So today is Thursday. Which means, Body Combat class! yay!
I get there a little late, and am surprised by how crowded this class is today. Even my usual competition for the space at the front of the class has gotten bumped back into a middle row. Mr. "Bob" counts his students; "33 angels", he teases.
We get into the normal routine, warming up with lots of jabs and cardio, and I start to think, "you know, I really love this stuff, but....just hitting the air is getting a little disappointing. I need a target, a goal. I don't seriously want to hurt someone, don't get me wrong, but there needs to be some point of impact, it seems. And a measure of success. This need to succeed, to WIN!!! Now I've never considered myself a competitive person. Growing up, it was always the more individualized sports that I enjoyed: gymnastics, swim team, dance. Where you're competing against yourself, for a better performance than last time. So I don't know, maybe a punching bag would be cool.
As we progress through the different tracks, different movements based on boxing & martial arts, my mind wanders, as usual, and I start to scan the crowd in the big mirror in front of us. Observing all these dedicated women (and a few men) who fill up this space every week and show so much determination and fierceness. (is that a word? anyway...) I notice that some of these people really need to work on their form, oh my goodness... Like...take Hammy here. This chick in front of me. She's got 100 times more energy than everyone in this class combined, but her movements are so weird and her stance so awkward that she's wasting her energy. She reminds me of Hammy from Over the Hedge, in the scene where he drinks the forbidden high-caffeine energy drink and then moves so fast, faster than the eye can detect him to reach his goal of tricking the humans. Well this Hammy's just like that, but add to the energy drink some slightly fermented watermelon rinds that cause one's balance and form to be wayyyy off. Go Hammy Go!!! I try to avert my eyes to keep from laughing, to mind my own business & stop being so critical.
Oh good. Mr. Bob is now playing Ozzy's Crazy Train, such a great song for this kind of thing! Double-time jabs. "Get Sinister, Mad Cary Moms!!" he instructs us. He gives us the scenarios of being in the boxing ring, doing this traveling move to push our opponent into the ropes. Then the nightclub scene, where we use the karate sequence to get back at the guy who's getting too "grabby". Something like, guard, block, chop, back kick. (??) He reminds us that a kick to the knee will cause the most damage to our stalker. Good to know.
So I'm being good and trying to learn as much about these moves as I can, when my wandering eye catches something else that makes me laugh. This girl, bless her heart, (that famously notorious saying Southern women like to use when they're about to share some vicious gossip...) in the back row. oh yes, bless her heart. Cute thang, but she obviously didn't hear the instructor's advice to keep the chin low, shoulders forward, and focus on the target. oh my, i mean, seriously??? This girl is jabbing her heart out but with her head and arms way up, she's jiggling back & forth with this ridiculously silly grin on her face, oh me-oh-my, she looks like she's cheerfully washing the top of a car while jamming to some 70's music, like that "Car Wash" song..!! oh please God, make me stop laughing here, ohpleaseohplease...I'm laughing so hard inside I"m shaking now and cannot keep up with the sequence. My fierce boxing fists have become limp jellyfish and I'm dying here, please stop washing your car, girlfriend...i'm so sorry, i'm sure you're a beautiful person inside but You Are So Hilarious To Watch!!!!! oh no, now her right and left hooks make her look like she's dancing a merengue with a teddy bear!!! NOOO!! okokokokokok, i can do this, just think about something dumb and not funny. like rotten celery lying on top of a pile of compost. no, something stupider. Think what i need right now is to wear one of those pirate-y eye patches over one eye, to prevent me from seeing this spot of gut-busting humor in my periphery vision. ok, just don't look. take a deep breath, get mad, you mad cary mom, focus!!!!!!
Some good muay thai sequence, a jab and elbow strike combo, add some mean lawn-mower punchy thingys, and a big "shove" kind of forward kick, not a speedy flick but a big throw-yourself-backwards slow SHOVE with the leg, like slamming that car door shut when your arms are full of groceries. Repeated left hooks, for-ev-er...till the shoulder is burning, rest, repeat right side.
Then the Strength-Speed-Power-Agility sequence: Lunges with punches to the lower abs, (theirs, not mine) make them lose their breath, then stick jabs, upper cuts then half-jacks to keep the cardio going. Then the big finale: 128 consecutive jabs. "STAMINA!!!" he bellows.
Alligator push-ups, crunches, cool-down. He apologizes for breaking out of the prescribed slower track for the cool-down, says he just can't finish off a fierce class like this with some slow romantic ballad, so it's another loud gangsta rap song to settle our minds, calm our spirits. sort of.
Fun. I thought I had some other deeper thoughts to go with this, but I guess I was laughing so hard at Hammy & the Car Wash chick today, I got booted out of the Deep Zone and catapulted back into the shallow. That's ok. Some days it's just good to stay shallow, and have a good laugh.
HOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAHHHH-hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha!!!!!! :-)
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