Onion heads

Opening up and sharing your heart with a group of people you're just learning to trust is like peeling the skin off an onion.

You start with the light, flaky stuff on the outside. You know, that stuff everyone sees anyway, and it's so dry it just flakes off easily. The stuff you know people can relate to, you can make jokes about it. Light stuff.

Then it gets a little juicier. This is where the onion might make you want to cry a little. You have 3 choices:

#1- Stop right there. Decide you don't want to cry, you don't want to go any deeper. And that's ok. for now.

#2- You can keep going, but you figure out a way to keep the tears from falling. I've heard that keeping your mouth closed and breathing through your nose works, as does peeling the onion in the sink under running water. Or you just turn off your heart and speak with your head, stating the facts without getting the emotions involved. I've learned to do this when I need to be honest about how I feel but don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Or...

#3- You keep on going, courageously baring your soul, pushing through the tears, exposing each and every ugly layer of onion skin, till you get to the core. And all those layers just lie there, naked, exposed, fumigating the air with with their stench and bringing tears to the courageous few who dare to come closer.

All analogies aside, this is hard stuff. You don't bare your deepest hurts to just anyone.

(to be continued, I'm getting sleepy....)

:)

 

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mind over muscles

My dearest Blogsy, hello! How good it is to see your bright white screen shining up at me, waiting expectantly for me to throw some digital ink upon you! I've been thinking about you and couldn't wait to tell you what's on my mind.

So much so, I must confess, that I was quite distracted while at the gym yesterday and barely heard what my Body Pump instructor was telling us during class. I kept thinking of the words I wanted to share with you, instead of concentrating on reps and positions and weights and postures and breathing and when to add more plates to the bar.

I was wimpy. While my faithful instructor used heavy plates, gritted her teeth, yelled and pumped till her skin shone pink, I'd sheepishly chosen only a few lightweight plates and just went through the motions, my mind elsewhere. Till the cool-down song, when my brain peeked out for just a moment, as it heard the voice of Kris Allen and some song about an elephant? no, that can't be right, must've been something else. 'Course I'm not really listening to the lyrics anyway, so focused on my cool-down stretches, I am...

 

 

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Procrastination

I just love Pinterest. I can scroll away the hours, just savoring all that good eye candy, without having to really use my brain. Or my emotions. And right now, those two things are ready to break some circuits, so I'd rather keep them turned off. So much more fun to gaze upon...

inspiring exercise photos...

beautiful beach scenes...(ahh, nice time to escape...)

or fun clothes, kid crafts, funny quotes, recipes, etc, etc, etc. It's my alternative to cable tv, which we don't have and don't miss anyway, except for hgtv.

And that's as deep as this submarine can go tonight. I'm checking my heart at the door of the keypad. As the Bible says somewhere, "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."(Prov. 4:23)

Sometimes it is good to share one's heart in a blog, when it can bring understanding and insight to someone else, and sometimes God needs to do some work in that mess before it's ready to be shared as a testimony to God's grace. Even if it's still a work in process. And that process is something I'm going to work on with Him in just a few minutes...but first...

just a little more pinning...

(oops, photos pasted too big, that was awkward...)

 

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talking to the trees: some wet reflections

I love the woods after a rain...

 

the fresh smell of clean earth,

rain-dappled bamboo....

my image in a puddle...

and the soft cushion of mud beneath my feet.

Thanks, trees, for this lovely conversation.

I can always think better out here..

 

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Free falling

I'm slipping, falling

Just the hard ground to catch me

Jesus break my fall

 

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journaling

journaling deeper

asking myself hard questions

answers leave me raw.

**************************

figuring things out

why i am the way i am

sometimes life ain't fair

****************************

closing the book now

can't go any deeper yet

too much to swallow

 

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tighten fist upon impact (Bad Donkey Mama)

Tighten fist upon impact, yes...but do not attempt while driving. how do I know? just got done punching my transmission out of gear, had to pull over, awkward....

ok, so just a quick synopsis of my Body Combat class yesterday... (quick? hahaha..)

I walk in. Regulars are territorial, we pick our spot in the room, no one dares take that spot. I find mine, in front, good view of instructor. Then as usual, Miss Sweats-and-Smells-Profusely-Like-a-Man trots in late, skips to the front, blocks my view. grrrrr. my inner tiger starts to rumble. I glance to my left. Woman in Blue is exchanging a knowing glance with Lady in Red. I know what they're thinking: Last time after class their locker room gossip entailed how badly this poor woman smells, and how it almost made Ms. Blue sick during the muay thai elbow strikes. I hate to get involved in gossip, and I also wouldn't like to get on Ms. Profusely-Smells bad side if she ever caught wind of the gossip (no pun intended, wind, get it?) as she looks pretty tough, even with her arms down!

ok, moving on... Warm-Up: Mr. Rob announces that he is volunteering to do a free combat training class this Sunday at 2 pm, just to focus on techniques of the different forms of combat. sounds fun. Guess I'll have to limit my consumption of chicken wings at Sunday dinner, or muay thai will become muy grosso puke-fest!

Funny to be doing punches to the remix version of "call me maybe".

"Where do ya think you're going, baby?" Rob challenges us, "To the front! Knock me down!" All 25 of us Mad Cary Moms gallop to the front, jab, cross, jab, double-time jab, upper-cut, gallop back, repeat.

"Hey, no fair! that's 25 against one!"

I'm enjoying this today. Have a real opponent in mind. Feelin' fierce.

"On the point of impact, squeeze your fist! BAM!!!" oh yeah, i'm likin' this...

Capoeira track. Get into the flow of ginga movement, ginga kick..then that move, I think it's a double-leg takedown, we lunge & swoop arms down, grab opponent's leg & jerk it up, repeat. (hearing skulls cracking on the floor) Later watched some videos of Capoeira, I think I'd really love doing this, especially with my modern dance background, love the whole flow thing goin' on...

Karate vs. Taikwondo: chop-" use that fleshy part of the hand, the part that got pencil lead all over it as a kid at school".. Cross Guard- "Guard that baby make-up!!", back and front snap kicks, "Really SHOVE!!!"

"Class split in half, face your opponent." I pity the poor woman who's facing me. Don't mean to brag or belittle, but she looks like she forgot to eat her Wheaties this morning.

"Mad Cary Moms, what's my favorite word?" We all respond: "HOOOOOOAAAHHHH!!!!!"

We gallop & jab, hook, uppercut...Rob cracks jokes, I crack up. ("Quit it, you idiot!! I'm losing my concentration here!!!")

Halfway through I refill my water bottle, red-faced and drenched already.

Muay Thai, a killer as usual. Shoulder crunch, swing, lawn mower move. (don't know the real word for it) My opponent is DOWN, & yet I keep on smacking his face with my fist. I have no mercy.

Final boxing segment: Rap song has lyrics about Jeffrey Dahmer in it. nice...

"'Long arms, no half-punches!!"

Last song: "I usually like to end with an angry song, but this one is a happy song. But you know what, Mad Cary Moms? If the song is happy, you just bring your own angry Bad (donkey) to class with you! Or if you come to class NOT a bad (donkey), we'll turn you into one!!!!"

yes, he will.

Stats: 60 minutes blood, sweat and tears

32 oz. water chugged between sets

1700 punches thrown (is that right? Rob says so...)

This has been a pleasure.

Hooooaaaahhh!!!

 

 

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Tunneling through

Throughout this process, I am finding out what I need in my life. My emotional/relational needs. It may take time, but I am willing to put forth the effort to eventually get those things in place so I may enjoy the rest of my life in peace, love and unrestrained joy. no more masks.

Like I said, it may take some time. There may be times of darkness,

 

of pain, of confusion. But I will press on, knowing there is a light

at the end of the tunnel. When I reach that light, this internal focus I've had can transition to an outward one again. A focus on the dreams, gifts and passions God has placed in my heart and how He wants to use me in the lives of others. To pursue ministry, personal goals and dreams. To write more creatively.

God uses these times of brokenness to purify us so we can minister to others

from a place of wholeness and understanding. Yet before He can do that work through us, we have to allow Him to do a work IN us!

I thank God for the "trigger" that started this whole process. This whole "funk" I've been in.

God's timing is weird sometimes, His ways definitely mysterious. But He is faithful, and good.

All the time.

Now. Time for that Body Combat class.

Part of my therapy, that kicking and punching.

Yup, I am getting stronger.

So let's go kick some...(donkey?) :)

(sorry, I know, I'm a bit rough around the edges..God help me..!!) :)

 

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Seasons Change.

Enjoying my iced cafe mocha. Wishing I could just sit and chat about pleasantries. But that was a different season. This is now. And why do I choose to blog about this kind of junk? Wouldn't it be just as beneficial to keep my personal journal and keep it personal, to rid myself of these thoughts in private? well I do. But there's a part of me that still has a silent prayer that there's someone out there who can relate to some of this. I know from my stats that I even have some readers in Eastern Europe. wild. If even ONE person out there is occasionally nodding their head, thinking "yeah, I know how that feels", then I feel my blog has a purpose. How I wish I could've grown up in the era of the internet, when I could just go online and google blogs about this or that, find someone halfway around the world who's experienced some of the same things I have, instead of just living my life thinking I was the only one.. that would've been great.

ok I can't procrastinate any longer. My real purpose for writing today is to say.... crying sucks.

yes, it does. I will do anything I can to avoid it. Make a joke. Act silly. Act tough. Ignore someone. Ignore my feelings. Change the subject. Walk out of the room. Go for a run. get busy. write a longer to-do list. oh there's a million things I can do to avoid it.

Crying makes a person look weak. Helpless. Vulnerable. Like a hurt animal in the wild, they are the ones the predators will prey upon. I'm not going there again.

So when I'm given an assignment on forgiveness, that involves going back and reliving memories, to write an un-sendable letter to someone who hurt me, to tell them what I want them to experience as punishment for what they did to me, and then to choose to forgive them anyway. ouch. I don't wanna go there, Lord. I'd rather put on a happy face, say "it's ok, I've already forgiven that..." and know that it's a big fat lie.

What would it look like if we could forgive those people who hurt us in our past? What if we really could face them again, be honest with them, and then pray for them? What if our prayers were answered and they were saved from the fires of hell? Would we rejoice for them, or be like Jonah, and wish God had destroyed the evil Ninevites anyway? oh it sounds so spiritual to say we can forgive our enemies. What about telling them how they impacted years of our life? Tell them exactly how it forever changed the way you felt, thought, and acted in relationships? Forgiveness. It's bigger and deeper than it looks. Deeper than this cafe mocha.

And deeper than I have time for today. I'd rather sit here and enjoy people-watching. Realizing that behind that fashionable woman's cool black dress and sky-high heels is a person who just might have feelings like mine. hurts. unresolved junk, dreams still on hold. By the shape of those calves, she may work-out to get those demons out, to get that enviable figure. But how in the world does she walk across the parking lot in those heels? ahh, but i digress. much easier to dissect other people's lives than your own.

sorry for the ramble. i'm done

 

 

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doodling in class

I still doodle in class...

...sometimes because I'm bored or distracted....

but especially if I'm anxious.

I learned some new things in my "class" tonight...

Like the different parts of the brain. There's the frontal lobe. The analytical side, good for working out math problems. And then there's the limbic system, that back portion of the brain which is primarily responsible for our emotional life, motivations, and memories. Here's an exercise that uses both parts of the brain: "Write what it feels like physically when you are feeling shame." The writing part takes the frontal lobe, but the limbic system is needed to recall what it feels like when you are feeling unworthy or shamed. Perhaps that feeling creates some kind of "flight-fright-or freeze" response.

Another thing I learned, I'm not much of a crier. well, I sorta knew that already. But hadn't applied that thought much to my situations in life. Just figured that was how I was wired. Sad movies, not a tear. Weddings, nope, not even my own. Dry-eyed all day. I think I have learned the ability to turn off those emotions like a faucet. And keep them locked up tight. No feelings, no pain. Learned that skill many years ago, back when....wow.

ok that explains some things.

thanks for listening. time's up. here's my credit card.

 

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