my roundhouse kick and mean right hook, they comfort me.

 

Ok, so obviously I'm having fun with this class. Maybe too much fun. I read recently in a devotional by Kristin Armstrong (Lance's ex) that during difficult times, it can be easy to fall into a trap of using things like exercise, therapy, yoga, drugs, acupuncture, shopping, working too much, alcohol, sex, meditation,etc. to try to alleviate pain. Nothing wrong with exercise, or some of those things in moderation, but I know that the way out of painful times is not by seeking immediate gratification in things that only numb the pain, acting as a method of avoidance or anesthesia. "We develop a tolerance to them and require more, only to grow increasingly frustrated and empty. It is impossible to avoid pain; you must walk through it or it will wait for you around every corner. And it is impossible to numb pain; you must experience it fully to come out cleanly on the other side. The only suggestion worth heeding is the only path of true healing - Jesus Christ." (Armstrong, 2007, Happily Ever After)

Words of truth.

And yet I probably won't even be able to over-indulge in my passion for exercise much these days, as my new work schedule won't allow as much time at the gym. Oh well, can't complain. The more I work, the more I earn, the more money I save, and the sooner I establish a steady income, the sooner I can...do some things. But I am definitely making room for this Body Combat class. At least once a week. No more dough ball. Not today, anyway. Hoooooaahhh!!

 

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Regulars

Now that I've been working my new job at Starbucks for over two weeks, I feel like I am finally getting into the "groove" of things a little bit more, and can start making theological analogies in my comments here about my experiences there. That wasn't going to happen my first couple weeks there; trying to learn the complex Starbucks-Ian language of drink recipes and standard procedures made me feel like a rat thrown onto a spinning exercise wheel, just spinning my little legs trying to keep up. And that was a weird analogy. But now I'm a bit more relaxed as I walk in for my shift, tying the strings of my green apron, and enjoying the familiar swooshing sound of the espresso machine as it steams the milk for a latte or Cappucino. Ahhhh, a lovely sound.

Of all the many new things I'm learning on this job, knowing who the regulars are and what they order has been stressed as something very important to remember. The regulars keep the business going, so be nice to them, remember their names and their favorite drinks, serve them well. I was surprised how many regular customers come in there, every day, even more than once a day, to enjoy their favorite expensive beverages. And they usually have some very specific, high-maintenance specifications to go with them.

Of course we cheerfully grant their requests as quickly and efficiently as possible, serving them up with a gracious smile, but as I begin to recognize these familiar faces and their corresponding ridiculously complicated drink requirements, I also sense which ones grate on my fellow employees' nerves the most. What's funny about this is that we're usually all wearing these headsets which allow us to take orders from the drive-thru as well as quietly communicate with the other "partners" (Starbucks word for employees) on our shift, without having to yell across the building. So as an example, I'm beginning to ring up an order tonight from this guy who always brings in his own two personal cups for him & his wife, (to get the personal cup discount of about 13 cents) and always orders the same thing. On my headset this guy ("partner") in the back doing dishes is listing off this guy's order a split-second before the customer says it, so it's like an echo, and I'm trying as hard as I can to keep a straight face but that's impossible for me so I'm busting out laughing and apologizing to the customer, saying I'm just new here and having some trouble...as I key in the decaf tall mocha latte with nonfat milk and no whip, then the regular grande mocha with whole milk and no whip... But what's worse is when these employees start talking junk about these regulars over the headsets, in a quiet voice, in some pretty colorful language, and then turning back around and handing the person their drink with a big phony smile. Interesting.

 

 

Makes me wonder, in my usual divergent thinking mode, if this is how our Lord feels about us when we pray sometimes. Minus the colorful language, of course, but I just wonder if he ever gets a bit fed-up with us "regulars" who come crawling to the throne of grace, time and time again, with our usual set of predictable prayers. Like, "oh no, here she comes again, I know exactly what she's going to say." And now, forgive me as I stretch the boundaries of theological knowledge a bit, but suppose Jesus is the one wearing a drive-thru-style headset, greeting us, the customers, while God the Father sits on his throne, making comments to Jesus as they together receive our prayers. (I know, I'm thoroughly aware of what the holy Trinity is all about, but just humor me here...) And so God looks down and might comment to his Son, "oh this guy's the long-winded guy, he'll start with some heartfelt praise & worship that he'll sing off-key, then he'll go through a very structured format of confession, prayers of thanks, then prayers for wisdom and depending on which day of the week it is, he'll pray for world leaders, missionaries, distant relatives, school teachers and firefighters, his favorite sports team, wisdom, a future wife and then whatever physical ailment he has going on this week. Oh and this next person comes by about once a month or so, after she messes up another relationship and promises she'll be good if we'll just grant her this one request..". I wonder if the all-holy, omnipotent God ever gets harsh in his comments to Jesus about us, to which the all-loving, merciful Christ breaks in with his usual words of grace, reminding the Father of the great love He has for us, that no matter how badly we've acted and even though He knows we'll still mess up again, He will still love us and not even remember what we did in the past.

Now if we could just learn to have that kind of mercy and grace on those annoying people in our lives...those "regulars" who keep placing those demands on us, and to serve them up with a smile. And a perfectly crafted latte.

(dog photo, random, I know, just couldn't resist a daily shot of cuteness!!!)

 

 

 

 

 

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Teaching my girl some boxing...sort of.

on http://7sec.co/v/3eVB

Loved this dance last night...

Check out @cdm7rn's Tweet: https://twitter.com/cdm7rn/status/375114682698579968

Synesthesia

Perhaps I need to move to a music-free planet.

I would lower my expectations, stop being such a dreamer.

Learn to understand the Practical ones.

Even talk and act like them.

Instead of this crazy emotional spazzy sap

I'd live a reasonable life

Based on facts and evidence,

Not feelings.

Not silly whims,

Or shrieks of energy

In bright colors that don't match.

Life would be a simple equation of reasonable choices.

Just keep my hands off the music.

Just say no.

 

 

 

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Why i do this

I found this quote by one of my long-time heroes, Martha Graham, early pioneer of modern dance. Explains why it is not only a pleasure to follow our dreams, but our responsibility.

Martha Graham puts it this way: “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is transmitted through you into action, and because there is only one of you, in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is or how valuable or how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.” — Martha Graham, Quoted by Agnes DeMille, Martha: The Life and Work of Martha Graham

This is why i must write, or dance, draw, create. Even when it gets dark & the message it sends is uncomfortably gloomy. This is who i am. To not write my honest thoughts would not be true to who i am.  My thoughts & dreams may be silly & immature to some, if that also describes who i am, then so be it. As my mother once said, you are a new person every day. Some days i am peter pan in never-never land. And i guess that's ok.

And that's my rant for today.

Dark night

Sometimes i wish i could just fast-forward to Heaven. This world holds nothing for me but grief & sadness.