Truth:
"In the face of great loss or challenge, we must choose to be open to God, to the experience and the lessons, and be deliberate about not shutting down. There was a period of time where I felt safer with my heart in lockdown. I figured if no one could reach my heart, no one could hurt it again. This is an emotional cop-out, and a spiritual error of grave consequence... It (is) insufficient to hide my heart away, that avoiding pain is not a way to live a life for God."
(Kristin Armstrong)
Monday, June 2, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
falling
Like a broken block tower...
Like dominos speedily descending...
Like composting food scraps..
deteriorating...
like everything in life...
must...
die...
or at least fall down.
I am falling down.
apart.
block by block.
domino by crashing domino.
what was once a plastic fruit salad
now is a rotten banana peel.
these things must die
so new things can come to life.
"for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."
Psalm 103:14
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives."
John 12:24
Like dominos speedily descending...
Like composting food scraps..
deteriorating...
like everything in life...
must...
die...
or at least fall down.
I am falling down.
apart.
block by block.
domino by crashing domino.
what was once a plastic fruit salad
now is a rotten banana peel.
these things must die
so new things can come to life.
"for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."
Psalm 103:14
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives."
John 12:24
Thursday, May 29, 2014
How to Superman Punch
hello again, this is cool. Robb sent this to us Mad Cary Moms on Facebook, and I wanted to "share" but couldn't risk my "nice girl" reputation there, (what would people think of me, a sweet mommy learning to knock people out? oh my...) so I'll share it here. Looks like fun, and I think I'll need to subscribe to this guy's video series, learn some new moves.
enjoy!
enjoy!
wiser from the fight
Going to these Body Combat classes have become more than learning technique and getting in shape. I'm finding all kinds of life lessons being worked in between the lines, subtle but strong.
I walk in right on time and feel like I'm an hour late. The masses have already claimed their spots and are firmly standing their ground. ugh. Too much testosterone in here, i think, and i'm not talking about the lone guy, the short Italian guy wearing grappling gloves identical to Robb the instructor's. The guy who keeps inserting his own snarky comments between tracks, much to the annoyance of the instructor, who finally throws back his own remark, something along the line of "ok, if you know so much, get your own certification"... (only slightly more politely)
These girls are tough, immovable. So I give up my "right" to my usual spot and quietly slip into the back row. Always good to take on a new view of things, i figure.
Today my view from the back has caused my easily-distracted mind to start comparing myself to these other BC class participants, mostly women, and even going so far as to pick them apart by weight classes and ability levels, sifting them out to find which ones would be a suitable match for me, if I were to actually fight one. hmmm, i'm thinking, this chick in front of me is packing some powerful punches with those thunderous shoulders, acts like a bully, and judging by those thunderous thighs, would obviously be in a higher weight class. (hey, sorry, i just call them as i see them!) But still, that lack of lower body mobility might serve as an advantage to me... I see myself nimbly snaking my legs around those lazy wobbly thighs, tripping her down to the floor, using my dancer's agility advantage, stunning her with my quickness and trapping her before delivering the hardest blows I can muster. ahh, one down, who's next?
But first, more training. Knee strikes with extra punch. Pull the opponent's head down to my knee with a mighty CRACK to the skull. We repeat these for a looong time.
Some oldies-but goodies, like the karate track to Pink's "your hand" song. We've done this so many times, i know the words by heart and can't help singing along.
Someone's birthday request of my favorite muay thai track, "Speed". Thrashing street brawler blows, and some hard elbow strikes. LIVID ELBOWS!!! i'm thinking as i imagine slashing a letter "X" across my opponent's face with my elbows. A bloody RED X, that is.
A funny comment from Robb, during a song with muchkin-like voices he compares to the Lollipop Guild guys on the Wizard of Oz and says of that movie, "A perfect chick flick: two women killing each other over a pair of shoes". ha, good one, Robb.
One whole track of esquivas and lunges till our quads and glutes are screaming along to the song, "ayiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!"
A loooooong string of repeated jab-crosses, shoulders burning, until Rob screams out, "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!!!!!"
Good advice. I'll remember that.
Robb isn't quite his usual fighting self today; he's recovering from a bad sinus infection, so sometimes he takes a break for a few counts, walks around and critiques our technique instead of giving it his all. (he still has to mop up his puddle of sweat afterwards, of course, but perhaps it was less than the usual.)
I learn from this, as well.. I've learned that, if your teacher or leader is lacking in combative energy or passion, it is very difficult to maintain one's own energy or passion. It's hard to follow a weak-spirited, lukewarm leader. You begin to lose your own heat, your own fighting strength. Choose carefully whom you follow.
And that's my combative wisdom for today.
Time to shower and put on my ninja suit.
Real life requires wisdom from the ring.
I walk in right on time and feel like I'm an hour late. The masses have already claimed their spots and are firmly standing their ground. ugh. Too much testosterone in here, i think, and i'm not talking about the lone guy, the short Italian guy wearing grappling gloves identical to Robb the instructor's. The guy who keeps inserting his own snarky comments between tracks, much to the annoyance of the instructor, who finally throws back his own remark, something along the line of "ok, if you know so much, get your own certification"... (only slightly more politely)
These girls are tough, immovable. So I give up my "right" to my usual spot and quietly slip into the back row. Always good to take on a new view of things, i figure.
Today my view from the back has caused my easily-distracted mind to start comparing myself to these other BC class participants, mostly women, and even going so far as to pick them apart by weight classes and ability levels, sifting them out to find which ones would be a suitable match for me, if I were to actually fight one. hmmm, i'm thinking, this chick in front of me is packing some powerful punches with those thunderous shoulders, acts like a bully, and judging by those thunderous thighs, would obviously be in a higher weight class. (hey, sorry, i just call them as i see them!) But still, that lack of lower body mobility might serve as an advantage to me... I see myself nimbly snaking my legs around those lazy wobbly thighs, tripping her down to the floor, using my dancer's agility advantage, stunning her with my quickness and trapping her before delivering the hardest blows I can muster. ahh, one down, who's next?
But first, more training. Knee strikes with extra punch. Pull the opponent's head down to my knee with a mighty CRACK to the skull. We repeat these for a looong time.
Some oldies-but goodies, like the karate track to Pink's "your hand" song. We've done this so many times, i know the words by heart and can't help singing along.Someone's birthday request of my favorite muay thai track, "Speed". Thrashing street brawler blows, and some hard elbow strikes. LIVID ELBOWS!!! i'm thinking as i imagine slashing a letter "X" across my opponent's face with my elbows. A bloody RED X, that is.
A funny comment from Robb, during a song with muchkin-like voices he compares to the Lollipop Guild guys on the Wizard of Oz and says of that movie, "A perfect chick flick: two women killing each other over a pair of shoes". ha, good one, Robb.
One whole track of esquivas and lunges till our quads and glutes are screaming along to the song, "ayiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!"
A loooooong string of repeated jab-crosses, shoulders burning, until Rob screams out, "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!!!!!"
Good advice. I'll remember that.
Robb isn't quite his usual fighting self today; he's recovering from a bad sinus infection, so sometimes he takes a break for a few counts, walks around and critiques our technique instead of giving it his all. (he still has to mop up his puddle of sweat afterwards, of course, but perhaps it was less than the usual.)
I learn from this, as well.. I've learned that, if your teacher or leader is lacking in combative energy or passion, it is very difficult to maintain one's own energy or passion. It's hard to follow a weak-spirited, lukewarm leader. You begin to lose your own heat, your own fighting strength. Choose carefully whom you follow.
And that's my combative wisdom for today.
Time to shower and put on my ninja suit.
Real life requires wisdom from the ring.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
midnight listening (haiku)
ear pressing up tight
to the side of my heart now
hearing clearly now
Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God.
Maya Angelou
1928-2014
(tweeted May 23, 2014)
comfort in honesty
i'm not doing well right now.
i'm struggling.
i don't fit in with most people.
i'm not ok.
i need help.
Those 5 statements actually bring me great relief and comfort to spit out, painfully honest as they are. i'm tired of trying to hold it all together, pretending everything's fine. i'm the mature grownup, right? i'm supposed to know what i'm doing? yeah right. in your dreams. i feel like i've been on the upper spaces of the preschool game, Chutes & Ladders, & i just landed on the "chute" that takes me all the way back down to the beginning of the game. back to square one.
oh but when it's time to be around "people" again, those acquaintances, the majority of people i "know" who only really "know" the mask i wear, i'll act like all's fine. there aren't many "safe" people i can share these thoughts with. most people just don't "get" me. that's why i share here. where nobody i know reads this, and even those who do are shrouded in internet anonymity, like the priest who sits behind a screen in a catholic confession booth. (or so i've seen it in the movies, i'm not catholic, don't really know..) this blog is my confession booth. (forgive me, internet priest, it has been a full 20 hours since my last confession...", or at least i think they say something like that...) hmm, maybe i should've been a catholic. this confession thing really is refreshing..
till we meet in this booth again.... see ya later."Father Blog".
i'm struggling.
i don't fit in with most people.
i'm not ok.
i need help.
Those 5 statements actually bring me great relief and comfort to spit out, painfully honest as they are. i'm tired of trying to hold it all together, pretending everything's fine. i'm the mature grownup, right? i'm supposed to know what i'm doing? yeah right. in your dreams. i feel like i've been on the upper spaces of the preschool game, Chutes & Ladders, & i just landed on the "chute" that takes me all the way back down to the beginning of the game. back to square one.
oh but when it's time to be around "people" again, those acquaintances, the majority of people i "know" who only really "know" the mask i wear, i'll act like all's fine. there aren't many "safe" people i can share these thoughts with. most people just don't "get" me. that's why i share here. where nobody i know reads this, and even those who do are shrouded in internet anonymity, like the priest who sits behind a screen in a catholic confession booth. (or so i've seen it in the movies, i'm not catholic, don't really know..) this blog is my confession booth. (forgive me, internet priest, it has been a full 20 hours since my last confession...", or at least i think they say something like that...) hmm, maybe i should've been a catholic. this confession thing really is refreshing..
till we meet in this booth again.... see ya later."Father Blog".
WARNING: Violent Street Fight (Gracie Breakdown)
Got this in my inbox today. Some interesting thoughts about fighting, street fighting vs. sport fighting. The "violent" video really isn't that violent, I didn't even see any blood, and it's just used as an example for the point these guys are making...
I never really understood the whole idea of "learning to fight, so you don't have to.." and why little kids should be encouraged to take up the sport of martial arts or some time of fighting, in order to learn "discipline" and self-esteem, etc. I always thought that was kind of an oxymoron, an excuse to just learn to fight each other. But through my own experience in taking some instruction in boxing and getting a taste of the other forms through Body Combat class, I'm beginning to understand, to feel this confidence that comes from learning these techniques. I'm also learning that if it's not a life-or-death situation, like these Gracie boys explain, it's just Not Worth Fighting. I get it. I like what they have to say here, things about learning Jiu-Jitsu in order to diffuse the enemy humanely, non-violently. Knowing one's "combative energy". (wow, i know i've got a lot of that floating around lately!!) Keep that energy low, be calm, self-controlled, so if the situation does come up, you can control your position and theirs, and nobody has to get hurt. Learn Jiu-Jitsu to avoid fighting altogether, but also to deal with the situation humanely, non-emotionally, if the fight does go down. They talk about street vs. sport behavioral patterns.
Then they get into more technical things, starting with the idea, "if you're not comfortable on your back, you will give your back to the enemy." They start demonstrating technique and that's when my brain goes foggy because I haven't been trained in any of that stuff, but still, it's interesting.
And the reason I include this kind of stuff in this blog, is because I'm finding these concepts very helpful to me as I continue this journey I'm on. Lots of emotional things within me are being dug up and worked out on the physical level, and that's where the fight training fits in. Still a newbie here.
Enjoy.
I never really understood the whole idea of "learning to fight, so you don't have to.." and why little kids should be encouraged to take up the sport of martial arts or some time of fighting, in order to learn "discipline" and self-esteem, etc. I always thought that was kind of an oxymoron, an excuse to just learn to fight each other. But through my own experience in taking some instruction in boxing and getting a taste of the other forms through Body Combat class, I'm beginning to understand, to feel this confidence that comes from learning these techniques. I'm also learning that if it's not a life-or-death situation, like these Gracie boys explain, it's just Not Worth Fighting. I get it. I like what they have to say here, things about learning Jiu-Jitsu in order to diffuse the enemy humanely, non-violently. Knowing one's "combative energy". (wow, i know i've got a lot of that floating around lately!!) Keep that energy low, be calm, self-controlled, so if the situation does come up, you can control your position and theirs, and nobody has to get hurt. Learn Jiu-Jitsu to avoid fighting altogether, but also to deal with the situation humanely, non-emotionally, if the fight does go down. They talk about street vs. sport behavioral patterns.
Then they get into more technical things, starting with the idea, "if you're not comfortable on your back, you will give your back to the enemy." They start demonstrating technique and that's when my brain goes foggy because I haven't been trained in any of that stuff, but still, it's interesting.
And the reason I include this kind of stuff in this blog, is because I'm finding these concepts very helpful to me as I continue this journey I'm on. Lots of emotional things within me are being dug up and worked out on the physical level, and that's where the fight training fits in. Still a newbie here.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Headlights
the best part of working a late-night job:
the drive home.
quiet streets
dark skies
quiet mind
favorite tunes on radio
time to think
my "me" time
no lights on at home
no one waiting up for me
i could drive all night
when i reach my corner
and another good song comes on
i drive on by
go an extra mile or so
to soak up the music
finish my thoughts
clear out my heart
blackness covers the windows
if there were anyone else out there
which there isn't
they wouldn't see my face
my expression
i am free
to be me
just me & my thoughts.
perfect.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Eminem - Headlights (Explicit) ft. Nate Ruess
I can't hear this song or watch this video without tearing up a little bit. Not anything in particular, just the general theme of broken lives, broken families, sad childhood memories, unspoken words, regret, sad stuff like that. Eminem has a way with expression. a real poet.
Bullied Asian girl fights back
ok, quick disclaimer here....i am in no way a proponent of physical street fighting as a means of settling disputes...however, i have to admit enjoying this video a bit, just that human reflex that likes to see justice served when someone is needlessly bullied and harassed by another. This was sent to our Mad Cary Moms Facebook group by our Body Combat instructor, Robb, with the message;
"just three words: downward brawler blow"
yes. reminds me of our body combat class yesterday, from which i was too exhausted to write about afterwards, especially since i also stayed for the following body flow class..
my only critique of this great asian brawler girl: pull that elbow back a bit further to put more power into that punch. and nice job pulling the other girl's hair, whatever works. hairpulling hurts, i know, i have a big sister.
"just three words: downward brawler blow"
yes. reminds me of our body combat class yesterday, from which i was too exhausted to write about afterwards, especially since i also stayed for the following body flow class..
my only critique of this great asian brawler girl: pull that elbow back a bit further to put more power into that punch. and nice job pulling the other girl's hair, whatever works. hairpulling hurts, i know, i have a big sister.
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