freedom

sometimes our battles
are won in the spiritual
long before
they are manifested in the physical.

Baby steps

crash and burn...

...examining the ashes... 

.  

                                                                 ...writing it out...

...fighting it out...

  

...getting stronger.....

...getting wiser...

  

...getting back to work...

  

finding my peace...

   

baby steps.

the journey continues.

in my dreams

in my dreams
i am living in a tropical place
by the sea

living out my days
alone is fine
barefoot
writing books
surfing

maybe serving up coffee
in a little shop
that sells my paintings
working in an orphanage

or something like that

teaching dance or yoga
growing my own coffee beans
pineapples
coconuts
and papayas
making them into smoothies

that i serve family & friends
who stay in my guest house
drop by anytime
just silly dreams
for a grey day
in chilly suburbia

wednesday praise & prayer

Encouraging song of the day:  You're an Overcomer by Mandisa

Prayer Requests for the Day: Freedom, Healing, Direction, Provision.

Amen.

in the zone

body pump.  first time back to this gym since...oh-gosh-i'm-so-embarassed-to-say-this...since about 6 weeks ago, yikes.  no wonder i'm feeling like they should call it body puff for me, cuz that's what i'm feelin like, a bag of fluff, a bunch of puff instead of muscles.  oh well.  i drag my rear into class, set up my risers for the chest presses and flies, tricep work, weave in and out of the others, dodging weights and poles as we gather up our ammunition.  for the fight against flab, that is.

 i take my spot in the front row of class. the one place in my life where i love the front row.  where i can see the teacher, where i can analyze my own form, and where i can't get distracted by the others in front of me and get tempted to judge and critique them with snarky thoughts. no, i don't want that scenario. yeah, that's what i love about these group exercise classes: it's the one place in my week where i feel no judgement. i work my hardest, sweat my heart out, nobody criticizes me, even in my head, for once the music starts, i'm in the Zone, and nothing can bother me.  more on that in a sec...

i also love having an instructor telling me what to do and coaching me on. I'm so lost here, having been out of the loop for awhile, that i'm totally at a loss for what weights to put on my bar next, can't remember what weights i was used to using, just glad i had dragged out a plethora of those iron plates, all strewn around my mat, so i can sit like a contented baby in a pile of ring toys, deciding which size plastic ring goes on the pole next. (remember those things? oh never mind..)

music. warm-up. muscle memory kicks in. i remember this stuff, love it.  especially squats.  big loud boom boom music and pressure of the bar on my back as i sink into those squats...oh yeah... I...boom boom boom.....LOVE.....boom boom boom.....SQUATS!!!

i turn into a dumb jock with nothing else on my mind but these gutteral grunts and thumps and presses that push out all other thoughts from my head.

i am in the zone.

not to change the subject, but this reminds me of a really awesome article i read recently, entitled "18 Things Highly Creative People Do Differently".

(here's the link..copy, paste, read it now or later..)  I am in no way trying to assert that I am this wonderfully creative genius that everyone should bow down to, only that I can relate to a lot (or most) of these characteristics and they give me assurance that maybe not such a raving lunatic after all!)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/04/creativity-habits_n_4859769.html?utm_hp_ref=tw&utm_content=bufferfdde1&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

anyway, the part i'm thinking of is about this "zone" we get into... here's a blurb from the article:

They lose track of the time.

Creative types may find that when they're writing, dancing, painting or expressing themselves in another way, they get "in the zone," or what's known as a flow state, which can help them to create at their highest level. Flow is a mental state when an individual transcends conscious thought to reach a heightened state of effortless concentration and calmness. When someone is in this state, they're practically immune to any internal or external pressures and distractions that could hinder their performance.

You get into the flow state when you're performing an activity you enjoy that you're good at, but that also challenges you -- as any good creative project does.

"[Creative people] have found the thing they love, but they've also built up the skill in it to be able to get into the flow state," says Kaufman. "The flow state requires a match between your skill set and the task or activity you're engaging in." (end quote)

This is SO TRUE about me!!! I love this zone state!!!  I totally get into this zone, not just when I'm set up to do something creative, like writing or painting or dancing...but when I'm doing any kind of physical exercise to music.  

But I also get distracted, like any good ADHD-type creative type can understand... like when I finish my class and head to the treadmill to finish off with a run for some cardio...  I"ve got my tunes on and the TV screen in front of me is set to a channel with a UFC fight going on, in Japan, I think.  And I realize that for as much as I love doing my weekly Body Combat class and an occasional class at the boxing gym, I never really watch these fights.  I'm enjoying this visual entertainment while my head pounds to its own Pandora-induced music.  Barefoot fighters in grappling gloves,  i think they're called, using technique and such a beautiful dance, a balance between offense and defense.  pause to wipe off the blood.  very interesting.  the whole mental concentration thing fascinates me.  they are so in the zone.  love how they lock eyes before the fight, staring down their enemy, before they tap their gloves together and retreat to their corners, ready to take down the enemy.  so it is with life.  can't be scared to look the enemy in the eye.  know your strength.  know your strategies.  know what you're up against. proceed with a little bit of cautious, little bit of humble, lots of tiger.  

did i say i get distracted? 

finish the run, step off the treadmill, trying to walk straight while having that weird feeling in my feet like i'm still spinning on the treadmill, plus the booms in my head make me feel like i am literally floating out of that gym.  on a cloud.  totally. in. the. zone.  

i'll be back.

mad as a hatter

If this is what it's like...

to go crazy
insane
totally nuts-o
bezerk
emotionally troubled
schizo
mentally ill
deranged
out of reality
certifiable
demented
of unsound mind
sick in the head
lunatic
unhinged
disturbed
raving
psychotic
mad as a hatter...




then hot dang! I think I like it!
 I have never been more relaxed, at peace with myself, sometimes even joyful, lighthearted and laughing out loud for no reason..than I have been becoming day by day.
 No, it hasn't been a bed of roses, these past 15 months have been the hardest in my life, and the journey ain't over yet,
but these breaks in the clouds,
 rays of light,
 little things that make me smile,
have made it all worth it.
It's so weird that this is what it took for me to finally feel comfortable in my own skin.  I may never get the world to understand this new me.
some may hate me,
some may veer away from me, ('stay away from the crazy lady, kids...")
some may feel sorry for me or try to change me..
they don't like the new me.  this new me that's really the old me with its snakeskin shed behind me, lying in a decaying heap in the past.

just thoughts.

pass the tea, Alice...drink up!!!!
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

on just being myself

(just some self-reflection here...no big deal)

it's ok if not everybody likes me.  i used to not be ok with that.  now i am.  that's a huge step for me.  sure, i still want to please everyone and make people happy...and i can't say i never struggle with the issue anymore...but when it really comes down to it...i gotta be who i am, and if i don't like myself, that's much worse than what others think of me.  and one thing that i have not been able to stand about myself in the past has been not being my true self.  being scared and nervous and acting like i think people want me to act instead of just being myself.  if that makes any sense.  i am so much more relaxed and at peace when i am being the person i am, warts & jewels & all, than when i'm trying to act all prim and proper (on one extreme) or degrading myself, acting like i have no self-respect, to the other extreme.  i have lived in both places, and neither felt right.  i am somewhere in-between.  knowing i am justified by grace and faith, i don't worry so much about acting perfect all the time, yet knowing Who I belong to also keeps me from burying my crown in the stinky mud of a careless, dirty, hopeless life.

if only...if only.  i don't like to live in regret, but just sayin... if only i'd learned this important lesson years and years ago.  not only would i have prevented some great hurts that i have caused by not being open & honest about my true feelings, but i also would've enriched the lives of others around me more, had i been my own original self, completely me, free to love others with an honest heart instead of hiding behind a wall of fear and pretense.  like i said, no use living in regret.  move on.

and that's my thought for the day. well, one of them. i have lots. ;-)

red joy

I'm sitting alone at the breakfast table, gazing out the window at the grayness of it all.  Gray, leaf-less trees, grey skies, grey rotting wood of the deck...when all of a sudden...

..."this" appears...it's this beautiful red cardinal, a gorgeous speck of bright, eye-popping red in a landscape of grey.  I am delighted. calmed. given hope by this small piece of loveliness in my vision.  I look down to fumble for a camera, look up again, and...it's gone.

 I'm sad, yet happy, to have been given that momentary speck of hope in a dismal background.

 Like my thoughts these days.  I have been lower than lower than lower than lower than I have ever been in my entire life, no lie, yet now & then something so random and beautiful comes along, takes me by surprise and gives me joy.

Just small things.  Like, a hug from a co-worker who could tell I was feeling down.  A random comment from a customer who said that I had "beautiful, happy features". (wow, isn't it ironic??)
Reminds me of a quote I read recently, that said something like "Be faithful in the small things, for..therein your strength lies," , or was it, "it's all about the small things"?  I forget. but.. Small things.  That's about all I'm capable of these days.  I've made some major messes, made major mistakes in some big things, yet there are still small things I can do.  Smile at that grumpy person who's just having a bad day.  Squirt a little extra whipped cream on that frappucino for the woman who had to scrounge in her purse for the extra change to pay for this expensive treat.  Say a prayer for someone who has a need that might seem small in comparison to my own dramas, yet do it with a generous heart.  Maybe it's just my way to get through the day.  Encouraging others encourages me.  Doesn't justify my wrongs, but it gives me reason to live.  And in these dark days, I need to acknowledge that there is still light in the world.  Even if I have to pull it out of the dark clouds myself.  It's there if we choose to see it.

I apologize for the dark words regurgitated onto these pages in recent times.  I won't take them back, because on some days, they are part of who I am.  I cannot deny who I am.  And one day if I ever write a novel based on this journey I"m on, I will need to clearly re-experience the darkest times as well as the brightest, so I can clearly communicate the whole story, not just the candy-coated parts.

But I also want to balance them out, and make a commitment to myself and to my world, that I will reach in deeper, into my heart, for those small handfuls of light, of generosity, that are there if I choose to see them.  And instead of puking up so much gory dark talk, I will share bits of light each day.  Find the good in the bad.  The sweet in the sour.  The light in the dark.

 Even if it's something so small as a red cardinal sitting on a branch in a grey landscape of cold winterness.  A red speck of color that is there for a few second, and then flies away.

thank you, little bird.

P.s.

Don't even tempt me
..

Death smells sweet compared to my options. I think my critics would approve, too. Rid this world of another selfish sleezy piece of #@$%&. Just take me Jesus.

Knee jerk reaction

ok, satan, so basically i'm potiphar's wife, a stinkin sleeze bag and should join you in hell.  great. thanks. i needed that. razor, please.