Ready 4 the fight

Fast car, black coffee, very loud guns n roses' welcome to the jungle ....getting pumped for the fight. Body Combat class, that is. More later. I am ready. Bring it on.

Awkward locker room moment : woman compliments the "cute sassy skirt-thing" i'm still wearing just as i'm about to...um, put on my towel. #thanksnowGETOUT!!! Sorry. Just made me laugh.More later. Having fun on my day off!!!

Why izzit...I seem to do my best writing in the car? in this mess, closed in, music playing, no other distractions.

So Body Combat class. Nothing new or earth-shaking, just a few observations as my mind is free to take off on an adventure during my most favoritest hour of the week.

Warm-up, boxing moves combined with lots of cardio footwork, get the heart pumping. On the half-jacks, when we're doing our criss-cross jumps that make our upper half all jiggly, Robb makes the usual comment, the very same comment he says Every. Single. Time. And that's about how we're welcome to cross our arms over our chest if we want, but don't worry, "it's not gonna change my world a bit" I don't know why but for some reason this always just makes me crack up. Maybe it's because I'm working so hard at getting into my fierce, concentrated fighter zone, but whatever it is, even though he says it Every. Single. Time. (just to make sure all female participants are aware of his gender preference so they don't try stalking him, I guess, i mean, plllease...) ...it still has me face down, staring at the floor to try to cover up the crazed, face-splitting grin of a giggle I've got going on, that just gets worse the harder I try to hold it in. Doesn't make sense. I'm usually 99.99999% in control at concealing what I'm really feeling behind a quiet, neutral poker-face. Things just slide by me; I'm unaffected. (seemingly) But every now and then...like in this class when I'm trying so hard to keep in the RAGE I'm feeling during these fighting tracks...every now and then I get thrown off by a silly joke nobody else even thinks is funny, but I'm practically doubling over, laughing till my sides hurt and milk is spurting out my nostrils and I can't breathe and there's no sound coming out of me for ten minutes.. I love that kind of a good laugh, normally. Reminds me of my dad. He's a very quiet person too, and usually he'll sit all stoic-like at dinner time and not say a word, not participating in the wacky conversations our crazy family of 7 used to have, when all of a sudden he'd start smirking, then doing this silent shaking laugh till the tears are streaming down his face, still no sound, and when we'd ask him to tell us the random joke that just came to his mind while we were talking about something else, it was way more hilarious just to watch him try to retell it, struggling, while still laughing out of control, than the joke was itself.

I have other emotions that hit me like that, too. When I'm least expecting it. I don't go around looking for trouble, but when it finds me, my world stops.

But back to BC.

My favorite kick track: Drummer Boy. We stand on one leg in the beginning, other leg extended to the side, thighs shaking, during this long intro, as Alesha Dixon and her band yell....

"I think I need a better drummerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" " Say what?" "I said, I think I need a better drummerrrrrrrr!!!!!" " Ho!" (watch the body combat video here...hope it works..)

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=i%20need%20a%20drummer%20boy%20body%20combat&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCsQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D2nLCz6UHhNo&ei=H-R7UsDaA4r4kQfvqIHQDg&usg=AFQjCNGVQCOE7zcTYadgWqmWjAeSG5mGew&sig2=APQQfxe-vAkadn3zvmvT1w&bvm=bv.56146854,d.eW0

Another favorite, the muay thai track to "Speed". Like the above video, I know I've posted this one before, but it's still cool...

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=speed%20body%20combat%20&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCkQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DRF_eZy5bGlk&ei=LeV7Ur6VLJCqkAeE04HoAQ&usg=AFQjCNEQ48317M8pXGVyyenQhM6-UNFsZg&sig2=4b8PtROV2vmTaN9lq5kvkw&bvm=bv.56146854,d.eW0

I love this song "speed", but today I'm feeling I need something stronger, wilder, to keep up with my inner demons that are flying around this gym...

Instructor's helpful hints on the elbow strikes: "keep the hands relaxed, picture yourself drawing an 'X' across your opponent's face with your elbows." and "Cut him open!!!!!" well said, Robb.

Big highlight of class- the jump kicks. He breaks them down, explaining them well, and assures us it's ok to just step and kick, and many people do just that. But to me, these jump kicks are like the stuff dreams are made of, so I'm all into it. Having to pace myself though, getting out of breath after a few big ones. Would reeeeeeeeeeeeeally love to do one of these at work sometime... (did I just say that? my bad...)

Another funny moment that gives me the giggles- Class splits in 2, facing each other. Boxing moves traveling towards each other at the center and then jogging back. I'm behind this big mirrored pillar holding up the ceiling. We're doing right and left hooks, and every time I lean right to hook right, the chick facing me on the other side of the pillar leans that way too, then left and she pops out the other side like a game of peek-a-boo with a baby and I don't even know this girl but we're supposed to be taking this seriously but this game is making me giddy all over again...awkward..put on poker face, back into fight mode...

I guess it's just one of those introvert things. Concealing the emotions, having an awareness of our environment without showing it. usually. Like the proverbial teacher who has "eyes on the back of her head" we can perceive stuff/people around us without looking at them. Then other times I am as blind and oblivious as a bat without radar, scrambling furiously to find my sunglasses that are on top of my head.

And if you're still reading this, congratulations, this is just a silly mind-burp of silly junk I noticed today. Deeper stuff to come, later. :)

 

 

 

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Tweet i liked

One of the primary regrets of the dying is they didn't speak their minds. Let no fear silence you. Speak with kindness, but speak.

I just liked this. Wouldn't want it misinterpreted by the outspoken type who find more than enough excuses to spout off their opinions already,  but i treasure what it says to people like me, seeking authenticity & living/speaking from a whole heart.

Tomorrow

Today i want to quit. Tell my managers what i think of them. And quit.

But tomorrow is a new day.

Today i want to quit this fight, this journey i'm on.

But tomorrow is a new day.

Today i want to move to a foreign country,  homeschool my kids under a palm tree & sell bananas & coconuts for a living.

Tomorrow..... (i may still want to do that.....) but it's a new day.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.  (Psalm-something )

Bring on the joy, Lord, my hands are open. Heart broken. Feet willing.

deeper than an ocean

As much as I love the beach...

the rolling waves, the salty ocean spray in the breeze, the warm sand,

...the endless mass of blue mystery...

its beauty cannot fulfill the longing for connection inside my heart.

Have a seat, Lord, and fill that space within me. Amen.

 

 

 

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Permission

What I want: Permission......

to stop pretending,

to protect my heart,

to withhold.....when it doesn't feel right.

Permission to choose...

to say NO to things I don't prefer,

to say YES to the dreams God has planted in my heart...and I Know that they're from God because the've always been there and the more I seek the Lord and draw near to Him, the more these dreams are illuminated, set ablaze in my heart again.

Just a permission slip. that's all.

 

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Love & Rage

 

(my blogging obsession has come to this: In a lack for paper and an abundance of inspiration- on the road- I resort to scrawled notes on old napkins.)

Love. Rage. Previously planned as 2 separate posts, one a continuation of my last brain-spill on agape love, and another on today's body combat class, but since my multi-tasking brain is always throwing all my thoughts together anyway, why not confuse all the non-ADHD people out there by combining the two! hah! Besides, trying to recall all the interesting little tidbits from that class is such an ADHD experience anyway, zeroing in on all the millions of sound-bytes still pounding in my head after such an enjoyable 60 minutes of pure frenzied RAGE!

ok, don't get me wrong. It already felt weird to post the above quote by Mary Shelley, from Frankenstein. I mean, what will the world think? I'd actually prefer to call it a "righteous anger". Like Jesus. But that's another blog post for another time.

Rage in Body Combat class. here we go:

I walk in late, as I sometimes do, and struggle to find my favorite spot on the floor, strategically dancing around the other Mad Cary Moms to avoid getting roundhouse-kicked as I fight for my perfect view of the instructor as well as a clear reflection of my beastly self in the big front mirror. He sees me and says over his mike, "hey, I was looking for you this morning!" to which I respond with a chugging-down-a-drink motion. What that meant was, I've recently started seeing him coming into my Starbucks where I work, on the Thursday mornings when I cannot attend class due to this job, and happily, today was a day I had off! He usually orders 2 venti blonde roast coffees, for him and his male partner. Hopefully the other MCM's didn't think I was referring to another type of drinking. but anyway...

Today he's dressed like either a Pirate or a Gladiator or something fighter-ish, and he's done a nice job on the eyeliner. Looks like a very pretty girl. This is Halloween, of course, and some other fighters in class have dressed up, too. He also chose some good fun songs to work out to, as well. Like Pirates of the Carribean, where we do our sword dance and stab: "Gurgle!!!" he screams as we all plunge our swords into our imaginary opponent's gut. oh, and the fun new move we do during this one is the Kung Fu Claw! I love it!! He also tells us, once again, to imagine those 5 opponents on every side of us. hmmm, are they the same 5 I had a few months ago when we did this track? Let me think...

We also do a dance version of the Cranberries' Zombie song, which I love and even blogged about once, love those lyrics.."in your head, in your head..."

Boxing..."beat the sand out of that bag!!!" Reminds me, I need to get back to my boxing gym again soon, too.

Muay Thai..from the best song in the world for that- "Speed", that wonderfully thrashing speed metal song by...i forget. oh-atari teenage riot. strange lyrics, but it's an awesome song for this, and I'm so glad only this mirror sees the face of RAGE that comes out when I'm fighting like this. Which brings us back to that topic of this blog. Is it just me, or do we all have this hidden RAGE inside of us, ready to let loose and ATTACK when pushed too far? When we've taken enough, played the polite people-pleaser for way too long. And since it's Halloween, or the day after, what is it that fascinates us about these dark sides? Like Michael Jackson wrote in the last line of Thriller...."For no mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller". well, we don't need to go there. I'm not a dark person. just curious.

Robb gives us a proverb: "A good downward elbow strike will SHATTER the cheekbone, BREAK the nose and CRACK the browbone."

And on the brawler punches: "Your opponent is on the ground, begging for mercy. Grab him by the hair, turn his face up, look into his eyes...and..." (you can imagine what comes next!)

Observation: on the flying elbow strikes, we are jumping high...and I notice that I'm flying a little higher than usual..seems my recent unintentional liquid diet of only frappucino leftovers slammed down when no one's looking while on the job has caused me to lose a few pounds. Makes jumping high even more fun, and slashing my opponent with a sharp elbow even more satisfying!!

So a few quick words on the opposite topic. love. Revisiting my previous post on Agape. Walking back over the rubble. Smoke still rising, smell of napalm...from the explosion of the heart that bared my soul, sending shreds of raw emotion and secret desires all over the place....(ok, maybe that's a little too dramatic).. limping and staggering from the vulnerability hangover.

Why do I do this? Who do I think I am, some self-absorbed celebrity who bleeds her inmost secrets on her Twitter account for her fans to suck up and pass on the juicy gossip? No, I know I couldn't aspire to that stinky sense of stardom even if I wanted to.

Instead- this writing thing gives me a sense of clarity. Writing for a perceived audience keeps me on my toes- (or pen-tips!) Just like employees have been proven to work harder and better when they think they're being watched..i am more motivated to really dig in and sort out my thoughts, define them, make sense of them, in order to communicate them clearly to the reader. (real or imagined).

And where does this most recent heart-explosion leave me? Besides sickly nauseous from the forementioned vulnerability hangover... I am further convinced, that to discover this Agape-phileo-eros distinction is a big milestone in my journey. I like the part of the quote on Eros that says, "Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself." So therefore, if I am unable to obtain relational eros in this lifetime, I can continue to open my heart and flood the space around me with my art, whether it be my writing, or dance, choreography, painting, music, or whatever my creative muse produces in any particular season. In art, I can indulge my fantasy, my longings, my escapism, my fury, my passion, my euphorias and my griefs, in a safe place.

I love this quote by Twyla Tharp, famous choreographer: "Art is the only way to run away without leaving home."

And that is my rather awkward ending to an all-over-the-place random spill of the brain again.

And now just for fun...

 

 

 

 

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Agape (more tears on the yoga mat)

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,

and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

— 1 Corinthians 13:1-2

I've been following a daily devotional by Kristin Armstrong, and it almost always hits me right on target, right what I need to hear or be challenged by from God's Word, yet enough understanding and gentleness from her personal perspective that it really encourages me. Until the other day. This particular discussion dealt with living in peace with one another, whether or not we agree with each other, desire each other's company or feel warmly toward one another. In other words, agape love. The kind of love that only God can execute perfectly. I did not like this devotion. My thoughts were, "ok, Kristin, I was with you most the time in this book, but here's where we diverge. I just don't like hearing this stuff right now."

She went on to say this, and I quote: "We think too often of love in terms of romance, passion, or marriage. Agape love is the love God calls us to, and it is a higher, all-encompassing love. It is not related to emotion or based in things as fleeting as passion or present circumstances. It is based solely in God."

ok, great, I'm thinking. Even though we have the human potential to have those "fleeting" powerful emotions that create the swelling music in our heads like in a movie, and the feeling of our breath sucked out of our chest, etc, etc, ...that those are just shallow emotions that only a few privileged people are allowed to have fairly consistently throughout their lifetime. Even if it's something they still have to work at, as of course life isn't just one big chick-flick all the way through, it just seems unfair, Lord, that the rest of us have to miss out.

Teach me, Lord, to find peace in learning to practice the kind of love that Jesus did.

"We are called to live in peace. It is a mandate, not a suggestion. Jesus lived in peace every moment of His life, even to His death, and we are called to emulate Him. We don't have to desire this, understand how to do this, or conjure the feelings associated with it. We simply have to obey, ask for help, and open ourselves to the power of agape love." (Kristin Armstrong, Happily Ever After)

And while I'm on a roll with quoting everybody else's stuff, here's some good definitions of the Greek words for love, taken from tvtropes.org:

"Love is the most important value of all. Everyone needs to love and be loved in return.

Because "love" can apply in many situations and circumstances, the concept of love will be divided into four different types (as proposed by C. S. Lewis in his The Four Loves) for a better study of this trope:

Storge (Affection/Family) - This is fondness through familiarity, especially among family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance.

Philia (Friendship) - Friendship is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. This includes what Lewis calls companionship; that is gregariousness of the kind which is found in a Good Guy Bar or Local Hangout; as well as friendship proper which is between Heterosexual Life-Partners, Platonic Life Partners and the like but often starts as companionship.

Eros (Romance) - This is love in the sense of 'being in love'. (This is distinct from sexuality.) This kind of love longs for emotional connection with the other person. According to C.S. Lewis, sexuality is called "Venus." It can be part of "Eros," but on its own, it is not one of the loves, just desire (not to be confused with Lust which is this desire expressed in a sinful way)."

(and another quote from Wikipedia: Éros (ἔρως érōs[2]) is "physical" passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. Romantic, pure emotion without the balance of logic. "Love at first sight". The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "intimate love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." In the Symposium, the most famous ancient work on the subject, Plato has Socrates argue that eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth, the ideal "Form" of youthful beauty that leads us humans to feel erotic desire – thus suggesting that even that sensually-based love aspires to the non-corporeal, spiritual plane of existence; that is, finding its truth, just like finding any truth, leads to transcendence. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth through the means of eros." (Wikipedia.org)

"Agape (Unconditional Love) - This is the love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance. The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice. It is also a decision, not fueled by pure emotions (theoretically). However, emotions such as the other three loves can provide a "booster rocket" into agape. Note that true agape is never self-destructive; it is not the willingness to sacrifice oneself that, say, someone with a Guilt Complex would have. It builds the soul, and, like the other types, fosters emotional health and self-confidence. It's difficult to express the differences between a Martyr Without a Cause and someone who's accepted agape love into their heart, but they exist. Agape love need not always be spiritual, but it is often based in spirituality." (tvtropes.org, again..)

I am not done with this study, even though I'm about finished with this post. I will never be done being God's student on this topic of Agape love. I plan on coming back to this study over and over again, both in looking back at these love definitions I found, and trying to work it out in my own life. Right now it is very hard to swallow the command to practice agape love even when there's no guarantee of ever experiencing any of the more enjoyable "eros" love in this lifetime. Sorry for my negativity. I know God can do anything, but from a practical perspective, i mean, really???

And those were some of my thoughts during the relaxation part of my yoga class today. Drip, drop, drip.

 

 

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Night owl haiku

Love the quiet, ahhh..
All asleep but me. I fly..
Thoughts & dreams, they soar

my worship response

Ps. 103:1-5

"Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires

with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

My version:

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

I cannot forget all your benefits, all the ways you have worked in my life, Lord.

Since I was a child, you pursued me with your love.

Put the right people in my life to lead me to a saving faith in you.

Despite an environment of spiritual darkness,

you never left me. Even when I turned my back on you,

you gently led me back and showed me your grace and your miracles. You wowed me with answered prayers and amazing things only you could do.

 

When I had no direction, you spoke to me and led me to a foreign land. Lit a fire inside me for overseas ministry..

as well as ministry to hurting teens. For three years you used these ministries to open up and begin shaping my own heart.. thank you for those seeds planted.

You have provided for me, protected me, and blessed me with beautiful children.

You say that you keep my tears in a bottle and know the very hairs on my head.

You know when I am not being real, and despite my attempts to hide parts of my heart from you, you still pursue me and challenge me...

in a good way, you desire me to keep growing, to not remain stagnant.

To keep my dreams alive. Perhaps one day I will find that undiscovered island, that new place of ministry or adventure that I still yearn for.

Even though right now a part of my life seems to be dying, perhaps it will eventually open some doors for this prayer of my heart to be answered: "Here I am, Lord, send me!"

In the meantime, I pray that "out of the most severe trial, (my) overflowing joy and extreme poverty will well up in rich generosity" (2 Cor. 8:2)... That from this journey I am on, I may somehow bless someone else along the way.

(which reminds me of an encouraging thing that's happening on my job recently, a way that God is using me to be sort of a mentor to a young single mom I work with, the very same "tough girl" who threatened to cuss me out if I messed up her espresso bar and was the same one who made me cry in the bathroom after she yelled at me for doing something stupid..but I'll save that for another time)

So thank you, Lord, for all your benefits.

Thank you for never giving up on me.

Praise the Lord.

 

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spirit thing

(haiku)

electrifying

holy spirit does its work

drawing me to You

 

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