ok so where was I....oh yes. my onion-inspired, ADD-tainted, sweat-and-blood-dripping, MMA think-tank session I had yesterday. ahhh but I feel another bout of ADD coming on, mixed with a need for some fresh air and exercise. Running shoes, woods, here I come!
sorry, see ya later!
procrastinate much?
(half hour later...)
ok, I can do this. fresh air, exercise, pistachios, powerade, coke zero. check x 5. I'm alivealertawakeenthusiastic. !!
Don't know why this is so hard, why I'm dragging my feet on this. It's not that I have nothing to write about. too much on my mind. problem is, carefully choosing what NOT to say is important. so here goes.
Love this Body Combat class. Today (actually it was yesterday) he's teaching us a few new moves. One was a new, quicker jab, I think he called it a speed jab? And then he adds this little ducking move called a slip, ( I think) so he's like "8, 7,6, 5, 4, 3, slip, slip, 8,7,..." and so on in our boxing warm-up.And then my mind drifts back to that smellly onion. Now people are different. They like their coffee different, some with cream, or just sugar, or both, or neither. I like both. Now how do you like your onion?
We do a traveling jab. He says it's for when you're trying to push your opponent to the other side of the ring. Corner him. Some people like a flaky onion. Now in case you've missed my last post, I'm not really talking about onions here, but the degree to which we choose to share our personal junk with others. Others meaning, people we can trust. oh and did I mention that my mind flits back and forth a bit?
Now he's explaining the difference between the different kinds of kicks. In karate there's the snap kick, with a flat foot going out fast and precise. In muay thai it's more of a shove, with the knee to chest. And the round house, point the toe down. That's all I could remember anyhow... I love kicks.
Now if you're a flaky onion, you don't open up to people much, you keep things shallow. Perhaps it's the way you've been raised, or from past experiences where you're afraid to trust others with your deepest feelings, or you've been hurt before, or maybe you've just unconsciously blocked a lot of harmful junk so you don't even know what your deep feelings are. Like people with post-traumatic disorder. Doesn't have to be something huge, though, we're not talking "nam" vets, if you're old enough to know what those are. Mr. Rob gives us more imagery to help us with a karate move:
"You're at a nightclub, drinking your diet water, and this guy standing behind you starts getting "handsy".. so you do this combo: guard, then punch, add a snap kick." Actually he used some word other than punch, I'm bad at terms, but he said it was basically "like a pimp slap but with a round fist".
If you're going to keep peeling your onion, you have to know the risks involved, and to proceed with caution: Some people are safe to share with, some are not. What are the risks, real or imagined? Well, we fear that people will think less of us if they know our dirty secrets. The image we were hoping they had of us suddenly gets reduced to just that horrible piece of information, ruling out all the positive qualities that you know you have, those qualities you want to share with the world.
He splits the class in half, we do our traveling jabs, facing the other half of the class. He adds a "punching bag" move, as I like to call it, where we roll our fists really fast. I hate it when he cracks jokes at this part, it's hard to concentrate and keep a straight face when you're face to face with someone..
Another risk. The fear of feeling alienated, like you're the only one in the world who has such a disgusting problem or issue. Someone may hear your story, look at you with pity, (which they may feel is well-meant sympathy) and say something like "wow, that's pretty deep stuff". LIke they're on the other side of the fence, afraid to come near your stinky mess for fear of being contaminated. Sympathy. It's like throwing a casserole in someone's mailbox with a "get well soon" note and driving off. What we need is empathy. Empathy gets down in the dirt with us. Listens. Tries to step into our pain with us. Feels with us.
Muay thai. New traveling move. Adds the lawn mower move. (maybe in a few years I will learn the real name for that type of strike!) I love that one, seeing my opponent already down, then raising my fist, elbow way back, and smacking his face anyway. hoooah!! More elbow strikes.
Empathy is what Jesus showed the woman caught in adultery. Jesus, who has the power to sit on His throne and look down on us, plunking us with his golden sceptor and telling us how wrong we are, but chooses not to. Jesus got down in the dirt with the woman. Wrote something in the dirt, doesn't matter what. Point is, he was down there, at her level. Like when you get down to a child's level to look into their face. You get on the level of the person who's sharing. Maybe you've never experienced "x", but you can listen ,try to feel what they're feeling, then dig deeper. Dig down to a time when you may have experienced similar emotions to what they felt. You share that. But avoid the temptation to "one-up" them, being like, "oh, you went through that, well listen to what "I" went through..." The focus is on them, not you. But show them you can relate.
Pause to wipe the blood off my elbow. His blood, not mine.
Finally, the risk of sharing with the advice-giver. They may be well-meaning, but they're still not getting on your level. Still makes you feel alienated.
So how do I like my onion? good question. Depends who I'm with. (I know, don't end your sentence, that's not even a sentence, with a preposition, well guess what, english professor, i'm in blogger now, where there ain't any rules!!! scary but true.....) I scope people out, like we all do, I think, and decide who's "safe" or not. Even people you know for most of your life may still not be safe receptors of your real thoughts and feelings. You learn to be a good actor, just pretending everything's fine. And keep searching for someone you can trust. You still take risks, sometimes you end up with a few more cases of "vulnerability hangover" than you care to have, but you learn. And you always trust God. The only one who knows your inners better than you do.
I love this verse, Eph. 3:16 "that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being". yes, that inner being, that pit of the stomach that churns when anxious and feeling shamed, that can be calmed with God's perfect peace.
And 2 Cor. 12:9-10 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. for when I am weak, then I am strong."
I honestly cannot say that I am perfectly content with my weaknesses and hardships right now, that was Paul speaking, and he was a tad more spiritual than I am. But that's ok. Jesus still loves me, this I know. That's all I need to know.
I may be in a place where I'm floating around, doing a lot of pretending on the outside to hide what's on the inside right now. Just trying to keep it all together. Do the right thing, and live a life of 80% contentment. I can keep up the image most the time. Unless I'm touched by certain worship songs that break me. Like "how he loves". Songs that remind me that God wants ALL of our hearts healed, not covered. To the very stinkin' core. Through the pain. That unforeseen kiss- something only God can do. In my spirit, I cannot stand there unaffected, with dry eyes, when that truth reaches me. where it hurts the most. where I'm broken, lying prostrate before Him, as He kneels down beside me. Not peering down in disgust from His heavenly throne, but down in the dirt. with me.
Jesus loves me, this I know.
Posted with Blogsy
No comments:
Post a Comment