nameless beached whale

still haven't nailed down the perfect name for a new blog yet, so i'm still here, for now, but keeping things shallow. (will try, anyway..)  like a beached whale.



back to the gym, first time at body pump class in several weeks.  set up my step w/risers & mat, barbell and lots of different sized weights, in the front row.  there are some places, like the gym, where i love being in the front  row and will come early to get a good spot, and then there are other places where you could not find me dead in the front row.    anyway so I enjoy my class. the whole music & movement thing kicks in and i'm flooded with adrenalin and therapy for all my emotional ills.  gives me my thought for the day:

i think working out brings out the testosterone in me.  perhaps that's too strong of a word.  perhaps left-brain thinking is more like it.  what i mean is, i come out of the class feeling great, and my thinking is in a better place, more logical, more able to compartmentalize my thoughts and be thankful for my life, the way that it is.  (i think sometimes i should've been born a guy, just forget all this emotional junk i go through, it's so....girl-ish.  don't need it.)   so i sought my higher power of google and found this, from thefreedictionary.com,  a definition of
  right-brain: of or relating to a person whose behavior is dominated by emotion, creativity, intuition, nonverbal communication (bingo! that's me!!!!) and global reasoning rather than logic and analysis. (not me)

  So, after this great testosterone-raising, left-brain stimulating hour of pumping the irons, I came up with this logical, analytical conclusion:  It was wise of me to make a choice that led to the life I am enjoying today.  I am in a place where I am able to be a mom of 2 great kids, a part-time gym rat, a part-time barista to make a little extra cash, and a part-time artist who now has a good chunk of alone-time each week to express oneself in writing, art, music, dance, home decor, and other creative pursuits.  I am thankful for these things.  I will also say, while in this pumped-up testosterone state, that romantic, mushy love is highly overrated.  A person does not NEED that to get through life.  Loving God and one's family and other people in general, the agape and phileo loves, those are the most important.  the other stuff stinks, quite bluntly.  and i'll keep going to this body pump class to reinforce that idea in my head,  until i look like a gorilla, if i have to.  keep my life in its boxes.



one last thing... in the last track of our work-out, we're doing overhead presses and after 55 minutes of this class our arms are really starting to give out, ready to drop the weights with a crash...when our wonderful instructor Lisa yells out, "think of how awesome you'll look on that vacation!!!!"  ...and this reminder gives me that extra oomph i need to get me through those last few reps.

ahhh, yes, did i mention we might be going someplace warm for a vacation sometime soon?

oh but look at the time, gotta go...

adios!!!

surface dive

i'm friends with the monster that's under my bed

get along with the voices inside of my head

you're trying to save me, stop holding your breath

and you think i'm crazy, yeah you think i'm crazy,

well it's nothing...

Surface dive:    a dive from the surface of the water to the bottom.  Surface diving may be preferable to a normal dive into the sea (off a jetty, for example), if the water depth is unknown, as it will prevent spinal injuries from a dive into shallow water.

So I'm considering doing a little surface dive here.  Been floating up too close to the surface lately.  Exposure causes sunburn.  Feeling like roadkill for scavenger sharks.  And it's trying to pull me into shallowness, where my spine is crushed. Time to dive deep, deep into unknown waters, into an anonymous  blog, where nobody knows who I am and I can once again spew my ugly thoughts with complete freedom.  Still tossing around ideas for a new name and place. Here's one last ugly thought before I surface dive:

Considering becoming a eunuch  I am so serious it's not funny. (I know, call me Lady Redundant Woman).  The only way I can behave myself in the eyes of God and others, and to not feel that sinking feeling of sadness and regret in this broken area of intimate relationships, is to cut off that side of my personality.  Dive deep into the cold quadrant of neutrality, of forever platonic relationships.  no more disappointments.  Then I shall be free.  Either that or die and go to my perceived idea of heaven, where soul mates are united, even if their earthly lifetimes spanned across centuries, for they now have new youthful bodies and will have perfect peace and love for eternity.  That's my idea of a perfect heaven.  Because God knows there's no perfect world.

here’s another ugly one:  “Lord, how long must this game of life go on?  I’m tired, I’ve had enough.  just want to go to sleep and never wake up.”

“Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave—what can you know?” (Job 11:7-8).

patience

patience is...

having a dream and..

not having the resources yet to achieve it

I put it on a shelf.

inside a special box

a jeweled, velvet-lined chest

trusting it to God

to bring it down for me

when the time is right

when it is His time

Until then

nose to the grindstone

blinders on

do what i gotta do

be thankful

be cheerful

love others as i love myself

patiently.

10 things about me

Awhile back I used to see those lists of some random number of things about a person on FB, even one with 100 items!  well i think 10 is a reasonable number, so here goes:

1. I have an extreme aversion to wooden objects on my tongue. (i.e., tongue depressors, wooden ice cream spoons or popsicle sticks) and even thinking about that awful sensation makes my tongue curl up in fear.

2. In second grade I won a bag of cranberries for guessing the number of marbles in a jar at a church potluck dinner, but was too embarrassed to claim my prize and snuck out the back door of the church.

3. I wrote a book in 4th grade, 24 chapters of which were published in a national kids' magazine and I was featured in a handful of news stories, even local and national television spots, too.

4. I broke my wrist back-diving into a swimming pool when I landed on my friend's back.

5. My senior year in high school my dance team voted me to be on court for the winter carnival dance, and I had to choose a guy to escort me. Since I wasn't dating anyone, I chose some guy I sort of knew as a friend.  We were not crowned as king & queen at the dance, but it was kind of fun. still awkward, though.

6. During a college spring break I once backpacked the mountains of the Gila National Forest in New Mexico which meant going a whole week without washing my hair or using a real toilet. (think shovels and dry leaves, ew. ok, you can stop thinking now...)

7. I have never been the one to break off a relationship. But I have stayed in some bad ones anyway.

8. During another college spring break, I went down to Daytona Beach, FL with Campus Crusade for Christ, and spent the week witnessing to drunk students on the beach.  Except for the last day, when I was feeling antsy and needed some time alone and went for a swim a long ways away from my Crusader group.  While swimming, a big wave knocked me down and I lost my bikini top in the water and had to call out to some strangers swimming nearby to help me find it.  Most. Embarrassing. Moment. Ever.  I felt God was punishing me, or treating me like Jonah, for straying from my flock.

9. I dated a guy who was bipolar and visited him in a mental hospital.   Awhile after we broke up, he committed suicide.

10 .One summer I canoed class 4 rapids and rock-climbed and rappelled down a 70-foot cliff in northern Michigan.

maybe someday i'll add numbers 11-100.  we'll see.

cobra

Learned this new move in body combat class yesterday: the "cobra" move, from kung fu.  neat.  in the middle of a mix of butt-kicking squats & lunges, all choreographed into a smooth mix of various fighter moves and poses.  ouch.

Robb started the class by addressing the Very Large Typical January New Resolution crowd and telling us to leave space for the people around us.  He told us that the only person who has an assigned spot in this room is him, the instructor.  Then he added that if we wanted to jump through the hoops of becoming a certified instructor, then we could have our assigned spot, too.  At the front of the class.  He's thrown that sort of little "bug in the ear" kind of thing out now & then lately, and I always feel like he's talking right at me.  Perhaps it's a God thing, because I often feel like that in church, too, when someone's message is being directed right at me.  I'm really hearing it lately, guess I must be cleaning my ears better these days or something..   hold that thought... (the instructor thing, not the earwax...) :-D

Some good tracks in the mix today... including some favorites, like Muay Thai.  I get the giggles again when that song plays that goes, "work that body..." and it keeps going "ahhh"..."ahhh"... and that's when Robb jumps on that and mimics it and I can't keep a straight face any longer and crack up.  I'm usually very serious, quiet and intense in that class, I'm always trying to focus on getting my form just right.  I'm not just here for a good work-out, I'm serious about learning this and excelling at it.  not sure why.  either to fight or to teach it myself, not sure...

so the muay thai... there's a lot of it, in at least two different songs.  One of them has the repeated muay thai block with the hands, which he describes is like a "peek-a-boo".  makes me laugh.   The heaviest muay thai song is my favorite, the song "Speed" again.   The Group Fitness Director is taking class today, and it's her birthday so she's requested this one, the "street fighter" song, as she puts it.  oh yeah....  street fight punches, wild-crazy-elbow strikes, ramping up into the craziest flying elbow strikes ever!!!  I am so loving this!!!!!!  I think we had the best class participation ever on the yelling in this one, on the flying/jumping elbow strikes, we were all like, "SPEED!!!!  SPEED!!!! SPEED!!! SPEED!!!" and "hooAAAHHH!!!" "HOOAAAAHHH!!!!"  Killer chicks we are.

It helped that I'd gone to his Tuesday noon class at a different location of this gym.  building up stamina. I think my goal, not a new year's resolution, i don't really do those,  but my goal is to work out, and work out HARD, as in this fighting kind of stuff, up to 5 times a week.  I said "up to".  I cannot reasonably expect to do that all the time, have to balance it with my work schedule and home responsibilities, and at my age, i need to listen to my body, sometimes i just need to rest.  But not too much rest. I'm sure Ronda Rousey never got to where she is by lying on the couch, watching Netflix and eating cheezy popcorn.

 I'm learning what it takes to improve oneself, and I'm determined to do it in my own life and then to move into a role of helping others to do the same.  Whether that means training to be a certified instructor of something like this, i don't know. I'd love for that to happen.  This and/or something really creative, like art therapy, dance, or music..  I think I have a gift for encouraging others and I'd love to use that in combination with my love for fitness/dance/movement and the arts.   I"m excited about the possibilities.

that's all for now.  till we fight again...

to be continued....

going under the knife again... here goes...  later alligator!

and yes, that seems to be the story of my life these days: to be continued.

no black-and-white, cut-and-dried, pat answers to the questions, the drama, the journey I'm on.

just continuing on this road.

still.....i'm happy to have gotten some good advice this morning, some new ways of approaching things, trying to be content, a little bit calm maybe? where i am..  and here's who i am, so far... just a little blurb from my diary, a thought that woke me up, once again around 4 am recently... one of the few things i'll share from my utmost secret diary:

I like who I am...and I know my preferences.  Yes, God could do a miracle, but that would change my very being, and I like who I am!  I like that I prefer chocolate to vanilla.  i like that I love cilantro, that I love to sing loud and dance like crazy and be super-silly .. i like that i prefer going out dancing to staying home every night.  oh yes-  my ideal (night out) would be...to go out dancing- crazy WILD dancing with someone who's just as wild and crazy and into dancing (or whatever it was) as I am, not a casual observer/ commentator, but someone not afraid to lose themselves in the pure JOY of CRAZINESS!!!!  That is my preference and I love it.  I own it!  

yup. secret's out.  that's my preference.  that's my voice. hear me roar.

to be  continued.

just so you know

just so you know...God has been speaking to me this week.  not in an audible voice, or even a Voice that says "YOU...should do this..." or that or whatever.  But thoughts that seem like my own, but all of a sudden they're so clear.  They wake me out of my sleep at 4-ish a.m. and i have to quickly write them down in my journal so i don't forget...but  I can't forget the impression He is making on me.  He cares. He knows. He seems my heart and is finding just the right time, when my heart is ready, to reveal the things I need to know.  And you know what? They are things I knew all along.  Things I'm not ready to share in this blog quite yet, no, I'm still chewing on them, as i chew on this cereal. (yes, my empty stomach also plays a part in waking me up in the wee hours, but still...)  That's all i have to say for now.  but Praise Jesus.  and Thank Him for His wonderful mercy.  For not trying to change the way He has created his children, their basic makeup, and not giving them an easy way out of difficulties, but for strengthening our hearts, our inner beings, so we can go back and do the things we have to do.  Even the hardest things in the world.  the seemingly impossible.  wow. i'm not loving the place i'm in right now. it hurts like hell.  there. i said it. a bad word. judge me. God doesn't.  but i'm becoming more of the me he created me to be,every day.    just loving the moment right now.  but as sure as this clock above me ticks, soon the world will be waking up again, my quiet alone session will be over, and i will be reminded of my usual hard situation and  the ways i try to compensate for it in my own sinful ways of pretend or escape.  but deep down i will remember this moment. this stillness and perfect love with the Lord.  I love you Jesus.  amen and goodnight...(good morning??)

genuine

My dear Malaysian readers,

Since you make up the second largest group of my audience out there in  blogger-land, only a few less than the top group, I want to thank you for being here with me.  i also know i can safely confide in you, because i don't know anyone in your country, so i feel comfortable sharing my heart, deeply, yet again with you.

   

today i must rant.

Recently....shortly after baring my heart and soul to another individual...someone whom i thought i could trust..(2 of them) these same people turned around and immediately, it seemed, or within the next 36 hours, posted something online about how much they love their _________. i mean, i can see how that can be an innocent, sweet thing to do, and on most occasions i will try to let it go and not blame them.  but right after we have this discussion of my pain in this area.  just a coincidence?    do they not realize how hurtful this is? i mean, people all the time can easily get down on themselves when they spend too much time on social media and begin comparing their lives to those who only post glowing reports of how wonderful their lives are.  but to do this out loud, knowing the very person whom it will hurt the most is listening??? and i thought i could trust these people.  just makes me not want to trust them even more.  it's so frustrating.  doesn't anyone anyone ANYONE understand???????? (sigh). this is the very stuff that makes me want to go jump in a lake and never come up for air.  EVER.  how can they be so insensitive? just rude. my world is crashing down on me and they dare....inflict this cruel & unusual punishment on me. their telling me what to do is just keeping me in my prison.

ok, forgive me. i've ranted enough.  may i please come to malaysia and lie on your beautiful beaches by the sea? i'll learn the language. teach me to fish and i'll eat for a lifetime.  you can braid my hair. i'll teach you english.  (oops, i apologize, i just did a little research and learned that you people are very educated and know many languages.  that puts us americans to shame. sorry about that comment. you have much more to teach me!!!!)  ;-)



so here's some good news.  one of these above-mentioned "friends" (yes, we're still friends) also commented that i seemed much more genuine than i've been in the past.  recalling some of the explicit details i may have shared and rough ways of expressing myself to her more refined, clean-cut ears, i don't know if i should take this as a compliment or not, but i will, i can use whatever i can get.  And what's funny is, this "compliment" came just 48 hours after receiving this same kindness from a friend at work.  see, we have these little blank "happy" notes that we're encouraged to share with our co-workers from time to time, and i got this one just the other day.  perhaps what sparked it was the night, not long ago, when she & i worked the closing shift, and after we were all done and everyone else had gone home and it was dark and late at night, her ride still hadn't arrived so i sat outside in the cold with her for 30 minutes or so, and just talked to her about her life, her future aspirations, stuff like that.  just a young person trying to figure things out, and of course i wasn't going to just leave her there in the parking lot all by herself on this late night saturday night. not trying to brag here.  just saying that i'd much rather be known for being genuine and a listening ear to anyone, no matter what their walk in life, than trying to live by some standards another person sets for me.

now about that fishing lesson.  when's the next flight to Malaysia???

Selamat pagi!!  (good morning)  , Selamat tengah hari (good afternoon!)   Selamat petang (good evening!!)   or  Selamat malam (good night!!)

now about that fishing lesson.  when's the next flight to Malaysia???

Selamat pagi!!  (good morning)  , Selamat tengah hari (good afternoon!)   Selamat petang (good evening!!)   or  Selamat malam (good night!!)

following my heart

I have never been good at making decisions.  Horribly indecisive, I have been the brunt of many jokes in my family, when it comes to something simple like choosing what to eat on a menu.  I remember being totally completely overwhelmed staring at a bakery menu in a busy downtown Chicago restaurant years ago, and how my sister and her friend thought it was so hilarious and she will still bring it up to this day, how long it took for me to choose what kind of muffin I wanted to eat.

more than just muffins.  bigger decisions are just as hard.  I'm realizing that the problem is, besides being such a complex mess of ADD and OCD at times, I'm also too afraid to follow the choices of my own heart, and mostly like to go with what I think others want for me.  It's easier to let others choose my decisions and paths for me, rather than face the consequences of my own choices.

but not always.  there have been a couple times, I can count them on one hand so far, of when i have made major decisions of my very own, not caring what others thought.  the first was in college, when after my freshman year, i decided i really wanted to pursue dance, and so i transferred to a college that had a big arts department, an excellent dance department where i could practically live in the studio every day and even graduate with a degree in performance, education, therapy, whatever.  the transfer was complicated, going from a college on a trimester schedule to regular semesters and losing a lot of credits in the process, and i had to say goodbye to some very close friends and start all over on a strange new campus, but i was so glad i did!   once i got more and more into my dance classes, i realized i had to make a career out of this somehow, and would need to do more than just take classes for fun, but commit to a credentialed program that would earn me at least a minor in dance education.  that took some (a lot) of convincing regarding my parents.  we never had much money growing up, was only able to attend college because of government assistance and lots of loans, so adding more years to my college career for the sake of something as "fluffy" as dance did not sit well with my very practical, penny-pinching, non-dreamer kind of parents.  i'm pretty sure i put it in writing, my best form of communication, and shared my heart to them how important this was to me, to pursue something i am so passionate about.  they reluctantly agreed.

same thing happened after i graduated.  not sure of where to go, what to do with my teaching degrees in elementary education and dance education, i took some time to really seek the Lord and pray about my decisions.  i even fasted.  (and for me, that was rough, i've always adored food. what about you?)  but i really felt God had a calling on my heart to go into some kind of full-time ministry, and it had always been my heart's desire to go someplace overseas, and especially to a warm place, out of the frigid Wisconsin weather i sadly put up with year after year.  so when i heard of a ministry in the Dominican Republic that needed teachers who were willing to jump out of the boat and into a crazy life of ministry in a third-world country, to minister to the lives of emotionally broken teenagers, i was all there.  my heart was in it.  but how in the world would i convince my parents this was the right thing for me?  in writing, of course.  i really prayed and labored over this letter, trying to choose just the right words to explain why this was so important to me.  why i would put my loans on deferment for 3 years so i could commit to serving in this ministry where i would only be paid a very basic room-and-board stipend and depend on missionary support from others to help me along.  it was hard, and they weren't thrilled, but i had the peace of following my heart.  and that decision still blesses me today.  hugely.

so i'm reminded by these times of decision in my life, that i've got to stop doing what i think others want me to do, to stop waiting around for someone to tell me what to choose, and start listening to my heart.  i may not always like some of the consequences of my decisions, but where God starts fires and puts dreams in my heart, those dreams don't go away.  I can convince my mind for awhile, about what is the "smart" thing to do, and yes, there's wisdom in that, and in listening to others' advice, of course.  but the final decision...has to come from me.  my heart.  

and that's what woke me up at 4:30 this morning and wouldn't let me go back to sleep.

goodnight...or morning?

 

Ihop on hillsborough

Getting ready to shock an  old friend....



yes, i know God can do anything.

God could even do _________ (blank).

yes, I believe.

but...

God COULD also take a mountain and throw it into the sea.

yes, i believe.

But WOULD he?

why?  or why not?

And WOULD he?

why? or why not?

Tell me that, you mortal.

(blowing my nose into a napkin that smells of the pepper packet it was enclosed in plastic with..
..sniff, sniff, achoooo!!)

We pray.

We cry.

(i can't eat.)

We hug. (a real, good hug.)

We agree to disagree.

see you next week, at the lake.

now, across town for some better coffee.  the green mermaid has summoned me to this, one of her satellites. where i can sit in peace, unrecognized, yet still use my partner numbers for a discounted nonfat, no-whip mocha.

So this is what a restless heart must do when it has to roam.  it drives all day, all night, to find a place to spill its soul.  truly i know that my soul finds its content in God alone.  this blog is the plastic tube vaccum thingy at the bank's drive-thru, shooting my thoughts up to God, the Big Guy in the teller window.  only this tube has transparent walls, so people can catch a glimpse of my thoughts if they look hard enough, if they can catch the deeper meaning through the blur.  but its direction is to my banker, God, in the window.  He also lives in my heart.  no matter how fast i drive to get away from Him sometimes, no matter how loud i blare the car stereo to drown out His voice.  don't stop speaking, Lord.  and neither will i...neither will i.

time to leave the friendly but unfamiliar conversations of baristas with their regulars here, feels odd, like i'm eavesdropping on close friends, i know the drinks they speak of and how they're made, but their personal preferences, nuances, i know nothing of.  gotta go.  gotta try out the gym in this place, they have a pool.  worth the drive.  i need a soak.

now i'm done. really. not lying.