surface dive

i'm friends with the monster that's under my bed

get along with the voices inside of my head

you're trying to save me, stop holding your breath

and you think i'm crazy, yeah you think i'm crazy,

well it's nothing...

Surface dive:    a dive from the surface of the water to the bottom.  Surface diving may be preferable to a normal dive into the sea (off a jetty, for example), if the water depth is unknown, as it will prevent spinal injuries from a dive into shallow water.

So I'm considering doing a little surface dive here.  Been floating up too close to the surface lately.  Exposure causes sunburn.  Feeling like roadkill for scavenger sharks.  And it's trying to pull me into shallowness, where my spine is crushed. Time to dive deep, deep into unknown waters, into an anonymous  blog, where nobody knows who I am and I can once again spew my ugly thoughts with complete freedom.  Still tossing around ideas for a new name and place. Here's one last ugly thought before I surface dive:

Considering becoming a eunuch  I am so serious it's not funny. (I know, call me Lady Redundant Woman).  The only way I can behave myself in the eyes of God and others, and to not feel that sinking feeling of sadness and regret in this broken area of intimate relationships, is to cut off that side of my personality.  Dive deep into the cold quadrant of neutrality, of forever platonic relationships.  no more disappointments.  Then I shall be free.  Either that or die and go to my perceived idea of heaven, where soul mates are united, even if their earthly lifetimes spanned across centuries, for they now have new youthful bodies and will have perfect peace and love for eternity.  That's my idea of a perfect heaven.  Because God knows there's no perfect world.

here’s another ugly one:  “Lord, how long must this game of life go on?  I’m tired, I’ve had enough.  just want to go to sleep and never wake up.”

“Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave—what can you know?” (Job 11:7-8).