crowds

 

        Sometimes I wish

       I smoked

       and drank

      and hung out with "that" crowd...

      Among them

      in comparison

      I'd look like a saint.

      

      I know Jesus would still love me

      just not some of his followers.

jabs & stun guns

 

Sorry about that next-to-last post...I guess lil mary lost her parasol. dove too deep. silly mary.

sitting in my car at the gym. sky opened up just as i got back in after my workout.  now safe & dry in my creative cocoon.  Music, energy bar, muscles tired but toned & stretched, gatorade, i'm all set. Had to buy a new journal, am rapidly nearing the end of my old spiral notebook. love the happy little bird on this one. tweet!!

Sooooo...I walk into Combat Fitness class. Before I even open the door I hear the loud thrashing music of Ozzy's Crazy Train. oh yeah, i am so on dat train!  and so happy to be back in this class, i could give Instructor"Bob" a big kiss!  Or not.    ( (by the way, I changed his name in case he ever finds me here!)

We start right into it.  Jab-cross-jab, upper cuts.  ohhh, little mary sunshine, did i knock you down?  got your pretty lacy parasol all muddy?  awwwwww, so sorry......  POW!!!!!!

some new move, forgot the name...

I'm happy to find a spot right in front, but..."that girl" slips in late again, pushes past me and stands directly in front of me. I catch myself meekly stepping back, letting her pass, my gaze lowered to the floor.  Funny how this feels so familiar, and how the hardwood gym floor looks remarkly similar to our kitchen linoleum..hmmm.

What's this noise? Where's my inner tiger?  This chick, who does she think....OK,ok, I am over it.  This is sooo NOT a competition!  She may think she's won a battle in this class, bumping me backwards, but this ain't the real battlefield, Sugar.  It's when we leave that door, that's when the fighting starts.  when that bell clangs. real life.  This is just preparation.  But oooh, is it good today!

"I'm going to Kick your Boot-ahhhhs today!!"  'Bob' sneers at us.

"Mad Cary Moms, come at me!!!!" We all rush at him and the front mirror, punching our little hearts out.

I try to imagine what demons this "that girl" is fighting.  They say "hurt people hurt people".   Some people hide their hurts so well they just come off as mean.

So if that's true about hurting people, I wonder if healing people heal people too?  Just wondering.  Seems I've been a moving target for other hurting people lately; do they see it in my eyes that I just might understand their pain?

Example 1: The other day in Body Flow class.  This woman in front of me. One look & I'm thinking "This woman smells of money, old Southern money.  Perfectly manicured, she just has that 'look'.  I easily conjure up an image of the snooty rich neighborhood she might live in.  Then I catch myself and instead of jealous bittnerness, I choose to remember a discussion recently of our community's spiritual needs, particularly of the affluent, how they sometimes live very closed, protective lives, fearing others will steal all they have and not valuing themselves for things other than their wealth.

So I swallow my "humble pride" and give her a smile when the class ends.  Her perfectly made-up face brightens, she comments on how limber I am, then launches into a monologue about her back probelms.  A tad ad nauseum.  Doesn't ask me a single question but looks at me as if I'm supposed to hold the key to spinal freedom.  errrrrrr.... I offer some feeble encouragement and we go our separate ways.

Jabs: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, slip, slip" We jab and then duck our faces to avoid our opponents' returning punches.

Then yesterday...(example 2) I meet a woman at a discount store as we were both ooohing & ahhhhing over a rack of pretty sundresses.  We talk for about an hour and a half, me & this very interesting woman: a Haitian-born,  boarding school-raised intelligent person who holds multiple degrees and licenses from prestigous colleges, but shops at this same cheapy store as me & obviously has a few suitcase of baggage, too.  We're getting pretty chummy and exchanging numbers and then she floors me by pulling out a stun gun to show me, and I'm like "Whaaaaaaa-???"  This thing is cleverly disguised as a flashlight on a key ring.  She gives the gun a tap to demonstrate, and it makes this gosh-awful noise that makes another woman across the aisle jump about 10 feet in the air.  (I am at much closer range to it and I just about peed my pants! sorry..)   So this other woman is immediatley fascinated and becomes part of our little huddle.  She's a runner and wants one of these things herself, as she was once attacked running at a local lake.  wow.  Talk about run-ins with other hurting people.  She seems tough, but who knows, underneath she may be another kindred spirit.  Funny, Lord, are these just coincidences?  I mean, funny to jump right into these conversations right after leaving my very good but hard, painful counseling session, complete with gut-wrenching tears and newly-opened cans of worms lying all over the floor.  

So now these 2 women are really into this thing, as my original friend explains how it works to the Runner.  We catch the eye of a 4th woman to join our huddle, she pokes her head around a a rack of full-figure garments and inquires, 

"Y'all need a permit to have dat?"  "Oh, no", assures my Friend, "this only has 4,000 volts. It doesn't require a permit to own one until it's over 6,000 volts."  I see.... Turns out this 4th woman already has one of these in her car. Whodathunk?

 

Wow!  Am I really this sheltered, that I had no clue that women all over this area carry stun guns in their purses?  Man, I could've used one of these back in...never mind.

Friend explains that you must use the gun only on the attacker's arm, not the chest,  or it could stop the heart from beating. ooh. hmmmm.

Runner girl wants to know how she could get one, too, so while they're exchanging contact info, I say adios and sneak away, avoiding the temptation to try to get one, too!

ok, where was I?  oh yes. body combat.  the alternative to stun guns!

Loving this. Great new combo- changes levels..

Punch body, head.... "STRENGTH!!!" yells Bob.

then Stick-Jabs...((2/3 the distance of a regular jab, and Fast!)   "SPEED!!!"  yells Bob.

then Double-hookss.. "Unleashed POWER!!!!!" yells Bob.

and then, "STAMINA!!!!"  130 consecutive jabs.  "MAD CARY MOMS, GET FIERCE!!!"

        "Aim for your target, Nose!!! Chin!!! Lip!!! Chin!!!Nose!!!"  

     We obediently batter away at our targets. 

Mad. Sweaty. Hot. Red-Faced. Exhausted.

Yes, Bob, you have officially kicked my Boot-ayyyy!!!!!!

***Note to Reader:  Thanks for reading all this, maybe I need to take up knitting or something less dangerous for a hobby. But I appreciate you hangin in there with me.  I've been told recently that I need a friend in this healing process, someone who gets in there with me, stands alongside me, not someone who stands on the sidelines, afraid to get their hands dirty, waving a little flag and cheering, "Rah! Rah! Rah! Sis Boom Bah!!  Get Well Soon!  and Here, Enjoy this Chicken Pot Pahhh!!!"  (pronounce "pie" like pah, like a true southerner and so it rhymes...)  :)

So thanks.  You just might be that friend. :)

  

Tweet

Brad Hambrick (@BradHambrick) tweeted
: If a husband's bias for his opinion is so strong he views his wife's opinion in a simplistic / condescending way, he lacks the love to lead. (https://twitter.com/BradHambrick/status/342684977584029698)

deeper

 

  waiting for hot summer days, swimming weather

   see myself diving into that pool

   diving deeper, deeper, deeper..

   so deep, till I can scream and cry

   and no one hears me.

    and yet deeper still

    till i reach a new world

    it's ok

    you can stop the compressions

     i'm in a better place now.

   

Little mary sunshine pt.2

Mary stays inside.
Outside the sun burns, risky.
Inside, bombs unseen.

little mary sunshine

 

 Little Mary Sunshine

    Happy frozen smile

numb inside, apply sunscreen

stable, frozen, good.

gym shoes & ear worms

          

               gym shoes & ear worms

Finally. kids back to school after 3-week break.  

First time back to the gym.  woo-hoooo!!

1st hour;  Body Pump.  

ahh, the familiar feel of that cold metal bar across my shoulders.

add a few extra  heavy plates today, we're gonna make this worth it.

loud, loud music, constant lifting, lunging, pressing, tightening, loving this.

tricep intervals, push-ups, then lift those plates.

call back that fire truck, my arms, they're on fire!

             So I've had some good ear worms lately.

             Random songs that stick in my head.

             Beach days long & lengthy

             Ear worms crawled around for hours.

             Uninterrupted.

              (love that term, ear worms, reminds me of the

                Hearse Song: the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, 

                   they eat your guts then spit them out. nice, huh?)

             Songs like....

            - Sara by Fleetwood Mac (drowning, sea, beachy words, plus, I'm an 80's girl!)

            - Breathe by Anna Nalick

            - I'm a B**ch by Alanis Morrissette

Last section- ab work: Hovers. oh.my.goodnes..if these don't give me 6-pack abs, I want my money back!!!

            Secular vs. Christian music has always been a huge inner conflict for me.  Music moves me to the core. I'm so sensitive to it. When I first came to know the Lord, I right away threw out all my "evil" secular influences of Prince, Madonna, etc, etc and only listened to Christian music.  But then as my inner junk still crept back into my life, so did the secular music.  Spent many years trying to find the balance.  Now i find these secular songs extremely helpful in re-connecting with the experiences and feelings I"m now trying to re-visit in order to get some healing in some areas.  So it's a dip into the secular for re-connecting, go through those emotions, then add a big scoop of Christian music with biblically inspired lyrics to ground me, reassure me of the Truth that sets me free.

        2nd hour: Body Flow class. Throw away the stress in the free-moving Tai Chi, challenge myself with some new yoga moves.  Actually mastered one of these moves, balanced in that pose for a whole half a second!!!  Would like to document it with a photo, but I'd have to set up a tripod, set the camera on a timer, then scurry into place and hope to synchronize the sudden flash with the half-second pose.  mmm. maybe not.

              More ear worms.  

              - Zombie by the Cranberries.  Love that song. I know it's supposed to be about a battle between England & Ireland in 1916 or something, but I understand it on a different level.  A mental conflict. "and their bombs, and their guns...in your head, in your head...Zombie, Zombie, Zombie-e-e-e-e-e..."  wow. How often I feel like a zombie.   In my darker days, I wonder sometimes, what am I doing alive?  Stumbling around like a freshly ripened corpse, up from the depths.  dripping of carnage that refuses to lie still in the grave  yes like I said, this is a thought from my darker days.   Not a constant thing, fortunately.  just being honest.

       wow, this one is so packed with explosives i could go on forever...

lyrics need repeating:  (comments in parentheses my own interpretation)

           another head hangs lowly

           child is slowly taken  (as in, something from MY childhood that was stolen...) 

              (ok that should be enough. pack up the ipad. leave this starbucks. go home & cry. but I continue...)

           and the violence cause of silence.  (ouch,ouch,ouch,please stop....)

           who are we mistaken?

           but you see, it's not me, it's not my family (i try to deny the dysfunction)

           In your head, in your head,

           they are fighting

           with their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns,

            in your head, in your head, they are crying....  (no comment needed)

            Another mother's breakin' heart is taking over

             When the VIOLENCE CAUSES SILENCE. (this reminds me of the horrifying stats of how many girls are sexually molested, 1 in 4, and how this crime is kept shut up, silenced, and becomes a horrible chain of bondage throughout generations.  we must break the chain. But these girls/ women are frozen in fear, emotions frozen like in a coma since childhood, their mouths silenced, by threats and by the media that makes us think it's what we wear that makes it our fault that the crime occurred. not condoning anything, just sayin. 

           ok, what happened to this carefree post about going to the gym. Is it this iced mocha that's making me shaky or do I need an ice cold corona just to push down these ugly emotions that keep bubbling up. 

             back to little mary sunshine. in the gym.

             more hovers. a hover is basically staying in push-up position, and lifting one arm at atime, balancing on toes and one arm, then the other, stretching, balancing, keeping those abs tight.

Finish workout, steam room, shower, pack up. Notice my gym shoes hanging in the locker.  About 3 little stones have gotten crammed into the treads from my last run.  As usual, an anology comes to mind... Just like my life, when those rocks get stuck in my treads, sometimes I keep on running, for a long time.  Don't notice them.  Then, like the princess and the pea, I feel that lump, that bump that throws me off balance.  Have to stop and pull out the rocks.  Sometimes they work themselves out on their own, sometimes they can be power-washed out by the fresh cleansing water of worship and God's Word & prayer, but other times, it means stopping our run. our walk. our crawl.  Stop. Pause. Time to use my own resources, strength & elbow grease to pry those stones out of my treads.  Exactly what i need right now. a therapeutic pause.  pause.......

ok, back to my last ear worm.  For some reason the radio stations like playing Guns n Roses' Sweet Child of Mine fairly often.  I'm not complaining, I'm an 80's chick, love those big-hair bands.  And such a sweet song.  Whatever axel rose is singing about, that's great, but I see it as going back to my own childhood, that sweet child of mine.

Before I begin, let me interject...that during this entire blogging session at starbucks, there has been this sweet little foursome of Japanese women at a table near me, chattering constantly in Japanese, with lots of sweet laughter,  and so of course it doesn't distract me one bit because I don't understand Japanese & I have my earphones in listening to my Pandora shuffle anyway...but it's just very touching, endearing.  I'm a bit jealous, actually, to have close friends you can speak intimately with for hours.  Guess I had that years ago, but it seems forever ago.  These ladies know the importance of female friendship and have kept it alive.  Perhaps they go way back, or have only recently connected as a way to stay in touch with others from their homeland, other expats.  I almost feel like I could sit down with them in the middle of their jibberish (my perception) and I could just pretend to speak Japanese in my own jibberish, and somehow we'd nonverbally still be communicating and having a ball.  I love other cultures. I love non-verbval communication.  music. dance. art. animals. nature. a friendly touch or hug. a look in the eyes that says, i understand. when I don't get enough of those, i suffer.

ok, back to sweet child of mi-i-ine....but first gotta get the groceries and the kids. to be continued later!!!!  (part II!!!!)  hang in there, grab yourself an iced grande skinny mocha, or whaterver.  see ya!!  :-)

        back again. but i'll be brief. i think...

here's some of  those lyrics i love of sweet child of mine by guns 'n roses (and my comments)

she's got a smile that it seems to me... like childhood memories

where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky

now and then when i see her face, she takes me back to that special place

and if i stare too long i'd probably break down and cry..

whoa, oh oh sweet child of mine.

(ok, so far i'm getting the image of myself as a young innocent child, still delighting in my innocence, not realizing how quickly and forcefully it would one day be ripped away...)

she's got the eyes of the bluest skies as if they thought of rain

and i'd hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain.

(oh, how i wish i could speak to that sweet child of my past, to tell her, oh the things i would tell her.  to try to prevent those ounces, gallons of pain that were coming her way. she had no idea. she believed everyone, trusted everyone.)

her hair reminds me of a warm, safe place where as a child i'd hide

and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by.

(what were my fears then? an ominous dark shadow of something i was falling towards, unprepared for, oh if i could just hold that child & teach her to be strong. to know who she is, to cherish the treasure God made her to be, to really believe the truth of God's passionate love for her.  could events have been avoided?)

now that is truly enough for tonight. i've got to stop doing this. it's tearing me apart.

tomorrow i'll be little mary sunshine. promise.

'night.

            

             

                 

     

Good tweets

jaredcwilson (@jaredcwilson) tweeted:

If I love you, I will seek to understand your words as you mean them, not as I heard them.

jaredcwilson (@jaredcwilson) tweeted:

When corrected, continuing to insist that my misunderstanding is "what you really meant" is stubborn, foolish, and sinful.

4 am poet

 

4 am poet.

here i am again.

same time, same place.

like a nightmare

I'm standing at the edge of  a

big, scary ride.

who would ever want to go on THAT?

pushed inside the dark tunnel

I'm pummeled

through the darkness

hurled through space

obstacles crash

insult to injury

WORDS

like poison sound bytes

open up old wounds

like a nail gun

i'm pelted from all sides

mercilessly

new thoughts, threats

words like,

"how the children suffer"

slice me.

cloaked in darkness

I choke.

Let me Out! 

I want to scream

but the Evil Carnival Man

just sneers & laughs an evil laugh

Evil knows

how I got lined up for this ride in the first place.

God, God, where are You????

The people shake their fingers, their heads...

"I told you so...",  "You should've..."  "You ought to..."

the Voices, they torment.

I cannot crawl back out the way I came

now that i know what i know.

Lord, it's so dark in here

I see no way out.

how long, Lord, how long?

washed clean

Jonathan Martin (@renovatuspastor) tweeted:

Since Jesus always scandalized everybody with his own table fellowship, I'm not worried about us serving communion to "the wrong people."

This hit home to me, after this morning's very touching baptism service at a lake. I've seen these so many times, heard pastors explain the difference between baby baptism (like I had) and submersion baptism, and I totally agree and KNOW that I need to do this sometime...and today's outdoor setting and small church environment was so sweet...but still, I just can't muster up the courage to do it. I can't explain all the reasons why, but the above tweet struck a nerve, thoughts about not measuring up, feeling so much shame, unworthiness, condemnation, etc, etc. If it weren't for this dark place I'm in right now, well, maybe... But that's all I can say for now. If I think too much, the dam will break, and I"ll have to go wash my face and put aloe vera all over my sunburned cheeks again. stupid tears. stupid, stupid....

 

 

 

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