even fighters need love

killing time before body combat class.

reading email, a devotional.  about forgiving others.  my rant this morning, how all these supposedly comforting, supportive devotionals are all directed toward the "victims" of this situation i'm in.  the innocent ones, the ones who were dumped on, not the ones causing the damage.  well what about those mean nasty aggressors, those fight-starters that caused the mess in the first place? don't we desserve some love too?  just because we finally came to a point, albeit many years too late, where we realized that we were done with living  the kindly, do-unto-me-as-you-want-i'll-just-turn-my-other-cheek-and-smile-and-pretend-i-like-you-too kind of mentality and it is finally time to be who i really am, even when it means stepping on a lot of toes around me.  ???

so i guess i'm the antagonist, not the protagonist. the one everyone's pointing their fingers at.  makes me wanna spit fire. oh, funny but that just happens to be the title of one of our great tracks in body combat class today, spit fire.  a better topic.

spit fire by the prodigy:

(weird dumb lyrics but cool video watch it here:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=aQZDbBGBJsM

back to reality, what really rocks is putting that song to the lower body conditioning track of body combat classes, a whole 3-and-a-half-minutes of torturesque (yes, that's a word, see the dictionary according to jennerosity) squats, side evasive kicks & esquiva lunges.  constant burning pain. perfect for the song. here's the only video i could find of the moves in action, from a body combat class in france, i'm guessing...

 

i'm working this one hard, & instructor robb says, to No One in particular, to make sure you're retracting your knee on the evasive sick kicks.  i do exactly as he says, and he says "that's better". i wonder if that was for me, since i'm in the front row, right in his face, the target of his sweat bullets, gross.  but we never talk or exchange glances so i don't know. one of those subtweet things i guess. story of my life.

we do more great stuff in  class that i can't recall at the moment, like my favorite muay thai shove kicks & brawler blows, and some speedy stick jabs and power hooks in the boxing tracks, here's just a couple more highlights:

the komodo dragon push-ups...shoved between a million push-ups and other junk done while never leaving the push-up or plank position... (i was about to DIE...)



..and then please don't judge me, but i just lovelovelove when we finish our cool-down with this song from eminem.  i know the lyrics are pretty bad--- in a few parts, ok most parts, but the point about never giving up, and never shutting your mouth, just feels so good to me.  i spend most my life keeping my mouth shut, or trying to talk & having someone interrupt me or someone in higher power make a bigger statement with more "likes" than i'll ever get on this earth & that's fine, cuz most people, like eminem says quite bluntly, seem to have a freaking problem with me. that's fine. that's why having a blog where no one knows who i am is so therapeutic.  listen & hate me if you want.  

till i collapse (eminem)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRM0cAqAY9c

Sometimes you just feel tired, feel weak
And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up
But you gotta search within you, try to find that inner strength
And just pull that shit outta you
And get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter
No matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face, and collapse

Till I collapse I’m spillin’ these raps long as you feel ‘em
Till the day that I drop you’ll never say that I’m not killin’ ‘em
Cause when I am not, then I’ma stop pinnin’ ‘em
and I am not hip-hop and I’m just not Eminem
Subliminal thoughts, when I’ma stop sendin’ ‘em
Women are caught in webs, spin ‘em and hoch venom
Adrenalin shots of penicillin could not get the illin’ to stop
Amoxicillin’s just not real enough
The criminal cop killin hip-hop villain
A minimal swap to cop millions of ‘Pac listeners
You’re comin with me, feel it or not you’re gonna fear it
like I showed ya the spirit of God lives in us
You hear it a lot, lyrics to shock
Is it a miracle or am I just product of pop fizzin’ up?
Fashizzle my wizzles, this is the plot, listen up
You bizzles forgot, slizzle does not give a f*ck

[Chorus x2]
Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth
Till the smoke clears out – am I high? Perhaps
I’ma rip this shit, till my bones collapse

Music is like magic, there’s a certain feelin’ you get
when you real and you spit an’ people are feelin’ your shit
This is your moment, and every single minute you spend
tryin’ to hold on to it cause you may never get it again
So while you’re in it, try to get as much shit as you can
And when your run is over just admit when it’s at it’s end
Cause I’m at the end of my wits with half the shit gets in
I got a list here’s the order of my list that it’s in
It goes Reggie, Jay-Z, Tupac and Biggie
Andre from Outkast, Jada, Kurupt, Nas and then me
But in this industry I’m the cause of a LOT of envy
So when I’m not put on this list, the shit does NOT offend me
That’s why you see me walkin around like nothin’s botherin’ me
Even though half you people got a fuckin’ problem with me
You hate it but you know respect you got to give me
The press’s wet dream like Bobby and Whitney, Nate hit me

[Chorus]

Soon as the verse starts, I eat at an MC’s heart
What is he thinkin’? How not to go against me, smart!
And it’s absurd, how people hang on every word
I’ll probably NEVER get the props I feel I ever deserve
But I’ll never be served, my spot is forever reserved
If I ever leave Earth, that would be the death of me first
Cause in my heart of hearts I know nothin’ could ever be worse
That’s why I’m clever when I put together every verse
My thoughts, are sporadic, I act, like I’m a addict
I rap, like I’m addicted to smack like I’m Kim Mathers
But I don’t wanna go forth and back in constant battles
The fact is I would rather sit back and bomb some rappers
So this is like a full blown attack I’m launchin’ at ‘em
The track is on some battlin raps who want some static?
Cause I don’t really think that the fact that I’m Slim matters
A plaque and platinum status is WACK if I’m not the baddest, so

[Chorus]

Until the roof
The roof comes off
Until my legs
Give out from under me

I, I will not fall, I will stand tall
Feels like no one can beat me

yes i know i should apologize for those bad words on this page.  but today i feel them.  i can't explain it but in these moods i feel such a camaraderie with eminem, like he & i should be locked up in the same mental hospital & he'd be singin his friends with the monster song & i'd be understanding it all.

sing with me now..

Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth
Till the smoke clears out – am I high? Perhaps
I’ma rip this shit, till my bones collapse

no more lockdown

Truth:

"In the face of great loss or challenge, we must choose to be open to God, to the experience and the lessons, and be deliberate about not shutting down.  There was a period of time where I felt safer with my heart in lockdown.  I figured if no one could reach my heart, no one could hurt it again.  This is an emotional cop-out, and a spiritual error of grave consequence...  It (is) insufficient to hide my heart away, that avoiding pain is not a way to live a life for God."  
  (Kristin Armstrong)

falling

Like a broken block tower...




Like dominos speedily descending...



Like composting food scraps..

deteriorating...

          

like everything in life...

must...

die...

or at least fall down.







I am falling down.
apart.
block by block.
domino by crashing domino.
what was once a plastic fruit salad
now is a rotten banana peel.
these things must die
so new things can come to life.

                      

"for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."

Psalm 103:14


"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives."

John 12:24

How to Superman Punch

  hello again, this is cool.  Robb sent this to us Mad Cary Moms on Facebook, and I wanted to "share" but couldn't risk my "nice girl" reputation there, (what would people think of me, a sweet mommy learning to knock people out? oh my...)  so I'll share it here.  Looks like fun, and I think I'll need to subscribe to this guy's video series, learn some new moves.



enjoy!

wiser from the fight

Going to these Body Combat classes have become more than learning technique and getting in shape.  I'm finding all kinds of life lessons being worked in between the lines, subtle but strong.

I walk in right on time and feel like I'm an hour late.  The masses have already claimed their spots and are firmly standing their ground.  ugh.  Too much testosterone in here, i think, and i'm not talking about the lone guy, the short Italian guy wearing grappling gloves identical to Robb the instructor's. The guy who keeps inserting his own snarky comments between tracks, much to the annoyance of the instructor, who finally throws back his own remark, something along the line of "ok, if you know so much, get your own certification"... (only slightly more politely)

 These girls are tough, immovable.  So I give up my "right" to my usual spot and quietly slip into the back row.  Always good to take on a new view of things, i figure.

Today my view from the back has caused my easily-distracted mind to start comparing myself to these other BC class participants, mostly women, and even going so far as to pick them apart by weight classes and ability levels, sifting them out to find which ones would be a suitable match for me, if I were to actually fight one.  hmmm, i'm thinking, this chick in front of me is packing some powerful punches with those thunderous shoulders, acts like a bully, and judging by those thunderous thighs, would obviously be in a higher weight class.  (hey, sorry, i just call them as i see them!)  But still, that lack of  lower body mobility might serve as an advantage to me... I see myself nimbly snaking my legs around those lazy wobbly thighs, tripping her down to the floor, using my dancer's agility advantage,  stunning her with my quickness  and trapping her before delivering  the hardest blows I can muster.  ahh, one down, who's next?



But first, more training.  Knee strikes with extra punch.  Pull the opponent's head down to my knee with a mighty CRACK to the skull.  We repeat these for a looong time.

 Some oldies-but goodies, like the karate track to Pink's "your hand" song.  We've done this so many times, i know the words by heart and can't help singing along.

Someone's birthday request of my favorite muay thai track, "Speed".  Thrashing street brawler blows, and some hard elbow strikes.  LIVID ELBOWS!!!  i'm thinking as i imagine slashing a letter "X" across my opponent's face with my elbows.   A bloody RED X, that is.

A funny comment from Robb, during a song with muchkin-like voices he compares to the Lollipop Guild guys on the Wizard of Oz and says of that movie, "A perfect chick flick: two women killing each other over a pair of shoes".  ha, good one, Robb.

One whole track of esquivas and lunges till our quads and glutes are screaming along to the song, "ayiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!"



A loooooong string of repeated jab-crosses, shoulders burning, until Rob screams out, "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!!!!!"

Good advice.  I'll remember that.



Robb isn't quite his usual fighting self today; he's recovering from a bad sinus infection, so sometimes he takes a break for a few counts, walks around and critiques our technique instead of giving it his all.  (he still has to mop up his puddle of sweat afterwards, of course, but perhaps it was less than the usual.)

I learn from this, as well..  I've learned that, if your teacher or leader is lacking in combative energy or passion, it is very difficult to maintain one's own energy or passion.  It's hard to follow a weak-spirited, lukewarm leader.  You begin to lose your own heat, your own fighting strength.  Choose carefully whom you follow.



   

And that's my combative wisdom for today.

Time to shower and put on my ninja suit.

Real life requires wisdom from the ring.

midnight listening (haiku)

ear pressing up tight
to the side of my heart now
hearing clearly now



Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God.

Maya Angelou
1928-2014

(tweeted May 23, 2014)

comfort in honesty

i'm not doing well right now.
i'm struggling.
i don't fit in with most people.
i'm not ok.
i need help.
 
Those 5 statements actually bring me great relief and comfort to spit out, painfully honest as they are.  i'm tired of trying to hold it all together, pretending everything's fine.  i'm the mature grownup, right? i'm supposed to know what i'm doing?  yeah right.  in your dreams.  i feel like i've been on the upper spaces of the preschool game, Chutes & Ladders, & i just landed on the "chute" that takes me all the way back down to the beginning of the game.   back to square one.



oh but when it's time to be around "people" again, those acquaintances, the majority of people i "know" who only really "know" the mask i wear, i'll act like all's fine.  there aren't many "safe" people i can share these thoughts with.  most people just don't "get" me. that's why i share here.  where nobody i know reads this, and even those who do are shrouded in internet anonymity, like the  priest who sits behind a screen in a catholic confession booth.  (or so i've seen it in the movies, i'm not catholic, don't really know..)  this blog is my confession booth.  (forgive me, internet priest, it has been a full 20 hours since my last confession...", or at least i think they say something like that...) hmm, maybe i should've been a catholic.  this confession thing really is refreshing..



till we meet in this booth again.... see ya later."Father Blog".

WARNING: Violent Street Fight (Gracie Breakdown)

Got this in my inbox today.  Some interesting thoughts about fighting, street fighting vs. sport fighting.  The "violent" video really isn't that violent, I didn't even see any blood, and it's just used as an example for the point these guys are making...



I never really understood the whole idea of "learning to fight, so you don't have to.." and why little kids should be encouraged to take up the sport of martial arts or some time of fighting, in order to learn "discipline" and self-esteem, etc.  I always thought that was kind of an oxymoron, an excuse to just learn to fight each other.  But through my own experience in taking some instruction in boxing and getting a taste of the other forms through Body Combat class, I'm beginning to understand, to feel this confidence that comes from learning these techniques.  I'm also learning that if it's not a life-or-death situation, like these Gracie boys explain, it's just Not Worth Fighting.  I get it.  I like what they have to say here, things about learning Jiu-Jitsu in order to diffuse the enemy humanely, non-violently.  Knowing one's "combative energy".  (wow, i know i've got a lot of that floating around lately!!)  Keep that energy low, be calm, self-controlled, so if the situation does come up, you can control your position and theirs, and nobody has to get hurt.  Learn Jiu-Jitsu to avoid fighting altogether, but also to deal with the situation humanely, non-emotionally, if the fight does go down.  They talk about street vs. sport behavioral patterns.



 Then they get into more technical things, starting with the idea, "if you're not comfortable on your back, you will give your back to the enemy."  They start demonstrating technique and that's when my brain goes foggy because I haven't been trained in any of that stuff, but still, it's interesting.



And the reason I include this kind of stuff in this blog, is because I'm finding these concepts very helpful to me as I continue this journey I'm on.  Lots of emotional things within me are being dug up and worked out on the physical level, and that's where the fight training fits in.  Still a newbie here.



Enjoy.



 

Headlights

the best part of working a late-night job:

the drive home.

quiet streets

dark skies

quiet mind

favorite tunes on radio

time to think

my "me" time

no lights on at home

no one waiting up for me

i could drive all night

when i reach my corner 

and another good song comes on

i drive on by

go an extra mile or so

to soak up the music

finish my thoughts

clear out my heart 

blackness covers the windows

if there were anyone else out there

which there isn't

they wouldn't see my face

my expression

i am free

to be me

just me & my thoughts.

perfect.

Eminem - Headlights (Explicit) ft. Nate Ruess

   I can't hear this song or watch this video without tearing up a little bit.  Not anything in particular, just the general theme of broken lives, broken families, sad childhood memories, unspoken words, regret, sad stuff like that.  Eminem has a way with expression.  a real poet.