Rom.

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Just trying out this copy-paste thing...

Working

Working to escape
Escape sadness, heartache, pain
Almost don't feel it

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Why must i  complicate my brain so much about something that to my heart is so simple?? #nobrainer #heartknowledge

Lyrics to run by...

Oh how He loves us....

Always..
I look unto the hills..
My God will always save me

(Uh oh, shady figure comin round the bend...got my roundhouse/muay thai shove kick ready..fists tight, fingers ready to gouge eyeballs...whew! False alarm...not really a song but...)

Holy holy holy You are holy...

Open the floodgates of heaven
Let it rain, let it rain

I feel the rains of Your love
I feel the winds of Your Spirit....

Let it rain..
Open up, open up........

I need You, Lord.

We wanna see You, show us your glory

You are peace, you are peace
When my fear is crippling....

I:m running to Your arms...

Nothing compares...

My heart will sing
No other name
Jesus, jesus

Sweatdrops ony keypad...
Running into a tree
Multi-tasking run & write...

Just wanna stay in these woods
Forever with You Lord.
World, traffic go away.

Beautiful Savior.

Words. Haiku.

Swept out some more words.
Tidied up the heart. A bit.
Scratching the surface.

30 days to live

 

If I had just 30 days to live...

I would have to solve a dichotomy in a super-fast mode of action: How to pursue the passions of my heart, not holding back, leaving no regrets... and yet... being true and honest and faithful and good to those I love and who have loved me and served as my family while on this earth.

How to do this? Must unlock the secrets of my heart, spill out both its goodness and its ugliness, pray for acceptance and understanding from others, commit to still love and care for those special people, those I consider my brothers and sisters, my own flesh and blood. To seek the best for them. And then still be true to my own heart and go after those good things that stir up a sense of heaven on earth inside of me.

Then I can die in peace.

 

 

 

 

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Random thought

I love seeing people as weird as i am.

Tunneling to the center of the earth

Hello again! If you are re-visiting this post, feel free to fast-forward past this next paragraph and meet me back at the other side. If you're just dropping in, welcome!

Disclaimer: As the title suggests, the following post includes some deeper, darker moments of my journey. No surprise. But Take Heart!!! One Day.....One Day, I tell you...I shall write about more uplifting things. I want to be that inspirational blogger that people go to when they need encouragement, when they need to hear that someone has been there where they've been, and not only lived through it, but hung onto Jesus and made it victoriously to the other side. Ok, maybe not a Rocky moment, but a testimony to what God can do when we really let Him into our dark sides, to let Him change us from the inside out and make us doubly more useful in His ministry on this earth than if we just settled for a quiet, unobtrusive, slightly comfortable but never fully satisfied or genuine life. Yes, brighter days are ahead, and I intend on holding on and trusting the Lord to bring me there. And then I will have more encouraging things to say. For now, I just have to be real as I walk through the trenches.

My thought today is that I feel as if I am tunneling to the center of the earth. Going deeper and deeper, through the issues, past the mild discontent, into the ugly places, to a very dark place. Wouldn't it be easier..to just turn around and steer back to the shallow "crust" of my former life? Just ignore the discontent, the lukewarm condition of my soul, wiping away the worms of decay that keep creeping up and falling in my eyes. Smile and pretend everything's fine. Live an easier life, even if I knew deep inside that I'm ignoring God's call to seek Him with my WHOLE heart?!! Isn't putting in a few hours of ministry here & there enough, Lord, to show the world that I'm a fruitful Christian...but wait, how can a tree bear fruit if its roots are tangled in darkness and decaying from unfixed dysfunctions? So much easier to self-medicate my hungry heart with the temporary relief of worldly distractions. But no, I must keep going deeper. If I pop up too soon, the blinding light of reality will whack me back down like a painful game of Wac-a-Mole. If I try to sit in a shallow place, the fires of my discontent will simmer and boil like lava, till all at once I explode like a volcano, resulting in scalding pain to myself and those I love.

So tunnel I must. But I will not be alone... And I quote from a devotional by Kristin Armstrong:

"...if God had no special plans for me or no interest in refining and strengthening me, He would never go to these lengths....He was apparently supervising my growth. It made me want to please Him by responding well to His spiritual boot camp. I figured as long as it was going to hurt anyway, as long as I was committed to doing the work, I may as well go as deep as possible. He kept His word and saved me out of this distant place." -Kristin Armstrong

Who knows where my "distant place" will be, when I finally see the light at the end of this tunnel. God knows. And He will be with me always.

"I will surely save you out of a distant place...I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you but only with justice." Jeremiah 30:10-11

 

 

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float and sting

Next time I go to my Thursday morning Body Combat class, I think I'd better swing by my friendly Starbucks drive-thru for a quad-shot pumpkin spice latte first. Yesterday morning I was so pumped about finally getting the morning off from work so I could attend class, so feeling the fierce, beast juice in my soul, ready to fight, but apparently my body was still asleep during the first boxing track. We were galloping to the front mirror doing this boxing warm-up and suddenly I tripped over my feet and went cartwheeling through the air, caught my image in the mirror of a spastic donkey with her dukes up and cracked up in pure hilarity and embarrassment. Fortunately I barely caught myself from splatting across the floor, though no one said a thing, except for kindly Rob's "you ok, love?" in his funny, slightly British accent. I was more careful after that. Definitely need more caffeine next time to help me float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Needed to sprinkle these clumsy feet with the holy water of a 5-shot espresso.

 

 

 

 

So we did a fun mixture of boxing, capoeira (ginga & esquivas) and karate. In the karate track, we learned this cool "creeping" move that took some coordination: creeping forward in sort of a crouch position, arms moving through guard positions with each step, then snap-kicking back and front. hiii-yah!!! Made me feel like one of my kitty-cats back home, only in a sleek black ninja suit instead of their furry ginger-ness. Meow!!'

"You're looking real bad-***, Mad Cary Moms!!!" came the heartfelt compliment of Mr. Rob.

Worked on our speed jabs and power hooks, me still trying to stay on my feet and not make an idiot out of myself again.

 

Love this class. Gets the FIGHT out of me. Now my boxing club is going to start a fight team, dividing into weight classes. I'm wondering if chicks are welcome. I'm only curious, of course. Just asking for a friend.

Speaking of fighting, the phrase "Fight, Flight, or Freeze" came up during my "expensive conversation" I had with someone this morning. When faced with extreme difficulty or terror, our response tends to fall into one of those three "F" words. For me, I am now moving a little more into the "fight" mode, thanks to these classes I'm taking. But I also spend plenty of time in the "flight" mode, where I revert to escapism to avoid my problems by indulging in excessive music, art, humor, exercise or even working too much. The third, "freeze" mode, is something I've done for much too long. My method of "freezing" involves pasting on a happy mommy face, pretending everything's fine, going through the motions, agreeing with everyone when really inside I want to shout and argue, keeping quiet when I want to roar like Katy Perry, that sort of thing.

So what's the answer to the problem, or the correct way to respond? That's what I'm working on. This life is my school. my struggle bus. I'm riding it, drinking my pumpking spice lattes, and throwing a few punches now & then.

that's all for now!

:-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know ow ow why

 

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Big Wheel

I used to be a grown-up

Made reasonable choices

Stopped at all the red lights

Made careful 90 degree turns

No accelerating on curves

No swerving

Those days are gone.

Now i'm a wild kid on a

Big Wheel

Rumbling plastic

Careening down theDriveways of life

Forgetting those restraints of

Caution, time, good sense

Ignoring those calls forDinnertime

Flinging myself over the

Bumps and

Crying

When i get hurt.

 

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