Random thought

I love seeing people as weird as i am.

Tunneling to the center of the earth

Hello again! If you are re-visiting this post, feel free to fast-forward past this next paragraph and meet me back at the other side. If you're just dropping in, welcome!

Disclaimer: As the title suggests, the following post includes some deeper, darker moments of my journey. No surprise. But Take Heart!!! One Day.....One Day, I tell you...I shall write about more uplifting things. I want to be that inspirational blogger that people go to when they need encouragement, when they need to hear that someone has been there where they've been, and not only lived through it, but hung onto Jesus and made it victoriously to the other side. Ok, maybe not a Rocky moment, but a testimony to what God can do when we really let Him into our dark sides, to let Him change us from the inside out and make us doubly more useful in His ministry on this earth than if we just settled for a quiet, unobtrusive, slightly comfortable but never fully satisfied or genuine life. Yes, brighter days are ahead, and I intend on holding on and trusting the Lord to bring me there. And then I will have more encouraging things to say. For now, I just have to be real as I walk through the trenches.

My thought today is that I feel as if I am tunneling to the center of the earth. Going deeper and deeper, through the issues, past the mild discontent, into the ugly places, to a very dark place. Wouldn't it be easier..to just turn around and steer back to the shallow "crust" of my former life? Just ignore the discontent, the lukewarm condition of my soul, wiping away the worms of decay that keep creeping up and falling in my eyes. Smile and pretend everything's fine. Live an easier life, even if I knew deep inside that I'm ignoring God's call to seek Him with my WHOLE heart?!! Isn't putting in a few hours of ministry here & there enough, Lord, to show the world that I'm a fruitful Christian...but wait, how can a tree bear fruit if its roots are tangled in darkness and decaying from unfixed dysfunctions? So much easier to self-medicate my hungry heart with the temporary relief of worldly distractions. But no, I must keep going deeper. If I pop up too soon, the blinding light of reality will whack me back down like a painful game of Wac-a-Mole. If I try to sit in a shallow place, the fires of my discontent will simmer and boil like lava, till all at once I explode like a volcano, resulting in scalding pain to myself and those I love.

So tunnel I must. But I will not be alone... And I quote from a devotional by Kristin Armstrong:

"...if God had no special plans for me or no interest in refining and strengthening me, He would never go to these lengths....He was apparently supervising my growth. It made me want to please Him by responding well to His spiritual boot camp. I figured as long as it was going to hurt anyway, as long as I was committed to doing the work, I may as well go as deep as possible. He kept His word and saved me out of this distant place." -Kristin Armstrong

Who knows where my "distant place" will be, when I finally see the light at the end of this tunnel. God knows. And He will be with me always.

"I will surely save you out of a distant place...I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you but only with justice." Jeremiah 30:10-11

 

 

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float and sting

Next time I go to my Thursday morning Body Combat class, I think I'd better swing by my friendly Starbucks drive-thru for a quad-shot pumpkin spice latte first. Yesterday morning I was so pumped about finally getting the morning off from work so I could attend class, so feeling the fierce, beast juice in my soul, ready to fight, but apparently my body was still asleep during the first boxing track. We were galloping to the front mirror doing this boxing warm-up and suddenly I tripped over my feet and went cartwheeling through the air, caught my image in the mirror of a spastic donkey with her dukes up and cracked up in pure hilarity and embarrassment. Fortunately I barely caught myself from splatting across the floor, though no one said a thing, except for kindly Rob's "you ok, love?" in his funny, slightly British accent. I was more careful after that. Definitely need more caffeine next time to help me float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Needed to sprinkle these clumsy feet with the holy water of a 5-shot espresso.

 

 

 

 

So we did a fun mixture of boxing, capoeira (ginga & esquivas) and karate. In the karate track, we learned this cool "creeping" move that took some coordination: creeping forward in sort of a crouch position, arms moving through guard positions with each step, then snap-kicking back and front. hiii-yah!!! Made me feel like one of my kitty-cats back home, only in a sleek black ninja suit instead of their furry ginger-ness. Meow!!'

"You're looking real bad-***, Mad Cary Moms!!!" came the heartfelt compliment of Mr. Rob.

Worked on our speed jabs and power hooks, me still trying to stay on my feet and not make an idiot out of myself again.

 

Love this class. Gets the FIGHT out of me. Now my boxing club is going to start a fight team, dividing into weight classes. I'm wondering if chicks are welcome. I'm only curious, of course. Just asking for a friend.

Speaking of fighting, the phrase "Fight, Flight, or Freeze" came up during my "expensive conversation" I had with someone this morning. When faced with extreme difficulty or terror, our response tends to fall into one of those three "F" words. For me, I am now moving a little more into the "fight" mode, thanks to these classes I'm taking. But I also spend plenty of time in the "flight" mode, where I revert to escapism to avoid my problems by indulging in excessive music, art, humor, exercise or even working too much. The third, "freeze" mode, is something I've done for much too long. My method of "freezing" involves pasting on a happy mommy face, pretending everything's fine, going through the motions, agreeing with everyone when really inside I want to shout and argue, keeping quiet when I want to roar like Katy Perry, that sort of thing.

So what's the answer to the problem, or the correct way to respond? That's what I'm working on. This life is my school. my struggle bus. I'm riding it, drinking my pumpking spice lattes, and throwing a few punches now & then.

that's all for now!

:-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know ow ow why

 

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Big Wheel

I used to be a grown-up

Made reasonable choices

Stopped at all the red lights

Made careful 90 degree turns

No accelerating on curves

No swerving

Those days are gone.

Now i'm a wild kid on a

Big Wheel

Rumbling plastic

Careening down theDriveways of life

Forgetting those restraints of

Caution, time, good sense

Ignoring those calls forDinnertime

Flinging myself over the

Bumps and

Crying

When i get hurt.

 

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Just say it

When words get stuck, trapped.
Just say what you need to say
Get free, breathe & fly

More rant

Yes mean people suck
Why am i here anyway
Should be home with cats.

Whining @ work. A haiku

Crying on the job
Messed up so bad. Feel so dumb
Fire me already.

Worship thru workout part 2

as i was saying...before i somehow lost everything i typed and now have to start aaaaaaaallllllllll over again...

It's weird seeing my customers at the gym. LIke all they see me in is either my dorky green apron or spandex. My uniform of life. But it was so good to get back to the gym today. Took Body Pump with one of my favorite instructors, the Group Exercise Director who is so motivating and though I can't walk painlessly for days after her class, I love her for it. This class soothed my spirit like a good dose of worship would've done yesterday. Could've used that shot in the arm of church yesterday, or maybe I wouldn't have let this one very Particular co-worker get under my skin the way she did.. and do i mean Particular. If any one dares mess with her espresso bar station or irk her in any way, watch out, she will unleash her very colorfully-spoken wrath upon you and make you feel like a coffee bean fresh out of the grinder. Only for me yesterday, it was more like it punched the "start brew" button in my tear glands, letting loose all my unrelated frustration and funky emotions I've had bottled up...and what a lousy place to feel a cry coming on. Why can't those glands turn on at normal-people-cry-times, instead of at work as I'm about to say "welcome to starbucks, what can we get started for you?" So I found myself finding excuses to turn around and fumble with the coffee filters, while I rub my wet eyes into my black shirt collar, or run to the back for more cup lids, or better yet, escape to the walk-in cooler and stick my head in a crate of milk jugs. Better than crying over spilled milk, right? harhar. But seriously, like everything else, I'll learn to thicken my skin at that place, and just let it go...

Today's workout was a nice release for all that. And there was even sort of a sermon in at least one of the songs... for example, the one we did our squats to, "What's Goin' On" by 4 Non-Blondes, and I quote:

"And I try, oh my God, do I try

I try all the time in this institution

And I pray, oh my God, do I pray

I pray every single day for a revolution

And so I cry sometimes

When I'm lying in bed

Just to get it all out

What's in my head

And I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning

And I step outside

And I take a deep breath and I get real high

And I scream at the top of my lungs

What's going on?"

(end quote)

Then after that very strengthening squat sermon, we had a very hearty sing-along as we did our bicep curls to the classic "Livin on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. Ah yes, one of my karaoke favorites!!! Even more fun belting it out while you're curling 20 pounds of iron in your hands. Strangely worshipful. And the story of my life, livin' on a prayer.

And tomorrow I shall don the forementioned green apron again and return to the coffee trenches...hopefully a tiny bit stronger, and much refreshed. Thank you, gym. I'll be prayin..

 

 

 

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Sometimes

Sometimes i feel like i'm unfit to be a mom & should just leave it all, move in w/my sister & be an old spinster for life. I give up. G'night.

Glove up!!!!!

So how do i drive with these things on?

 

Patience and Soft-Heartedness

 

What?? I know, that doesn't sound like the type of eye-of-the-tiger, hear-me-roar, tough girl thoughts I might have after washing off the sweat from my boxing class today, but that's just where I'm at. I'm really not all that tough, I'm realizing. Oh sure, it was a good work-out, and I got some tips on perfecting my roundhouse kick into the bag and aiming my upper cuts right into the chin, even though I wasn't nearly as winded and ready to die every second with this instructor, like I usually am with Mr. Donut Man Duque and his aDorable Doggie pal...

But I'm coming back down to reality in this season I'm going through, learning hard lessons on life and love and family and work and money and even more about God and His amazing grace. Even a wretch like me.

I'm going through some awesome devotions that hit me right where I need it, so I gotta share some things..

Like the one on Patience, and I quote:

"Patience is the practice of trusting even when we cannot see....

"Patience evokes a spirit of humility because we recognize that we are not in charge...

"Patience involves seeking the Source instead of the solution.

"Patience is maturity revealed.

"patience is the art of waiting, expectantly, joyfully, and quietly, when you have no idea what you are waiting for.

"Patience is the ability to stand perfectly still in the vortex of chaos, and be totally content to hang out until further notice simply because you have no intention or desire to move forward without His instruction." (Kristin Armstrong)

That last one really gets me. There seems to be a fine line between waiting on God and just being lazy or procrastinating, I know, but I think there's a lot we can learn from God when we just sit expectantly before Him for awhile. I know for me it's teaching me to have a soft heart. My first reaction to pain is to toughen up, or at least pretend I'm tough, and to keep moving, don't slow down, just push through the ugliness and hope God blesses my decisions. But that's not God's plan for us. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh," God says in Ezekial 36:26.

And again I quote Ms. Armstrong: "In response to heartbreak....it is all too easy to develop a heart of stone.we think this will protect us from any more pain. Yet the problem with stone is that it feels nothing-no pain, but no love either. It is a trap that feels like self-preservation but is actually self-destruction. The Lord wants to give you a heart of flesh. With His love you can emerge from a painful season..with a heart that is yielding, porous, and ready to receive the gifts He has waiting for you."

So yeah, I'll still glove up, alright, but not with hard, unfeeling gloves of stone that bash others yet don't even feel their pain or mine, but with soft gloves of flesh, that can feel as they reach out to others.

And that's all this tough, eye-of-the-tiger has to say today. Roar and purr.

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