I had one of the most unusual conversations the other night at a bowling alley. A group of us from work had decided to get together, for the first time on a social basis, to go bowling. I chose not to bowl, as that's just not my thing, and so did this friend of mine, so she & I just hung out and watched and talked. a lot. too much, perhaps. see, she & I have sort of a weird relationship. she's young enough to be my daughter. her lifestyle and mine are at such polar opposites, it's crazy. and yet she is the one person at work whom i have opened up to about some things, and tonight i became the one person at work that she, too, has completely confided in about a recent development in her life. not that it would surprise anyone, the things she shared, as she is an extremely candid person, too candid, boundary-less when it comes to sharing personal and inappropriate information. or maybe it just seems that way because her whole life seems so shockingly inappropriate. whatever the case, it was still sweet to be greeted at the dimly lit bowling alley with a great big hug when i arrived, like she was waiting and hoping that i would come. (she'd texted me to make sure i was coming, otherwise she wouldn't be there...) Before I go on, let me mention that this friend has a condition called Asperger syndrome, which explains why she has such difficulty in social situations such as this, why our other co-workers avoid talking to her and why she feels hurt by this and gravitates towards quiet little me, an easy sounding board. Here's a little explanation of Asperger syndrome I found on betterhealth.vic.gov.au:
A person with Asperger syndrome may have trouble understanding the emotions of other people, and the subtle messages sent by facial expression, eye contact and body language are often missed or misinterpreted. Because of this, people with Asperger syndrome might be mistakenly perceived as being egotistical, selfish or uncaring.
These are unfair labels because the person concerned is neurologically unable to understand other people’s emotional states. People with Asperger syndrome are usually shocked, upset and remorseful when told their actions were hurtful or inappropriate.
People with Asperger syndrome can sometimes appear to have an ‘inappropriate’, ‘immature’ or ‘delayed’ understanding of sexual codes of conduct. This can sometimes result in sexually inappropriate behaviour. For example, a 20-year-old with Asperger syndrome may display behaviours which befit a teenager.
(www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au)
This easily explains how she creates a very weird atmosphere in our workplace quite often, like constantly. Hilarious, though, she's very funny, but things can get awkward quickly, and the frequent references to sexual topics, not only are they inappropriate in the work environment, but clearly out-of-place in any social context. And tonight she is in her element. Without the written and unwritten codes of conduct of the work environment, here she is free to talk as inappropriately as she wants, and sharing all her dirty laundry with me is exactly what she does. She and I are standing between our group's lane and the lane of the people bowling next to us. She moves around a lot while she talks, makes suggestive (embarrassing) gestures often, and twice we are told to get out of the way of these other people's lane. (a bowling alley staff person has even been summoned to order us out of the way at one point!) I was relieved to get her in a chair and out of view, especially after begging her NOT to demonstrate her twerking ability as she so loves to do. (and I was the one drinking a beer, she was totally sober!! oops, my bad...I know, I'm a stumbling block for new believers, but every now & then I just love a nice cold Bud Light Lime...) So the rest of our group is bowling and drinking and seemingly unaware of our rather odd conversations. Or so i thought. Turns out, as I found out the next day at work, they were actually picking up quite a bit of what we were saying (how could they not?) and were laughing their heads off at her behind her back. They later high-fived me and said how amazed they were that I was able to sit and listen to her go on and on, yet with a straight face through it all. hmmm. don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not. Honestly, I was so shocked at times that I simply had no words to say, and the things she told me just made me sad, not want to laugh.
Let me give you a little background info on her, and you'll understand why.. just a few tasty morsels that she confided in me, that could be used as juicy gossip if landing on the wrong ears: (I don't think anyone there knows about my blog, it's a private thing..) So here goes, a few of the many interesting titles or achievements that she can add to her resume:
- graduated high school at age 16 while in a rehab center.
- kicked out of 3 colleges
- went to detox for heroin addiction
-was a hooker,
-a stripper,
- a web cam & phone sex operator,
- knows where all the local strip clubs, "sleeze houses" and places to buy drugs are,
- and is frequently involved in many more despicable activities i don't even want to mention here.
- a current member of Alcoholics Anomynous (ok, at least that's a good thing..)
So why-oh-why do I tolerate her behavior and her constant stream of inappropriate discussions? Where in the world are my boundaries? I know, I'm a terrible wimp when it comes to setting boundaries with other people. Common sense would tell me that she really needs some serious psychological help with all her issues. She does. But yet there's another sense that I felt was more important to listen to. She was trusting me with all this, and her openness even led me to share stuff with her that nobody else at work knows about me. She had this sweet look on her face as I told her these things, and she simply said that she had nothing to offer me, she had no experience in that area but that I was more than welcome to call her anytime I needed someone to talk to. So there was a trust being built between us. And there's this sense that goes beyond the common sense, sort of a spiritual thing, or at least an intuitive thing, that told me I needed to just be her friend. How I wanted to tell her about Jesus at that point, but that was something I also needed to feel led to do, at the right time. The couple times i referred to church in any way, she either made a slightly derogatory comment about it, or she just clammed up, got this vacant far-away look on her face and wouldn't open up to me for awhile. I'm not your best evangelist here, never have been. Scared to death of saying the "J"-word in situations like this. usually. Not that I haven't been trained... have learned lots of ways of sharing, like using the little pamphlets about the 4 Spiritual Laws, which are great, keeps you focused and to the point in sharing the gospel...but I end up getting the order all mixed up and can never remember where scripture verses are from, need work on that. Just wanting to share my heart here. But maybe another time.
One more thing and I'll stop. She described a situation to me that left an image in my mind that I will never forget. She said that, unlike in the videos about strip clubs, there aren't these guys that bring out brooms and sweep up all the dollar bills on the floor for the "dancer" who just finished her performance. No, the reality is, when the music dies, and the spotlight's off, these girls have to get down on the floor, wearing whatever they had on at the end of their dance, (which is usually nothing) and crawl around on their hands and knees, picking up the bills that were thrown at them in a feverish moment of degrading "applause". wow. what an awful picture of public humiliation, the shame. I wonder what goes through their heads, do they ever wonder things like, "what if my mother were to see me now?" how sad. And how, in a strange way, I can sort of relate to this, this feeling of humiliation and public shaming. Just like the adulteress in the Bible, the one who was "caught in the act" by the Pharisees and brought before the people. (uh, excuse me, but where was the Guy Adulterer in this story? hmmm?) anyway, I just love how Jesus just treats her with compassion. not judgement. but says, "go and sin no more." I am so thankful that I asked Jesus into my heart at the age of 13. I know I messed up since then in a lot of ways, and could therefore relate in a small way to some of what my friend was saying, but I know that it was his grace and his Holy Spirit that kept me from getting dragged into even worse things.
So now what? yes, her story truly breaks my heart. I want to help her, yet I know I must also set my boundaries, both to keep myself from getting dragged down, too, and to point her to the cross. Keep our talk open, but gently turn her face toward the Lord. Let her see His loving eyes, those eyes that do not condemn, but are also flooded with tears for this child, whose heart has been so hardened by the world, so hurt and shamed by her lifestyle. That's all. just pray. pray for my friend. thank you.
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