A cold-sensitive introvert with anxiety, panic issues, phobias of large crowds & heights & no interest in team sports should not have to go to a Hurricanes game. Just sayin.
Like a sheep being led to the slaughter...
I open not my mouth. (It's frozen shut, teeth chattering...)
Please take a couple minutes and enjoy this bit of inspiration:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=b8VoUYtx0kw&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Db8VoUYtx0kw%26feature%3Dyoutu.be
Love it. I may not be where I want to be, but there is a ray of hope.
Haiku:
sweaty combat class
shower, pouring rain, these are
all places to hide.
_______________
Lyrics on the way to the gym...just like a one-winged dove....even the best fall down sometimes, even wrong words seem to rhyme, stars refuse to shine.....joke was on me, cold, hard ground...(reminds me, yes, the joke was on me. why does a mind & a heart refuse to believe what it doesn't want to believe?) Then at the gym, 3 songs by Fall Out Boy. Feeling like Fall Out Girl here.
New and old techniques in combat class: e-kick, ascending & descending elbow strikes, baller brawl, or is it ball brawler, or just brawler, i dunno, more complex karate combos: punch, guard, back kick, knee...
"Imagine your opponent...target the nose, lip, and chin.." (oh yes, I'm imagining it...don't even get me started!) Feeling especially mean today. Like the fire in me for fighting is no longer sweetened with niceness. nope. goodbye miss nice guy. ok, i'm still nice for my kids & my kitties, a few others, but today, i'm seeing the bad & the ugly side.
Why do I even do this? I can stop certain habits, but this one, I can't stop it. It's like I'm a muse to myself. Gotta throw my words out there. It's a faith thing. Like prayer. I know there's a God up there who hears my prayers and cares. And somehow I like to believe that there's a kindred spirit out there who hears and cares about this garbage, too. Even a complete stranger in Botswana or Tokyo or Berlin. doesn't matter. I really should start writing novels. Fiction about criminals, murder, adventure, death, emotional drama, get this stuff out of my head and into anonymous characters who don't really exist. But sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
And time for another expensive conversation. At least one real person hears me. and cares.
Minutes & inches from a car crash destroying me
Other car dies one day after getting it fixed. While at a Bible study.
Microwave dies.
Roof leaks.
My heart dies.
All in 24 hours.
Coincidence?
Or spiritual attack?
Ooooh, she's a little runaway...
Yes, that's me. Or it would be me. Again. If not for my kids. Thank God for them.
But history can and will repeat itself if left untreated. What comes around, goes around.
First time at 21.
Born again for 2 years.
But as the sickness of heart returned, & I lost at love again
My love walk with the Lord became a duty walk.
Was an active member of my college Christian campus organization, surrounded by young happy believers, happily walking the walk, yet I wondered why they shined while I was so torn up inside. So come the next heartbreak, when I didn't get what I wanted,
I was gone. Flew the coop.
Moved out of fellowship
& into the party village, an apartment of potheads. Became one of them. (sorry for the labeling, it's just what we were called back then) Sororities, frats & bars were my new fellowship.
Could hide my heart and try to find common ground with those not-so-squeaky-clean, less spiritual ones.
Sometimes would see the old Christian crowd on campus, would cross the street, avert my eyes, try to avoid having to explain my sudden change.
Eventually came around again, 2 years later, returned to the flock, though many had graduated, moved on.
Felt odd. Still I committed to walk the straight & narrow...
Really tried to keep a genuine faith walk, matured in some ways....
but...Apparently...
one closet door had remained shut.
All these years.
Now the monster's trying to get out
to show me what I'm lacking
and I just want to run.
Sing it, Bon Jovi....
Recently I realized that there are 2 types of people in my little world:
A- those people who intimidate me to some degree, and
B- those who do not.
The "A" types, (not necessarily "type A" personalities, but typically they often are that way...) always create an uneasy response in me. At one extreme, when these type A's are being especially confrontational, adamant, forceful, unbending...I become like a deer in the headlights: paralyzed with fear, my mind goes blank, I stumble, I panic, I do whatever they want, I freeze, my brain shuts down, I become a robot without any personality or rational thought processes. When these type A people are acting friendly but still very type A-ish and a bit patronizing, I may still find myself giving in to their self-created authority on things, and I act stupid, or ask dumb questions that I could easily figure out myself if I wasn't feeling so "dumbed-down" by the intimidating presence of this type A person.
Type B's, on the other hand, are the people whom I can relax with, those who I can let my guard down with, those whose presence is calming, gives me a sense of "ahhhh". Those people are the ones I can act silly in front of, and yet still think and accomplish tasks with confidence and creativity.
Over time, the type A's may not make me feel AS intimidating to me, but they will never become part of the B group. Their nature remains the same.
My goal: to learn to relax around these types of people, to speak words of truth and encouragement to myself in their presence, and to kindly assert myself and speak the truth to these people, to say what I need to say, do the things I need to do. No more fear.
just some observations.
from a devotional on iBelieve.com, I quote Renee Fisher:
"It's ok to have unfulfilled longings. I am confident God allows our desires to go unmet for many reasons, one of which is because He wants to be the one to satisfy our deepest desires and longings."
(end quote)
That said, I would much rather live openly and honestly re: my unfulfilled longings, rather than maintain a false status, pretending it's fulfilled when it's not. I would rather swim through the ebb and flow of finding fulfillment in Christ alone, than bob around in the shallow water in a plastic, leaky life vest.
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