Superhero

As the mask falls off, piece by piece, I realize it's ok to just be me.  And I grieve for the sin, the hurt I placed on people I fooled by being a false self.  And I grieve for the sin of not trusting God more, for trying to put Him in a box, as if he were just a plastic action figure on a shelf, unable to truly help me in my time of emergency.  I know, now, Lord, that Jesus, You Are My Superhero!!!

#trust

joy comes in the morning

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.    Psalm 13

This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”   Nehemiah 8:10

                     

bah humbug

  upping the prozac this time of year...

 

fa la la la la, la la la la!

 

imagery

 

grounds in my coffee

Here I am again, throwing up (not literally) more stuff from my life at starbucks.  How weird is it that I can actually say that i love my job there? very weird.  My reasons for working there- getting me out of the house, number one.  Earning some independent cash, number two, and hopefully saving some for future things, like kids' braces, college fund, etc, etc, etc.


But what I love most is the people.  I learn so much from all these conversations and hilarious adventures with some of the strangest characters I have met in my life.  Here's a few more examples of recent lessons learned:

1. Pursue your passions, no matter what it takes.   So there's this guy I work with who's a musician.  Used to be in a band, now does some recording on his own.  I was leaned over the sink washing dishes one night, and he comes over with his mac air book with this cool music recording software up on it, and he's playing a demo of some piece he created.  Similar program to the Garage Band app I used to play around with, but seemingly more complicated.  He thought it was cool I used to do that kind of stuff, why did I stop? I say this job came along, I got too busy.  And he tells me that he has a piano keyboard that connects to this little mac book air, and so on his 30-minute lunch breaks from this place he goes out to his car and records music in his car on this thing, just sitting there in the parking lot!  I can picture it now, cars zooming in and out of the parking spaces beside him, see this guy hunched over in the back seat, shoving a sandwich in his mouth with one hand, playing tunes on the keyboard with the other, head bobbing to the beat in his head....Where there's a will, there's a way.  Pursue your passions.  I like that kind of determination.  Creativity that has to be tapped into, no matter what.

 

2. Go where the waves are.  This bald dude with thick-framed intellectual-ish  glasses used to come in frequently, would chat a bit, could call him a regular.  Then one night he says farewell, he's going back to Wilmington, he was just here for work for awhile.  He is actually a surfer and lives in Wilmington so he can surf at Wrightsville Beach, all. year. long.  Wears a wet suit and even the little booties when the temperature drops to a certain degrees.  Passionate, die-hard surfer.  Grew up in Southern Cali, surfed the Pacific, don't know what brought him here, but he planted himself by the waves and it's his life. work is secondary.  I ask a couple simple questions and he dives into a description of his 13 different surfboards, varying lengths for different conditions, and describes the science of waves in different parts of the world, etc, pretty interesting stuff.  Love how he expresses his love for the sport:  "when you're on that wave, it's like Prozac, man..."  ahh, yes.  I know the feeling. (in more ways than one)  When you've got water in your bones, you just gotta go where the waves are.  It's my dream.  one day...

  

3. Prepare for the fight.  One more interesting customer recently.  This trainer at the boxing gym I attend now and then...for my own, uh, training. (I just love that word training, it sounds so fighter-esque..)  Anyway, he's standing around waiting for his eggnog latte, so we're chatting, he asks about my thanksgiving, i say i was here working, i ask him if he's doing any fighting lately, and he says he's got a fight coming up that he's training for.  "cool", I say, "when is it?" , thinking it's like, next week or something.  "June", he replies.  June? I"m thinking, what? seriously?  that's six months away!  Relax, have some more eggnog, throw down a few  chocolate croissants.  You've got plenty of time to train later...
But of course it brings to mind some spiritual words of advice, in training for the spiritual battles in our own lives. So I google a few verse on that...

It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on high places. He teaches my hands to make war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze … I have pursued my enemies and overtaken them; neither did I turn back again till they were destroyed, I have wounded them, so that they were not able to rise; they have fallen under my feet. For You have armed me with strength for the battle; you have subdued under me those who rose up against me.” Psalm 18:32

             

2Timothy 2:5 An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules.

Ephesians 6:13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

New International Version (NIV)

The Need for Self-Discipline

24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.26 Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Love those verses.  Reminds me to train for the battle ahead. No air-boxing.  Live the life of an athlete, in constant training.  Feeding myself the healthy food of God's Word, and disciplining my spiritual muscles of faith day by day.  I'm not such a great example of that all the time, so I like these daily reminders that come percolating up at me through my daily grind.  yup, these are the things that speak to me loud...even louder, perhaps, than the expensive conversation I"m about to have this afternoon.  what's up, doc?  Can I still be friends with the monster who lives underneath my bed?  Can I get along with the voices inside of my head?  Think I could just throw on the green apron, I learn just as much.

later, alligator..



 

Brave

It's funny how my lowly job in a coffee shop has so many life lessons for this blog.  Cud to be chewed and spit back out.  Today's topic= being brave with your words.

My supervisors and managers at work have to be much braver than I feel I could ever be.  That's why they are in their position, and I plan to stay in mine, a barista.  These managers are the ones who have to address the  irate customers, soothing their anger yet not backing down from the company's policies.  They also get to confront the laziness of employees caught standing around chatting or checking their cell phones instead of working.  Sometimes they even have to ask customers to leave the building when they are acting badly.  Yes, even Starbucks employees get to be bouncers sometimes.  I've seen it happen.  Extremely rude,  disruptive, potty-mouthed individuals or people who bring in non-service dogs and refuse to take their dog outside.  I'd rather not be the person to have to confront stuff like that.  It's just too stressful.  Just give me a broom and let me play Cinderella in a back corner somewhere.  Or whip up a few frappucinos. Less confrontational. Low risk.







Yet there are times in all our lives when we need to be brave, to face the music, open up our mouths and let some words fall out.  I love how Sara Barreilles puts it in her song, I Wanna See You be Brave:

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

There are definitely areas in my life where I need to step up and be brave.  Let those words fall out.  I love the way she says that, the words falling out.  Notice she doesn't say to violently regurgitate the words, like a cat hacking out a hairball or someone projectile-spewing chunks like a missile.  No, when you know who you are, what your truth is, there's no need for a painful ejection of those words, they can just fall out.  Let them be what they are.  Regardless of how people react.  It is what it is.

Also reminds me of a devotional I read recently about boundaries. ahh yes, boundaries.  I could write blog posts for a whole year on that topic, but I think books have already been written on it. (thanks, Cloud & Townsend).  In order to be brave, we need to know where our boundaries lie.  The boundaries we need to set up in relationships.  Where we draw the lines.  I need to know that I know that I know where I stand, where I am clear on God's direction for me and who I am that He created.  Forgive me for my flagrant plagiarism, but here's a passage that sank deeply with me:

"Indecision and unclear boundaries are not from the Lord.  They give a foothold to the enemy, a place for him to gain advantage by default.  They cause us to dilute our yes, which compromises our sincerity and our impact.  If you aren't sure what God wants, take your time!  Be clear about your intent.  Think before you speak.  Pray before you commit one second of your time or one ounce of passion from your heart.  Align yourself with God, and give your words power to define the life you want.  Yes or no?"  (K. Armstrong)

This year of 2013 has been a year of testing my boundaries, jiggling them to see if they're in a solid place or if they were mistakenly placed where i think others wanted them to be, but really wasn't where God designed me to place them.  It's taken time to accept some of these realities, these painful truths of misplaced boundaries.  And as I process these things and pray about them, I know there is also coming a time when I need to be brave, to open up and let those words fall out.  To speak, no matter the consequences.  Am I afraid?  Dang right I am! Petrified.  Shaken to the core.  But will it be worth it, to finally be who I really am, to live and walk in truth? Absolutely.   Bring it on, 2014.  Time to be brave.  Even when I'm scared.


    

ice queen

I've recently been dubbed the "ice queen" at work.  Reason is I'm the one who just LOVES it when I get to refill our ice bins by filling up buckets of ice from the big monster ice machine in the back.  The ice cubes come shooting out of the top of the machine in big chunks which then, of course must be chunked apart by whacking them with the big hefty ice scoop, making a terrible, wonderful BANG! BANG! BANG! for everyone in the store to hear.  Sometimes I"ll be polite and wait until no one is trying to take a drive-thru order over the headsets before I whack away, but other times i just don't care.  It's so therapeutic after dealing with the craziness and irritable customers to just go back there and pound ice to my heart's content. And I know that even though I"m normally a quiet person there, my loud ice-banging does not go unnoticed.  On two separate occasions, and I kid you not, two separate managers have quietly, kindly, yet firmly spoken to me over my headset and said something like, "uh, could you please do something other than fill the ice bins right now, like maybe...stock the cups and lids?"  And I'll sheepishly shuffle back to the front and do something tedious & frustratingly soft & quiet like fumbling with plastic cup lids.  just not the same.  why the love for whacking ice?  I told this one manager that I should've been a drummer, i love hitting things so much, and he says that he actually is a drummer, was in a band called the Thunder Machine, which makes me snort, i dunno, that just struck me as funny...





So I was thinking about ice one day while smacking away..and the nickname of "ice queen" that this person gave me.  Of course my mind wanders off to all things metaphorical, and soon I'm thinking about icebergs. How icebergs, and ice, of course, are really just frozen water, but when they begin to melt, they can crash explosively into the ocean around them.  I'm thinking about how recently something in my own life is melting the ice around my own heart, causing huge explosive crashes in these deep waters all around me. These shifting chunks of ice, frozen for years, are now flinging into the sea, dangerously... dangerously close to the people around me. so what's next?  Do I try to protect these people, by trying to get colder and freezing up again?  But why, really?  Is it my fear of falling apart, and people seeing the real me??



All this is making me realize... that I'm not an easy person to get close to.  I have a kind of radar, like a bat, I suppose... There are those "safe" people who I know I can keep things shallow with, and then there are those "unsafe" ones - the ones who can see through my eyes- to "where the demons hide", where they can see "the beast inside" (thanks, Imagine Dragons)....  those who have the power to draw me out of my ice house and put me in an extremely vulnerable place...of trusting another human being, putting my very soul on the line--  oh God I can't do that, can't go there, even though i sometimes want to, my inner being craves to be held in an all-encompassing, all-knowing, let-me-cry-it-all-out-with-no-shame-or-holding back kind of mutual trust & surrender...but it's too scary.  I might let my feet be lifted off the ground - and then find out they're not strong enough or willing to hold me up- to go there into those dark place with me..

Jesus, melt my ice, catch my surrendered soul.



set a fire down in my soul
that i can't contain and i can't control
i want more of you God
i want more of you God

Drama-free December Drive

So I've decided to have myself a drama-free little December this year.  With all the busyness of the Christmas season, I don't have time for dredging up the deep dramatic dung of my darkest demonic dungeons during this time of ho-ho-ho-ing and decking the halls with dredlocks of dowdy decor. (ok so i was on a letter "d" roll, i'm over it...)

This month I'm gonna focus on keeping it light.  Make it merry for the family.  Make my list, check it twice, forget about who's naughty or nice, just spread good cheer, love, grace, and lots of chocolate and cha-ching! I even skipped my Body Combat class at the gym this morning so I could get some shopping done and avoid getting into that fierce fighter mode that always brings out those raw emotions best left covered in snow this time of year.  (snow and ice, that reminds me of another blog post I have swirling in my brain, i'm so ADD it's pathetic...oh look! a bunny!!!)  And I"m also feeling lazy and quite comfortable with just ignoring that little jiggle, that squishy belly lopping over my belt, as I cruise through the drive-thru for a peppermint mocha, shopping list in one hand, flipping the dials for something besides some of those annoying Christmas songs that should've died out 50 years ago.



That's where I went wrong.  the music.  If I'm trying to keep out of the depths, I have to avoid listening to music, because it will always lead me down that path, out of the safe swimming zone and into the scary places.  Not all music, but certain songs, I never know which ones will hit me when, but, they take me for a spin.  I've heard it said, something about happy people just hear the beat of the music, but when you're sad, you really hear the lyrics.  Sometimes that really stinks.

Today the song was "Drive", an oldie but goodie by the Cars.  Brought me back many, many years ago, and I know this dates me and I don't even care, but I was sitting in our family living room the night before I went off to college in a different town, and I was looking out the window, listening to that song on the radio.  Looking out at our little truck in the driveway, all packed up with pretty much all my earthly belongings, ready to head out to my very first home-away-from-home in a university dorm two hours away the next morning.  I was feeling a mix of emotions that night, nostalgia for the memories I was leaving behind...looking out at our familiar sidewalk where I'd ridden my bike back and forth between our house, the corner store and the swimming pool, every summer growing up.  Excitement and wide-eyed wonder about leaving home and all the fun things and new people I would soon encounter.   A bit of anxiety and homesickness, not knowing if I'd make new friends, missing the old friends and family, so much to think about.

At the time the song "Drive" didn't mean much to me, except who was going to give some girl a ride home from a party some night, right?   Yet even then it left a haunting impression on me...like it was speaking to my subconscious though I didn't even realize it.

(and I quote the song by the Cars...)

Who's gonna tell you when
it's too late
who's gonna tell you things
aren't so great

you can't go on, thinkin'
nothing's wrong, but bye
who's gonna drive you home
tonight

No, in my shallow, innocent, or at least blinded state of mind, I didn't get it. After all, wasn't I just a normal teenager so far? Well, maybe not that innocent, but definitely naive...

Little did I know... the trash I'd drag myself through,
just looking for love,
the parts of my soul I'd let get ripped away...
that devastating night...
vandalized. violated.
stripped of any last ounce of moral control.
Who was there to drive me home?

who's gonna pick you up
when you fall
who's gonna hang it up
when you call

In actuality, I had to walk myself back home.
alone.
Through the dark city streets,
alone.
back to my dorm.
waiting outside in the cold,
till a friend came down to unlock the door for me.
Like a stray puppy, sad, injured, alone.
just a sad memory.
taken back there by music, as usual, to the scene of the crime.
where a lot of my problems began,
while others were exacerbated. (sp?)

who's gonna pay attention
to your dreams
who's gonna plug your ears
when you scream

Settled for a life
where screaming isn't allowed.
only shallowness.
pastey-face smiles.

who's gonna hold you down,
when you shake?
who's gonna come around,
when you break?

oh, you know you can't go on, thinkin'
nothing's wrong,
(who's gonna drive you)
(who's gonna drive you home)
who's gonna drive you home tonight?

I just wanna go home
where I'm free to be me.
to scream if I need to.
do i have to wait until heaven?

I need home now.

(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)

i'm wide awake

had a bad dream

on a train at night

dark woods behind me

out window

 thought i saw movement

suddenly

grabbed from behind

wouldn't let me go

i scream

help somebody's got me

cat rushes in

jumps up

furry goodness

purring

comforts me

Scream

Nothing like an open highway, fast.

Loud hard music, metal.

An empty car, solitude.

When my soul needs release.