numb..

really wishing i were dead tonight.
suicide is tempting but it's also extremely selfish so it's not an option.
then i'd just spend eternity thinking of the misery i caused others.
similar to my life here on earth, but longer.
my life might as well be over here. there's no joy left to extract from it.
just pretend. go thru the motions. but not really live.  when i try to consider options to find joy, i find myself back at the same conclusion. either fake it, or hurt others.  i'm stuck. need to put on more layers of pretense. figure out a way to get thru a few more years without feeling anything. just numbness. that's all i need.  comfortably numb. then i can die with a good conscience. hopefully soon.

and now some song reading: for some reason this song just popped into my head:

                                                      "Losing My Religion" (by R.E.M.)

Oh life, it's bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I've said enough

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper 
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I've said enough

Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing around
Now I've said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try
That was just a dream
Just a dream
Just a dream, dream

I don't even know the original meaning behind these lyrics, but for some reason, i can relate, on a subconscious level or something.  i've always loved that song, in my dark times, anyway.