Runaway

 

Ooooh, she's a little runaway...

Yes, that's me. Or it would be me. Again. If not for my kids. Thank God for them.

But history can and will repeat itself if left untreated. What comes around, goes around.

First time at 21.

Born again for 2 years.

But as the sickness of heart returned, & I lost at love again

My love walk with the Lord became a duty walk.

Was an active member of my college Christian campus organization, surrounded by young happy believers, happily walking the walk, yet I wondered why they shined while I was so torn up inside. So come the next heartbreak, when I didn't get what I wanted,

I was gone. Flew the coop.

Moved out of fellowship

& into the party village, an apartment of potheads. Became one of them. (sorry for the labeling, it's just what we were called back then) Sororities, frats & bars were my new fellowship.

Could hide my heart and try to find common ground with those not-so-squeaky-clean, less spiritual ones.

Sometimes would see the old Christian crowd on campus, would cross the street, avert my eyes, try to avoid having to explain my sudden change.

Eventually came around again, 2 years later, returned to the flock, though many had graduated, moved on.

Felt odd. Still I committed to walk the straight & narrow...

Really tried to keep a genuine faith walk, matured in some ways....

but...Apparently...

one closet door had remained shut.

All these years.

Now the monster's trying to get out

to show me what I'm lacking

and I just want to run.

Sing it, Bon Jovi....

 

 

 

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A & B

Recently I realized that there are 2 types of people in my little world:

A- those people who intimidate me to some degree, and

B- those who do not.

The "A" types, (not necessarily "type A" personalities, but typically they often are that way...) always create an uneasy response in me. At one extreme, when these type A's are being especially confrontational, adamant, forceful, unbending...I become like a deer in the headlights: paralyzed with fear, my mind goes blank, I stumble, I panic, I do whatever they want, I freeze, my brain shuts down, I become a robot without any personality or rational thought processes. When these type A people are acting friendly but still very type A-ish and a bit patronizing, I may still find myself giving in to their self-created authority on things, and I act stupid, or ask dumb questions that I could easily figure out myself if I wasn't feeling so "dumbed-down" by the intimidating presence of this type A person.

Type B's, on the other hand, are the people whom I can relax with, those who I can let my guard down with, those whose presence is calming, gives me a sense of "ahhhh". Those people are the ones I can act silly in front of, and yet still think and accomplish tasks with confidence and creativity.

Over time, the type A's may not make me feel AS intimidating to me, but they will never become part of the B group. Their nature remains the same.

My goal: to learn to relax around these types of people, to speak words of truth and encouragement to myself in their presence, and to kindly assert myself and speak the truth to these people, to say what I need to say, do the things I need to do. No more fear.

just some observations.

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Longings

from a devotional on iBelieve.com, I quote Renee Fisher:

"It's ok to have unfulfilled longings. I am confident God allows our desires to go unmet for many reasons, one of which is because He wants to be the one to satisfy our deepest desires and longings."

(end quote)

That said, I would much rather live openly and honestly re: my unfulfilled longings, rather than maintain a false status, pretending it's fulfilled when it's not. I would rather swim through the ebb and flow of finding fulfillment in Christ alone, than bob around in the shallow water in a plastic, leaky life vest.

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Rom.

http://instagram.com/p/fLDM6dM1wF/

Just trying out this copy-paste thing...

Working

Working to escape
Escape sadness, heartache, pain
Almost don't feel it

Tweet

Why must i  complicate my brain so much about something that to my heart is so simple?? #nobrainer #heartknowledge

Lyrics to run by...

Oh how He loves us....

Always..
I look unto the hills..
My God will always save me

(Uh oh, shady figure comin round the bend...got my roundhouse/muay thai shove kick ready..fists tight, fingers ready to gouge eyeballs...whew! False alarm...not really a song but...)

Holy holy holy You are holy...

Open the floodgates of heaven
Let it rain, let it rain

I feel the rains of Your love
I feel the winds of Your Spirit....

Let it rain..
Open up, open up........

I need You, Lord.

We wanna see You, show us your glory

You are peace, you are peace
When my fear is crippling....

I:m running to Your arms...

Nothing compares...

My heart will sing
No other name
Jesus, jesus

Sweatdrops ony keypad...
Running into a tree
Multi-tasking run & write...

Just wanna stay in these woods
Forever with You Lord.
World, traffic go away.

Beautiful Savior.

Words. Haiku.

Swept out some more words.
Tidied up the heart. A bit.
Scratching the surface.

30 days to live

 

If I had just 30 days to live...

I would have to solve a dichotomy in a super-fast mode of action: How to pursue the passions of my heart, not holding back, leaving no regrets... and yet... being true and honest and faithful and good to those I love and who have loved me and served as my family while on this earth.

How to do this? Must unlock the secrets of my heart, spill out both its goodness and its ugliness, pray for acceptance and understanding from others, commit to still love and care for those special people, those I consider my brothers and sisters, my own flesh and blood. To seek the best for them. And then still be true to my own heart and go after those good things that stir up a sense of heaven on earth inside of me.

Then I can die in peace.

 

 

 

 

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Random thought

I love seeing people as weird as i am.