Sunday, November 10, 2013

New creature

I recently heard a snippet of a message that basically asked if, when bad things happen, do you go back to being the "old creature", resorting to old bad habits, escapism, (partying, carousing comes to miond) or do I remember the New Creature that I am in Christ? And now I realize that it's not the old skin of my 'old, old, old self', that I need to avoid, the one that was into "that scene" way back then. No, I've dug up that old grave long enough in giving my testimony many times over the years. Those days are pretty much gone. Thank God. The old skin that NOW tries to creep back up on me, is the more subtle evil of the church face/yes-girl skin. The attempted squeaky-clean, submissive, wholesome Christian woman image I've tried to become on the outside by emulating what I saw around me in various Christian circles. Just trying to keep up, save face. Tried to be what I was told a good Christian girl, wife, mother should look like, talk like, walk like, even if it meant saying "yes" to a lot of things when I really meant NO, just because I didn't want to rock the boat or hurt anyone's feelings. Didn't want to draw attention to myself for being "different", or too silly or immature to fit in with my playgroup cohorts. Also just wanted the security of acceptance and an easier life. But it was a lie. A lie that bought me a much more diffricult life, a life of trying so hard to maintain an image that I forgot who I really was inside, and became frozen, unable to feel my deepest emotions. I cannot, I will not go back to that. No matter what it takes, I will trust God to see me through this storm and to live the life of a true, whole-hearted person. There used to be a commercial for peanut butter that went "Choosy moms choose Jif!" Well I want to be that "choosy" mom who "chooses" to be who God created me to be. No more losing my identity in these roles I play. I need the freedom to be choosy, not to just say 'yes' to whoever tries to choose for me. I need to become more of who I am, more fulfilled, gaining my true self by being 100% complete in Christ alone, not losing my identity and shrinking like I've done for so long.
My new creature. Freedom in Christ. Abundant life. Wholeness. Peace. These are the good things I am seeking. Not a Barbie doll facade.
 
 
 
 

 

Why izzit

Why is it...that the people i work with, who know almost nothing about my personal life, have seen more of the real me, the happy silly side, than the people i live next to, worship with, or swap kids for play dates with? (And yes i know i just ended 3 phrases with a dangling preposition, my bad...)  is it because they don't know the ordinary roles i play..or bevause i don't feel judgement or expectations from them? Maybe because they're all so young & it's refreshing to be around people where my silliness fits right in. I'm so tired of being a boring person. 

short prayer

Dear Lord,

Show me what to do. There's nothing in your word that specifically addresses my odd situation. Is there a modified version of the Bible for us alternative, indy freaks? I don't fit in your mainstream audience.

just wondering.

 

Friday, November 8, 2013

peace or numbness

sometimes i think

that

if

1. it wouldn't hurt anyone

and

2. i weren't afraid of pain

i might do something drastic.

there.

i feel better already.

just getting that thought out of my head.

 

Friday night haiku and beyond..

God, I'm so broken.

If I had a time machine

I'd change a few things.

**********************

Sometimes I can't play music

because music touches my soul

and if my soul is stirred

to recognize

those feelings of love,

passion, & happiness....

I'll just cry more.

So I'll keep my soul quiet

and cold.

It's safer that way.

*****************

I need a miracle, Lord.

Not just another Bible verse. (sorry)

Please Lord.

I need You now.

***************

If I must name a song

that expresses how I feel right now,

the only thing

I can imagine

that would bring me relief,

it would be the song

Break Away by Kelly Clarkson:

....Dreaming of what could be

And if I'd end up happy

I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze

Sleep under a palm tree

Feel the rush of the ocean

Get onboard a fast train

Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)

And breakaway....

I'll spread my wings

And I'll learn how to fly

Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye

I gotta take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget the place I come from

I gotta take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

******************************************

the end.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Ready 4 the fight

Fast car, black coffee, very loud guns n roses' welcome to the jungle ....getting pumped for the fight. Body Combat class, that is. More later. I am ready. Bring it on.

Awkward locker room moment : woman compliments the "cute sassy skirt-thing" i'm still wearing just as i'm about to...um, put on my towel. #thanksnowGETOUT!!! Sorry. Just made me laugh.More later. Having fun on my day off!!!

Why izzit...I seem to do my best writing in the car? in this mess, closed in, music playing, no other distractions.

So Body Combat class. Nothing new or earth-shaking, just a few observations as my mind is free to take off on an adventure during my most favoritest hour of the week.

Warm-up, boxing moves combined with lots of cardio footwork, get the heart pumping. On the half-jacks, when we're doing our criss-cross jumps that make our upper half all jiggly, Robb makes the usual comment, the very same comment he says Every. Single. Time. And that's about how we're welcome to cross our arms over our chest if we want, but don't worry, "it's not gonna change my world a bit" I don't know why but for some reason this always just makes me crack up. Maybe it's because I'm working so hard at getting into my fierce, concentrated fighter zone, but whatever it is, even though he says it Every. Single. Time. (just to make sure all female participants are aware of his gender preference so they don't try stalking him, I guess, i mean, plllease...) ...it still has me face down, staring at the floor to try to cover up the crazed, face-splitting grin of a giggle I've got going on, that just gets worse the harder I try to hold it in. Doesn't make sense. I'm usually 99.99999% in control at concealing what I'm really feeling behind a quiet, neutral poker-face. Things just slide by me; I'm unaffected. (seemingly) But every now and then...like in this class when I'm trying so hard to keep in the RAGE I'm feeling during these fighting tracks...every now and then I get thrown off by a silly joke nobody else even thinks is funny, but I'm practically doubling over, laughing till my sides hurt and milk is spurting out my nostrils and I can't breathe and there's no sound coming out of me for ten minutes.. I love that kind of a good laugh, normally. Reminds me of my dad. He's a very quiet person too, and usually he'll sit all stoic-like at dinner time and not say a word, not participating in the wacky conversations our crazy family of 7 used to have, when all of a sudden he'd start smirking, then doing this silent shaking laugh till the tears are streaming down his face, still no sound, and when we'd ask him to tell us the random joke that just came to his mind while we were talking about something else, it was way more hilarious just to watch him try to retell it, struggling, while still laughing out of control, than the joke was itself.

I have other emotions that hit me like that, too. When I'm least expecting it. I don't go around looking for trouble, but when it finds me, my world stops.

But back to BC.

My favorite kick track: Drummer Boy. We stand on one leg in the beginning, other leg extended to the side, thighs shaking, during this long intro, as Alesha Dixon and her band yell....

"I think I need a better drummerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" " Say what?" "I said, I think I need a better drummerrrrrrrr!!!!!" " Ho!" (watch the body combat video here...hope it works..)

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=i%20need%20a%20drummer%20boy%20body%20combat&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCsQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D2nLCz6UHhNo&ei=H-R7UsDaA4r4kQfvqIHQDg&usg=AFQjCNGVQCOE7zcTYadgWqmWjAeSG5mGew&sig2=APQQfxe-vAkadn3zvmvT1w&bvm=bv.56146854,d.eW0

Another favorite, the muay thai track to "Speed". Like the above video, I know I've posted this one before, but it's still cool...

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=speed%20body%20combat%20&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCkQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DRF_eZy5bGlk&ei=LeV7Ur6VLJCqkAeE04HoAQ&usg=AFQjCNEQ48317M8pXGVyyenQhM6-UNFsZg&sig2=4b8PtROV2vmTaN9lq5kvkw&bvm=bv.56146854,d.eW0

I love this song "speed", but today I'm feeling I need something stronger, wilder, to keep up with my inner demons that are flying around this gym...

Instructor's helpful hints on the elbow strikes: "keep the hands relaxed, picture yourself drawing an 'X' across your opponent's face with your elbows." and "Cut him open!!!!!" well said, Robb.

Big highlight of class- the jump kicks. He breaks them down, explaining them well, and assures us it's ok to just step and kick, and many people do just that. But to me, these jump kicks are like the stuff dreams are made of, so I'm all into it. Having to pace myself though, getting out of breath after a few big ones. Would reeeeeeeeeeeeeally love to do one of these at work sometime... (did I just say that? my bad...)

Another funny moment that gives me the giggles- Class splits in 2, facing each other. Boxing moves traveling towards each other at the center and then jogging back. I'm behind this big mirrored pillar holding up the ceiling. We're doing right and left hooks, and every time I lean right to hook right, the chick facing me on the other side of the pillar leans that way too, then left and she pops out the other side like a game of peek-a-boo with a baby and I don't even know this girl but we're supposed to be taking this seriously but this game is making me giddy all over again...awkward..put on poker face, back into fight mode...

I guess it's just one of those introvert things. Concealing the emotions, having an awareness of our environment without showing it. usually. Like the proverbial teacher who has "eyes on the back of her head" we can perceive stuff/people around us without looking at them. Then other times I am as blind and oblivious as a bat without radar, scrambling furiously to find my sunglasses that are on top of my head.

And if you're still reading this, congratulations, this is just a silly mind-burp of silly junk I noticed today. Deeper stuff to come, later. :)

 

 

 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Tweet i liked

One of the primary regrets of the dying is they didn't speak their minds. Let no fear silence you. Speak with kindness, but speak.

I just liked this. Wouldn't want it misinterpreted by the outspoken type who find more than enough excuses to spout off their opinions already,  but i treasure what it says to people like me, seeking authenticity & living/speaking from a whole heart.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Tomorrow

Today i want to quit. Tell my managers what i think of them. And quit.

But tomorrow is a new day.

Today i want to quit this fight, this journey i'm on.

But tomorrow is a new day.

Today i want to move to a foreign country,  homeschool my kids under a palm tree & sell bananas & coconuts for a living.

Tomorrow..... (i may still want to do that.....) but it's a new day.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.  (Psalm-something )

Bring on the joy, Lord, my hands are open. Heart broken. Feet willing.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

deeper than an ocean

As much as I love the beach...

the rolling waves, the salty ocean spray in the breeze, the warm sand,

...the endless mass of blue mystery...

its beauty cannot fulfill the longing for connection inside my heart.

Have a seat, Lord, and fill that space within me. Amen.
 
 

 

Permission

What I want: Permission......

to stop pretending,

to protect my heart,

to withhold.....when it doesn't feel right.

Permission to choose...

to say NO to things I don't prefer,

to say YES to the dreams God has planted in my heart...and I Know that they're from God because the've always been there and the more I seek the Lord and draw near to Him, the more these dreams are illuminated, set ablaze in my heart again.

Just a permission slip. that's all.