While lying awake in the still of the night, the idea of arranged marriages suddenly popped into my head. I recalled how, over the years, a certain person in my life has, from time to time, spoken favorably about the benefits of a custom used for centuries in many countries of the world, that of arranged marriages. (made me wanna slap this person, but that wouldn't do any good, it was too late. just made me sad. very sad.)
Wikipedia's definition:
Arranged marriage is a type of marital union where the bride and groom are selected by a third party rather than by each other.[1]It was common worldwide until the 18th century.[1] In more recent times, arranged marriage is common in South Asia, Africa,[2][3] theMiddle East,[4][5] Latin America,[3][6] Southeast Asia[7] and parts of East Asia;[8][9] elsewhere in developed countries, arranged marriage has continued in some royal families,[10] parts of Japan,[11] among immigrant and minority ethnic groups.[12]
and from Psychology Today:
In Western cultures, the choice of a spouse is up to the individual. We have institutions like dating that give young people a chance to accumulate relevant experience over a number of years, so that they can make an informed decision. In a way, dating offers the kind of experience with intimate relationships that summer jobs, externships, and volunteer work provide for youth in making career decisions
In traditional societies, parents or other designated individuals choose a person's spouse (and occupation). These are sometimes called arranged marriages, in contrast to love marriages, though there are many varieties of each. A common rationale for arranged marriages is that young people are too immature and impulsive to make a wise choice, and experienced elders are likely to do better. In addition, in the West one chooses a partner to fulfill oneself, while in non-Western collectivist cultures, one's primary responsibility is to the group-to one's parents, kin group, ancestors, and others--all of whom have contributed to make one's current life possible and to whom one is obligated.
and some insight from the website Quora:
"We can never really know if arranged marriages work. One, because people, understandably so, find it hard to admit that outsourcing what was possibly the biggest decision in their lives turned out to be a disaster. I have never come across many men or women in their 40s to 50s who would readily admit that they have spent decades with someone they couldn't find love for. Add to that the exhausting inertia one feels after having expended a tremendous amount of energy in trying to find some beauty in a loveless bond, day after day. A lot of people just stick with it because it's tiring to even think of a solution in light of the deluge of family disapproval they'll be faced with. In light of how they feel, it's just too late. To an outsider, they might have just celebrated a silver jubilee, and to them, it could be the 25 years they lost."
I'm not from India, I was not set up by my parents, in fact i think i purposely tried to shock them by rebelling and choosing something totally opposite what they might expect of me....(isn't it ironic?) but the situation discussed above sounds just too, hauntingly familiar.
Another quote from another article: this Indian couple met for 20 minutes in her parent's home; the next day they were engaged. Many years later, she reflects:
"But the losses are significant, and Alex and I still grieve them. On the rare occasions when we talk about this, we express sadness on each other's behalf: "I wish you had married a best friend." "I wish you'd found a spouse who excites you more." "I wish delight would replace acceptance." To arrange a life, after all, is to control it."
My advice to the youngens out there, those lucky ones still cruising the dating scene: Do this one thing, and you will be happy: "Follow your heart, not the checklist."
Yes, there are certain qualities, such as spiritual beliefs and similar viewpoints in raising a family, which you need to listen to. But once you've figured that out, and you've got yourself aligned with God's Spirit in making choices that sit well with that spirit in you, that "knowing" that you can live with your choices and still have that close communion with the Lord in your most intimate moments of worship with Him...then go with your heart. It's not a sinful, emotional decision, the way some people will brush off the term "follow your heart". A God-loving heart is not the same as a flesh-pleasing heart. Where is your heart? And not just a God-pleasing heart, for a heart that just works and works to "please" God will never be satisfied, for we are by nature sinful and cannot do diddly-squat to earn His favor. A God-LOVING heart is also intoxicated by the intimate knowledge of how madly in love with you GOD is, and cannot possibly believe that He would want you to choose anything less than His best for you. Believe in the treasure that you are, the treasure God believes you are, and wait, yes, WAIT. God is good.
And if you're already in your 30's, your prospects of marrying and having kids is looking lower and lower every day, do NOT, do NOT, do NOT lower your standards, your measure of "heartness" to match the lowness of your expectations. that is so wrong. You'd be better off enjoying your freedom and your continued pursuit of God as an individual, which is really where true bliss is at, anyway. (If you make the mistake of choosing wrongly, you may later want to aspire to that same spiritual oneness with the Lord, but feel dragged down by this unequal half of you that was artificially bonded to you; being unequally yoked is a horrible thing, a living hell, masked , hidden below the surface of an otherwise comfortable, mildly pleasant lifestyle.)
Then one day, when your heart feels overwhelmed by the perfectness of God leading you to the perfect choice of a mate that is by no means "settling", when it's not just a security slot to drop into to avoid the misery of a life not yet fulfilled by finding God's purpose in it, when you find that perfect spot, then go for it. Follow your heart. Never ever settle.
That's my advice for the day. (don't ask me how i know)
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