As much as I love the beach...
the rolling waves, the salty ocean spray in the breeze, the warm sand,
...the endless mass of blue mystery...
its beauty cannot fulfill the longing for connection inside my heart.
What I want: Permission......
to stop pretending,
to protect my heart,
to withhold.....when it doesn't feel right.
Permission to choose...
to say NO to things I don't prefer,
to say YES to the dreams God has planted in my heart...and I Know that they're from God because the've always been there and the more I seek the Lord and draw near to Him, the more these dreams are illuminated, set ablaze in my heart again.
Just a permission slip. that's all.
(my blogging obsession has come to this: In a lack for paper and an abundance of inspiration- on the road- I resort to scrawled notes on old napkins.)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
— 1 Corinthians 13:1-2
I've been following a daily devotional by Kristin Armstrong, and it almost always hits me right on target, right what I need to hear or be challenged by from God's Word, yet enough understanding and gentleness from her personal perspective that it really encourages me. Until the other day. This particular discussion dealt with living in peace with one another, whether or not we agree with each other, desire each other's company or feel warmly toward one another. In other words, agape love. The kind of love that only God can execute perfectly. I did not like this devotion. My thoughts were, "ok, Kristin, I was with you most the time in this book, but here's where we diverge. I just don't like hearing this stuff right now."
She went on to say this, and I quote: "We think too often of love in terms of romance, passion, or marriage. Agape love is the love God calls us to, and it is a higher, all-encompassing love. It is not related to emotion or based in things as fleeting as passion or present circumstances. It is based solely in God."
ok, great, I'm thinking. Even though we have the human potential to have those "fleeting" powerful emotions that create the swelling music in our heads like in a movie, and the feeling of our breath sucked out of our chest, etc, etc, ...that those are just shallow emotions that only a few privileged people are allowed to have fairly consistently throughout their lifetime. Even if it's something they still have to work at, as of course life isn't just one big chick-flick all the way through, it just seems unfair, Lord, that the rest of us have to miss out.
Teach me, Lord, to find peace in learning to practice the kind of love that Jesus did.
"We are called to live in peace. It is a mandate, not a suggestion. Jesus lived in peace every moment of His life, even to His death, and we are called to emulate Him. We don't have to desire this, understand how to do this, or conjure the feelings associated with it. We simply have to obey, ask for help, and open ourselves to the power of agape love." (Kristin Armstrong, Happily Ever After)
And while I'm on a roll with quoting everybody else's stuff, here's some good definitions of the Greek words for love, taken from tvtropes.org:
"Love is the most important value of all. Everyone needs to love and be loved in return.
Because "love" can apply in many situations and circumstances, the concept of love will be divided into four different types (as proposed by C. S. Lewis in his The Four Loves) for a better study of this trope:
Storge (Affection/Family) - This is fondness through familiarity, especially among family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance.
Philia (Friendship) - Friendship is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. This includes what Lewis calls companionship; that is gregariousness of the kind which is found in a Good Guy Bar or Local Hangout; as well as friendship proper which is between Heterosexual Life-Partners, Platonic Life Partners and the like but often starts as companionship.
Eros (Romance) - This is love in the sense of 'being in love'. (This is distinct from sexuality.) This kind of love longs for emotional connection with the other person. According to C.S. Lewis, sexuality is called "Venus." It can be part of "Eros," but on its own, it is not one of the loves, just desire (not to be confused with Lust which is this desire expressed in a sinful way)."
(and another quote from Wikipedia: Éros (ἔρως érōs[2]) is "physical" passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. Romantic, pure emotion without the balance of logic. "Love at first sight". The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "intimate love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." In the Symposium, the most famous ancient work on the subject, Plato has Socrates argue that eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth, the ideal "Form" of youthful beauty that leads us humans to feel erotic desire – thus suggesting that even that sensually-based love aspires to the non-corporeal, spiritual plane of existence; that is, finding its truth, just like finding any truth, leads to transcendence. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth through the means of eros." (Wikipedia.org)
"Agape (Unconditional Love) - This is the love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance. The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice. It is also a decision, not fueled by pure emotions (theoretically). However, emotions such as the other three loves can provide a "booster rocket" into agape. Note that true agape is never self-destructive; it is not the willingness to sacrifice oneself that, say, someone with a Guilt Complex would have. It builds the soul, and, like the other types, fosters emotional health and self-confidence. It's difficult to express the differences between a Martyr Without a Cause and someone who's accepted agape love into their heart, but they exist. Agape love need not always be spiritual, but it is often based in spirituality." (tvtropes.org, again..)
I am not done with this study, even though I'm about finished with this post. I will never be done being God's student on this topic of Agape love. I plan on coming back to this study over and over again, both in looking back at these love definitions I found, and trying to work it out in my own life. Right now it is very hard to swallow the command to practice agape love even when there's no guarantee of ever experiencing any of the more enjoyable "eros" love in this lifetime. Sorry for my negativity. I know God can do anything, but from a practical perspective, i mean, really???
And those were some of my thoughts during the relaxation part of my yoga class today. Drip, drop, drip.
Even though right now a part of my life seems to be dying, perhaps it will eventually open some doors for this prayer of my heart to be answered: "Here I am, Lord, send me!"
In the meantime, I pray that "out of the most severe trial, (my) overflowing joy and extreme poverty will well up in rich generosity" (2 Cor. 8:2)... That from this journey I am on, I may somehow bless someone else along the way.
(which reminds me of an encouraging thing that's happening on my job recently, a way that God is using me to be sort of a mentor to a young single mom I work with, the very same "tough girl" who threatened to cuss me out if I messed up her espresso bar and was the same one who made me cry in the bathroom after she yelled at me for doing something stupid..but I'll save that for another time)
So thank you, Lord, for all your benefits.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
Praise the Lord.
"Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity." 1 Cor. 8:2
The following quoted paragraphs are interesting explanations of a phenomenon, a term, that hit me in the middle of the night, one of those "aha!!" and "grab your flashlight and go to your journal" type moments.
" Learned helplessness is the condition of a human or animal that has learned to behave helplessly, failing to respond even though there are opportunities for it to help itself by avoiding unpleasant circumstances or by gaining positive rewards. Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation.[1] Organisms that have been ineffective and less sensitive in determining the consequences of their behavior are defined as having acquired Learned Helplessness." (wikipedia)
"Learned helplessness has also been associated with several different psychological disorders. Depression, anxiety, phobias, shyness and loneliness can all be exacerbated by learned helplessness. For example, a woman who feels shy in social situations may eventually begin to feel that there is nothing she can do to overcome her symptoms. This sense that her symptoms are out of her direct control may lead her to stop trying to engage herself in social situations, thus making her shyness even more pronounced."(Pschyology.about.com)
ok, so I could just stop right there. The studies speak for themselves. But I'm suddenly realizing how this applies to my own condition in some ways, and how identifying this tendency of mine will help me to resist and overcome it. I don't need to get into details here, but I will simply close with this reminder from a previous post, and a song by Mandisa: I am an Overcomer in Christ Jesus. I can overcome this and many other obstacles. Step by step. Continue the journey, however dark and confusing and painful it may be sometimes. Thank you, Jesus.
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