Happy day

so today i share a piece of history with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.  same day, same year.  interesting.

not sure how to feel.  got this gift this morning, a huge blown-up image of me & the kids playing in the waves in Puerto Rico.  nice. no cards or words or hugs and of course we don't even mention the "A" word around here.  just another day and hey look, a new photo for the wall.

 still not sure how to feel.  just numb. 

nothing phases me anymore.  shoot me down, but i won't fall. i am titanium.

mock me to my face. i may feel sad. but i won't fall. i may shed a tear, but i won't get mad. i'm over that.  this is my lot in life. my sentence.

no more pretending.

i'm happy to be enjoying my status of singleness. really. i don't care what my driver's license or FB "status" says i am.  it's like in those other countries where they have pre-arranged marriages, for the sake of continuing the family line. for convenience.  yes, i can be at peace about making a decision that allowed me to be a mother and brought on a more convenient, comfortable lifestyle. 

 kids will change you. not status.  kids are great.  best thing in the world. but those fairy tales about actually feeling something warm & gushy for the person you sign this contract with, that's just stupid.  to actually want to enter into the same personal space as this person for anything other than continuing the human race? ew. that just doesn't happen in the planet i'm from.  

It's not as if things are much better on this planet, either.  take last night's bachelorette episode, for example.  i confess i didn't watch it, just heard a clip of it on a morning show today, where Nick says to Andi, "If you weren't in love with me, I'm just not sure why you made love with me."

or, insert other phrases, like why you...pretended to like me and continued going out with me because you were afraid and didn't want to hurt my feelings and just wanted the security, and even married me...when you weren't in love with me." Which is worse?  it's sin. dishonesty, selfishness, not trusting God due to your insecurities and fear for the future, stuff that God never meant for us to use as a reason to get hitched, yanking someone's heart around and slamming it into the dirt. but i'm done condemning myself for that sin, i think, and just trying to find my peace in living an honest life. numb, yes. but honest.

so i'll enjoy being numb. just learning to protect myself. disconnecting and going unplugged a lot more these days.  just like the tv's "mute" button, there is a huge amount of relief and peace of mind in the buttons "unfollow" and "delete list". yes, i am learning this wonderful piece of wisdom:  whenever i feel myself feeling sad, jealous, judged or judging, or thinking that me and  my kids are somehow less special because of those people out there with 50 million friends who get 50 million likes for their kids... that's when i decide it's  just not worth it. this social media thing. and i shut it all off. ahhhh. so much better.  i can use this blog for my own personal expression, but i don't need to join in the rat race of fake friendships and digitally created popularities. 

just enjoying my happy little quiet bubble of numbness.

happy day.