Duck Dive

I did a little duck dive yesterday...



Like a surfer ducking under the breaking waves as she paddles out to sea..
I took a dive under the waves, into the deep, dark waters of sadness & dark thoughts.
A preoccupation with death is perfectly normal for people going through a bit of depression during a difficult time, and I'm no exception.  Thankfully, these duck dives are short.  Duck down,



...take a peek at the darkness and the sharks that swim below the waters...



and then I'm up again. Still paddling, still moving forward.



I know who I am, and I'm not turning back.  Got my bearings, headed in the same direction again.
Yes, these currents, riptides and breakers make it difficult to get out there on the soaring waves of freedom, but I'm still paddling.  Not getting to where I want to be as fast as I want to go, but it's all about the journey.



These dunkings are actually making me stronger.  The sting of the salt water, the panic of not knowing which way is up, the darkness and the sudden chill of the deep, deep waters that lurk below me.  The unknown. I experience them, and realize that through it all, I'm still alive.  And ok.
Getting through these periodic dunkings is all part of the process. One day I will rise above these waves...and I will surf.



Now truth be told, as obsessive as I am about everything "ocean" and the water sports associated with it, I have never actually surfed in my life.  Boogie boarded, yes, I go whenever I have the chance, even messed up my ribs pretty bad once in a boogie boarding accident, but I still love it.  Yet my goal in this lifetime is to one day take some lessons and get on a surfboard and really do it.  My dream is to live in a tropical place where I could surf every day, all year long, if I wanted to.  Like...Costa Rica.  Start out long boarding in the steady, beginner waves of Playa Tamarindo, then graduate to a short board and try the fast rides of the infamous Salsa Brava in Puerto Viejo. Even if I'm an old granny by then.  I know, you may say I'm a dreamer.  But I"m not the only one.  (hey, that sounds like a song...)