i'm wide awake

had a bad dream

on a train at night

dark woods behind me

out window

 thought i saw movement

suddenly

grabbed from behind

wouldn't let me go

i scream

help somebody's got me

cat rushes in

jumps up

furry goodness

purring

comforts me

Scream

Nothing like an open highway, fast.

Loud hard music, metal.

An empty car, solitude.

When my soul needs release.

haiku

humbled, penitent
yet honest. no turning back.
open heart journey.

glimpses

As a part of my life, a part of my heart, is being stripped away, day by day....Lord, draw me close.  Fill that empty spot.  Repair me, fill me with your everlasting wholeness and healthiness of spirit and heart.  The places where I latched on mistakenly to something that did not help my healing or growth, but only hindered it and shadowed my  view of my everlasting Father, Healer, Protector...cleanse me of those, Jesus.  Rush in with the power of your spirit to renew and empower me to walk humbly in the paths you have laid out for me to follow.  A path that is bathed in your warm sunlight, delighting in new life and the fullness of a healthy heart.  Thank you, Jesus, for these glimpses of good things to come.

"For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face."
1 Cor. 13:12

"For I have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear, but I have received the spirit of adoption by whom I cry out, "Abba, Father'."  Rom. 8:15

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."   Ps. 73:25, 26

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Cor. 4:16-18

Thanks, Rihanna

I'm friends with the monster
That's under my bed 
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me
Stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy Yeah, you think I'm crazy
Oh it's nothing...


(I just had to...i love this song!!!)
:-)

Duck Dive

I did a little duck dive yesterday...



Like a surfer ducking under the breaking waves as she paddles out to sea..
I took a dive under the waves, into the deep, dark waters of sadness & dark thoughts.
A preoccupation with death is perfectly normal for people going through a bit of depression during a difficult time, and I'm no exception.  Thankfully, these duck dives are short.  Duck down,



...take a peek at the darkness and the sharks that swim below the waters...



and then I'm up again. Still paddling, still moving forward.



I know who I am, and I'm not turning back.  Got my bearings, headed in the same direction again.
Yes, these currents, riptides and breakers make it difficult to get out there on the soaring waves of freedom, but I'm still paddling.  Not getting to where I want to be as fast as I want to go, but it's all about the journey.



These dunkings are actually making me stronger.  The sting of the salt water, the panic of not knowing which way is up, the darkness and the sudden chill of the deep, deep waters that lurk below me.  The unknown. I experience them, and realize that through it all, I'm still alive.  And ok.
Getting through these periodic dunkings is all part of the process. One day I will rise above these waves...and I will surf.



Now truth be told, as obsessive as I am about everything "ocean" and the water sports associated with it, I have never actually surfed in my life.  Boogie boarded, yes, I go whenever I have the chance, even messed up my ribs pretty bad once in a boogie boarding accident, but I still love it.  Yet my goal in this lifetime is to one day take some lessons and get on a surfboard and really do it.  My dream is to live in a tropical place where I could surf every day, all year long, if I wanted to.  Like...Costa Rica.  Start out long boarding in the steady, beginner waves of Playa Tamarindo, then graduate to a short board and try the fast rides of the infamous Salsa Brava in Puerto Viejo. Even if I'm an old granny by then.  I know, you may say I'm a dreamer.  But I"m not the only one.  (hey, that sounds like a song...)

Take me deeper

I think the day I die will be like walking into the ocean.

I will be on a warm sandy beach. Bathed in morning sun. Standing hand in hand with my children and the people I love, those who love me. We walk towards the edge. I embrace my loved ones one last time. Hopefully I receive forgiveness from those I have hurt, and they release me.

I walk alone through the shallow water, the foam washing over my feet. Stepping further out, crashing through the breakers. I move steadily forward, eyes fixed on the great blue unknown. As the waters rise to my neck, I do not fear. For You are leading me, calling me..Deeper than my feet could ever wander.

I reach for You, as the salt water rushes in.. my heart panics...but I keep my eyes above the waves. For I am yours, and you are mine. I gasp, I choke, all goes black.

But you are there with me. Your hands reach me..and my faith is made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

My body sinks as my spirit rises..and I swim among the dolphins and am suddenly surprised by the sound of my own laughter as these lovely creatures dance playfully around me, delighting in the frolic with their new human friend.

And Jesus holds my hand. Smiling, laughing. We swim together. Riding the fins of sharks...

the backs of manta rays...

the tails of whales, in the dance of the currents...and I sing...

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown, where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed, and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours, and You are mine

I am Yours, and You are mine

I am Yours, and You are mine

I am Yours, and You are mine

(By Hillsong United.)

 

 

 

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Danger in Comfort, cont'd....

...and when you are met with resistance, (as you WILL and as I am now, as I speak...),

...when others don't understand...

stand your ground.

Be open and honest about your heart.

Yet be compassionate.

Then do not forget the calling on your heart, your spirit...

to Run the Race that God has called you to..

Run with perseverance...

Do not bend or become yoked

in a trap of comfortable stagnancy.

Do not let the waters of your heart stop moving,

don't let the green algae of stagnancy begin to form.

NO!!!!

Reach down

to that inner spring of pure, fresh water

inside your soul.

that geyser that Jesus set in motion

when you gave your life to Him...

and NEVER GIVE UP!!!

and Nike, one more thing...one more word in that phrase...

JUST DO IT...(even when you're...)...AFRAID.

 

 

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Danger in Comfort

ahh, finally. a quiet house. quiet mind. time to blog. But as I sit down and prepare to review today's Body Combat class, I realize that I don't have much new material to write about. We did some of the same tracks we've done before, the same moves I've been working on for the past 8 months or so. For example, one track we did, according to Robb, had moves from 7 different MMA's (mixed martial arts) in it. Some of these that I recognize were: from Capoeira- the ginga and esquiva, from Muay Thai- ascending/descending elbows, streetbrawler punches, jump knee, from boxing- double hooks, double uppers, power hook, speed jabs, etc., and karate's snap kicks, roundhouse kicks, cross guard and more. Nothing new. oh but here's one new thing, I learned a new word in the Portuguese language , the word for "circle", which was used when we did our ginga moves in a circle. What was that Portugese word? (sigh.) for the life of me I cannot think of it now. oh well.

Nevertheless, it was a good workout. Here's Robb's take on it, as he put it out on Facebook and I quote: "Well done, Mad Cary Moms! For those who missed it, we did 3 no-punches leg tracks. Turbulence, Warrior's Dance, Ring the Alarm. All 3 are just kicks, knees, squats, lunges & Capoeira goodness! It was brutal!"

yes, he's right, it was brutal, and here are some youtube clips to give you a better visual idea of how brutal: (copy-paste if these links don't work, sorry!)

Turbulence:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XFp3FIOiA0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Warrior's Dance: (check out the girl in the blonde ponytail, man, she is wicked!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuHHUYgXKJM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Ring the Alarm: (woman-athlete's-body-envy!!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qDOKgIVYB8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Tommy Damani, Body Combat Tips & Tricks (a very good instructional, though I didn't watch all of it, just got the gist of it, he's like the body combat guru..)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66YogNh5Lpk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

So there it is. A good tough work-out, I'm feeling it already, but mentally it felt a bit too comfortable. It's like pulling an old favorite sweatshirt over my head, I know what the moves will feel like on my body, I can jump into the rhythm pretty easily now, developing better muscle efficiency as I go. Comfort. That's all fine and good.

But therein the problem lies. If I'm not being challenged by new things, I'm not growing. I need to be learning new things, thrown into new situations where I feel totally awkward and newbie-ish again, even embarrassed by ocassional instructor critiques and my own wonkiness. So maybe I need to spend more time at the boxing gym, try out that sparring class, maybe even something cool like a place that only teaches capoeira, which I love for its dance-like fluidity and gymnastic moves.

It's the same in life. Whether it's in physical progress, creative pursuits, occupational goals or spiritual areas, I'm learning the danger of just remaining in a place that's "comfortable", but stagnant and unfulfilling. We all need to be stretched, to feel those growing pains and to risk the consequences of some new changes/improvements in our lives. Push past the boundaries. No dream is too big. Not a pride thing, just need to move towards the highest possible goals that I can reach. Don't fear change, don't get comfortable, or the evils of complacency, pride and laziness will set in. I'm preaching to myself here. Be open. Pray, seek God, humble myself...and then MOVE!! Whatever it is. A new workout. An art class. Learn a new language. Never stop learning. That's my inspiration for today. Just do it. (thanks, Nike)

 

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Blogger Stats

question: What do Moldovians, Americans, Germans, Brazilians, and Turks have in common?

answer: They are the five countries represented by this blog's audience this week!!! and yes, in that order. Moldova, by the way, is a small, poor country in Eastern Europe. Whudda thunk I'd have the most viewers there? weird!!!

love these blogger stats...

hello out there! (or shall I say... alo!...hello!...guten tag!...ola'!...merhaba!!!)

 

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