smoke screens

hello again students, now come on over to the circle-time rug, have a seat, criss-cross applesauce, and let's begin our next lesson.

Today we will talk about our Shame Screens. What's that? You thought I meant to say smoke screens? well, they're similar. A smoke screen, used in time of war, is something inside a canister that is released and creates a big cloud of smoke so that you can hide from your enemy. Now imagine your enemy is actually that yucky feeling of shame, that fear of disconnecting with other people due to your ...."badness". That shame could fall under any of these sample categories: appearance and body image, money and work, parenthood, your family background, mental or physical health, sex, aging, religion, speaking out, surviving trauma, or being stereotyped and labeled. Any of those bring up issues that cause you shame? Everyone has it.

Sooo, what do we do when something in a situation triggers that ugly feeling of shame? We try to hide behind a shame screen, similar to that smoke. Here are 3 techniques we commonly use to try to "hide":

By the way, these are also affectionately known as Fight, Flight, or Freeze.

The first is to move against other people, or to Fight. We might blame others, try to control the situation, or become aggressive. Sometimes this fighting response is actually internalized, and we fight against ourselves.

Next up is the Flight response, or to move away. To move away from other people when we feel shame, we withdraw, become silent, keep secrets, avoid others or avoid eye contact with them.

And finally is our good friend, Freeze. This actually means you try to Move Toward people by freezing your real identity and becoming a people pleaser. This comes in especially handy when dealing with someone in authority or someone who tries to have control over me.

There, now that wasn't so hard, was it? Next, class, I would like you to ask yourself, Which of these "shame screens" do you use, why, in what situations, and with whom?

What's that, you say? You want me to answer that first? but I'm the teacher here...oh...uh...hmmm. ok. uh, my preferred starbucks beverage is running low, I'd better scoot on home and finish this later. Coming to this starbucks after a Difficult Conversation was sort of a "Flight" response in itself, actually. Much easier than slapping on the ever-so-comfortable poker face and pretending everything's fine. That would be using the Freeze response. And then I'd wake up Thursday morning and go to my awesome Body Combat class where I can really release that fighting response by killing it with some mean boxing, karate and muay thai moves. So that answers your question. My answer: all of the above, in lots of situations, with a good handful of people.

That's all for now. My heart has more to say, as I go along this difficult journey. I am thankful for some of the great input I've been receiving from various sources, now time to filter it all through what God speaks to my spirit. So hard to find that quiet place these days. so many voices screaming. Thankful for this mode of expression, for faithful listeners. quiet listeners. but not too quiet. thank you.

adios.

 

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