to tell the truth

to tell the truth (healing drops of poison)

   when the truth is hard to swallow
it must be rephrased
day after day..


...month after month..
made visual, poetic, intellectual,
 
...technical, conversational, black & white, whatever it takes.

The biggest secrets are not
 kept maliciously
to withhold good things from another
but compassionately
to withhold the stabbing pain
those words would dispense.

  
Strength is having the courage
to dispense those
painful drops of truth
while standing firm,



not flinching,
not pretending.


but stating the truth in love
committed to caring
for the friend
for the friendship.

(why could that not happen long ago? whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy??

(and why is it such a sin to want to be a friend? to care for a person, be kind to them...)

oh well.  no sense living in regret.

I think that I am getting (ouch) stronger.

    
  

    

duos

There are not many things in this world that anger me more than when my Pandora glitches out on me while I'm on a run..and I'm left with dead air to listen to on my earphones.  Hate hate hate it.  I try to tell myself that it's not about the music, it's about the exercise...

the miles run,

 calories burned,

 muscles tightened,

glycogen released,

 lung capacity expanded, 

bloodstream cleansed,

frustrations vented,

demons unleashed..

but.....

it 

just 

doesn't

work.

I get sooooooo mad

I just wanna

punch out a tree,

round-house a stupid log,

or spit on a squirrel.

(ok, maybe not that, i love squirrels)

movement without music?

it just. doesn't. happen.

I cannot move without music.

I cannot listen to music without moving.

It's like...

religion without spirit,

a beat without a song,

ice cream without chocolate,

reason without romance,

Van Halen without David Lee Roth,

poetry without a muse,

mercy without truth,

dreams without a dreamer,

soup without a spoon,

cops without donuts,

a sunrise without coffee,

a wave without a crash,

a dancer without wings,

forgiveness without holiness,

love without spooning,

touch without holding,

Black-Eyed Peas without room to move,

beauty without sadness,

Cracker Jacks without a prize,

sailboats without subs,

a martyr without a cause,

journey without tragedy,

the most amazing things without something terrible,

a fire without melting,

a car without a radio,

lyrics without a beat.

finally

my pandora decides to cooperate again

gives me some good hard fast tunes to jam my jog

rock my run

gets me into my groove. 

where movement and music merge

and push me into the zone

where words start flowing in my head

and one day, someday in the future

they will invent some technical device that will enable me to be a

Telepathic Blogger,

meaning, of course,

that i can just float along in my run or my fitness class or whenever the zone hits and the words start flowing..

and all i have to do is turn on this thing in my brain which enables me to direct my thoughts directly to my blog and they are uploaded immediately.  No more of that awkward pause as I dash home, trying hard to remember the words in my brain, scrambling clumsily towards my spiral notebook and chromebook, clumsily tripping over myself, cursing at the dumb pen that won't work, and oh the audacity of that sharp edge of the table standing in the way of my bony hip- augggghhhh@#$%&*@#$#@#$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway.

so i'm listening to some good cardio-dance-rap, no-respect-for-ya-fool kind of stuff, when the song hits me that shakes me a little deeper... it's not exactly my story, not the details anyway, but it's the same cry of my heart...expressed in the song Blown Away by Carrie Underwood...





good thing i'm so good at holding things together, act all cool & collected on the outside, cuz on the inside this song is making me want to just run back home
and collapse
into
tears.

                                

                                           that's what running with music does to me.

silence before the song

sometimes i must coast
through the upper crust of life
ignoring the fires deep within me
in order to survive these times of transition & uncertainty

to allow my newly emerging butterfly
slowly creep out of its cocoon,
drying her wings
in the safety & privacy
of a shallow place,
before taking off into the blue..
into whatever dangers & thrills my new life may carry me.
re-creation in its tender stages.  milk before meat.

silence before the song.

free heart

There's something very refreshing about coming out of a relationship, out of a place where the real heart of hearts is not engaged, but instead locked in a cage while the rest of the person masquerades and pretends as if they are completely fulfilled in the heart, when they are not.  

Once freed from that false place, or even freed from the striving to reach that place when it is just not happening, then I can be true to myself and I can love my own heart, as only I know how to do. (and God, of course.)

Then I can more honestly seek God's presence, and allow Him to fill that special place in my heart, which is exactly the way love needs to start anyway.

quick song

this life
this pain
it all feels right
shake me
wake me
hold on tight
i know i'm where i need to be
just don't let go
don't let me go

dust pan

pssst!  is it safe here? i mean, nobody really reads this, right?  ok, good. i just need to share some junk & i don't even care if the next HR department in my next career finds this & sends me to a loony bin.

so i'm at work tonight, sweeping.  not much going on, only a couple customers in the store, 2 other employees.  just sweeping and thinking.  dark thoughts. here's what my post was going to be:  (entitled, dark questions:)  "is there a painless way to die?  is there a way to erase the memory of me from the minds of those who might miss me?  like uploading photos from a digital camera and erasing its memory, is there? and is there a place in heaven for those who give up? who decide there's just no place for them here anymore?"

i'm thinking these thoughts, they're sweeping through my brain like the broom across these coffee grounds, when suddenly this other employee pops up with a blender half-full of leftover frappucino, offering me some.  We both partake and i thank him, i needed that.  Seems he also needed someone to talk to, as he then just drops the news to me that his grandfather passed away today at 4 am and he's been up since then, spending the first half of the day at the hospital with the family, making funeral arrangements, etc.  I knew there was something wrong with this guy today, just not his normal happy self.  As he continues to talk about what a  great person his grandfather was, his eyes begin tearing up, he's wiping them with his green apron, until the moment he's too choked up to talk anymore and he shuffles back over to the drive-thru area, where he's either letting loose with his sobs or trying to regain his composure, i'm not sure which.  I'm standing there, leaning on my broom, wondering what to do next.  My instinct is to give him a big hug and let him cry it out, but..it's just so awkward,   I mean, I really don't know this guy that well, though we've had some good chats now & then, about his troubled family...we even talked at length about the Bible and what a cool dude he thought Jesus was, even though he held the belief that John the brother of  Jesus was gay.  This guy, by the way, is gay, which might make the hug a tiny degree less awkward, but still...   Later on this evening he makes his way over to me again, this time he starts opening up to me about how he used to be addicted to meth and some other really bad drugs, how he was homeless for awhile, flunked out of school, and then he stops and says, "I don't know why I'm telling you all this, it's not like you seem like a person that would do these things too...it's just that a lot of the people here would just judge me.."  

So my heart is really feeling heavy for this guy now... knowing more and more of his background, his struggles, his recent loss of his beloved grandfather.  I mention his loss to the closing manager as we're leaving, and she just says, "I know, it is unfortunate".  huh?  Unfortunate.  Such a typical, cold, politically-correct, good professional workplace response.   Where is the compassion for people these days?  People whose lives are already broken enough, and they're slashed with yet another heartbreaking event and someone can just label it "unfortunate"????

and now i'm also feeling like the world's biggest heel.  wallowing in my own pity party, thinking the world would be better off without me, and then i'm hit in the face with the reality of the darkness surrounding us everywhere.  maybe that's why i'm at this measley job.  To somehow be the light of Christ in a dark place.  I never met people like this in my former career.   could easily imagine that they didn't exist, or if they did, they weren't real people with real hearts and real tears, people that mattered.

Jesus, fill me up with more of you. more of your light.  forgive me for my selfishness.  pour me out onto your people.  pull out the junk that holds me back from making a difference in people's lives.  I trust you to do this with my life.  so i'm not just swept up into a dust pan, my memory erased from this earth.    amen.

spirit of the law

My Train Wreck Conversion

As a leftist lesbian professor, I despised Christians. Then I somehow became one.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2013/january-february/my-train-wreck-conversion.html

First of all, relax.  The above article is not about me. Nor is it about anyone I know.  It was shared by a facebook friend whose comment I really like:  "she went deeper than the right or wrong, but moved by kindness she looked at the deeper issue of her identity."

So go ahead and read it, then come back here, ok?

I am sharing this article because it moved me for multiple reasons.  

1. The woman was saved by Jesus' love, as demonstrated by people willing to love her as she is, not arguing Scripture or even trying to change her. They didn't try to send her subliminal "hints", they just loved her. They were patient and let her find her own truth, which was ultimately God's truth.

I try to avoid getting involved in the whole debate over homosexuality, as there’s already been too much talk on that topic.  Talk, talk, talk. People will use the verses in Leviticus to show how the Old Testament was a lot about rules and practices that are no longer in use today.  Others will bring up New Testament lists of sins, while others will argue that that same writer told women to cover their heads and men to cut their hair.  And then there's that verse in Genesis that says simply, God created them male and female. and there i go, joining in the talk. Talk, argue, judge, hate, apologize, rationalize, defend.  and talk some more.  But what we really need to do is love. it's a verb.  agape love. the kind of love they talk about here.  

"she went deeper than the right or wrong, but moved by kindness she looked at the deeper issue of her identity."

That's what I call bypassing the letter of the law and moving with the spirit of the law instead.  The law of kindness, that is.  The spirit of love that Jesus used.  God is amazing.  And we are amazing creations, made in His image. wow.  We are also very psychologically complex.  God knows that full well.  He sees our inmost being.  Sometimes our inner beings get twisted in ways that make us behave in ways that others cannot understand.  Yes, our twistedness will often lead us into sin.  We all sin, even the lesser of the twisteds.   But we all can love.  So instead of judging by the letter of the law, we should be loving in the spirit of the law.   Enough preaching. Time to make it personal. That brings me to my second reason for sharing, for why this article moved me so..

I hate getting personal.  But where we choose to be vulnerable, that's where we get stronger.  Not sharing inappropriately, but pushing past the fear of letting others see our true hearts. It's easy, oh so easy to write about, speak about what others should do with their lives.  But when it comes to opening up and allowing others to see your heart, that's where we just want to yell "Awkward!!!" and go run and hide. Especially if it's something you're still dealing with, then you're especially vulnerable.  It's one thing to share a hard experience in your past and how you learned from it, how you were saved from this thing by the blood of Jesus, hallelujah,, can i get an amen,.....it's quite another to say you're not there yet and are still searching for the answers. awkward, awkward.

ok, i'm still beating around that bush one more time, so here goes...

2.   The second big reason this article hits home so much for me is...and i'll probably un-publish this post a few seconds after posting it...is..is... well let me tell you about my sister.  I love my sister to death.  She and I have been like twins, best friends, since forever.  We're very much alike, both physically and how we're wired.  Sometimes when we were kids, people would ask if we were twins. We think alike in so many ways, and even though we've had our share of crazy fights in the past, and we're now hundreds of miles apart, we can still hop right into deep conversations and get along like we're still living under the same roof as kids again.  Just one big difference.  She's a lesbian.  I refuse to judge her, because I know her background, it is mine as well.  I know how she is wired.  I know she faces judgement from people on a daily basis, yet I see how she has allowed her being different make her stronger.  She is not rude to those who do not agree with her.  She always sees the good in people, no matter their differences, and she isn't afraid to tell them those good things. She inspires me to want to encourage people in my own life, to tell them things I admire about them, no matter how awkward it might seem.   I can relate to this article because it is how I would want people to treat my sister.  with love.

3.  And my third reason...my sister is a lesbian.  what? you say, I already said that?  yes, I did.  My sister is a lesbian, and because we are so close and similar, this article had implications for me as well.  No, I am not a lesbian.  Never was, never will be.  Yet there are still ways about me that I do not fully understand, only God does, and He is working on me. I have made choices in the past based on how I thought I was, only to find out I was not who I thought I was.    It's like, if something in you or something that happened to you makes you believe that you are a certain way, then you will make choices in life based on that belief.  You will deny any other natural tendencies or attractions because you have yourself convinced otherwise, if only in your head.  The brain is a powerful thing.  Now since first coming up with that thought in the previous sentence, (i've been kicking this blog post around as a draft for weeks!)  I have now discovered some new things about myself, weaknesses, areas of sin, emotional/psychological barriers I'm working through... that are helping me see things more clearly, live life more freely, the way it was intended.  "I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly,"  are the words Jesus used. (John 10:10)   These new things I am learning only because they were presented to me in love.  Not judgement, not subtle hints from strangers.   I am still learning, still on this road to emotional wholeness, to living life from an honest, whole heart.  Presenting myself, all of my self, to live out the life God has called me to.  Getting all these "self" issues taken care of so I can get back to reaching out to others with honest love, serving others with all the gifts and abilities God has blessed me with.

That's why I shared this article, that's why we were all created.  To live life with a whole heart, loving others the way Jesus did.   amen!

Seeking Higher Ground

I found this excerpt in a favorite devotional book I'm reading and just had to share:

Scripture: If sinners entice you, do not give in to them.   Proverbs 1:10

"It's easy to be misled by people who know your weaknesses and to revert back to familiar patterns.  People who knew the old you prefer to keep you defined by the old you.  It makes them feel better about their own rationalization or lack of progress, and it eliminates the need to understand why and how you have changed.  We cannot escape the temptations of the world, nor can we defeat them through our own strength.

"Choosing to walk with God is a series of choices.  It is submitting, every day, over and over, remaining in a holy state of dependence at all times.  We don't have to fight the enemy of sin.  We merely need to resist him and allow the Lord to fight on our behalf.

"We will never be tempted beyond what we can handle; we will always be given an escape route.  Watch for the exit signs and be ready to move."

by Kristin Armstrong, Happily Ever After
(end quote)

When I first came to know the Lord personally, I went through a huge transformation in just a few short summer months at a Bible camp where I worked as a counselor between my freshman and sophmore years of college.  I began the summer fresh out of a wild couple years of partying and carousing, both with my high school friends and those I met in my first year of college.  When I returned from that summer, I was so on fire for the Lord that I really shocked my old friends by my refusal to party with them or even joke about the things I used to, and instead caused them to think I was some kind of Jesus freak the way I just went on and on about my new-found faith and excitement for the Lord.  Looking back, I was still a pretty weak Christian in those days, floating along in the emotional high of conversion, but not really prepared for the battle against sin and backsliding that awaited me a few more months down the road.  I thought I could defeat the temptations in my own strength and in the power of my heightened emotions and love for Jesus.  I soon learned how wrong I was. Old friends who knew me before my transformation knew my weaknesses and could easily play upon them, luring me back into the old ways of sin.  Dependence on emotion and one's own strength is never the way to defeat sin. It truly involves submitting day by day, choice by choice, to choose God's way.

Now I'm in a new place in life.  The temptations aren't always the obvious ones of my youth.  Just navigating relationships with total honesty, no more hiding or people-pleasing, seems to be even harder than resisting a night of sinful indulgences was in earlier years.   And I'm learning that it's still a daily struggle, a daily submitting to God in every choice.  To walk in faith, speak the truth in love, even when it hurts, and trust God for the outcome.  To believe that God can renew and strengthen broken lives.  No more hiding. When others try to remind me of things done in the past, ways I behaved, I don't need to rationalize. That was then. This is now.  God has opened my eyes to the truth about myself and how I was living in denial and dishonesty for years.  I am no longer afraid to be who I am and speak my truth.  Well, that's a lie right there, of course it's still a scary thing to do.  So I need to stay close to the Father every day, depending on Him to help me in every single situation where I am fearful of speaking truthfully.  That is my truth.  my weakness.  Thank you, Jesus, for holding my hand and helping me overcome.  amen.

scab-free haiku

every time i talk
like scraping dead skin away
new skin can breathe. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

red haiku

here we go again
talking makes my stomach hurt
words like poison drip