driving in the rain
happiness bubbling, babbling in backseat
excited to get kitties
meanwhile up front
at every red light
scribbling dark words
madness perches
on my shoulder
whispering threats
painting colors of doom
so sorry
but these words won't release me
until i let them go
***************************************
I walk to the edge
and look down
close my eyes
can't look at the faces
of those i love
see their pain
or their disapproving frowns
their shaking fingers
plug my ears
can't listen to the cries
of those who will miss me
of those i've hurt, let down
or the condemning voices
eyes, ears, closed.
lungs open.
strong, brave,
ready.
i jump.
falling,
sinking,
pain.
push down the panic
push push push
O God what am i doing
push push push
losing sensation
light fade to black
voices, tears,
Replaced
by light
glorious light
i have arrived.
********************************
The Alternative:
pretend the sky is blue
shut off my brain
switch off the emotions
auto-pilot, robot.
create a scene
rehearse a revival
act it out
recite my lines
a perfect performance
then return
to that night
where i'm no longer my own
voice ripped out, thrown away
yes sir, yes ma'am
whatever you say
degraded to filth
my new identity
don't deserve more
act out new identity
settle. hide hide hide
what's that you say?
punish. shut up.
this is all you get.
suck it up.
get over it.
grow up.
it's all in your head.
can i return to the womb?
is there a reverse switch?
or just an emergency exit?
outta here.
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